Ah, sorry for the wait. I can't believe how long this took and it's so short too! I've been so overwhelmed with homework and other stories that I lost my muse for this. Got it back now so hopefull the next chapter won't take as long as this did.

Crimson Tears and Slit Wrists

ch.4

If You Really Trully Love Me, Let Me Go

Days passed by as the seasons do yearly, brining new becomings and endings at every twist and turn. During those times Izuru Kira spent every waking moment with his beloved crush, terrifing taichou, unresistable desire, Ichimaru Gin. He stayed at his home whenever they felt like doing nothing or if he didn't want to be around people. Sometimes they'd walk freely around the Seritei, never a real destination in mind. Gin gave him nice meals without complaining what was served. Work was forgotten completely and left for someone else capable of doing them. And then when night came, he slept in the same bed as the fox. This was only because he couldn't be left alone and he told himself this ever time. However, secretly he liked to even if that was the underlying reason. Whitelinings can be enjoyed, can't they?

Nothing seemed as if things had changed when they had so drastically. Why did it feel like this was how it was supposed to be? This unreal normality was only ever disturbed when his watcher would say things like, "I was worried about ya, ya know" or "Please, don' ever scary meh like that again." When such words were spoken it hit hard and guilt sprung like a stubborn weed. Then there were those other words... when they were alone together. Gin had admitted if that's what you should say about caring for the boy. Things along the lines of affection. That he felt the deepest despair standing helplessly as medics rushed to keep him alive. That he couldn't bear to go through that again. That he was the one he cherishes the most. Those dearest moments were the best for Kira, when he thought he felt... happy.

Gin kept a close eye on him just as Captain Unohana had advised him to. He did whatever he could to help the one he held close to his heart. Izuru wished he was able to show how much all of this meant to him. But his voice he did not trust. His emotions he would not allow to break free as they had before. He himself was not allowed to be free. If so much as a hint of his feelings for that man were to come to the surface.... Well whatever he would've promised to do never came into play. For Gin was a perceptive man, and finally forced the anwsers out of him. It had happen one night at Gin's home. He had tried to get Izuru to tell him why he had done what he had done. He had avoided the topic for far too long and would not except silence any more.

"Why?! Why, damnit?!" He burst out, pinning the blonde up against the wall as he had done on that fateful day. "Why? Why everything? Why not tell anyone, tell meh?! How could ya jus' do i' without thinkn'? I don' understand none of i'." He went down to his knees, brining Izuru down with him. His bangs hid his eyes, his grip loose on those slender arms, his body shaking, his voice breaking. He was practically near histarics as he begun to talk again. "Izuru, tell meh. If anythin', jus' give me one simple ansa." Kira was beyond shocked by this. The man before him.... this was not Ichimaru. This man held saddening anger and confusion in his eyes. This man seemed helpless, like there wasn't one single thing in this world he could do. This man was breaking. Ichimaru Gin was strong. He held emotions in tack no matter what. He could do anything even if it was impossible. This man may look and sounded like him, but he was not the taichou Izuru knew.

"Ta-Tai.... Taichou... I"

Gin looks up expectantly. This was the first in when he couldn't remember that his fukutaichou had spoken.

"I'm... I'm sorry."

"No, Izuru. Don' be sorry. There isn't anythin' for ya to be sorry fer. I should be sayin' that. I couldn' sheild ya from harm, not even from the harm ya did ta ya self. I won' make the same mistake again, Izuru."

'No, this isn't your fault, Captain. The blame goes fully to me. It is because of my weakness.... my impure feelings.... my love for you that caused all of this trouble.'

"I should've looked out fer ya wellfare like I'm supposed ta."

'I should've been stronger. I should've been tossed out with the trash long ago. I shouldn't be your fukutaichou.'

"I just didn' know how much pain ya were in. But I try to do what I can to help ya, Izuru. To make up for not seein' befo'. "

What had started out as a desperate session for confession, turned into heart-filled promises to change. None of these processed in the mind of the blonde emo. Regret as strong as the hatered towards a friend's killer can not be put at ease so easily. If only Gin knew this then he wouldn't had left Kira alone in bed to see Unohana for an important meeting. He thought the boy was fast asleep, that he wasn't going to wake up any time soon, that everything would be the same when he returned. How wrong we are when things are calm for an unsual anount of time. Izuru was not asleep. Dark thoughts had been running rapid through his mind the entire day. Now reason and these thoughts collide together to create a mixture of chaos.

I look alive, but I'm dead inside. Why must I continue this?

I can't let Taichou down.

My hear is filled with holes. Not even he can fix that.

He wants to help so badly. He seems to truly care for me.

No, he doesn't understand. He can't ever love me. I can't even feel such a feeling anymore.

I can love. It's burning away into a fierce flame.

It's hard to face the world all the same. Love is just like a pain pill, numbing the misery only teomporarly.

Without knowledge of doing so, Izuru was out of the bed and heading to where he knew Gin had placed his sword. His mind was nothing more than whispers in his ears. His feel acted upon their own will. Time came in flashes. He held his weapon of choice.... The blade is as cold as ever.... Heart beating growing ever more louder.... Breathing rough and forced.... Trembling.....

Everything may seem great and everyone true, but its fake. The world, the justice, the people.

No, that's not the way it is. Everyone is worried.

No one know how I feel or the darkness that consumes me to no end.

With one strong thrust, he stabs his own sword into his stomache. The blade slices through his skin like butter as he cuts open his adbomine, joyful for the intense agony it brings. ' My blood is crimsom.... I wonder why it's not black like the scum in sewers? That would be much more suiting.' His vision blurs into the darkness he knew so well as he drops his sword and falls to the floor. A pool of blood surrounds him, his insides threatening to spill every where. The night was silent as if in respect to a death, but such a silence only meant tragedy. None could've possibly know what was happening behinde closed doors. Then again, no one ever does until it rises to the surface to be shot down by society.

"Goodbye.... Ichimaru..."