Chapter 3: All about feelings

[3013words]

It had been a long time since Jim last had butterflies in his stomach. It felt as if it had been in another life when everything was easy and it wasn't a matter of love, just the question of do you like like me? and nothing more. A kiss on the cheek, holding hands, blushing slightly... One thing Jim would never knew was when the moment had been he had left his teenage years behind.

Sometimes he wasn't completely sure he left them behind, though, because his hands were sweating and his heart skipped so many beats it was a surprise Jim's blood still flowed. He had knocked on Mr. Spocks door three times now but nothing was happening. A stupid metal door in front of him, closed and solid and Jim was sure that if there could be an intercultural sign for 'I'm-ignoring-you-because-I-am-angry/emotional unstable/pissed/everything at once!' a closed door would be perfect for that.

Thing was, Jim ignored such signs, like, always.

"Mr. Spock, c'mon and open your door. I am not here to... go on your nerves or anything, okay? I just want to talk!" It was the truth but the door wouldn't open. Also, with every second he stood in the hallway the possibility rose that someone who knew him saw him, all flowers and pleading for entry. Well, his reputation was damaged anyway because of all the rumors (which weren't just rumors, right, because they were true) but it would be embarrassing for him nevertheless.

God, he knew Bones' advice to apologize wouldn't work. Why again did he listen to the man when it came to relationships? Bones had no idea how to successfully be in a romantic relationship, remember, because the guy was divorced and fled into the space afterwards.

Jim leaned his forehead against the door, sighing again. He was frustrated.

"Spock." His voice sounded weepy when his fist throbbed against the metal door over and over again.

"Open up, please, I need to know if you're alright." But that seemed to be irrelevant. Jim started to hate himself for falling in love with such a mystery. How was it even possible that no one knew anything about Vulcans? How was is possible when Vulcans had been friends with earth and Starfleet since what felt like forever? How could they know as little as they did? Maybe it was just Jim and his lack of knowledge.

"Spooock, I-uhmpf!" Jim tried again to get to Spock when suddenly the metal door wasn't there anymore to support his head, sliding open with that 'woosh' sound again.

He stumbled forwards, nearly falling to the ground but instead smashing into a wall-

Spock.

For a second Jim's face lit up, his usual smile was back but then the science officer shoved him away and this time it definitely was a wall which hit Jim. The flowers Jim brought looked like smashed salad and that was unfair. He threw them to the ground. He tried to be nice here and no matter what was happening to Spock; killing innocent flowers just wasn't nice.

"Hey you ignorant jerk, those were meant to be a gift for you because I wanted to apologize! Now I have two more bruises on me which makes bruised shoulders and back because of you and you destroyed the flowers! What the hell is going on with you, huh?!" Jim's emotions always had been some kind of a rollercoaster. He could be the grown up and carry responsibility (he wanted to become Captain after all) but even at some point unknowing and emotional discomfort (unreturned love) could make him snap. It just wasn't fair that Jim had to live like a pilot while blind flight.

Jim crossed his arms in defense or attack, he wasn't sure, and tried to get a start, anything, form Spock that would give him the right to bitch and act like a child. The Vulcan, however, looked like he just ate a whole lemon with the juice and the skin and stayed silent. Which didn't help to get Jim back to being a grown up because he had been shoved into a wall again.

"Hey, what the hell? Answer me, Spock." Jim demanded and wondered when his 'I-want-to-apologize-and-try-to-help-Spock' mission transformed into a 'How-to-make-Spock-angry' one. Anyway, Jim stood and stared and Spock just stood because since the door opened it seemed that Spock wasn't able to look at him; something that was somehow understandable because Spock's facial expression was sour (remember the lemon the Vulcan ate) and his body language was stiff and icy. Signals which clearly showed discomfort.

Jim sighed, counting to ten in his head. He needed to do this correctly, right? If he wanted Spock to accept help.. And.. WHATEVER.. Jim needed to be rational.

He could do that. No big deal, he was rational all the time. Like, that accident in his childhood when he drove that car from that cliff? Hey, all about rational thinking, dude.

How on earth was he supposed to fool Spock if he couldn't even fool himself?

"Mr. Spock, listen to what I have to say, right, and if you still want me to leave afterwards then I'll go. Please." Was what Jim said eventually and walked away from the wall which had still been in his back. Jim looked for a place to sit down on. This was going to be a though talk, all emotional and so, so gay and with that he didn't mean weird odd bizarre just that it was a talk between him and Spock and it was about love and sex and-

It was that moment that Jim noticed the condition of the room.

