First of all, I really need to thank all your nice words in the reviews. Every word read like honey to me. I love you guys~!
And I'm very sorry for updating so late... the new year thing is kinda sucking my dry, seriously. But, anyway, here we go.
Warning: contains violence, dark scenes... Hope you're ok with it.
Chapter 4
-Bedroom-
-Afternoon-
With the bedroom door closing, "Feel better?" George Huang observed Olivia, recalling Alex's words. I think she can see things now, in some level. "Something don't want share with her?"
I've been sharing with too much shit with her you have no idea. "It just… put pressure on me." Olivia leaned forward, hand slowly reaching out, cautiously searching for her mug on the desk. As it held in her both hands, her thumbs expertly moved up to feel where was rim, before she finally took a sip of the cool liquid.
No way she was faking it. The FBI psychiatrist was a bit surprised and hurt to notice how well she was adjusting. "I'm sorry for coming over this late."
"Don't. I know difficulties of the procedure, anyway. I really need to talk to you, George." Her tone sounded heavy.
"How are you doing lately?"
She took a hell of long breath, setting down the cup. "Not good. Awkward." A bitter smile came up with her head shaking. "The whole living-with-my-beloved-but-foreign-*girlfriend* thing… couldn't be more Goddamn strange. I don't know where is the lone, what I supposed to do or not do. You know? To prevent hurting her feelings and embarrassing myself… And even worse, she's pretty much trapped in the same place. Yeah, trapped. Some place."
Good start. Though he was aware that no way could be the first thing on Olivia's need-to-talk-list. "I see. For her, the intimacy is normal and comfortable, but not for you. Try this: what do you think If one day you find back the right feelings back, becoming a real girlfriend of hers. How does that make you feel?"
Slowly, the corner of her mouth rose a bit, but that smile turned into frown fast. "Yeah, sounds too good to be ture, only if I was still the same woman she used to know."She felt stupid now. Good. You always are not good at starting conversation with a shrink. "Let's...not talk about this. I-... I'm so desperate to see you, is because something is not right with me."
Here we go. "I'm listening."
"It started the first night I got back, she must have told you. I…" What she saw in the mirror lit up in her mind, and quickened her heartbeat immediately. "I saw, things."
"You mean..."
"My eyes, somehow worked again, though it was just for a while."
He nodded, and added a yes right away, knowing she didn't need body languages. "What did you see?"
"It was blurry, and dark, but...I saw my body."
He wondered how it made her feel. Though he decidied not to go straight there yet. "You recalled something?"
"Some, some things… I remembered came home from work, putting something on the counter, heard something. It was like a mattress groan or so, from my bedroom. I thought it was Alex, but…"
…
…
But her instinct didn't feel that way.
"Hello…?" She half teasing, came to the bedroom.
If it wasn't for her face being pointed by a gun, in her own house, Olivia Benson never would have believed that terror could literally paralyze her. And more than that, for some frustrated seconds, even her ears didn't work. All she knew was the man, Willian Lewis, aka "the beast", was saying something with his famous smirk hanging on the corner of his mouth, while she just couldn't comprehend any of these words.
"…Here we go. That's the look I love to see on your face. Pretty."
As her mind worked again, Olivia grabbed back what he just said, which waswelcome home, detective.She swallowed drily. "How did you get in? What do you want?"
"You tell me, detective?" He lowered the gun, slowly sliding it along her chin.
Thousand crime scene photos of the beast's case flooded in her mind, with her captain's command echoing background like a curse:go home, stay there two days. Bad feelings started to freeze her gut.
"You're crazy, Lewis. You invaded a NYPD detective's house in the early weekend night, and my partner's going to be here at any minute."
"'Partner', huh? You mean the cute little Latino, or the tough cowboy on that old picture with you, or… the blond cunt?"
Her anger raised as much as fear.
"So you've fucked every one of them?" He grinned widely. "I caught you, didn't I? Wow, such a colorful life. Detective Saint."
Cheap vodka in his breath, making her lean back with all her guard up. No way this beast could be reasonable with alcohol running in his veins. The last thing she needed here, was to get physical… "Lewis, listen to me." She said as calmly as she could. "This place is not safe. I just come back here changing clothes before hang out with my colleagues. If I don't show up in 15 minutes, they're gonna come over to pick me up."
