AN; Little bit of a time jump. And yeah, finale sucked. I know SaRa deserves this time off; but a part of me is devastated. I'm excited to see what she's got in the pipeline. And excited to see if they give Arizona anything good next season. And no, I'm not going to stop writing. If anything my imagination will completely run wild this summer.
Side note; still working on BFT, haven't given up on it.
Nick Jonas's song Close feat. Tove Lo was my inspiration for this chapter. Enjoy.
Ain't going backwards, won't ask for space.
"So…Sofia tells me that you cook – a lot now."
Callie's been doing this occasionally since she's been back. And I don't know if it's guilt, or her truly wanting to have a conversation…but it's – I don't know…weird. We're familiar with each other, been together at one point, but it's still different. It's not the same and it could have something to do with the custody situation. At least on my part because I know that my feelings about it are still very much real.
But I usually just let her talk and give the occasional response.
"I mean I know that you know how to cook but she said you do it like – twice a day now."
The comment makes me blink. "Yeah usually just the weekends but during the week I always cook dinner unless I get stuck here."
She nods her head casually, glancing at the OR board. "You're pretty much in the OR all day…"
And she's right. It's pretty busy for me today. I'm always running around like crazy but today I'm not doing any consults or meetings. I'll be surprised if I have enough time to eat lunch. The beauty of being the one of the 3 fetal surgeons on the West Coast.
"Yep…good thing you're taking Sof tonight. I don't know what time I'm getting out of here."
I've decided to keep our usual arrangement. I didn't see the point of changing it since Callie was apparently back, for good. I'm still skeptical, only because there's a lot of things I didn't think Callie would do, and she did them. I guess time will tell.
"Yeah I'm making lasagna tonight and I already have those yogurt popsicles in the freezer," Callie excitedly replied. "I don't understand the appeal, but she loves them."
"Yeah," I smirk, "they're weird." Even for me.
"Okay," she claps her hands together, "I'm gonna – go. Have a good day." And just like that she scoots away. As eager as she is to come up and talk to me she's even more eager to get away. It's probably me. I probably make her uncomfortable because she knows deep down that I'm still pissed, but I'm not doing anything about it. I'm not yelling, or crying, or being a scorned ex-wife by limiting her time with Sofia. I'm not doing much of anything.
"Can you forgive her yet, or is it still too soon?"
Me and Richard talk about this often, even me and Deluca. But Meredith? Not so much. Despite the fact that we survived a plane crash together and I've operated on her adoptive daughter, she's more Callie's friend than mine. I was relieved that she didn't testify but she was still there for Callie more than me.
"When I want to, I will." I add a resident to my last surgery later this evening before capping the marker.
And I know Meredith knows this. Since court she's been friendly. Not like she wasn't friendly before, but it's more…light. She speaks with a little bit of a higher pitch in her voice. At least to me. But Mer's been a little weird lately too.
She sighs, tapping her thin fingers on the tablet in her hand, "For what it's worth, she knows she fucked up. Like really bad."
"I would hope so."
"And she's trying," she smiled, "just…let her dangle a little bit longer."
That makes me smirk, "Will do." It gives me some sort of comfort to know that Meredith probably called Callie out on her mistakes. She's a good friend. Just not to me. But it's okay. Or it will be.
I have to believe that it will all be okay.
###
The first time it happens I thought she was joking. Seriously, I thought she was just being a bitch. Which isn't exactly Arizona's disposition, but I'm still figuring her out. I still believe that I know her more than myself, but yet still understanding who she is now.
I know, we're a huge contradiction.
Sofia has turned into a social butterfly, which isn't surprising at all. So the fact that she had multiple school and after-school activities gives us a full schedule. We knew at birth that missing anything in her life was just not an option. Kind of makes me feel stupid that I ever considered giving it up.
But Arizona proposed we all ride together to Sofia's soccer game. I was going to just meet them there, maybe get some dinner after. But Arizona purposefully stopped by the OR in the middle of a tib-fib repair and asked over the intercom if we could all ride together. And don't even get me started on the stares and hushed voices. I nearly dropped the metal rods in my hand.
