Perverted and Proud of it?
This is a scene from a fic I'm working on.
The setup is:
Naruto steals all the pornography in the village and uses it to build a four story papier mache volcano, which he then fuels by appropriating the entire village stock of vinegar and baking powder, along with some judiciously applied red food colouring.
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Naruto set the small folding table up in the middle of the square and positioned a deck chair behind it before leaping lightly to stand on top of it and address the gathering crowd.
"People of Konoha. I stand here among you today to say sorry. I deeply, truly and sincerely apologize for what I did."
The first few rows of the crowd were amazed to see tears gather in the corners of the passionate young mans eyes.
"I realise now that it was wrong of me to steal all of your pornography and turn it into a four story tribute to the will of fire."
There was some muttering now, mainly from the women and prudish men in the crowd - they didn't think what he had done was so bad.
"I've been thinking about it all night, and I've realised that the least I can do - the only honourable thing to do - is to make reparations. To repay you, all of you, for the losses you have taken during this regrettable event."
There was a general murmur around the perverts in the crowd now. This was beginning to sound pretty good. Obviously money wouldn't solve all the problems, but it would help make things right again. This Naruto kid was alright - if he stuck to his word that was.
"Obviously I cannot hope to match the sentimental value of the items I stole and destroyed, but I hope you will all accept my reimbursement of their monetary value as at least some small measure of my sincerity... However this does raise some problems."
The murmur rose to a gentle roar; was the kid trying to weasel out of his deal.
"I cannot possible hope to remember by name or face all the people I now owe reimbursement to, meaning I would have no way of identifying those taking advantage of my apology to scam a little money for themselves. Thus I feel it is only fair that you come to me with both proof of identity and proof of purchase of the items you claim repayment for."
The roar grew louder. Did this brat expect them to have kept the receipts for pornography that had been bought, in some cases, years ago? What if they had already disposed of such things? This was clearly just his way of avoiding paying them.
"People of Konoha, don't worry. Even if you have lost or disposed of the evidence I require, getting more should be no problem. It is my understanding that all merchants and businessmen in Konoha are required by law to keep meticulous records of all customer transactions. All you should have to do is identify yourselves to them and they will give you a copy of the invoice for your purchase. Then you can bring that to me and be reimbursed. See, no problem" He chuckled gently.
The roar grew again, but it was more cheerful this time. The perverts had a way to regain all they money, and were happy.
The sounds coming from the women were, in general, considerably less cheerful.
Naruto's easy smile passed over them all in turn, prudes and women and perverts alike. Only a few people could have recognised the ever so slightly sinister turn to his lip, and the glint in his eyes. He flopped backwards into the chair he had set up before, kicking his feet up to rest on the table and leaning back, shading his eyes from the morning sun streaming into the most public area of Konoha. His eyes flicked over the perverts again and his grin widened further.
"I'll be here all day."
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So the perverts can't get their money back without being exposed as perverts. The women are all secretly (and not so secretly) supportive of his actions, and thanks to his apparent generosity, Naruto still comes out of this smelling, if not like roses, then at least like something by another name that smells as sweet.