"Shut up!" Without a warning, Lewis thrust the gun hard under her chin, pushing her to the sidewall.
It happened too fast. Before she reacted, the back of her head had hit hard on the wall, while his iron grip was already around her throat. "I'm gonna kill whoever knocks that door tonight and make you watch. You hear me? I am the one in charge of this game, not you!"
"Ok… K… i get it now. Just, let me go. I can't breath-"
"That's your way asking for a mouth to mouth?"
"No-" Olivia didn't even get the chance to turn away, before his mouth covered hers. He sucked hard, licked roughly, with apinchers-like handtightening the grip on her neck.
As nausea and dizziness overwhelming, fear did its best job to activate all her trained muscle . The next thing she knew, was the beast rolling on the floor, both hands holding on his crotch.
"You BITCH!"
…
…
"It was William Lewis. He pointed a gun at me, and grabbed me."
George shifted forward. It was the first time she said that name like she really knew him. "Anything after that?"
"He … he overpowered me."
…
…
"C'mon, you're better than this. Don't disappoint me. Get up!"
Her chest was burning in pain, rage and humiliation. But with her wrists cuffed behind, and one ankle twisted, getting back on feet felt almost impossible.
"HELP! SOMEBODY Hel-"
He shut her up with another kick in the stomach. "Told you it's not screaming time yet. You want me to tape your mouth? No? Fine, how about this?"
Before she recovered from the killing pain on her ribs, her neck had been caught in his grip.
He pinned her down on the ground, grinning widely in her death choking struggle. "Get up, detective. Hurry! C'mon… What the hell are you waiting for, huh? Ain't you a badass cop? Show me your power!"
As the darkness and stars finally fading, Olivia became more aware of how impossible it was for her to win this physical battle.
"Gave up already? C'mon, get the fuck up!"
… can't…
When her throat was free to breath, the only sound she could make out now, was only coughing and gasping.
Lewis grunted at her curled up body on the floor, "really?" raised up, stripping his shirt and tossing it. "I just warmed up. You know? Don't be such a killjoy." He got back closer, gently putting a foot on Olivia's side neck, pressing a little bit down. "What do you think will happen if I just lean forward and step on-"
"No! Don't…"
"Wait, is that terror in your eyes?"
"What you... w-wan...t from me?"
"Well, well, well. Look who's finally in the game." Off her, Lewis pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one. "But aren't you a detective? You tell me."
"I know you want to revenge. You want to do the same thing you did to Alice to me. But then what? It's Friday night, Lewis. Think about it. Anyone could show up-"
"Listen up." He shut her up with a spit. "First of all, you hurt my feelings, honey. You think William Lewis is such an untalented, boring guy. But I assure you. You'll see how creative I truly am and how special you are to me. Second. No more threat. No more being a smart bitch. You got it?" Without a warning, he stubbed the cigarette butt out into her neck...
…
…
"He told me what he wanted." She whispered.
"What was that?"
Her face paled. "He wanted to prove that I'm no better than him."
"What happened next?"
She shook her head, setting the cup down. "What's all. It flashed back… at the time I blacked out, in the bathroom."
"I'm sorry for what happened."
She shook head, rubbing on her sore eyes. "So, he kidnapped me. I'm pretty sure about that. He did... whatever his sick brain wanted to me. And I ended up here... I really killed him, didn't I? Guess the more I remember the less I feel guilty about it. Though I never win the battle, I know, cuz he killed me too. I'm dead, I'm fucked, George. I-I probably going crazy. I mean, crazy-crazy."
"What makes you say that?"
"I hear things..."
Huang felt his breath held. "What kind of things?"
"I'm not sure... Like... God I swear it's either my ears fucked up too or-" She still couldn't believe she was actually talking this with him. C'mon, Benson. Once you say it out loud, it becomes real... Or not. "Whispers." No surprise, she already regreted.
And she was having this conversation with the man, about how it sounded like, how often, when, where, what... Until all the outside of her looked convinced that it could be anything or nothing or the pain killer... while the entire inside hadn't been doing nothing but debate : it is ghosts or schizophrenia?
Before her tongue was too shaky to go on. "George," she cut him off as less rude as she could, "I'm sorry but, um, I really need to ask something... She said I sleep-walked, which I have no idea. And I... I can tell that must be something she's been holding back. I tried to...but- Anyway. What else did I do, or say? I know you two have been in touch. So, tell me, please."
