Chapter 3: Tainted: Sickness in the Soul
Sango stared at the spot Kagome had just been standing in blankly, completely shocked and unable to even move. What in the hell? She looked over at Miroku, who was still laying on the ground, also unable to move. It had just been so... fast! One moment there, the next, gone!
Miroku shook his head; closing his eyes for a moment, he prayed every prayer he had everlearned that Kagome would still be standing there when he opened his eyes again. But when he finally did she wasn't, and he couldn't help the fear that washed through him for her as it began to sink in... because in the instant before she'd vanished he'd sensed Naraku. Pushing himself to his feet, he looked at Sango, who was looking at him with horror-struck eyes.
"Miroku... what was that?" Her voice was rising and she was becoming hysterical. "You'd better not tell me that was..." at his look, she shook her head angrily. "I told you, don't say that! It wasn't him!" she started sobbing. "Get on, monk! Move, now! We have to go find her - we have to go now, please..." her voice tapered off with anguish and she couldn't breath, and Miroku felt tears in his own eyes at the fear on Sango's face.
She'd already lost her entire village to Naraku, and now he'd taken her best friend... the only person she considered family that was left on this earth besides Kohaku, and that didn't count right now since he was controlled by the evil hanyou and most of the time didn't even remember her.
"Sango, I'd be glad to do so as soon as you can tell me which way we need to go! I can't feel a thing anymore, which means Naraku is already out of range and probably shielding as well. And I can't sniff him out like Inuyasha could, can you?" He looked at the firecat that looked just as angry as he felt. "Can you follow his scent, Kirara?"
The firecat mewed, shaking her head; there was no trail to follow. There was just... nothing.
"Well then, what do we do? We can't just abandon her, Miroku!" She suddenly screamed at the sky. "Damn you, Inuyasha! This is all your fault!"
Miroku leapt forward to catch her as she fell forward, almost falling off Kirara entirely she was so panicked. "Sango, love, calm down. This won't help Kagome." He caressed her hair, trying to soothe her. "We need to stay calm. At this point all we can do is head back to Kaede's." He put his hand gently over her mouth when she tried to interrupt. "There's no choice, my heart. We have no trail to follow, what little supplies we had went with Kagome, and there's absolutely no sign of Naraku anywhere. The only hope we have is to get back to the village and hope that we meet up with Inuyasha quickly." He looked at Kirara again. "Do you think you can travel straight through, Kirara? I know its a day and a half away."
Kirara nodded. I can. I will.
"Good, then that's what we will do. Sango, please, try to calm yourself. I know you're worried, bu-"
"Worried?! I'm terrified, Miroku! Do you really think he'll leave her alone for even a day? By the time we find that bastard that abandoned her, it'll be too late! Gods...!" She put her head down against Kirara's neck and cried, sobs wracking her slender body. She was falling apart at the seams because she knew all to well what Naraku was capable of, evidenced by what he'd done to her brother, to her whole village, and the thought of Kagome being hurt by that bastard too...
In that moment she hated Inuyasha almost as much as she hated Naraku. He'd left Kagome vulnerable and now she was alone and at the mercy of a sadistic murderer. She didn't know if she'd ever forgive him for this betrayal.
Because that's what this amounted to. He had betrayed his vow to protect Kagome... one that he'd made before Kikyou was brought back, so it should have had precedence over anything he'd promised Kikyou.
He'd betrayed Kagome. What price would Kagome end up paying for that? Whatever it was, Sango knew that it would be far, far too high.
As far as she was concerned, Inuyasha should be paying, not Kagome. And she would make sure he did.
Even if she had to extract the cost out of him herself.
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Kagome stood underneath Goshinboku, hand pressed against the scar that Kikyou's arrow had created five hundred years in the past. Ironic, really. How many people could claim to have met their own former incarnation? Most would think it a great chance, something to remember. But her? All that meeting had brought her was grief and pain. Did she hate Kikyou? She didn't know anymore. She just didn't.
