Ugh. Does anyone else find it super annoying how you always have to type in the random letters to log into Fanfiction now? Yeah... This is me: "wrab" "Incorrect security code." "wraq." "Incorrect security code." "vraq." "Incorrect... email and password combination." "AARRGHH FML T_T." Yeah. That's my life.

Anyhow. I haven't had this sort of response for a story in a long time - seriously, guys, we've hit twenty reviews and this is only the fourth chapter posted. I FREAKING LOVE YOU ALL! So much I'm gonna name you - Deathberry Supreme, RiinaVenecara, EAP, trumpee, Carottal, can't-reach-beer, and SilverWingedRaven. Reviews make me so excited. Seriously, I checked for new reviews on my phone, saw that it had changed from '18' to '20', then squealed and fell off my chair. I got Mello's famous 'WTF' look from the librarian. Yeah, I was in a library. Happens like that...

Anywhatsit, I guess I'd better shut up now and give you the damn chapter. Adios~

10 Days Until L Arrives

How to Beat Near, Method #4
Get him into trouble

Attempt #1

Okay. Just wanted to give you an update. I have found the best website in the history of humanity.

Title? "How Can I Get Rid of Gnats?"

Favourite. Website. Ever.

"Of all the flying pests," (it read) "gnats might be the most annoying. Though they're harmless, they hover and buzz around our heads, driving us crazy. Gnats are also known as vinegar flies or fruit flies because of their attraction to the smell of rotten food. This explains why they are particularly found around drains and trash cans."

And you know the best part about this website? You can become a member and edit what it says however the fuck you like.

Needless to say, I had fun.

You wanna read my masterpiece? Well, too bad, you're going to anyway.

"Of all the world's pests, gnats are certainly the most annoying. Though they're harmless save their freakish appearance, they hover and buzz around our heads, driving us crazy. Gnats are also known as 'Near' or 'that twit-head over there' because of their attraction to the number one spot at Wammy's. This explains why they particularly enjoy the areas around drains and trash cans, after being punched into them by superior beings such as Mellos."

It also gave tips on how to get rid of gnats, hence the name of the article.

I spent the rest of the morning binning all of the fruit in the orphanage and spraying the gnat with insecticide.

Ah, good times.

But, anyway, that wasn't the main focus of today. Today's main gnat-squishing method lay in... getting him into trouble.

Attempt #2

See, Near never gets in trouble. He's that typical nerdy, suck-up-to-the-teacher, ass-kisser-extraordinaire kid. Everyone school's got one. Except that ours happens to be the smartest person in England (except for L, 'cause L is virtually a god). Possibly Europe. Possibly even the world.

This is why my life sucks so bad.

But, self-bashing aside, this has provided me with a gateway for beating Near. I am always in trouble. Like, Mello-this-is-the-seventh-time-I've-told-you-to-get-off-the-roof in trouble. So if I can transfer that troublesome behaviour onto the gnat, then the staff here at Wammy's might stop being so biased towards him (they all LOVE the gnat, it's totally not fair in ANY way) and bump him down a few grades.

This is my main discovery, you see? It's the faculty's fault. IT'S ALL THE FACULTY.

So.

Today, during English Literature and Other Ways to Rot Your Brain Due to Overexposure to Boredom (I got yelled at for calling it that on the front of my exercise book) I decided to give it a shot. I thought that this would probably be a good lesson to begin in, since we have a female teacher. Female teachers, particularly ones under the age of thirty, seem to like me way more than other teachers.

See, those sexy Mello charms do exist. I am pained that you ever doubted me.

I leaned over to Matt and said, "You know how you love me?"

Really, that must be the words that I say to him most often, if you think about it.

Matt didn't even look up from his Gameboy. I wonder sometimes if he realises how obvious he is. I mean, even the teachers have got to have noticed by now that ninety-nine percent of Matt's lesson time is spent on gaming. There's only so much a guy can stare at his crotch before it just gets weird.

"Mello," he muttered back, "I'm not stealing Roger's car, I'm not going to set anyone on fire, and no, you cannot test your new hair dye on me." He grimaced. "Because that was not hair dye last time."

"...You thought that was hair dye? Even though it was green?"

"This is you we're talking about."

Fair enough.

But I'd veered off-topic again.