It wasn't as awkward in the car either. It probably would have been if it wasn't for the chatterbox in the backseat. But it makes me thankful and relieved. Arizona drives with ease while casually sipping on a green tea with lemon and honey. She eyes me briefly.
"You managed to get Angie to make it just right."
I wipe my hands on my jeans, "I actually mixed it in." And she smirks.
It feels right, standing there next to her, cheering Sofia on. The nature of the game isn't that serious, but I can't help but laugh as Arizona practically growls at the referee for not seeing the little shithead that tripped our girl when she got the ball. Seriously, she could've gotten hurt, but she gets back up like the little soldier she is and carried on.
And then when the game ties, I laugh again as Arizona grumbles about how they should've won. I thought I'd be the competitive one but Arizona's streak is rough. Perhaps when Sofia gets older, I'll become unbearable.
"Mommy I did what you told me to!" Sofia yells as we make our way back to the car. She's covered in dirt and grass stains and Arizona covers the backseat with towels from the trunk.
"I know, those drills before bedtime really paid off, huh?" the blonde replies before letting Sofia get into the back.
"No, about when I fell! You said whenever you used to fall you always got back up."
The leg was never the problem. For a short time, it was everything. But looking back, it didn't really matter. We made it matter. And maybe Arizona has come to terms with it. I'm still itching to get that bionic leg on her, but I won't push it. When she's ready, I know she'll come to me. But she seems to be managing well. She's not as stubborn about it; always taking it off before she goes to bed, resting when she has a break between surgeries.
All the things we didn't do we do now.
"Well I still fall sometimes, baby girl."
"But –" I interject, "she'll always get back up. Right, Sof?"
"Right! Like a good man in a storm," she muses, already entranced with her iPad.
"Exactly."
And for just one second, I think Arizona's entranced by me too.
###
The second time turned into dinner at her place. I was dropping Sofia off after work and Arizona had the meal pretty much set up at the dinner table. It was standing there awkwardly at the delicious smells. The whole atmosphere was just…it was home. Only it wasn't my home.
"Have you eaten?"
"No I was just going to whip something up when I got home." Meaning the left over mac and cheese I made the night before. I don't know if Arizona knows this, but when Sofia isn't with me, I don't cook. At least, nothing good. Usually I binge watch whatever's on Netflix and call it a night. Unless Meredith drags me over to her place.
But it's okay, because I'm still happy. I read, and I just got a journal that helps me get my thoughts together. Just recently I've taken up yoga with Maggie. I'd rather be lifting weights or something, but it's relaxing. Sure I get lonely, but I'm better. I'm starting to feel like that doctor, that person, that I was. Like a better edition of myself; Callie 2.0 so to speak.
Arizona pursed her lips, thinking.
"Stay, I'll make an extra plate." And so I stayed.
Sofia wasn't kidding, Arizona's really gotten good at cooking. The salmon with couscous was mouthwatering and Sofia managed to eat it without whining about the tomatoes or feta cheese. She poured me a glass of wine and just like that, it almost seemed normal.
The blonde even asked me about my surgeries of the day, any projects I was working on, like she was my wife again. Encouraging me when I felt unsure, congratulating me when I succeeded. I don't need it, and I know she doesn't need to do anything, but it works. It fits. Like a pair of jeans I thought I lost forever. But when you find them, usually when you least expect it, it's a gift.
"Mama should come over every night for dinner."
"Maybe we can have Mommy over next," I add innocently. Arizona meets my gaze over her wine glass. The lighting in the dining room is dim, making her eyes brighter than usual. The wine might have been getting to my head, but it was that same look that used to have me raring to go in about 2 seconds flat.
I still don't know what it means, what we mean. Are we even…something? There's no concrete answer, and that's okay. I just…I don't want it to end. I want it to be like this. If there's more in the cards, that'd be fine too. But this…sitting here having dinner – like a family, this I'm not giving up.