It had been a week since she'd come home; thankfully, when she had gotten here her family had been gone for a few days, so it gave her time to become somewhat functional again. She knew the time when she'd have to go back was fast approaching. She didn't want to return, gods only knew, but she was pretty sure by now that Miroku and Sango had reached the village and were probably worried sick. It wasn't fair to keep them waiting any longer. As for Inuyasha? She chuckled, a sick, twisted sound that would have torn her mother's heart out if she had heard it. Inuyasha... well, he'd be alright. Who knew if he was even back yet? Probably still chasing Kikyou. With one last caress of the time-worn tree, she went back inside the house.
"Kagome, dear, are you ready to go back yet?" Her mother didn't know what had happened. She just thought that her daughter was depressed because of another fight with Inuyasha, so she'd not really said much. Kagome was very grateful for that fact.
"Yes, okaa, I suppose so. I already packed everything so I guess I'll go ahead and go. I'll try to be back as soon as I can, okay?"
"That's fine, dear. Just take care of yourself and make up that fight with Inuyasha, alright?"
She shrugged. "Sure, I'll try. See you soon. Bye." Picking up her bag she smiled at her mother before walking out of the house. As soon as she was out of her mother's sight, though, the smile dropped off her face and her eyes emptied of all emotion. That's the way it had been all week. In front of others a fake smile. Once alone, blank face and dead eyes. She wished she could just stay alone, this smile thing was beginning to hurt her face. Unfortunately, she'd have to do a lot more of it to convince Sango and Miroku that she was okay. That thought made her tired.
It was a good thing that her body had healed well. There were almost no marks left on her, although that didn't really matter, since she had gotten rid of her school uniforms and brought only pants and shirts with her. She wanted to cover every inch of her tainted skin, didn't want anyone looking at it or her.
Deep down, she knew that she wasn't actually tainted. She was still able to keep the jewel purified, but that couldn't change the fact that she felt tainted and probably would for the rest of her life. She honestly didn't know how long she'd be able to keep purifying the jewel at this rate, because she could feel the sickness in her soul, the stark, wallowing blackness, and she knew that she would have a long, hard battle to save it and herself.
Now she just had to decide if she even wanted to make that effort. Was it really worth it? Was there really an answer for that? And would it even matter what she did? In the end, maybe it would be better if she just handed the whole thing over to Kikyou, if she was still alive. And Kagome was sure she was. Oh yes, Kikyou was still alive. She had no doubt that sooner or later Inuyasha would find her. So maybe she would just give it to Kikyou. Gods knew that it should have been taken care of by her, anyway; the only reason she had been pulled back into the past was because Kikyou had failed. Well, now the other woman was alive again... so let her deal with it.
She stood in the shrine looking down into the well. Had she already made her decision?
No.
She had to go back and at least for now continue on with the quest. With that thought she jumped into the well, eyes tightly closed as fear began to overtake her. This was harder than she'd thought. Every second brought her closer to that bastard's reach, and she could truly say she'd rather die than ever be touched by him again.
Landing on the bottom of the well on the other side, she hunched her shoulders and threw her bag over the rim before slowly climbing out. Finally on her feet she let out an empty-sounding laugh as she took in her surroundings. Didn't look like Inuyasha was back after all. "Oh well... gives me the chance to settle things with the other two. I'll get some practice getting my lies straight, at least." Grabbing her bag back up from the ground she braced herself, and squaring her shoulders she headed to Kaede's hut.
She never made it there.
The first person to reach her was Shippo, and he hit her so hard he nearly floored her. "Kagome! Kagome! Where have you been, they said Naraku took you away, where did you come from... are you okay?"
Kagome blinked. Oh, yeah... smile. "Uh, yeah, Shippo, I'm fine. Where are the others?"
Next person to appear was Sango, running flat out towards her and Kagome braced herself, flinching. She was swamped in a desperate hug by a sobbing taijiya. "Gods, Kagome where the hell have you been? Are you okay? What happened?"
Miroku shook his head, a smile breaking across his face as he saw Kagome. When Shippo had first started yelling that Kagome was back he'd thought it was a trick, a trap set by Naraku, but Shippo had assured him that it really was Kagome, that she had the shards and still smelled mostly the same. Now, seeing her, he knew it was her... and yet it wasn't, and he knew then that something terrible had happened to her, something that had changed her forever. He frowned, wondering if she would tell them what had happened... somehow, he doubted she would.