"No, but Matty, listen," I whispered. "I'm gonna get Near in trouble, okay? So, um, whatever happens next... just go with it, alright?"

"Hey, wait, hang on, what are you gonna-"

That was basically agreement in my opinion, so I reached underneath my desk, where I had hidden an entire can of white paint, and, making sure the teacher's back was to us, I upturned it on Matt's head.

The other kids' faces were pictures. I almost laughed, before I remembered that it wasn't me that was supposed to have done it.

See, this is why I do bad things. It's funny.

Matt, for his part, froze, paling in disbelief. "Mello-!" Then paint dripped into his mouth and he spat it out with disgust.

The teacher turned around to see what the sudden fuss was about.

Cue brilliant acting.

"OH my GOSH!" I shrieked, pointing at the gnat, who was looking flummoxed on the other side of the room. "Near! How could you do this to poor Mattikins?" I dabbed at Matt's bright white head in a sorrowful way. I shook my head. "I expected better of you, young man!"

Matt shuddered and tried to wipe the paint out of his face. Good thing he wears those freaking goggles, really. "Mello, you dick!" he gasped (slightly incoherently, what with the paint everywhere, but still, it was pretty obvious what he meant).

Then what did he do? The bitch lunged and shook paint all over me.

I immediately forgot the gnat in favour of the more pressing matter of my hair. "Matt!" I shrieked (and it was a real shriek this time).

"This had better come out of my clothes!" he said threateningly, scooping a handful of paint off his shirt and throwing it at my head. On top of my head. Onto my hair.

Bitch, this shit just got real.

I won't go into any grotesque detail, but what happened in that room, it was nasty. There are some classroom brawls that should never be repeated. Let's just say that Matt now owes me three new pens and leave it at that.

As we were waiting to be called into Roger's office twenty minutes later, Matt goes, "And how exactly did you think this would work? How did you think you were gonna blame that on Near when he was sitting on the opposite side of the room?"

Dude shouldn't play those video games all the time. Makes him a bit stupid. "Well, duh, because Near's an albino."

"So?"

"So it's obvious he'd use white paint." I blinked. Paint was crusting on my eyebrows. "Also, you're my friend, so I would never have done something like that, so they couldn't blame me."

Matt's brow furrowed a bit, like he couldn't really understand my logic. Why does no one really understand my logic? Then he just leaned against the wall and grinned. "...In the straightest way possible, I love you, Mello."

I grinned too. "I know."

What can I say? He's my bitch. Always has been.

Attempt #3

Me and Matt spent the entire of lunch washing all of the paint off of us. Unfortunately, our room only has one shower, and Matt got in it first. Damn him. Anyway, I suggested sharing the shower, but according to Matt that's weird and perverted. And apparantly so is opening the bathroom door without knocking first. Wammy's doesn't believe in privacy, you see.

So yeah. Roger found me lolling around, waiting for Matt to finish up, and asked basically why the hell I was still covered in paint. I told him. He looked a bit shellshocked, because I actually had a legit reason, which is rare for me. Maybe he was a bit sore about that, because you know what he did? Do you know what that evil crazed maniac man did?

He told me to use Near's shower.

I mean, really? Out of every kid in this entire orphanage, he chose Near? Really? Does he hate me? Does he want me to be suffocated by the pure essence of gnat that that room radiates? I don't want to use a gnat's shower! Who knows what he does in there?

...Ew. I think I just threw up a little bit.

But there's no arguing with Roger when he gets into that mood, and it's only because I didn't like him touching me when he started practically shoving me towards the gnat's room that I finally agreed.

You cannot imagine the look of surprise on the gnat's face when I barged into his room (I don't do 'knocking') with a towel and a bottle of shampoo. And that's because it didn't exist. He just looked up and said, "Oh. Hello, Mello." as though I was a regular visitor.

Gah. I hate him so much.

"Listen, gnat," I said. "Roger virtually molested me into using your shower, and that is the only reason I'm here. I don't want to, and if you tell anyone about this, then your face will become aquainted with the underside of Roger's car's tyres, got it?"

He gazed at me. "Whatever you say, Mello."

I scowled (I swear, it's that darkly attractive look that would get all the girls, if I was into that) and stormed towards the bathroom. "Don't come in. I don't trust you gnats."

