Chapter Four:
Death, Darth, And Deluded
When Darth Sidious entered the waiting room, Ameel and Korrel both got to their feet – surprise, and expectation, on their faces.
"Great One! You are actually here!" the Dathomirian breathed, her eyes wide with delight.
"Yes! I am here. No – do not kiss my hand. Or my robes!" Sidious snapped at Korrel, as she fell to her knees in front of him and tried to make intimate contact.
"Um… Sir? Yur never said anything 'bout your last apprentice being sliced into two! Da lady here told me. Are we allowed tur take out personal health insurance with this job…?"
"Be silent, Ameel!" barked Sidious. "I have come to announce my decision as to who will become my next apprentice."
Both the Chiss and the Dathomirian locked their attention on him, with baited breath.
"Ameel. Kneel before me." Sidious beckoned to him with one hand.
With his red eyes widening with delight, the Chiss candidate gave Korrel a smug grin. Then he got onto his knees on the fine carpet of the lounge-like room. His head, bent forward, was level with the other man's chest.
"Now, I will knight you…" Sidious pulled his lightsaber out from his belt, and activated it. The red beam – the colour of a true Sith – hummed into place, turning the face of the blue-skinned mountain of a Chiss somewhat purple.
"Thank yur for choosing me, sir," said Ameel.
"The pleasure is…all…mine!" And with a lift, followed through with a 'swish' and a strong, energetic sideways stroke, Darth Sidious decapitated Ordo Ameel.
There was the briefest of loud screams, which was – literally – cut off. The blue-skinned head then flew through the air and bounced off Korrel's plate of biscuits on the coffee table in the seating area, before coming to rest on the floor. Korrel looked longingly at her interrupted snack – then, shuddering, decided to dump the contents in the refuse bin. Next, she hesitantly approached the severed head. Gingerly, she picked it up, noting that the heat of the lightsaber cut had cauterised the wound, leaving no bleeding. She turned the head round, so to take in the face of her fallen fellow candidate…
She gasped, and dropped the head in shock. A jammy dodger was wedged halfway in Ameel's mouth. Somehow, he had caught it in-between his teeth, during his flyby impact.
Korrel spun round. Ameel's headless body was sliding off Darth Sidious's robe as she watched. He kicked at it, and the Chiss's torso slumped over, hitting the carpet with a 'thud'.
"Stupid to the end, was he!" Sidious rasped, switching off his lightsaber. He paused, frowning. Muttering more to himself than to Korrel, he added: "I am picking up bad habits from a certain Jedi Master, in my anger! I'll start again. Ameel was stupid to the last."
Korrel bowed down before him. "You are wise, Great One. I take it…that I am to become your new apprentice?"
Sidious shifted his attention to the Dathomirian candidate. He gave the ghost of a smile. "I certainly have a plan in mind for your future, Korrel."
He raised his hands towards her. Suddenly, the bone-headed would-be Sith was yanked upwards a couple of feet. She gave a startled cry – then began choking as she felt a crushing pressure on her neck and throat. Korrel tried to summon up her novice abilities of Force Push and Force Pull to unbalance the cowled man and break his Force Choke on her. It was to no avail.
Korrel's blood pounded in her head. Her vision swam, and the oxygen reaching her lungs and brain steadily dwindled. "No…! Wh-why?" she managed to gasp.
"You would be a poor substitute for your cousin, Miss Garden Centre, I-want-a-brown-lightsaber, wretch!" Sidious spat. He concentrated and increased the pressure on her. "My plan for your future is simply death!"
Seconds later, Korrel dropped down with a second 'thud' upon the lounge carpet next to Ameel's headless bulk. Both of them now ex-candidates – united in defeat.
At least I won't have to worry about having the floor washed…, Sidious noted. Now, once I've got my personal guards to dispose of the bodies, I will have to decide where to go from here…
He froze on the spot, and sharply looked up and across to the door that connected the lounge to the interview chamber.