"Welcome back, Kagome. I'm glad to see you in seeming good health." Smiling slightly at her, he gently pulled Sango away. "Why don't we take this back to the hut so we can sit down while Kagome tells us what happened to her?"
Kagome nodded at him, absently grateful that he'd calmed the situation. She began to realize that she really wasn't ready to deal with this, but it was too late now. Following along behind everyone with Shippo curled around her shoulders and unlikely to move anytime soon, she felt more tired than she ever had.
All I want is for the world to go away. That's all. Just go away and leave me alone. Why do Ihave to be responsible for fixing Kikyou's damn mistakes?
Her shoulders slumped. Somewhere deep down her soul was still fighting, refusing to give up. She knew this because she still felt responsible. She couldn't give up, because now she, more than anyone on this earth, knew the depths of depravity that bastard could sink to... and she wouldn't be able to live with it if she didn't at least try to fight him. Even if she didn't want to care, she still did, and so she had to deal with this situation.
If only she could figure out how.
When they reached the hut she had another round of happy greetings to get through from Kaede. She chuckled sourly inside because normally the obvious affection from her friends would have made her day, but now she just wanted to escape from all of them. They didn't know, couldn't feel the taint within her, even though they had all suffered at Naraku's hands none of them had had that evil bastard inside their bodies. It was a horrifyingly large difference, and only Kohaku could even have an inkling of what she was going through, because he'd had to suffer the presence of that monster inside his mind.
She suddenly understood the young taijiya in a whole new way.
"I am so glad to see ye, child! We were so terribly worried and we had no way to find ye." She glanced at Miroku and Sango. "So come in, sit and tell us what happened to ye. We all want to make sure that ye are alright, child, that's all," she said, at Kagome's tired look. "Please do not make us wait any longer to know how ye got away from the evil one. We knew not whether we would ever see ye again."
Kagome nodded, sinking wearily to her knees. Taking a deep breath, she slowly exhaled and then gave a small, shaky smile. "There really isn't much to tell, to be honest. I got a concussion, so I don't remember much of anything. I guess I passed out, and when I woke up I was near the well, so I managed to climb through it and go home."
Miroku studied her. It was too easy. There was something she wasn't saying, something she wasn't wanting to tell them. He knew, was absolutely positive that she hadn't forgotten anything, so whatever had happened must have been truly horrible for her to be hiding it and lying to cover it up. Kagome just wasn't one for lying much. And the fact that she was now scared him more than anything he could remember. It meant that something inside her had changed... or beenforcibly broken. Glancing at the others, he noted that they seemed to be willing to buy her story so he kept his thoughts to himself and would wait to discuss them later with Kaede. Sango he would leave in ignorance - she didn't need to deal with anymore fear or horror right now.
"Did you go see the healers in your time, Kagome-sama?"
She looked up at him and noted the shrewd look in his eyes. He knows, she thought with anguish and fear, he knows I'm lying – will he tell the others? Please, Miroku, please, if you ever cared for me at all, don't say anything! "Yeah. I'll be alright. Actually, that's one reason why I didn't return quicker," she said in a subdued voice. "I needed time to get over the concussion, and I had a few other fairly minor injuries. But I'm fine now."
Sango looked at her. "Kagome... what do you remember? What did he say to you?"
She waved her hand weakly. "Oh, you know, a bunch of crap like the baby that time, about how Inuyasha keeps leaving me in danger and he ranted about Kikyou for a while. I only remember bits and pieces because he hit me pretty hard when I didn't respond to his taunts." She ran her hand over her eyes. "Actually, can we finish this discussion another time? I'm still kinda recovering so I tire easily, and right now I'm really tired. I'd like to get some sleep, if that's okay with everyone."
Kaede nodded. "Yes, ye should sleep for it gives your body that much more time to heal." She gestured firmly to the others. "Come, Sango, Miroku. Let's leave her be."
All Kagome could think as they left her alone was that she was glad to be alone. It's already starting... the evil he implanted in me is beginning to come out.
Lying. Something she'd never been much good at, hadn't ever felt much of a need to do, and now here she was, lying to her friends, her family, and the worst part was...
She didn't even regret it.
What was she becoming?