Disclaimer: I own not Jane Eyre, etc.
A moment of silence passed between Mr. Rochester and I. He seemed to be studying me intimately, "How old are you Miss Allen?" he asked, his tone frightening, but I had already decided, I would not be frightened. "Eighteen, sir" I replied in the most courageous voice that I could muster. He looked me in the eyes.
"Are you afraid of me Miss Allen?" he asked quickly.
"No sir, not at all." was my reply, he looked at me incredulously.
"Are you sure Miss Allen? There was a tremble in your voice" he continued, I shook my head.
"No, sir. I'm tired. I had a long journey." I said. It wasn't completely true, but I would not admit that he made me nervous. He chuckled, but did not reply.
"May I ask sir, when may I meet my pupil?" I asked, I had already made the assumption that she was hid daughter, and found myself grossly mistaken. I would not make it clear that I had assumed it, therefore, I referred to her as simply 'my pupil'. Mr. Rochester sighed, "In the morning." was his reply.
I was overjoyed, if I was going to meet her, it must mean that he approved of me. My enthusiasm however, I kept hidden, for my face gave no hints whatsoever. After his question, I did not expect for any continuation of conversation. I was going to ask to be excused when he began asking more questions. "What is education Miss Allen? Your qualifications?" he asked, his gaze turned to the fire.
"I was tutored by my aunt and uncle's governess, a Miss Gold. Who gave me the best education that any girl could ask for. I then was instructed by a Mrs. Nelson, in Northampton. I taught at her school for a year after I was finished, at which point I applied to be a governess." I spouted freely. I would have thought that he would have known, but did not complain when he asked.
"Your aunt and uncle's governess?" Mr. Rochester repeated, turning to face me, "And why were you tutored by this, Miss Gold?" he asked. I wondered if he knew that it was a sensitive subject, for in the momentary pause that I took to gather my thoughts, he tilted his head, "If you would be so kind" he said, mock politeness dripping from his tone.
I looked to the ground, but raised my head, I would not be pitied. "Because my parents died when I was very young. Ten years ago, to be precise." was my reply. I didn't like to speak of it, even though it had been very long ago. His eyes met mine, "Were you happy at your uncle and aunt's?" he asked, I replied that I was very content, but he would not leave it there. "Only content?" he asked.
"Yes sir, my aunt and uncle are very kind and gentle people. I regretted leaving them" I said.
"You still left" he pointed out dryly, I was beginning to get indignant.
"I did not belong there"
"How is that? Surely they did not exclude you, being such kind compassionate people that you describe"
"No, they never excluded me. They treated me like another daughter"
"Then why did you leave?"
I did not know how to explain, deciding instead to look at the fire.
"And now you are fascinated with the fire" he commented.
My eyes must have reflected the passion of the fire, for when I lifted my eyes to meet his, he smirked. "Or perhaps, you just have nothing to say. I'm surprised, for you seem like the kind of girl that will always have a comeback of some kind. " he said softly, his own eyes showing a certain amount of vulnerability, which quickly disappeared. He looked to the flames himself.
I scoffed, "Perhaps sir, some things are better left unsaid. Though it seems to me as if it is you who is now fascinated by the dancing flames. Or perhaps have nothing to say either" I said, using his words against him. He looked to me, "Indeed, for your eyes do spark and flame with irritation. Though you obviously have not swallowed your tongue" he noted. I smiled, "No sir, even though my tongue is willful, and sharp. It will not bend, not even to my will. A fault of mine I'm afraid, for sometimes it is better to simply hold one's tongue." I replied.
"Yes, I can see that for myself." he said softly, quite different from when I had entered the room. He said nothing following, and I stood to excuse myself. He looked up at me, "You never answered my question Miss Allen" he said, I did not understand what he meant. "Why did you leave your family in Northampton? And why did you go so far away?" I inhaled sharply, I had hoped that he would have forgotten. To no avail, as I could now see.
"You are running from something" he declared, I shook my head. "No, sir. For I have nothing to run from" I said. His look was skeptical, "Nothing to run from" he repeated, he folded his hands.
"Have you ever been in love Miss Allen?"
"No, sir" I said, I knew I was lying, but I reasoned that it was never love.
"Do you have any siblings?" he asked, for what goal, I did not know.
"Yes sir. Three"
"What are their names?"
I did not see a reason not to answer, though his line of questioning had thrown me off.
