So, I checked out 'Harry Potter and The Boy Who Lived', which several of my reviewers directed me toward. Overall, I'd say not bad, though I have to agree with Loki Fenrisulf IV in saying that the two brother's characters were basically reversed (Harry equaled OC, while OC equaled Canon-Harry), which was rather disappointing. But, it did meet the requirements that I set out, so I can't complain too much.
In other news, thanks to all the readers and reviewers of this story. Glad to know you're enjoying it so far, especially since I'm pretty much making it all up scene by scene as I go along.
Now back to it. Enjoy.
xxx
xxx
No sooner had Harry reached the compartment housing his usual group of friends did Hermione pounce on him.
"Oh Harry, I'm so sorry about the way everyone's been treating you all this time! Calling you names and treating you worse than the deformed offspring of a House Elf and a goblin all because your despicable brother lied and made everyone believe that he was a real hero instead of you! But I just want you to know that I've always believed in you, no matter what anyone else said!"
Ginny knocked the older girl out of the way. "I'm very sorry too, Harry. And to show you just how sorry I am, I brought you a butterbeer."
Harry tentatively took the bottle offered to him. "Thanks, Ginny."
"You should drink it right now," she said, staring at him expectantly. "Before it gets warm."
Harry glanced at the bottle then back to the redhead. "Nah, that's okay, I'm not that thirsty. I'll just save it for later."
"...Drink the love potion."
"What?"
"Drink the butterbeer."
"Oh. Thought you said something else."
Ron got up and dragged his sister off of Harry, helping him up and into a seat. "So, uh…" he started, trying to find the best words to use for such a situation. "Well, we've all said some things that we now regret, right? So what do you say we just forget that these last five years ever happened and start as friends again?"
It wasn't at all difficult for Harry to forget about the last five years, since they appeared to be completely different from the last five years as he knew them anyway. "Sounds good to me."
Ron grinned. "Awesome. And uh, by the way: you mind if we call you Daniel? You know, at least until the shock wears off?"
"I would... prefer you didn't."
xxx
Someone was knocking at the door.
Lord Voldemort found this rather odd, as there was only a very select few who knew the location of his secret headquarters. And the few who did know about it also knew about the secret knock that was to be used to prove who they were. Whoever this was wasn't using that secret knock at all. In fact it wasn't even so much a knock as it was a particularly annoying pounding that seemed designed to irritate anyone around to hear it.
Equally annoying was that no one else was here to answer the door for him. He grumbled darkly as he stood from his throne of mudblood skulls and walked to the door. If only he hadn't been forced to kill the three Death Eaters that he'd left stationed here due to their overwhelming incompetence, he wouldn't be stuck doing this crap himself.
Gripping his wand, he flung open the door, and was momentarily stunned to find a young girl standing before him.
"Hello, Dark Lord-sama," she greeted him in a voice that grated even further on his nerves. "My name is xXxHarryHeartsSeverusxXx."
"..." Voldemort ...'ed.
"I have written a list of One Hundred Ways to Totally Annoy Dark Lords and I'm here to test them all out on you to see if they're accurate!" So saying, the girl pulled out a long piece of parchment and began to read. "Number 1: Calling you things that sound like your name, but are actually hilarious insults. For example: things like 'Voldywarts', or 'Moldyshorts', or-"
"Crucio."
Voldemort watched with a look of mild entertainment as xXxHarryHeartsSeverusxXx finished twitching on the floor like someone who'd just stepped on a livewire. He waited until her eyes refocused again before speaking. "I'm sorry, that was rude of me. Please, continue."
Staggering back to her feet, she nodded nervously. "R-right. Um...N-number 2: Making insinuating remarks concerning the relationship between you and Orochimaru from Naruto-"
"Crucio."
As she flailed about like a fish on dry land, Voldemort casually crossed his arms. "Well, I must say so far I'm impressed. You're only two ways into your list and already I'm finding myself quite annoyed."
With considerably more trouble this time, the girl fought her way back to her feet. Unsurprisingly, she wasn't looking all that enthusiastic about her little project anymore. "W-w-well uh...I think...I think that's enough testing for one day-"
"Oh?" He-of-Many-Hyphenated-Nicknames asked in mock disappointment. "But we still have ninety-eight more ways of annoying me to go. And I'm ever so excited to hear all of them."
xXxHarryHeartsSeverusxXx began to sweat. "Um, well see, t-the thing is, I kind of put off doing my Algebra assignment that's due tomorrow in order to make this list, so I really should be getting home to finish that. So maybe, uh...ma-maybe some other time." She turned back to the door, only to see it slam closed in her face and bolt itself shut.
