A.N: Thank you once again to my fabulous friend and beta, FaerieTales4ever and to each and every one of you for reading.
Sometimes when I wake up, I don't open my eyes. I just lie there and pretend she's beside me, and then I make up a conversation we might have had. The kind of conversation we had every morning, about who would make Henry breakfast and what time I would be home from work. With my eyes still squeezed shut, I can remember every single tiny thing about her. The contrast of her tanned skin against pure white sheets and the gentle touch of her lips on mine as she wished me a wordless good morning. If I try really hard, I can even feel the warmth of her fingers in mine. Then we're interrupted because the phone rings or I hear Henry creaking down the stairs and I don't want him to be alone.
He's angry today. When I ask if he wants eggs or pancakes he says he doesn't want either, so I ask what he does want. He yells that he doesn't want anything and that I'm useless at making pancakes anyway. He sobs that he wants Regina's pancakes but I know he doesn't care about his breakfast. He just wants Regina. So we collapse in a heap on the kitchen floor; a tangle of arms and legs and tears that feel as though they'll never stop.
Later on, when Henry is asleep on the couch, I lift Regina's silk scarf down from the coat hook and twirl it through my fingers. It's light and silky and fragile, just like the part of her that only Henry and I knew. The tender woman beneath the mask. After a few minutes I have to put it back because I'm scared the material will stop smelling of her and start smelling of me. Then I move my pile of clean clothes off the arm of the couch. Regina always hated that I put them there instead of just taking them upstairs. Henry stirs so I sit next to him with my hand resting on his leg. It's like I'm trying to transfer the shred of strength I have left, into him. I can tell it comforts him because he doesn't immediately get up and leave like he does so often now. People keep telling me that Henry should speak to Archie but he doesn't want to so I haven't made him. I wouldn't want to speak to Archie either.
After Henry goes back to his room, I sit in the warm spot he leaves on the couch and close my eyes. "I won't leave my clothes in a heap on the chair," I promise. The words come out of my mouth although I don't mean them to. I take a pen and frantically scribble on the back of an envelope that's been left on the coffee table.
1. I won't leave my clothes in a heap on the chair.
2. I will never cut you short on the phone when I'm at work.
3. I won't forget to put sugar in your coffee.
4. I'll tell you I love you every minute of every hour of every day.
My chin is quivering and I bite the top of the pen to try and stop it. The truth is, I don't even know why I'm writing this down because there are infinite things I would do if I could have Regina back for even a minute. My breath shudders and I try to retain what little control I have left but it doesn't work. Angrily, I cross out what I've already written and start again. D
1. I'd do anything.
I underline that last word. If she's watching, I want her to know I mean it.
"I've been thinking," Regina begins as she slowly but meticulously stirs her homemade tomato sauce.
"Oh?"
"Well, I was just wondering... Are you happy here?" She lays the spoon across the top of the pan and turns so the small of her back is against the counter. I make a mental note to remind her later how sexy she is in her work clothes.
"What do you mean?" I'm confused, "of course I'm happy." Regina makes a thoughtful humming sound as she turns back to the scarlet sauce and I cross the kitchen to stand next to her. "Regina, are you not happy?"
Finally she tears her eyes off the pan and meets mine. "Of course, yes. I've never been so happy in my life. I just meant that maybe we could be happy somewhere else." Her voice is shaking slightly so I take her cheeks in my palms and search her face for the real meaning behind what she's saying. Eventually she sighs and continues. "I just thought, since we're getting married, maybe we should find a new place."
My hands drop from her face in shock. "But you love this house?"
"No. I don't. It reminds me of who I was before; Regina the unfeeling, broken mayor. I want to be Regina the happy, loving wife and mother and I don't feel like I can do that here." I still don't think she realises that I would move heaven and earth to be with her.
"Regina, you're going to be my wife. We can do whatever makes you happy. I don't care if I live in a cave so long as I have you to wake up to."
She sighs deeply, as if holding in that secret was physically weighing her down. Now her perfect lips twitch into a relieved smile and she leans forward, wrapping her arms around my waist. I press my nose into the curve of her neck and breathe her in. I feel the vibration of her voice when she next speaks.
"I love you, Emma."
I smile, remembering how long it took for her to call me by that name.
"I love you too."