He understood what she meant.
...
"Alex, I think maybe you should let her know."
"I can't."
...
"Okay, so... When you came to, you did something… unusual."
That got all her attention.
"You called her 'sunshine', and you, kissed her, in a little dominating way." He chose the word.
For a long while, Olivia froze like a statue, before a sickening heave hit her gut. "I-... what? No, I…I didn't…I-I" Sunshine, my sunshine… "No, you gotta be fucking kidding." Her face reddened in a dry heave, "Why I- … What the fuck are you talking about?"
"You ok?"
Her eye closed. No, I'm not. she wanted to break something, or yell, but only lost words when her chin starting to tremble. "He called me that."
"Who?"
"The Goddamn mother fucker... So wh-what, why?"
"Liv, psychological traumas can do this to people."
Her tone hardened. "D-Did I hurt her?"
He decided not to tell the split on Alex's lowerlip. "No, she's alright."
"What else? Tell me."
"When you were sleepwalking," he watched her closely, "you murmured something. Something about… A cat."
Cat?
…
"Just a bunch of meat! DO IT! DO IT NOW!"
Blood… hot, sticky blood was all over her hands…
…
"Liv," Huang put a hand on Olivia's elbow, noticing her face turned green.
"I-I…" All of a sudden, the blood smell hit her as violent as an ocean wave. She couldn't breath now. The entire room felt like filling with blood, warm, blood...
Before Huang got a chance to reach the trashcan, she had jerked up with hands flying to the mouth.
Fortunately, he helped her made it to the bathroom before she threw up.
She couldn't do anything except kneeling over the toilet, retching and coughing, despite how the awful pain tearing her ribs and collarbones. If is wasn't for being held by Huang, she would have definitely fallen down to the ground.
When it finally ended, cold sweat had streamed down her forehead.
George Huang helped her up and back to the bed, feeling his own eyes watered witnessing the Olivia he had been known for 14 years now was even too beat to have a deserved cry. "Olivia, you haven't eaten."
Eyes closing, she responded with a weak nod.
"Okay, okay,… It's over now. You're safe… let it go." He tried very hard to remain professional, while gently put a tissue into her hand. "We're done today. No more talking… You need to get some rest. Let me get you some water."
"I," she whispered, eyeing blankly at his direction. "I stabbed a cat, with… a flick-knife. I killed it… I saw… I saw its death kicking. In my bloody hands… The smell…" finally, her tears poured down that ashy pale face. "He made me." Her hunched body trembled as if in a feverish cold. "H-He forced me. How could I? I-I NEVER would have let that motherfucker manipulate me to do… Why? Why I gave in?"
"Liv…"
But she wasn't here. "Dammit, I just can't. So stupid! …I can't… I can't…"
She kept muttering, while he wondered it meant she couldn't remember or couldn't take it anymore. "Olivia, stop it. Liv, stop. Listen to me, please… Hey, I'm here… Please, listen to me…" He gently rubbed on her upper arms with thumbs, waiting for her to calm down.
Eventually, her face turned a bit, as if reaching for his voice with an ear, still panting.
Huang breathed out a relief, to welcome the typical body language when a blind paying attention. "You had some flashback attack, and it's over now. I do not want you to hold it. Let it go. You hear me?" He continued after her head nodded. "…which means your brain is getting ready to release some sealed memories. So, I believe that from now on, all the flashbacks are gonna keep coming back. I'm sorry… So, you gotta learn to deal with it."
She awkwardly leaned forward a bit, hand pressing on the side ribs. "George… Am I-… going crazy?" As she finishing, her tears dropped down as well.
That broke Huang's heart. "No, Olivia, you're not."
"Be honest with me, please. I've seen this. Sometimes people just too damaged to heal. Behavior problems, psychological disorders, psychosis…"
"Doctor Benson, you need to stop being paranoid. PTSD hurts. You know it. But still, it's way too far from what you worry about."
"You don't know…" Instead of saying something, she sank into a quiet head shaking.
"I probably could only feel one-tenth of what you've been through, but you've gotta believe that even the worst mental condition has its first stage, let alone we're intervening in the first place."
"My mom had schizo."