"Oh no, no, no," Voldemort told her, his face finally splitting into a dark smirk. "I insist."
Looking back on it now, the poor girl really wasn't sure why she thought purposely setting out to annoy one of the most powerful and evil wizards in all of Europe was a good idea.
xxx
After traveling for a while, Ron and Hermione left to take care of their Prefect duties. Ginny left shortly after upon realizing that Harry wasn't going to be drinking his love-butterbeer, leaving Harry alone in the compartment. The shaggy haired boy used the moments of peace to silently pray that things would finally go back to normal now that he was on his way back to Hogwarts.
"Potter!" a pompous voice rang out as the door flew open.
"Thank you," Harry mumbled under his breath, for once actually feeling a little happy to be bothered by Draco Malfoy. At least it was familiar.
"I have something very urgent that I must speak with you about," Draco explained as he sat down across from Harry.
Harry hung his head. Oh Merlin, the ponce was being civil. Couldn't anybody in this alternate universe act the way they were supposed to?
"What is it, Malfoy?" he asked, just wanting to get the situation over with.
"I need you to marry me."
Nothing was said for about thirty seconds. Oh, Harry tried to say something several times. He would lift his hand up, open his mouth, freeze for a second, lower his hand back to his lap and close his mouth without a sound over and over. He glanced out the window, noted that the sky was still blue and turned back to the floor. Finally, he looked up at Draco.
"No."
Draco sighed. "You don't understand, Harry," (Oh Gandolf, he called me 'Harry'!) "This is literally a matter of life and death for me."
"Ah, well in that case, Hell No."
"Look Harry, I've recently come to the realization that you're my one true love. In hindsight, I don't know why I didn't see it sooner. I mean, it was so bloody obvious! But I digress, I'm running out of time here and I really need you to bind yourself body and soul to me as soon as possible before I die."
Harry took a moment to let that sink in. It didn't.
"Okay, explain that to me again," he requested. "Only this time, pretend I'm a complete idiot."
Showing a patience not oft seen in the blonde git, Draco nodded and started from the beginning. "Well Harry, as I'm sure you're well aware of by now, I'm a Veela, and therefore I-"
He was cut off as Harry held his hand up with his palm out forward. He then stood up and silently exited the compartment. Moments later, Draco heard several muffled thumps before The-Boy-Who-Lived-In-Hell returned with a small line of blood trickling down his face, and calmly sat back down.
"Go on."
"Therefore I've begun searching for my One True Love, since, as a Veela, I'll never be truly happy unless I find, bind my soul to, and marry my One True Love. Now, all of my natural Veela senses are telling me that you, Harry, are my One True Love, and now that I've become aware of it, I must performing the binding ritual with you as soon as possible or risk dying of a broken heart."
Harry remained in a hunched over position, but nodded slightly. "Okay... Now I have a couple of grievances with what you just said."
Draco frowned. "Like what?"
"Well, first of all: You are not a Veela. And second of all: Everything else you just said."
"I am so a Veela," Draco insisted.
"I'm just about positive that you're not," Harry refuted.
"I am."
"What side of your family did you get it from, then?" he challenged.
Draco brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"
"Was your mother a Veela?" Harry prompted.
"No," Draco answered, sounding almost insulted by the question.
"Your father, then?" Harry wasn't at all certain that there ever were male Veela, to be honest, since the only ones he'd ever seen had been female. But, then again, after everything else that he'd experienced over the last several weeks, the gender specifications of Veela only ranked about number 14 on his Weird Shit List.
"Of course not, Potter! My parents are members of two of the oldest Pureblood families in history! You know that!"
"So then in what sense are you a Veela!"
"Because I have a Thrall," was the simple answer.
"...No, you don't."
Draco smirked. "Actually, you only think I don't because you're the only one not affected by it. Watch." He got up and flung the door to the next compartment open. "Hi, everyone."
"Hi, Draco~!" Every boy and girl inside greeted amidst lots of swooning, drooling and giggling.
Harry felt himself die just a little at the display.
Draco closed the door and turned back to him. "But then there's you, Harry." He then clasped his hands behind his head and began gyrating his hips. "Does this do anything for you?"