"That'd be awesome, it's better when we're together," Sofia adds, shoveling another spoonful of couscous into her mouth.
Arizona clears her throat, smiling at her choice of words.
"That would be awesome, huh?"
###
She looks different. Her hair's longer and she has highlights. Even her makeup is different. And it smells like she's changed her perfume.
"I got a new hair stylist," is what she tells me. Maybe she did, I don't know. I'm not privy to that kind of information anymore. All I'm saying is she's changed, physically. Her wardrobe seems different, but yet the same. It's like when we first got together. Maybe that confidence that I used to love is coming back. It doesn't matter that it's taken some time, just that she got there.
"You – uh…you smell good," I mention lightly at the OR board. She glances over her shoulder briefly.
"Amelia got it for me. Said it smells perky," she explains. "Whatever that means."
I shrug, securing my hair under my scrub cap.
"Yeah, but like a – sexy…perky," I manage to spit out. "Have a good surgery," wisps out of my mouth and I force my legs to move as fast as they possibly can. It seems where Arizona's gaining her confidence, I'm slowly losing mine. At least when it comes to her. She is always the exception.
The scrub room can't arrive soon enough. I look back for a second to check if anyone else heard me because that is the last thing I need. More jokes about how I've become a groveling loser. They might be right, but that's between me and Arizona.
No one's there but the blonde and the nurse at the desk.
But Arizona's looking at me. Not in confusion or disdain. It's something else. Her eyes trailed from my heels to my eyes. It's a thoughtful stare, with a touch of something I can't quite place. And I don't have the confidence or the time to figure it out.
I'm scrubbing helplessly at my wrist when it hits me. She was checking me out.
Just like that, I'm taken back to the beginning inside that dirty bar bathroom.
"I think you'll know."
And I'm giddy.
###
The third time, even Bailey couldn't have seen it coming. And that woman knows everything.
"Come on, you have to come to Joe's," Meredith begs during lunch. "Amelia and Owen volunteered to watch the kids."
"That sounds like the worst idea ever. She had a meltdown watching your kids for a day."
"That's why Owen's helping. Maybe it'll scare them into not having kids anymore." Meredith's been a little weird since the wedding. Especially when it concerns her sister-in-law and person's ex-husband. I should probably ask why, but I can barely think straight without a certain blonde entering the vicinity of my brain. So I don't say anything about that.
"What's the point in this again?"
"Nothing, except the fact that it's been 3 months and there's been no natural disaster, or death, or anything that is normal to our daily lives."
It makes me think for a second because there really hasn't been. Sadly, it's weird and completely out of the ordinary. I guess that is a reason to celebrate.
"Plus you just got your position back," Maggie adds innocently. "That's something to drink to."
As if that was ever not going to happen. Humphreys' didn't know his ass from his finger. But I persevered, did my time. Took orders from someone that had no business being the head of a department.
"Arizona's going to be there," Meredith states lightly, eyeing me over her burger. She knows she has me. People like to think Meredith is that sad, alone widow. But she's just as conniving and clever as she's ever been. It doesn't matter what happens to that woman. She's always going to be Meredith.
I shrug, "So? All the more reason for me to keep Sofia."
"What did I just say? Owen and Amelia. Will. Watch. The. Kids."
"Come on Callie. It should be fun. I got the first round." I for one have never turned down a free drink. Unless it's Early Onset Alzheimer's. That shit will kill you. Or get you pregnant.
"Fine, I'll go," I grumble, chewing on my straw.
Meredith glances at her sister, "I had her at Arizona."
"That's not true."
"Don't even. You two are running around here all blushing and googly eyed." Maggie smirks knowingly.
"Whatever." I can't even say anything else because it just might be true.
Is Arizona blushing and googly eyed?