With that, dead silence froze the air.
Now, George Huang understood what that you don't know really meant, which sent a shiver down his spine.
"It could be hereditary, right? What if- I mean, I've never sleepwalked before, never…"
"Calm down, Liv."
"But I feel, I feel something must be so wrong. George… I'm afraid."
"Hey…We always got your back. Don't be afraid to be afraid." Gently, he pulled her closer and held as tight as her injured body allowed. "How's your sleep? Nightmare?"
She noded. "It started."
"What it is about?"
"Images, feelings, voices…but most of them didn't make any sense, and I lost them as soon as I opened eyes." God, the fucking headache starts again.
"But you do remember the things you just told me."
"The dreams basically left me nothing but shit feelings, so one night I got up… bare feet, stayed in silence, breathed the air, touched things…"
"It worked."
"Things just surfaced bit by bit, kinda like you suddenly recalled where was your long lost ring or something."
"How does it make you feel?"
Good question… That brought Olivia to another long silence. "Glad, and terrified." She said in calm, though quickly, her voice choked with emotion. "I need, I want to know what the hell happened to me, and…Elliot. But part of me just…doubt if I could take it."
"You're strong, Olivia. Don't forget that. You've helped a lot victims and survived the worse part …"
He kept saying, but the first sentence had already jabbed her chest hard. It took her a hell of good patience and self-control to not to shut him up with a hiss. This you're-strong-kind of lecture sounded like nothing but a sour mocking to her now. "George, stop. Sorry. But I want to know, what the hell he got on my back."
This time, he was the one froze in silence.
"The moment when my eyes got brief vision that night, I tried, but couldn't see it clearly. What is that? I've never seen a tattoo like this, this color. It's… red? A pattern or something?… Or a word?…" hesitation she felt from Huang, burnt her chest. "George!"
"Liv," since she must have seen some part already… "It's…" Huang couldn't help but feel his eyes welling up.
Her teeth gritted. "Tell, me, please! I don't want to hear it from Alex."
Huang rose to his feet, turning away from those dark eyes, even they weren't able to see. "Ok. But before that, I just want you to know, it's completely removable when the wounds fully healed."
"Yeah, I know. Just a God damn tattoo. So…"
"It's not a tattoo, technically." He forced a breath. She deserves to know. "It's… burnt and…carved."
What?… burnt and…carved...
Burnt and carved. Burnt and carved. Burnt and carved. Burnt and carved.
Slowly, her hand moved, reaching as far as it could to touch her back. When it couldn't get any closer, she gripped shakily hard on the side of her sweater. "H-How…?"
Out of the corner of his eye, Olivia's death grasped white knuckles shone some suffocating light. Turning further away, he heard his little remained calmness. "The doctor said, it seems seared by high temperature flame, and… some skin removed after that, by… sharp instrument."
Flame...What flame?! Sharp instr- Her ears started ringing. "What's the pattern?"
Am I really gonna put these bloody cruelness on her? "A…hand."
"A...h-hand...? His hand... So, his hand's on my-" The whisper was so low and hoarse that didn't sound like her.
That was when the entire world shut down by freezing quietness.
Facing the afternoon sunlight coming from the window, George Huang eventually managed dry his eyes without making a sound, and then forced down the stubborn lump in the throat. He kinda expected her sob, anger, question… while for a long moment, he just didn't feel exist.
Meanwhile, with her head nodded unconsciously, the only feeling Olivia got, was bone-biting cold and numbness, as if millions of invisible needles were pricking her at the same time both inside and out, while her brain was just ironically hollow. No flashbacks, no trace of any of these memories, no nothing.
So, this was her long-expected and terrified revealing of the mystery. She used to imagine all kinds of possibilities of what it could be, but none of them as ugly as what she just heard.
"Liv,"
As his cautiously touch on her shoulder, she heard him.
"Olivia?"
And it was for the first time in her life, this name sickened her.
How could people still call me that after seeing- Wait. How many of them have seen, really? They all saw it, saw all of the Goddamn disgusting shit and still pretend nothing is unusual, while hiding their sick look- Oh, right, why they bother?
That was when his staring felt acid showering on her skin.
Within a second, all these pain, rage and urge of punching something accumulated in her body, exploded.
"Shut up and get the fuck out of here."
( TBC )