Okay guys, here's what happened; I got put in the hospital for 3 weeks (long story) and that made me miss my college exams. So then I had to work on making up those three weeks of college classes on top of keeping up with my ongoing classes this semester. I'm terrible at updating naturally also. But I am sorry. Here is another chapter. I am also working on the next two chapters which I hope to have up soon. Please let me know what you think and if you like?

"I couldn't do it." Those were the first words Amanda had heard from Olivia Saturday morning.

The blonde had showed up to Olivia's apartment that morning around 9:30. She had hoped the man Olivia had taken home the previous night would be gone by then. However, the younger detective found the situation had totally been turned around.

"What are you talking about , Liv?"

"The man I took home last night, I couldn't go through with dragging another man home from the bar. I ditched him before we even made it a couple blocks from the bar…" Olivia looked mentally and physically drained, like she had been up all night.

"Why? I mean did something happen?" Amanda questioned, looking concerned for her friend.

"Yeah, I realized I'm in my mid-forties and I need to stop acting like a slut," Olivia let out a fake laugh, "I feel like I fucking screw every damn guy in this city! I need some stability in my life. I'm starting to have a guilty conscious. I just don't know anymore. I just…!" Olivia had become aggressive and she threw her breakfast dishes in the sink with a crash, placing her hands on either side of the sink. She looked out the kitchen window, it was clear she had tears in her eyes that were threatening to spill over.

Amanda walked up behind Olivia and put her hand on the older woman's shoulder, "Okay, Olivia. Alright." A single tear fell down the brunettes face as she made eye contact with the blonde, then slowly turned around, and slid down onto the kitchen floor. Amanda got down and sat right beside her. "Liv, what's going on?" She asked her, then put her hand on Olivia's arm. "Come on, talk to me."

The older detective wiped her face with her hand and adjusted the messy pony tail she'd put her hair in earlier that morning. Olivia stared at the floor in front of her. "I can be the tough detective at work, you know? All brave and taking charge and shit. 'Badass Benson' if you will, but it's like when I come home and the badge and gun come off, I'm a different person." She glanced at Amanda then looked away as another tear slipped down her face. "I feel like a failure. I am a failure."

The blonde put her hand on Olivia's shoulder, "Look at me, Olivia." It took a few seconds for the brunette to respond to Amanda's request but she finally did. Amanda looked into the older detective's deep hazel eyes, "Olivia Benson, you are in no way a failure at anything. Do you understand me?" The older detective just stared at Amanda as if she was trying to comprehend what she had said.

"I don't have a husband; I never have been married at all. I have no children, no kids. I have no one to come home to. You're my only close friend and who knows how long that'll last, the moment you decide to move units or retire, I'll never hear from you again and lord knows you'll retire before I do because the job is my life. I'll never be able to leave it. It's all I have." Olivia had just started ranting off sentences in a frenzy, saying what came to mind.

"I'm not him." It was a simple sentence that got Olivia's attention. She looked at the blonde with tired but yet alert eyes.

"What?" Even though Olivia asked the question, she knew all too well what Amanda was referring to.

They sat side by side on Olivia's kitchen floor. As the brunette stared at her friend sitting beside her, Amanda stared at the wall straight ahead and didn't move but only to grab Olivia's hand with her own between them and interlace their fingers in a friendly gesture.

"I am not him. I'm not Elliot Stabler. It won't happen between us like it did between you and him." Amanda tightened her grip around Olivia's hand as Olivia did the same. Now it was the blonde's turn to get teary eyed. "You're the only one I got, Liv. I have my judgemental mom back in Georgia, then I got my psycho schizophrenic sister who is all over Georgia. One minute she hates me and wants me dead, the next she loves me and is needing some money. I came up here to get away from all that, plus my assault. But I didn't plan on how lonely it would be," Amanda then looked to Olivia, "or how hard it would be to make friends."

"Amanda-" Olivia started but was cut off pretty quickly.

"I need you." Amanda blurted out. "As embarrassing as it is for me to admit, I need you Olivia. I've gotten close to you. You're probably the best friend that I've ever had and if you'll have me, I'd like to stay friends for a really long time." Now Amanda had a couple of tears making their way down her face.

Olivia let go of Amanda's hand only to put her arm around the blonde's shoulders and tightly hug her while Amanda wiped her face with her hands. "Of course. I'm sorry I thought otherwise. I've never been closer to anyone else in my life than I was with Elliot. Even then, I got burned. I trusted him with everything and he up and left me with nothing. It's just what I'm use to happening now."

"I know and I understand," Amanda said to the brunette while gently laying her head on Olivia, "but that isn't going to happen with me. AND you are not a failure at anything. You've accomplished so much in your lifetime and there is still much more you can do."

They both sat there in silence for a few moments, still in the hug, enjoying the closeness that friends should have. When Elliot would come over for movie nights at Olivia's apartment they would either end up at opposite ends of the couch, usually with Olivia's feet in his lap, or if by chance they were watching a horror movie, they would both end up in the middle cuddling under a blanket while eating popcorn. It was one of the things Olivia missed about her friendship with him. She missed the comfort and cuddling. Especially if Olivia was going through a period when she didn't have a steady boyfriend, she'd get lonely and sometimes those movie nights or late night talks were the only things holding her together.

After the moment of silence Olivia spoke, "You think I still have time?"

Amanda didn't even have to question what the older woman was talking about, "Yes, yes Olivia I do. Everyday woman in their fifties are putting a ring on it and popping out kids. Even then, there is always adoption if you want to go that route."

Amanda's head was still leaned against Olivia's shoulder so Olivia, with a few stray tears still running down her cheeks, leaned down to put her head on top of Amanda's, "I tried to go that route once… turns out I'm not parent material."

"They're wrong." Amanda quickly said.

Olivia snorted and started laughing at this. Amanda lifted her head to look at the brunette, "What's so funny? I'm serious." Olivia couldn't help but smile. "I know you are, it's just that that's the same exact thing Elliot said when I told him."

"Oh… um I-" Amanda started but the older detective cut her off. "No, it's okay. It just means that you both cared about me and that you both think I'd make a good mom. It means just as much coming from you as it did from him. Thank you, I appreciate that." Olivia said with a smile.

By now they both had stopped crying and were just sitting beside each other still on the kitchen floor. "So… I think we deserve some wine" Olivia stated while standing up from the floor, then reached out a hand to help the blonde up, "and food." Olivia finished. "I do believe I agree with that statement." Amanda replied with a small smile.