We meet almost daily at the coffee cart, and when we don't I'm still sending her a green tea. I've slowed it down to about once a day. Unless I see she's got some crazy surgeries scheduled, then I double it up and add in a pound cake or muffin. I know I don't need to, she's a grown woman that can get her own stuff, but I want to. She's not annoyed, or berating me for doing it for her. She's thankful and always surprised.
Our dinners with Sofia are almost daily, alternating between houses.
We have family picnics in the park and went to the zoo last weekend. It's still awkward in the beginning, especially when I catch her staring. Or maybe I'm staring. I don't know, there's just a lot of lingering looks that make my body tingle and float at the same time. There's even been some light touching. On my part anyway. It's always on accident.
Sometimes I get caught up.
But she doesn't shy away. I think she's going to…but she doesn't. And it's surprises me every single time.
There's more laughter, more jokes, more of everything. And I know I made the right decision to come back. There really wasn't any other option.
Sometimes there's only one.
###
Drinking's always a good idea. Until it's not. College taught me that, which is why I try to refrain. I think the last time I got really drunk was with April in the supply closet. Which I don't really like thinking about.
When you're sober drunk people can be pretty annoying, but I've always found it funny. I don't even get mad, I just enjoy. I'm enjoying a lot of things.
I was hesitant, going to Joe's with everybody. It seemed like such a morbid thing to go to. Nobody's died, the sky hasn't fallen. I'd rather scrub in on a trauma that I know will occur tonight. It's rained all day, which is normal, but it's not raining now. It's calm. Which means that there will definitely be some crash that Seattle will grace our hospital with.
I don't even know how we're not on call.
Joe continues to serve me glasses of wine, tell me how the twins are doing. Richard is by my side, sipping on a Diet Coke.
"Sofia with Hunt and Shepherd tonight?"
Joe slides a shot of tequila to me. I don't have to ask, and he doesn't have to say anything.
"Yep. We'll see how that goes."
Zola and Sofia are very capable children after all.
"I'm sure they'll manage. Gives you and Torres a night off," he adds in.
Richard's been asking a lot of questions about Callie. And I answer them. But I guess…I don't know what I'm feeling. The anger – it's not as bad. I don't even know if it's there. But what I do know is that I'm…kind of happy. I'm happy with our arrangement, and dare I say – excited when I see her.
She doesn't ask for more, or want to talk about it. And that's what I need right now. At least until I figure things out because I can't give anyone anything. I can barely manage to call my parents once a week. I don't give too much away, a big part of me doesn't want to. I don't think it's a game, that's never been me. All I can do right now is enjoy what's going on. Just when I think she'll lay off or leave again, she doesn't. Maybe she's proving herself, convincing me that things will be different. So far they have been.
Truthfully, she doesn't need to prove to me that she's a good mom, or a good person. I know all those things. The trust is slowly trickling back into my body and I don't know if I'm more scared or at peace. Maybe both.
Needless to say, I'm enjoying it.
Callie's on the other end of the bar, at a table with Meredith and Maggie, along with Riggs of all people. That I'm still trying to figure out. I can tell Callie's had a few drinks because her body's moving a little too comfortably to the playlist Alex set up at the juke box.
Not that I mind really. I find myself watching her more. Like before when she invaded every sense in my body. I went years trying not to look at her like that. I can't really help it though. After all this time, I still can't stop looking at her. All the control I have diminishes and I turn into something else. Into someone else.
She's just…too stunning. Her hair is too luxurious; her smile is too breathtaking. Her eyes are too intense. Her body's too sexy, and the way she's moving now is almost filthy but in the best way. She's too much.
"You're staring," Richard teases.
Tipping the shot glass, I slam it back down on the bar top. At least Callie sent me the good stuff. It doesn't even burn until it reaches my stomach. Even then it's not too bad. The glasses of wine I've went through might have something to do about it. I might be drunk in a little bit. Or it could be something else.
"I know."
"Well," he murmurs, "what are you going to do about it?" He's got that sly glimmer in his eye. I don't know his angle, but I trust him. He really is my best friend in this place.
