A/N: Thank you all for your lovely words. This chapter will be a bit more serious then the previous ones. DE's relationship needed to get more intense and also because I needed to write some drama. I'm sorry but I need some drama, sorry *blushes* Nevertheless, I hope you'll enjoy it. Like always italics are flashbacks/memories and normal writing is either present or comments.

Chapter 4

"You can't see me, no

like I see you.

I can't have you, no

like you have me."

Hello guys,
I'm still in moving chaos, so this entry took me some time. Maybe also because old sores reopened and I needed time to stomach it again. You know it's kinda weird that thinking about that bygone evening aches but at the same time makes me beyond happy. Yeah, you might think I'm crazy and how such dilemma could possibly make one happy but it does. Because of many reasons. I often recall it and especially thinking of the way we danced and the way he touched me back then, makes me feel giddy. I've always been holding onto it. It was special for me and it still is, except for the bad part which I try to suppress.
To cut a long short, let's continue where we stopped..

Back home, I tumbled straight into my bed and started weeping bitterly in my pillow, the only thing giving me security at that moment. Why wasn't it me? Why didn't he kiss me? Was it something she had that I hadn't? Wasn't I good enough for him?
My head started pounding as a sign that I had shed way too many tears. Well, I didn't care. Right now, I didn't care about anything. I just wanted to cry, scream or break something. As if anything would ease the pain. While my body was uncontrollably trembling under my sobbing the scene appeared on my mind time after time. Probably he was still busy shoving his tongue in her throat.

"I hate him!" My scream was muffled by tears and only a choking sound came out.

A sharp pain shot through me and the uneven breathing brought me close to hyperventilating but eventually, a repeated shaking of my body, let my body completely limp and slump down. Too exhausted by the steady pain, my heart gave in and finally allowed me to fall asleep. The next day, I awoke with a weird feeling. Somehow similar like I had been on a bender, yet different. I felt lost. Alone. Numb. Every feeling strengthened through the heartache.

My mobile started vibrating. Several messages and missed calls from Caroline and also from him showed up.
"What's up, Care?" I asked free of emotion.
"How can you ask? I was worried about you! Last night you simply left all of a sudden! Without telling me! I had to hear it from Kat-"
"I'm sorry Caroline that I was only trying to get away after I had to witness Damon making out with Katherine. So please have mercy with me."
For one moment Caroline was completely flabbergasted and there was a dead silence.
"I.. I didn't know, Elena. If I had-" She started out carefully.

"You wouldn't have been able to change it, Care and it's fine. What's past is past. We don't need to talk about it. I'm not in the mood for it anyway." I paused to inhale deeply. "And everything's just fine."
"Elena." Caroline said, choosing her words with deliberation. "I'm your best friend and I know you. You can't lie to me, not about this and I can clearly tell you are anything else but fine."
She knew that I was in love with Damon for a long time and even had been confident about us after the time we had spent together lately.

To be honest, she wasn't the only one thinking that we might have a chance.
I updated her about the last night and the unpleasing events.
"I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing. I.. I can't go on any longer like this."
"Fiddlesticks, Elena! We'll get through this, together. He's just a stupid guy. He knows as much about girls as the man in the moon. Want me to kick his ass? I gladly would."
"No, Care. I'd better handle this my way."
"Which is?"
"Ignore him? Cancel him out of my life? I don't know yet."
"And you think that'll work?" Caroline's voice sounded doubtful.
"I have no idea. Do you have any better advice?"
"Not yet, but I'll work on it. And till I come up with something clever you can stick with your ignoring thingy. Main point is that you take one step back from him. He's no good."
"I know. You've already told me that the day-"
"Just keep your head up, okay? We'll make it."
I paused for a moment. "I try. Thanks Caroline."
"Anytime, sweetie. Do you want me to come over? I'd keep you company." She suggested dearly.
"Sorry hun but rather not. I need a time out from everything."
"Sure. As you like, but I'm always there for you if you need me. Love you."
"Love you too. Bye, Caroline."
"Bye sweetie."