"Oh." Was everything he got out. The room was a mess. It looked as if a mob of crazy tribbles run through it and nibbled at the desk, the bed, the floor itself, the doors, the walls, the computer console; the window for god's sake had cracks, too.

Whatever had walked through Spock's quarters it didn't left anything untouched.

"What... happened?" Jim looked at Spock who looked embarrassed, just slightly, but the signs were there. Small lips, pressed together, not catching Jim's eyes, the pose...

"That's 'kal-if-fee', I guess." Jim said and it was a simple statement. It was the logical thing to assume so here he was, finally had his prove that Spock was in Pon Farr but he definitely didn't feel any better about the whole mess which was his life.

Jim needed to sit down more then ever and because of the lack of a chair (where had the chair gone, really, it had been there when Jim last visited) he sat down at the small bed which was damaged, yes, but not destroyed. The pillow and blanket showed it's inner lining and the sheets were ripped apart but the mattress was whole.

Jim observed Spock who still stood in the entrance of the quarters, flowers next to him on the ground. The situation reminded Jim of his own school years because the Vulcan looked as if he was standing in the 'Shame-over-your-head!' corner of the classroom.

"So, Spock..." He had to start somewhere, "It would be awesome if you could listen to what I'm going to say here. I'm not going to say anything twice." Jim pointed a finger in Spocks direction, just playing for time so he could find a way to really really start this surely one-sided conversation.

He didn't even get a reaction out of Spock and was sure that the science officer ignored him on purpose.

"You probably think I shouldn't be here and that it would be better if I stayed away for sure because I am a clueless, emotional and annoying human. You don't even like me so you're also probably right about the emotional and annoying part but I am not clueless. I actually know what happens to you and I decided that I won't take things personal you're throwing at my way, like, throwing me out or so because I like you and I am illogical. Deal with it." At this part Spock's eyebrows rose and Jim booked it as a success.

"The thing you're experiencing is called Pon Farr and I know as much about it as is possible without being a Vulcan yourself. I want to help you even I don't know how or if I can, though, so it would be pretty much awesome of you to tell me more about it. If you wonder why I want to help I could tell you a lot of logical reason: You're a danger for the people around you, just look at your quarters, if you don't get help soon you'll die and no one wants that because if you die the academy loses one of it's best professors here. Also, you're a science officer and Commander which makes you important to a lot of things inside Starfleet. I could tell you all of that and it'd be true but to be sincere I don't give a shit about your statues in Starfleet and that your research is important because the only reason I'm here? Is because I care about you. A lot. All I want is to help you get over this." Jim had to take in his breath but it seemed to be more difficult then usual. This was harder then he thought it would be.

Jim never had been good in emotional matters. Never knew how to express deep statements let alone any other expression which weren't related to his awesomeness or sex. He couldn't even tell Bones how glad he was that the doctor was his friend; Jim bought alcohol and smiled a lot and that was how he showed his gladness. He wasn't the type who talked all day long. Shoot now, ask later.

Jim wished it would be possible for him to show Spock how he felt. Take action instead of talking himself into trouble. But, Jim just knew that it wouldn't be wise nor helpful to kiss the Vulcan now, nor would it?

"I, I have no idea of vulcanic philosophy or any conventions but I think even I could manage to not screw up everything. That's why I am here, Spock. I beg you you tell me what I need to know to help properly." Jim stared at Spock who just stood there, staring back without looking at Jim at all. It wasn't a reaction, far from that, but there was that tremor, an awkward tension in the air... Jim got the feeling that Spock tried to lock him out and failed utterly. Nevertheless, the Vulcan didn't do anything. Jim wouldn't be Jim if he let himself be unmotivated by that. Maybe Spock didn't hear him but okay, that was unlikely because Vulcans couldn't overhear anything but it could be that Jim's words were so strange that Spock didn't believe them.

Jim was going to change that. Soon. Quickly.

Maybe he should have been angry at Spock for being ignored (because Jim loved to be in the center of attention, everyone knew that) but he just wasn't. He understood Spock. Jim wasn't very authentic when it came to love affairs and talking about emotions, real ones.

He decided it would be awesome of him if he told Spock what he planned to do. Even if he didn't plan anything concrete.

But that monolog of his didn't seem to do anything, obviously, Spock wasn't ready to lay his own feelings and thoughts open so maybe pure, human emotions would work better.

"Spock." Jim glanced at the the science officer, the stiff shoulders, the frozen posture... He wanted to touch Spock and take that tension away but it was highly possible that touching Spock would only make it worse.

He stood up from the bed and made a few steps in Spock's direction who still avoided eye contact and who still stood near the quarters' entrance. With every step Jim took Spock's body language changed slightly from frozen to strained to aggressive.