"You're Team Callie now?" I probe.
"I'm Team Arizona," Richard clarifies. "But…you two have been getting along lately. Who says time can't heal all wounds?"
"I guess –" I shrug, "we'll have to see how that goes, too."
"Where do you want it to go?"
"I don't know…somewhere?" I confess. "Things are better, but they're still so messed up. And I don't want to say anything and possibly ruin it all. I like how things are. And I like that she's back and being nice and we're…it's almost like a family again. And I want that. I've missed that. I missed her. But I don't know what to do. Somewhere is all I know." So I might be tipsy.
"It's better than nowhere."
The statement makes me sigh, "Perhaps."
The music gets a little louder, the crowd gets bigger. The bar gets hotter, although that might just be me. Or Callie. I know she's a bit inebriated, but her moves are still controlled and rhythmic while everyone else kind of moves just because. Callie never moves just to move. It's in her soul, her genetic makeup to dance to every single beat with perfection. And I still can't look away.
I can't even look away when she meets my eyes across the bar. I'm not sure if I want to. I've tried to ignore it, brush it off. But you can't deny chemistry. Maybe that's why all my dates were never more than a night. Maybe chemistry is why I'm sitting here, unable to pay attention to anything else.
And I think Callie knows it. Maybe she's known it all this time. But for once, she's not pushing it. At least not yet.
She's still turning, dancing with others, but every few seconds our eyes meet again. She's seducing me with her eyes, and it's almost working. Her hands lightly graze her neck and go slowly down her torso. The music's not so loud anymore.
But she's probably drunk, and I'm not too far away. There's still that subconscious part of my brain that is aware that this is not healthy. This isn't…conducive. But…what do I really know? I just told Richard I don't know anything.
Callie's affecting in a way she hasn't in a while. My face is burning. My hand curls around my wine glass tightly. I can barely breathe. I drain the glass.
"I have to go."
"Well hold on, I'm driving you home, remember?"
"Bathroom," I state shortly before heading towards the back. The small bathroom is quiet, and a lot cleaner than the last time I was in here. I splash cold water on my forehead and the back of my neck. It cools me down a little bit, and I was right. I'm flushed. Grabbing a couple of paper towels, I dry my face and neck, wiping off stray mascara from the corner of my eyes.
"Just breathe. Settle down. Don't get ahead of yourself," I murmur like a crazy person. After a few seconds, it's starting to work. My hands are still gripping the sides of the sink, but I feel a little better. My heart rate slows down…I think I'm okay for now.
I need to get out of here before I do something stupid.
"Hey."
Too late.
"Hey," my voice comes out in a rasp. I chance a look up.
Callie's leaning against the door, her hands behind her back. Her face is a little red from all the dancing, but she looks good. Alive. Happy but, nervous.
She tilts her head smartly.
"Peds, right?"
A chuckle leaves my lips. I guess I can play along. It's just talking, right?
"Yeah, and fetal."
"I know, I've seen you at the hospital." Her eyes peruse my face and it's like she knows. She knows that it's taking everything I have not to fall into her again. Maybe it's taking everything she has not to let me. Or to fall in herself.
I nod mutely, leaning against the sink now. I cross my arms, digging my heel into the corner of a tile. I'm not so cool right now. The heat follows Callie.
"Having fun?" I manage to ask awkwardly.
"Are you okay?" Her voice is low, it's almost a hushed question. Like we're not the only ones in this tiny space. Like if she says it louder, everyone will hear. It's a secret, only between us.
My teeth grit painfully.
"I'm fine, it's just – getting hot out there."
"Yeah," she replies knowingly. A tan hand runs through her wavy locks the same time a sigh leaves her red painted lips. "I know I probably shouldn't say anything. No – I shouldn't be saying anything. But I want to tell you that I'm glad that we're…well – like this."
"Me too."
