Tohru: I should like to apologize on part of the author for any offended parties... political or otherwise.
Shigure: Yeah... We love everybody, but the jokes are just too easy!
STARTING CREDITS
*Instead of Prince Yuki, enter Kyo Sohma, the Evil Daimyo of Fruittygore. Shrieks of terror; black fumes; evil music*
The Chorus exclaimed in unison:
"It's the evil Daimyo of Fruittygore!"
Tohru said:
"Kyo is the evil Daimyo of Fruittygore?"
But then she was reminded that she didn't know Kyo yet.
And then, Kyo sung:
*EVIL orchestral intrata*
Oh why am I moody and sad?
And why am I guiltily mad?
Why, because I am thoroughly bad!
You'll see it at once in my face!
Oh, are my manners so coarse
It's the rage of the cat-boy of course
No-one could resist the monster's force
At least I did not in my case
*Chords; chorus, terrified, agrees, and Kyo goes on*
Oh innocence happy though poor
If had been loved, I am sure
I should be as good-hearted as you're
And I'd speak with "please" and "if I may"
Oh, unpleasantness is a disease
Brought about by being hated with ease
As well as family tragedies
And now… if you please, go away
*Kyo takes a dramatic pose; the chorus flees in utter terror. He is alone with Tohru.*
Tohru then walked up, curiously, to Kyo.
"Now, if I understood well…" she said "You're the Evil Daimyo of Fruittygore?"
"That's the idea, yes…" said Kyo "I own this evil forest."
"That explains quite a few things..." said Tohru.
Tohru felt a tad uncomfortable; but for all his buildup, the Evil Daimyo didn't seem quite so bad; and so she went on.
"Are you… quite evil?" Tohru ventured to ask.
"Me?" asked Kyo "Are you kidding? Of course, I'm evil! I steal candy from babies, I kick little puppies, I disobey government regulations on the size of my pool… Why, I even joined the College Republicans last year! I believe I'm very evil!"
*Dramatic chords*
"There's college Republicans in Feudal Japan?" enquired Tohru. "I didn't even know there were colleges in Feudal Japan…"
"Well…" said Kyo "Maybe I haven't literally joined them; but if they existed I would!"
"Well, still…" said Tohru "You seem like a perfectly decent person; except for the Republican part… But even they're only evil if you read the New York Times."
"Heh…" said Kyo proudly "I'm a shareholder of the New York Times!"
*Dramatic chords*
"Oh my God," said Tohru "You're the devil himself!"
"Actually, no," said Kyo "I'm possessed by a Spirit that makes me commit a crime a day!"
"Is it the devil?"
"No, it's the spirit of the Cat," said Kyo "His third cousin twice removed. Would you like me to turn into him?"
"I'd rather you didn't…" said Tohru.
Then, there was an awkward pause.
"You know…" said Tohru "I still don't believe you're that evil…"
"Didn't you hear my introductory song?"
"I did… But what it basically said was that you acted evil from a lack of love!"
Kyo moved away.
"Lack of love? Yeah, right… I'm a stereotypical villain, I'm evil just because… Besides, my angst factor contractually obligates me to reject your rationalisations."
"Oh, but come!" said Tohru "Surely, there must still be some good in you!"
"None whatever!"
"Are you sure?"
Here, Tohru touched his arm. And then, timid music began to play; maybe the Evil Daimyo of Fruittygore wasn't so evil after all…
But just as they were about to sing a duet, Mad Kagura popped in!
"Kyo!" she exclaimed "What are you doing?"
Kyo, upon seeing her, changed his tone immediately, and very loudly and clearly said to Tohru, while looking to Kagura:
"Well, madam, I'll have to carry you off now!"
"What?" exclaimed Tohru "But…"
"I'm sorry, no time!" said Kyo "I'm evil remember…"
"I wouldn't want to inconvenience you…" said Tohru "But… Well, I'd rather you didn't abduct me!"
Kyo hesitated for a moment. But then, he looked at Kagura and decided he had to abduct Tohru; and pretty fast at that, because she was getting quite angry.
END CREDITS
Next time, on Fruittygore:!
Kagura: I want to kill her!
Kyo: My eyes are fully open to my awful situation… Wait, why the hell am I talking like that?
Tohru's Grandfather: You read all the way here? Wow, good for you!