Hmm. I still wasn't quite sure about this lack-of-bathroom-lock policy that Wammy's likes to employ, so once I got in the bathroom I spent a good five minutes piling everything I could find (i.e. my clothes, towels, toothbrushes, toilet roll, tampons- hey, wait...) against the door so that there was no way he could open it. I'm sure there's a creepy reason why he always wears pyjamas...

Anyway.

Holy mother of Jesus, his shower is fucking freezing! After I'd got past the obstacle of making the shower the right height for me (he's a midget, remember?), I switched it on and was immediately doused with water that I swear was straight from the northernmost lakes of the Arctic.

I think I understand why Near has no balls now. It's because he freezes them off every day. Fuck, I hate cold showers.

Now I am entirely sure that he has no soul. No sentient being can possibly have a shower that cold every day without dying. As my grandma used to say... A cold shower equals a cold heart.

...Or was that Matt that time those kids snuck in alcohol...? Eh.

So yeah, after those little catastrophes, I was just there. Showering. Reflecting on life, and gnats, and stuff. The shower is where most of my genius inspiration strikes, actually. I recommend it.

There was a knock on the door. "Me-els, just came to ask... want a hot chocolate?"

My heart soared. Like, I literally think it moved upwards a little bit, if that's anatomically possible. It was Matt! He had purposefully entered enemy territory just to save me from being utterly drowned by gnat-ness. And he came bearing gifts of hot chocolate, which was even better. I love that kid. I seriously contemplated striding out and kissing him, but... meh. Too bad he's not into that.

"I'm showering," I pointed out wisely. Thank you, Captain Obvious.

"Cool. I'll leave it outside," Matt replied, which means that my hot chocolate will probably be quite a cold chocolate by the time I'm done.

The length of my showers is not to be underestimated. I could spent a good two hours in there, but then the other kids yell at me for wasting all the hot water.

And also I only had lunchtime to finish showering. No way I was missing even a second of lessons. I mean, Matt skips all the time, but I am proud to say that my attendance record stands at one hundred percent. Apart from when I get kicked out. That doesn't count.

Well, it seems that the shower treatment struck gold again, because I had an absolutely brilliant idea there concerning gnats and just how to get them into trouble. When I got out of the shower, I downed my hot (cold) chocolate and gave the gnat an evil grin. He hadn't moved since when I got in.

Now that is creepy.

Next class was physics, and as I walked in, I ever-so-surreptitiously taped something under the gnat's desk. He blinked at me briefly, but he's so much of an soulless cold-showerer that he said nothing.

I waited for a while. Listened to a bit of physics. But, obviously, because my genius surpasses everything and anything, I soon got bored enough to put my plan into action.

I pressed 'play' on the tiny remote control in my hand.

Suddenly - suddenly! And awesomely! Like some genius action movie! - the gnat's voice rose up from underneath his desk.

"I - hate you - Mello - I - am - not - even - lying - this - is - all - true - so - FUCK! - you - GAAAAAHHHHHHHH, I'M INSANE!"

There was a click, and then silence. I grinned smugly.

Because I'm a genius, I taped Near saying all of these random words and then stuck them together into that little hate message. I'm brilliant, I know. I mean, it may sound a little stalkerish, following the gnat around and recording him, but it was all for the cause.

Don't even ask me where I get all of this equipment from.

Oh, and the 'Fuck' was me, just for your extra info. I couldn't get him to say 'Fuck'. It appears gnats are adverse to expletives. And the bit on the end was me, too. Just for dramatic effect.

Anyway, there's the cue for my acting again.

"Near!" I cried, flinging up my arms to show just how hurt I was. Hurt beyond fucking repair, bitches, and you'd better believe it. "I can't believe that you'd say something so utterly cruel and unprovoked! I... I just... I don't know what to say... I..." At this point, I flung myself off my chair/onto Matt (it's amazing how many lessons I sit next to him in) and proceeded to weep into his shoulder.

All I can say is that, frankly, I'm offended that he didn't try and comfort me.

...But I forgot that we had a male physics teacher, damn it.

This is the second lesson I've been sent out of today. At this rate I'm never gonna beat Near.

"See ya in hell," whispered Matt cheerfully as I trudged out.

"Bring me the chocolate," I muttered back.

It's only nine days until L arrives.

That fact is beginning to concern me slightly.