"Elizabeth, Anne, and George"
"Are they older or younger than yourself?"
"Elizabeth is older, and married, she lives in Scotland now. Married to a banker." I referred to her husband, Harvey McCray's profession with disdain. But if he heard the tone in my voice, Mr. Rochester did not comment.
"Anne and George are younger. By two and six years, respectively" I finished. He did not reply immediately.
"What did they think of your suitor?" he asked.
"George was rather protective, and did not trust him, quite right to be so. Though Eliza and Anne believed him to be rather amiable. I would have agreed a year ago. But now-" I stopped short, my eyes widening as I realized that he had gotten the answer to his first question. I reddened, realizing that his smug look was related to my answer "Sir!" I exclaimed, "That was unfair, you tricked me into answering your question from before" I said.
He raised a brow, "You weren't going to answer when I was asking outright, therefore, I had to be inventive. You said you weren't running, though it was obvious that you were." he declared, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
I was outraged, but would not show it. This job was too important for me to express complete irritation at my employer. I instead, just stared at him, my anger was too intense for words. I suppressed my wrath, deciding that I needed to go to bed, to think, for I did not believe that I would sleep. The question was, how do I tell him goodnight?
"You watch me very closely Miss Allen. And on any other occasion, I would assume it was because you thought I was handsome." he paused, and I readied my reply for when he was done. "However, in this situation, I would assume that it is because you have something to say, and have not quite concluded on how to say it"
"Indeed sir, though allow me to answer for both options." he watched me, and motioned for me to continue "As for the first occasion, I have this to say. Although there is a quality about you which some may call handsome, I myself do not think as others do. Alas, for I have never been a great judge of beauty, and view that every person is exactly what God intended. Therefore, we are all handsome, are we not?" I replied, but did not give him time to answer.
"As to the second, I would say only this. I am surprised at your perspicacity, and I would say that I was indeed questioning just how to excuse myself, without sounding as if I was 'running away' from the conversation" I said, preparing myself for anything he might say. I did not think of any consequences from my tone, or way of speaking. For although I was raised to be polite, it was a different thing dealing with such a man.
"You wish to be excused?" he asked, I nodded in assent. "You do not like where the conversation was leading?" I closed my eyes, he did not understand. "No sir, I am tired" I declared quietly.
Mr. Rochester stood, and I followed suit. "Goodnight then, Miss Allen. May you have pleasant dreams" he said, walking out of the room, and leaving me to myself. I looked back at the fire. I was sure that my momentary lapse of judgment, my willful and insubordinate tongue had cost me the job which I had worked so hard to attain. I would have to go back to Northampton, a failure.
This was all Charles Nelson's fault. Damn the man. I would never forgive him.
Speaking of men, I had one conclusion when it came to Mr. Rochester. He was one of the strangest man whom I had ever had met.
I did not have much time to think on this however, as Mrs. Fairfax reentered the room. I was about to ask if I could stay the night, and I would leave at dawn the next morning, when she smiled widely. "Congratulations my dear." she said, I was aghast, and said not a word. "Mr. Rochester has instructed me to take you to your room. You are to meet Miss Adele tomorrow, that is what he said" she gently took my arm, leading me out of the room.
"Mr. Rochester accepted me as a governess?" I asked, I was still incredulous. Mrs. Fairfax looked at me as if I had lost my mind, "Why of course he has! I knew when I first saw you that you would be accepted. He was quite decisive, 'Mrs. Fairfax, lead her to her room. She has earned a good night's rest'" she said, leading me up the stairs, I followed dumbly, for I could not believe that after my conversation, he would still hire me.
She opened the door at the far hall, "Here you are, my dear" she said, letting me go in. I looked around, it was beautiful. "I hope you like it, it is not the original governess' quarters, but I thought it would suit you" Mrs. Fairfax told me. I nodded, "Yes, thank you. It will do quite well" I assented, she smiled, "Goodnight dear" and she was gone.
I was soon tucked safely in bed, going over the conversation once more. I regretted some things I said, and I wished I had said others. I was worried that I would awake, and realize that it was all a dream, that I had fallen asleep downstairs, and that Mr. Rochester had fired me. But, I had decided, that if it was a dream, I was going to enjoy every last bit.
I fell asleep with one thought on my mind: Thank God that's all over. At once, I fell asleep; dreams of brides, and asylums plaguing me.