Suddenly a small voice in Jim's head appeared, telling him run run run run last chance, you idiot to leave because this was going to be something very different from everything Jim had ever experienced. A whole new way of life if he was going to touch Spock now.

Jim wouldn't back of. No running away for him. He wasn't the type who run away, never; he more was the kind of person who came when situations became dicey.

His hand came to rest on Spock's shoulder.

No reaction. Jim didn't hit the next wall. What a surprise.

Instead Spock's body language changed from the earlier aggressiveness to the vivacity of a cemetery stone. Jim could swear the Vulcan stopped breathing and he needed to find a way to get to Spock, to make him calm down and snap out of the ice statue mode, all at once. Jim then wondered why the science officer even had opened the door if he wasn't ready to face Jim's human behavior, yet. He also needed to calm down himself, because he was touching Spock and Spock was a touch telepath so the logical thing to do was to Calm. Down. And then Spock would, too.

Emotions and feelings were circling inside Jim's head and if he wanted Spock to react he had to bring them out. He actually knew what he had to do to get an reaction. He just didn't like the idea of triggering Spock because the Vulcan wouldn't like it.

Jim stopped the stupid thinking. This was, exactly, about feelings. And not about logic.

"Look at me. Please." His voice was soft and pleading and the second Spock finally looked up and into the blue oceans was enough for Jim to catch and hold the Vulcan. Jim's hand moved from the top of the shoulders to their side, caressing the fabric of the science uniform. While that happened Jim lost himself in the deep darkness of Spock's eyes and yes, he was pretty shocked by that. How weepy.

Then the moment of hold breathes and staring broke and Jim could end the action he was about to start.

Jim leaned forward and pressed his lips slightly against Spocks and oh my god that definitely was a spark jumping between them. The kiss was chaste and simple and Spock didn't return it but that was okay for Jim because the kiss wasn't meant to do more then deliver feelings.

"Remember when I said that you're destroying me reputation? That wasn't a joke because since that day all I can think of is you." Yes, yes Jim sounded horribly cheesy. Like a bad phrase in a romantic novel.

Jim didn't kiss Spock again but he went in for a hug, resting his head in Spock's neck and breathing in the scent. Spock smells like science and space and something undefinable and inherent that is just him.

And then, finally, thank god, Spock's shoulders relaxed and the tension started to drain out of him. Jim could feel it and a grin grew on his face. Hugging people always helped. He should hug Bones more often.

"You're with me Spock?" But instead of a verbal answer he felt two arms wrapping around him and Spock's head leaning against his. Weirdly enough Jim knew it meant Spock finally was with him.

If Spock had had any doubts about Jim's reasons he ranked them as 'inappropriate' the moment the human hugged him. Of course, in Spock's opinion Kirk still didn't know what happened, what he got himself into but that was fine. For that moment it was fine because the kiss? Was the first thing since his meditations had failed to calm his vibrating nerves. It was... reassuring and selfish, Spock knew that.

He never would have compared Jim Kirk's body temperature and his heartbeat to a meditation, though, but it seemed to do the job just as good.

Spock also was pretty sure that James Tiberius Kirk had to be at least a little bit insane to hug an unstable Vulcan. The hug was pretty badly to get his emotions back in the pot and the kiss, well, the kiss...

Let's say Spock decided he wouldn't let Kirk go now because the body heat felt amazing and he was fascinated by every spark of emotion coming from the cadet. Spock was exited even if the feelings were new and unfamiliar. But that wasn't a problem, really, because 'new and unfamiliar' had been his main reasons to join Starfleet instead of the Vulcan Science Academy. (Aside from the fact that those arrogant chairmen insulted his mother and his biological heritage.)

Spock was curious and that's why he hugged Kirk back. He wasn't able to kiss back because that had been the moment in which his brain crashed and burned and reacting was hard without a functional brain. He wasn't used to be without a brain. It felt weird.

He didn't know if this was what he wanted YES or if all of this happened because of his Pon Farr and the fact that he did not have a wife or any person to go though the fever with. Or maybe it was just Jim's scent. Could have been both, too.

Truth was his body screamed and needed more of whatever he needed and apparently it was Jim's touch he needed. Who would have guessed that. It was that moment that Spock realized that he had to be even deeper into the Pon Farr then he thought he was.

In the next moment a fire of something indefinable blazed up and Spock also decided that he didn't care.

Jim Kirk was pretty much surprised and shocked out of his mind when very hot vulcan lips were pressed against his. Seemed as if Spock wasn't up for a romantic novel but more for an erotic novel. Again, who would have guessed that?

~TBC~