Strange… I feel something in the Force. Coming this way…
Sidious walked over to the door, his hand on his lightsaber hilt, ready to switch it back on if necessary. The door slid open upon his approach, and a tall figure in a dark cloak half-walked, half-glided into the lounge. It was carrying some wooden weapon, with a metal blade set in the upper section.
The Sith Lord stepped back, in confusion. He blinked - then found his voice. "I was…not aware that I had a fourth candidate. My apologies. I will have to strangle my secretary, later."
I'D RATHER YOU DID NOT. YOU HAVE GIVEN ME ENOUGH WORK TO DO, COMING ALL THE WAY OUT HERE, the figure declared in a basso profundo voice that seemed…somehow unnatural.
Sidious scowled. "Given you…work? I will need to interview you first, before I can possibly offer you the vacancy. I must warn you. You will have to be…more impressive…than those idiots." He gestured to the two corpses in the lounge, and then added: "However, I do approve of the dark cloak and your skeleton mask, I have to say. That is a worthy way to conjure fear in the enemies of the Sith."
YOU MISUNDERSTAND. I HAVE NOT COME HERE FOR ANY…VACANCY. I HAVE A FULL-TIME POSITION, AS IT IS, the newcomer solemnly intoned.
Uncertainty gnawed and gradually grew in the mind of Darth Sidious.
"Who…are you? How did you…get in here?" As he finished speaking, he was shocked to hear some creature making a drawn out noise from the direction of the interview chamber. It sounded like "N…a…y!"
"What the…?"
THAT WILL BE BINKY, MY HORSE. I'VE TOLD HIM TO WAIT IN THE ROOM WHERE YOU KILLED THE FLAMBOYANTLY-DRESSED ONE, WHILST I COLLECT THE SOULS OF THESE TWO UNFORTUNATES, HERE. The skeletal figure paused, and then added. YOU MUST BE SOME KIND OF WIZARD TO SEE ME. I WONDER… CAN YOU ALSO SEE THE SOULS OF THOSE YOU SLEW?
Sidious turned, following the direction of the extended bony finger, which was pointing at the bodies of Ameel and Korrel. There was nothing else to notice about them. "I see…nothing," he admitted.
THAT RED-EYED FELLOW IS RATHER CROSS WITH YOU. HE'S TRYING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE, AND IS PUZZLED AS TO WHY HE'S NOT CONNECTING, the strange visitor elaborated. THE LADY, MEANWHILE, IS CRYING BECAUSE SHE IS TRYING TO GET BACK INTO HER BODY, BUT KEEPS GETTING FORCED BACK OUT. AND IF YOU CANNOT SEE THEM, THEN YOU THEREFORE CANNOT SEE THE SPIRIT OF LORD VARDAINTH, BESIDES ME.
"Er… No." The anger flared up again in him. "You did not answer my questions!"
DIDN'T I? I AM SORRY. I FLEW IN ON MY HORSE, AND WE ENTERED THIS…SPACE STATION…VIA THE WALLS.
Sidious was thoroughly perplexed by now. "Flew…? Through the walls, without activating the detectors or alerting the guards? And what…is a horse?"
AHH… BINKY AND I ARE NOT SUBJECT TO YOUR LAWS OF PHYSICS. I WOULDN'T DWELL ON IT TOO MUCH…
"Will you stop talking in Capital Letters! ?" Sidious bellowed, his face reddening once more.
The stranger tilted his 'face' slightly. The hollow spaces that were the eye sockets seemed to pierce into Darth Sidious's mind. The Sith Lord had by now noticed that the other…being…never seemed to move his mouth whilst speaking.
In fact, he was becoming certain that the figure was not wearing a mask, after all. His latest visitor was…most disturbing.
CAN YOU FIND IT WITHIN YOURSELF TO STOP BEING A MANIPULATIVE DARK LORD OF THE SITH?
Sidious took a deep breath to quail his temper. He pursed his lips, and – keeping his tone level – replied, "No!"
EXACTLY. NOR CAN I STOP SPEAKING LIKE THIS. IT IS IN MY NATURE.
"Your nature…? Who…or what are you?"
OH… BOTHER. THERE I GO AGAIN. I HAVEN'T INTRODUCED MYSELF, HAVE I? I AM DEATH.