"...Besides make me want to projectile vomit? No."
Draco flung his shirt off and began tweaking his nipples. "How about this?"
Harry turned a distinct shade of green. "Seriously, I'm going to puke if you don't stop."
Draco spun around, planted his hands against the wall and thrust his rear out. "And this? Don't you just want to shove me against the wall and bugger me until I can't-"
"NO! Glinda the Good Witch, NO!"
"Well that's my point exactly! That proves we're soul-mates!" the blonde boy declared.
Harry's head dropped into his hands. "Okay Malfoy, here's the thing. I haven't had a very good day, or month for that matter. ...Let's be honest, my whole life has sucked, but this last month has left me with a headache that might not ever go away, and your delusional man-crush on me isn't helping in the slightest. So what do you say we drop the whole Veela and Thrall and Soul-mate talk and we can just go back to hexing, insulting and humiliating each other like we always do?"
"Oh, don't worry Harry, there'll be plenty of time for all that after we're married."
"...I'm gonna leave. I'd appreciate it greatly if you didn't follow me."
"B-but what about our binding?"
Harry headed for the door. "Not gonna happen."
Draco cried out in agony and clutched his chest. "Rejected by my One True Love! Oh my heart! Oh woe is me! Oh what a world!"
After about twenty seconds filled with enough melodrama to make a soap-opera star cringe, Draco flopped to the ground, spasmed once, and went still.
Five seconds later, he tilted his head up, saw that Harry was still staring at him, and quickly went back to being 'dead'.
"...Maybe the Hufflepuffs are still normal," Harry muttered as he left the compartment.
xxx
Harry quickly realized that he had no way of knowing if any Hufflepuffs were acting normal, because he had no idea how any of them acted to begin with. Hell, he barely remembered any of their names. They were only Hufflepuffs, after all, who actually cared about them?
Thankfully, the train finally arrived at Hogwarts and Harry was able to meet back up with Hermione and Ron.
"I had the creepiest meeting with Malfoy while you two were gone," he informed them as they dragged their trunks off the train.
"Lucky you," Ron grumbled.
"Mm, Draco," Hermione sighed.
"...Gonna ignore that. Anyway, he-"
But before he had the chance to elaborate, two Aurors appeared directly in front of them, wands drawn.
"Not so fast, you three," one of the men growled. "We've been investigating the recent killing of one Daniel Potter."
His partner moved forward. "We'd like to ask the three of you some questions."
Harry shrugged. "Sure, I-"
"It was him!" Ron shouted, gesturing wildly at Harry.
Harry looked back at him in shock. "Wha-?"
"He was always jealous of Daniel!" Hermione shouted over him.
"Huh!"
"I never trusted him!" Ron added.
"Yeah, I knew from the moment I first met him he was no good!" Hermione added on top of Ron's add-on.
Harry was perplexed. "The bloody Hell is wrong with you two?"
"Don't talk to us, murderer!" Ron commanded.
"Bastard!" Hermione screamed.
"Traitor!"
"Rapist!"
"Child-molester!"
"Death Eater!"
"I am NOT a Death Eater!" Harry shouted. "...Or anything else-"
The two Aurors placed their hands on his shoulders. "We suggest you come along quietly, Sir."
"But-but-but-"
"Though personally, I like it better when they DON'T come quietly," the second man smirked menacingly.
Harry's body sagged and he allowed himself to be led away. He couldn't understand why his best friends would betray him like that, but there wasn't much he could do at the moment.
Oh well. He'd at least get the chance to clear his name in court. He had confidence that the wizarding legal system would see him through this.
xxx
Ten minutes later, in an Azkaban cell...
"Well shit."
xxx
xxx
Everybody loves Draco, whether they like it or not. That includes you, whether you like it or not. Sad fact of fanfiction, I know, but what can you do?
Also, I'm almost positive that nobody on this site actually has the pen-name xXxHarryHeartsSeverusxXx. If someone actually does use that as a name, just know that the Voldemort scene wasn't intentionally aimed at you. Unless your name is xXxHarryHeartsSeverusxXx AND you've written a lame list of ways to annoy and/or kill a Harry Potter character, in which case it was totally aimed at you and you should be ashamed. Seriously.
Next Time: So, Harry is betrayed and sent to Azkaban for something he didn't do. Doesn't anybody actually NOT know what usually happens next?
Til then.
LL