Ok, finally back to this writing thing! Just had this fic beta'd by the lovely LateNiteSlacker, whose fics are totally amazing. You should definitely check 'em out!

Dislaimer: Across the internet's vales and fields,
A storyteller roams,
But still she cannot make a claim
Upon the Stuck of Home.

TT: Well, that plan just went to shit.
TG: totes shitty
TG: worse than a stables worth of horses kind of shit
TG: goddamn
TG: cleaning the shit out of those stables is a herculean task
GG: Well, I can't say that I'm surprised.
TT: What do you mean by that? Our plan was foolproof.
TT: We got Dirk sufficiently dirty enough to take a shower, we trapped Jake in the bathroom with him, we told them to do some soul-searching with each other, and we waited.
TT: As added pressure, Dirk was mostly naked. I still have no fucking clue how English resisted that hot bod.
TG: and it totes worked in wizard fanfiction
TG: and wizards have spells to get out of locked spaces and stuff
GG: Well, therein lies the problem.
GG: We grossly underestimated their ability to talk to each other about anything and everything.
GG: I mean, if you really think about it, Strider and Jake are alone together all the time. Surely they have more things to speak about than the possibility of love between them.
GG: Also, bathrooms aren't romantic.
TT: Bathrooms aren't romantic?
GG: Of course not!
TT: There's no way bathrooms aren't romantic.
TT: Bathrooms have showers in them.
TT: Shower sex accounts for 21% of all on-film coitus.
TG: and holding back someones hair as they puke is romantic as fuck
GG: Well, perhaps there is some subtle romance in the bathroom, but can you honestly imagine Jake picking up on a thing like that?
GG: And, of course, Dirk is good enough at reading the mood of a scene to determine when romance is an impossibility.
GG: At least, I hope he is.
GG: The point in question is that Jake and Dirk will probably require something a lot less subtle. They need something that's straight out of the romantic climax of a film.
TG: oh so like that one scene in the little mermaid
TG: u kno
TG: the one where they go on the boat ride thats as romantic as fuck and a lakeful of aquatic wildlife sing in an attempt to make the guy KISS THE GIRL FOR CRYIN OUT LOUD
TG: like holy shit
TG: i dont know if the guy thought he was hallucinating voices or whatevs but it sure did work
TG: at least until the boat tipped over
TT: Okay.
TT: I can work with that.
TT: The internet says that there's a little boat rental place about ten miles from here.
TT: I'm sending you the directions as we speak.
TT: It's pretty secluded, and according to the reviews I'm reading for this place, the surroundings are something like what we're looking for.
TT: Have a sample of review titles: "Best Date of Our Lives," "Bring Lots of Bug Spray," "Finally Got Laid." Romantic enough for you, Crocker?
GG: Quite.
TT: All right. Clear your plans for next weekend.
TT: This mission starts now.

Lil Hal made sure that none of the things that had made the last plan a disaster were in place this time. He'd had Jane and Roxy go to the lake on Saturday and plant a radio, a large battery, and several speakers through which Hal could wire romantic music so there would be no mistaking the romantic atmosphere. The playlist came straight out of the most popular romantic films. They would be surrounded by the beautiful, overhanging trees in the comfortable weather of early June. Jane and Roxy would pack plenty of extra bug spray. It would be romantic as fuck. And, most importantly, Hal planned to actually be on Dirk's face, giving him directions, this time around.

So, late Sunday afternoon, Jane and Roxy managed to persuade the boys to come out with them to the lake. Hal was perched proudly atop Dirk's nose, and they were all sufficiently sprayed with bug spray.

"I still don't see what the big deal about this place is," Dirk looked around. "Looks like your average, run-of-the-mill lake to me."

"Now, Strider, don't be like that!" Jake laughed, swinging an arm around his best bro's shoulder. "I'm sure there are plenty of places to explore on a lake this large!"

Dirk looked into the clear water of the lake, "You know that this place is technically a reservoir, right? As in, we drink the water from this lake. How exciting can it possibly be?"

"I think you'll be pleasantly surprised," Jane remarked as they approached the boat rental stand. "Aren't the trees beautiful at this time of year?"

"Totes gorgeous," Roxy agreed. She approached the rental kiosk, "Two rowboats, please."

"Wait," interjected Dirk. "According to the sign, rowboats can hold four people. It would be a lot more efficient to just take one."

Jane frowned. This wouldn't do; there was no way Dirk and Jake would confess to each other if they weren't alone together!

"Um, did you say rowboats, Roxy?" Jane laughed nervously. She looked to the sign for help. What boats only held two people? "I think you meant paddle boats!"

"Uh, yeah, totally!" Roxy quickly nodded. "Obviously the best way to see this lake is with paddle boats!"

Dirk raised an eyebrow at her, but didn't question it. Jake beamed agreeably.

"Well, I daresay it doesn't matter to me one whit what boat we take, so whatever makes you ladies happy is fine with me," English smiled. Jane could have hugged him for being so compliant.

"All right," Dirk shrugged. "We'll take two paddle boats, then."

The guy behind the counter gave them a bizarre look, but didn't say anything against it. Business was business, after all. He said, "Step right this way. We'll get y'all suited up in some life vests and into a couple of paddle boats."

They got into the floatation devices and Jane and Roxy quickly snagged a paddle boat together, leaving the other one for Dirk and Jake.