The Sith Lord felt a chill run through his entire body, and he staggered back in alarm. Activating his lightsaber, he gave a battle cry and raised his blade – then swung it sideways through the intruder…
"Yaagghh!" Sidious panicked as he nearly lost his balance with the follow-through of his attack. There had been no resistance to his stroke – as if he had been striking at thin air…
DO YOU MIND? THAT WAS RATHER…TICKLISH. The eye sockets of the skeletal being had somehow narrowed. It was…scowling…at him?
"How…?"
I TOLD YOU. I AM NOT SUBJECT TO YOUR PHYSICAL LAWS. DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN KILL DEATH?
Sidious was silent for a moment. Then he gave a slow, half-hearted guffaw. "Ha…ha…ha."
I AM AFRAID I DON'T UNDERSTAND…
The future Emperor sneered. "I just wanted to truly say to my friends that I have laughed in the face of death."
AH... I SEE. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS. NOT REAL ONES, ANYWAY.
Sidious reluctantly conceded that Death had a point there. Not that he was going to verbally acknowledge it. Feeling rather foolish for his failed attack, he switched off his lightsaber.
"I sensed a disturbance in the Force as you approached…"
THE FORCE?
"Yes – the essence of all living things in the universe! That which Jedi and Sith are more receptive to…"
YOU COULD NOT HAVE SENSED ME APPROACHING. I AM NOT A LIVIN' THING. THOUGH I DO RATHER LIKE THE SONG…
"What…?"
SORRY. I DIGRESS. THAT IS SOMETHING YET TO BE MADE. ANOTHER GALAXY ALTOGETHER, IN FACT. ANYWAY, I THINK THAT YOU MERELY SENSED THE SPIRIT OF LORD VARDAINTH, WHO YOU ELECTROCUTED. I HAVE ALREADY COLLECTED HIS SPIRIT, AND HE IS STANDING BESIDES ME RIGHT NOW…
"I'm sooo glad that I cannot see or hear him," Sidious muttered.
YES. HE'S NOT HAPPY ABOUT BEING IGNORED… WHAT'S THAT, MY GOOD MAN…? Death cocked his head to one side. AHH…YES, HE'S ALSO RATHER ANNOYED THAT YOU FRIED HIM, AS WELL… ANYWAY, I MUST PRESS ON WITH MY WORK…
"You will not collect me…" Sidious bared his hands before him, ready to unleash more of his Force Lightning, in case the Shadow of Death fell upon him. Except that the robed skeleton did not seem to be casting a shadow…
AGAIN, YOU ARE DELUDED. I HAVE NOT COME TO COLLECT YOU. I NOW NEED TO GATHER THE SOULS OF ORDO AMEEL AND KORREL. PLEASE STEP ASIDE, WHILST I SEE TO BUSINESS. THANK YOU.
Moving over to the fallen bodies of the other candidates, the black-robed manifestation of Death stopped. With a loud 'click' the metal blade of the staff opened up into a scythe, then – wielding the strange weapon he was carrying with his bony hands, the stranger 'swished' the curved blade over Ameel and Korrel, apparently cutting through something that was invisible to the Sith Lord. There was a brief flash of two motes of light joining another that was already positioned next to Death. The illuminations faded.
Feeling his fear giving way to fascinated curiosity, Darth Sidious stepped forward again.
"I…apologise…for my rash actions towards you. Perhaps you can be of service to me," he declared evenly. "I could pay you to visit certain Jedi and claim their souls…" Sidious considered his next words, frowning. "I will not convey upon you the title of Darth Death, however…"
The visage of Death turned to face him. YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND MY NATURE. I DO NOT KILL OTHERS, I MERELY EXAMINE THE HOUR GLASSES IN MY DOMAIN. THEY TELL ME WHEN SOMEONE'S LIFE IS ABOUT TO END. I THEN TRAVEL UPON BINKY, IN ORDER TO REACH THOSE WHO ARE ABOUT TO DIE, SO I CAN USE MY SCYTHE HERE TO CUT FREE THEIR EMERGING SPIRITS FROM THEIR FALLEN BODIES. THEN I TAKE THEIR SPIRITS INTO THE NEXT REALM – WHEREVER THEY ARE DESTINED TO GO. He paused. YOU, OF COURSE, WILL GO TO SOMEWHERE RATHER UNPLEASANT…
Sidious narrowed his eyes. "Do you know…when…I am destined to die?" he asked, fearing what he might hear.