"And that makes me happy. I'm so happy you – you have no idea," she giggles for a moment. "I'm home. This is where I'm supposed to be. And we've been getting along and that makes Sofia so happy, too. But I know…that you know there's something going on between us. And maybe I'm reading too much into it and I don't want to ruin anything but you have to feel it too. So, I'm slightly drunk, otherwise I wouldn't even follow you in here. But I need to know, is it all in my head?"
Somehow in the middle of her spiel she's standing right in front of me. If I dropped my arms the backs of our hands would be touching. She looks nervous and vulnerable, fully aware that this could very well turn into something unpleasant and something neither of us can take back. And I don't have the strength to lie to her.
"No," I reply solemnly, "it's not."
A deep exhale leaves her mouth, it distracts me for a second. "O – okay. Good. I just don't want to mess it up. Whatever this is."
"Me neither." There's nothing else to say. We both know what this is. There's no actual word for it, at least I don't think, but we know. That's what matters.
She's calmed down, the crease between her brows have gone away. But she's still looking at me with this intensity that leaves me unable to look away. Every single time. Her perfume invades my senses. She's too close, but a part of me thinks she isn't close enough.
A piece of my hair curls around her finger. I barely feel the tiny pull at my scalp. Her eyes follow the motion before looking at me again.
"You look gorgeous."
The compliment comes out with such ease it sounds like she rehearsed it if it wasn't for the sudden shakiness at the end. She's like that delicious meal you know you shouldn't eat because you're on a diet. You watch it longingly, day dream about having it again. It trickles into your brain at the most inopportune times. You know you shouldn't go there, shouldn't eat it. Maybe one day, when you've accomplished that 20-pound weight loss, you'll succumb to the temptation.
"I should go."
Richard's probably twiddling his thumbs at the bar, waiting to take me home so he can go to his own home and call his wife. And I need to go home and – figure this out. Whatever it is. And Callie needs to stop looking at me like she's on a diet. We both do.
"Why?"
"Callie," I warn. She mirrors my position earlier, both hands on either side of the sink. She's trapped me, although I'm not sure if I actually am.
"Do you want me to stop?"
My body has a mind of its own, uncrossing my arms and holding on to her wrists. I'm holding them tight, feeling the flutter of her pulse.
"No, and that's the problem," I whisper across her lips.
She leans her forehead against mine, "Why does it have to be a problem?"
And maybe it doesn't have to be.
My lips grab hers. I don't think she expected it because she gasps quickly before leaning into me. I bite her bottom lip gently, and her tongue swipes mine before entering my mouth. My tongue peeks out, my hand leaves one wrist and grabs the back of her neck. She's moaning, and her hand sneaks up my side, scraping my ribs. We're both moaning and should probably take a breath, but I know I can't, and neither can she.
It's always too much, but never enough. I don't know how we got here, and maybe I'll never find out. But what I do know now…is that maybe – we can't walk away. Maybe that's the point.
My hand had made its way into her hair, and I pull at her roots, forcing her head up. She groans erotically, she likes a little pain from what I remember. My head dips to her shoulder and I bite down. She whimpers, pulling my hips farther into hers. My tongue runs over the bite, soothing it. She's holding on to me like a life line. This…maybe this is home.
And I know if I don't leave, it will go further. That's how we were. But it can't be how we are now. Our lips meet one last time. Slowly. And her eyes finally open. Slowly.
We're still as close as we can be. I can feel her heart beating against my own. The two have developed their own beat, just like they always do. Every single time.
"It's not a problem, Callie. You are not a problem. Do you understand that?"
Her nose nuzzles against mine. "Do you?"
"I do. It's just…sometimes it's –"
"Too much?"
"For now."
"Okay." She accepts it when in the past maybe she wouldn't. She would fight me; we would fight each other.
"I'll see you later."
"See ya," she replies, giving me one last soft kiss. Her grip on me loosens, and I pull away. I'm moving shakily. It might be from the alcohol or the kiss.
Or maybe my body knows that instead of walking away, I should stay.
And one day I will stay.
Just…not tonight.
Cause space was just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get close.