"You guys should start going to the left," Roxy called at them. "We'll cover more ground that way!"

Dirk raised his eyebrow, "Really? It's a lake."

As the boat parted from the dock, Jane answered, "It's a really, really big lake!"

And then they were off, heading in the direction opposite of where they'd planted all the speakers yesterday.

Jake chuckled as they began to pedal their own boat, "The girls are right, you know. Who knows what adventures lie in the territory unexplored? Certainly, we couldn't cover this entire lake as one group, and this way, we'll be able to tell each other about what we found on our escapade."

"It's a reservoir, Jake," Dirk shook his head, but steered to boat to the left anyways. "The entire lake is practically man made."

"Well, men have made great things," Jake replied as he increased the rate of his pedaling. "Take the pyramids, for example!"

Dirk turned his head to look at Jake, the smile he wore especially for him splayed across his face, "So you think this lake is as exploration-worthy as the pyramids?"

"Well, maybe not quite so adventurous," Jake admitted. "But worth having an expedition regardless!"

"All right," said Dirk. "Let's explore the shit out of this lake."

Pedaling on the lake for a little while, they casually commented to each other about the varieties of trees that happened to surround the reservoir, or the fish that swam in the water, or their thoughts on the random day-tripper who happened to be fishing on the lake. Hal sat with his nose pads on the edge of his seat (Dirk's nose). They were steadily approaching the narrower portion of the lake, where Jane and Roxy had planted Hal's radio.

They entered the point of audibility, and Dirk's statement about the environmental impact of the dam on the surrounding area was suddenly drowned out by Celine Dion's trembling vibrato, "EEEEEEEEVERY NIGHT IN MYYYY DREAAAAMS, I SEE YOU, I FEEEEEEEEEEL YOU…"

Jake suddenly jumped, quite surprised by the volume of the music. Hal turned it down. Perhaps he had underestimated their hearing abilities.

"I wasn't aware that this lake was so… musical," Jake frowned. "What's wrong with the sounds of good ol' nature?"

"Probably, they've been paid to assist in some couple's cliché romantic moment," Dirk hypothesized. He pointed to where the sun was beginning to dip behind the trees ever-so-perfectly, casting the loveliest mixture of honeyed light and gentle shadow over the duo, "Check it out. The sun's setting over a pair of lovers kissing like some scene straight out of the goddamn movies. Could've ripped it directly from Before Sunset. Watch out, bro, Richard Linklater's secretly filming this shit. We could be doing some serious photobombing here."

Jake laughed, "But, Dirk… nobody's here. It's just us."

"Maybe they're practicing for someone coming here tomorrow," Dirk shrugged and kept paddling, not wanting to acknowledge the music more than he had to.

TT: Or maybe you are the couple.
TT: It's you.

Dirk snorted.

"What's so funny?" Jake asked over a background of Celine Dion's passionate declarations, "NEEEEAR, FAAAAAR, WHEREVER YOU ARE…"

"Hal being stupid," Dirk flicked his shades off his face, despite the fact that the sun was shining in his eyes and he actually had a reason to be wearing shades. He hung the specs on his shirt, "He seems to believe we are the couple in question."

"Hahaha, that's the AR, all right," Jake chortled, pedaling faster. "Come on, Strider, I think I see a way out of this lake just up ahead. Let's see if we can't get up that river!"

"What happened to exploring this lake?" Dirk teased. "Are you sick of it already?"

"Oh, shut up, Strider, you know what I meant," Jake playfully shoved Dirk in the shoulder.

"I don't know what you're talking about. Did I know what you meant?" Dirk jokingly shoved Jake back.

"Yes, you bloody well did!" Jake smiled, jostling Dirk a little harder.

"Nope. I've got no idea what you're trying to convey," Dirk laughed, pointedly steering the boat away from the outlet.

"Oh, shut up!" Jake pushed him again. By this point, Dirk was laughing so hard that he was significantly off-balance, and Jake apparently didn't know his own strength. The Strider was taken off guard by the fact he was suddenly tumbling out of the boat and into the water.

Jake, for his part, looked completely stunned for a moment. Then, he burst out laughing. Dirk's disgruntled head popped out of the water. (Hal was, incidentally, extremely glad that the shades he lived in could float.)

"Oh no you don't," Dirk growled playfully. He swam over to Jake's side of the boat and pulled English in after him.

From where he was floating in the water, Hal beeped in distress. What were they doing? Jake could lose his glasses falling in the water like that! It was like he was unaware that glasses had feelings, too, and when you lost them, other glasses might get upset. Oh, and he guessed he was pretty put off by the fact his romantic playlist was going to waste.

Jake's head came up out of the water, his glasses fortunately still perched on his face. He fumbled to drop them on the boat for safekeeping (being blind was, in his opinion, extremely unfavorable) and began splashing Dirk, "Tweedshitting twain, Dirk, I'll get you for that!"

They proceeded to have an epic water fight, trying to splash each other as much as possible. Their clothes became even more heavily waterlogged, and one of the patrolling motorized boats from the rental place came by to rescue them from each other within fifteen minutes. Had Hal been capable of breathing, he would have sighed exasperatedly. It seemed it was another failed plan.

TT: All right, ladies.
TT: It's back to the drawing board.