But Death shook his head. IT IS NO TIME SOON, ALAS. IN THE MEANTIME, I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU DID SOMETHING TO CURB YOUR TEMPER – INSTEAD OF SLAUGHTERING PEOPLE.
The Sith Lord snorted. "I would have killed the unsuccessful candidates, anyway! That was to be the price of their failure at the interview. Then no one would learn from them why they were here." He then added. "Not that those fools knew that in advance, of course."
AND YOU ENDED YOU KILLING ALL THREE, BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL…UNAPPOINTABLE.
"Yes! And then you showed up!"
THAT'S BECAUSE THE POWERS-THAT-BE HAD NOT YET APPOINTED THE DEATH OF HUMANOID LIFEFORMS FOR YOUR NEW SPACE STATION HERE – SO THEY HAD TO FETCH ME AT SHORT NOTICE. OH, WELL. AS LONG AS I CAN CLAIM TRAVEL EXPENSES, IN ORDER TO FEED BINKY…
"The…POWERS-THAT-BE?" Dang! Thought Sidious. Now he's got me speaking the same way…
YES, ANYWAY I MUST GO AND TAKE THESE THREE SOULS TO THEIR AFTERLIVES. THEN RETURN TO THE DISCWORLD. Death paused. His skeletal hand reached inside his robes and pulled out an hour glass from within. He read out a name etched on it. HMM… VAYNA VEP. SO SHE'S ABOUT TO DIE, FOR THE SECOND TIME.
"Second…time?" queried Sidious, puzzled yet again.
YES. SHE WAS BLEEDING TO DEATH FROM A VAMPIRE BITE, ON THE FIRST OCCASION. SHE MADE A CHOICE I OFFRERED TO HER, AND I ENDED UP GRANTING HER A LIFE EXTENSION, AS A VAMPIRE HERSELF. TSK... I DID WARN HER THAT SHE HAD TO GIVE UP HER HUMAN HABIT OF SUNBATHING ON THE BEACH… ANYWAY, MUST DASH. COME ALONG, YOU THREE. NO BICKERING NOW…
And with that, Death turned away from Darth Sidious. The blade of his…scythe…somehow folded itself against the wooden handle, and the hooded skeleton with the profound voice glided through the closed door that led back to the interview chamber. There was a fading ripple in the Force, as the unseen spirits of the three deceased candidates followed in Death's wake. Sidious felt a brief stab of anger and fury directed at him – then nothing.
Silence fell in the lounge as the Sith Lord collapsed upon the comfortable sofa, his mind reeling. Amongst the various thoughts that were tumbling over in his head, there was the fact that the voice of Death had sounded somehow familiar. Those rich, melodious tones… Where had he heard them before? Thanks to his political connections, Darth Sidious had met a lot of people – and had listened to recorded footage of many more. In the Jedi Council and in various other associations and guilds within the Republic.
Ah, yes… I remember now.
He carefully mulled over the new idea forming in his head, his lips curling into a hard smile. There was potential here. Someone who could be worthy of becoming his next Sith Apprentice. Someone with more clout than the dolts he had suffered today…
Sidious got up and walked over to the voice-activated computer in his private chamber.
"Computer. Access and display to me all available information on Count Dooku…"
THE END!
Author's note: For those not understanding the end joke, in the animated version of the Discworld novel 'Soul Music', Death was voiced by the same actor as who played Count Dooku in Star Wars Episodes II and III – the wonderful Christopher Lee! Also, the incident of a candidate leaving their I-pod on during an interview, and consequently hearing voices, is based on an apparently-true story!
Please review! If any criticisms – make them constructive. Purely negative reviews will be ignored.