7th November 2008 "Someone like you"

Friday had come. It's been over a week since my emotional breakdown and Damon and I were officially no longer on speaking terms. He didn't make it easy for me, though. All week he had made persistend attempts to talk to me. Every day had almost the took the same course. On the beginning of the week it had begun. On the bus ride I tried to sit as far away of him as I could to be rid of him.

"Hey, you-"

"Sorry, can't hear you. Music's too loud." I directly fobbed him off and put my headphones in.

Just leave me alone! It screamed in my head.

Thank god, he understood I didn't want to talk and left.

Fun is far from over.

In the school breaks he waited for me at the place where our group always met.

"Holy shit! He just can't stay away, can he?" Caroline cursed.

"What are we gonna do? He doesn't seem like he's about disappear anytime soon."

"Well, then we'll find ourselves a new place." She snobbishly glared at him, linked our arms and turned us around.

"Elena, wait! Elena!" His voice came nearer.

Caroline twisted her head to face him. "Shut the fuck up and get lost, Damon, okay! No one needs you!"

"I don't give a fuck what you say. All I care about is Elen-"

"Well, she doesn't need you either! Don't you get it?"

"You say, huh? Then why doesn't she tell me this herself?" Damon snapped at her, then turned on me.

"Please, Elena. Let's talk about this. At least give me 5 minutes to explain. I don't ask for more. Please." He begged. "I need you."

My heart and mind seemed to be at bitter struggle with each other. While in my head every logically thinking cell advised against giving in, my heart opposed and was proned to forget about everything and just give him a new chance.

"Damon, it's-"

"We've run out of time. Good riddance, Damon." Caroline stepped in and drag me off with her.

Luckily, Caroline kept me from doing something I would later possibly bitterly regret. But how long was I still going to be able to keep him at distance? To stay away from him? How long could my heart still survive without having him near me?

I desperately shook my head. "Caroline, I don't know for how long I can still keep this up."

"He's a tough nut, but still. Don't give in, try to stay brave. Otherwise it'll only make things worse."

"I can't imagine things getting any worse. We're not talking anymore and I miss him so much when he's not around."

"He'll only hurt you even more."

Then I have to live with that if that's the price to have him close by again, Caroline. I just miss him, okay? I miss him when he's not around. I think about him all the time and I imagine him being next to me when I'm alone. I just want him back." I complained heavy-hearted.

Caroline's face saddened and sympathy showed in her eyes. "I understand, sweetie. I understand."

Then she wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly.

During class he sent lots of messages, for example this one:

Hey there :)

Yeah, exactly you.

I like you.

xoxo, Damon

P.S. I miss you..

My heart tightened in my chest.
What had I done wrong to deserve all this? Was he so bent on making my sorrow even worse?

After school I just wanted to go home as soon as possible. I had screwed up two of my exams and it simply wasn't my day.

I swept from the room towards the way out.

"Elena-", quite suddenly a strong hand grabbed my wrist. "-wait."

Sighing I turned around and stared awaiting at him. "What do you want, Damon?"

"How long will this run-away-game take? I'm getting tired of it."

"Then do yourself a favor and give up already."

He creased his face in disbelief. "No! How can you even say that? You're important to me. Very much, so."
"If I were that important to you as you profess, you wouldn't have treated me like that, Damon."
"Treat you how?"
"Like I'm only your leverage to make Katherine jealous and now let go of me."
I joggled my hand to slip through his grasp.
"Damon, let go of me." I spoke in a firmly voice.
"No. Not until we pronounced this distrinctly."
Anger backed up inside me and wrathfully I broke away. Subsequently he pushed me with full commitment of his body against a wall nearby and his other hand blocked my way.
His eyes searched for connection with my eyes and when they finally locked with each other, he whispered in a vulnerable sound. "I can't lose you."

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