Hi Guys!
Another chapter for you all! This one is a lot more emotional with some throwbacks in there. I had always wanted some of these plotlines mentioned again in the show, but they had always glazed over it like they never happened. I wanted to hear and see of residual feelings or PTSD from Brett and Dawson from these past situations they've experienced. So, yeah. Hope you enjoy it!
The song for the chapter is High Hopes by Kodaline. I was torn between High Hopes and I Won't Let You Go by James Morrison. Both songs are really good fits for this chapter.
But I've got high hopes
It takes me back to when we started
High hopes
When you let it go, go out and start again
High Hopes
When it all comes to an end
But the world keeps spinning around
And in my dreams
I meet the ghosts of the all the people
Who have come and gone
Memories, they seem to show up so quick
But they leave you far too soon
Naïve, I was just staring at the barrel of a gun
And I do believe that.
High Hopes – Kodaline
"Are you sure about this? Everyone would understand if you took some more time off." Casey said worriedly.
"Matt," Dawson placed a hand on his cheek, looking into his eyes, "I'll be fine, just like you were when you were kidnapped with the whole 'Stilettos' situation. And, if I feel like I won't be, you'll be the first one to know, okay?"
Casey looked at his wife a bit longer, worry evident on his face, but he knew his wife better than to talk her out of something she had already made her mind up to.
"Okay, but… I just want you to know, when I was kidnapped, I felt like no one would understand what I went through because it was just me down there with Nesbitt and the other guys, no one else, and at that point, no one in the house had actually been kidnapped before, which is why I always felt like I had to bottle it up. I didn't know who to go to or what to say because it was hard, putting everything into words. So, Gabby, I understand. I know you had Brett down there with you, but I just want you to know, I understand. Okay?" Casey told her, looking her completely in the eyes to show he meant every word he said.
"I know, Matt." Gabby replied, giving him a reassuring smile.
They both climbed out of Casey's pick-up truck which was parked outside the firehouse. Waiting for them was a nervous looking Brett.
"Are we sure about this?" Brett asked Dawson.
"Yes, we are." Dawson linked arms with Brett and the three of them walked in, heading straight for the common room where they knew everyone would be.
They didn't even make it in the doors before they heard cheers and clapping from the guys, all walking up to hug both of them.
After a minute of hugging and saying 'I'm fine' multiple times, Chief Boden walked into the room, looking straight at Brett and Dawson.
"Welcome back. May I speak to you both in my office?" Boden asked, both paramedics nodding, Casey giving Dawson a kiss on the side of her head before she walked off behind Brett.
As Dawson walked in, closing the door behind her, she made her way to the spare chair next to Brett, in front of the Chief's desk. There was silence for a few seconds before Chief Boden spoke up.
"Look, I appreciate you both wanting to get back into work, the whole house does, but if you feel, in any way, that you are not ready, you say the word. No judgment." Chief said, looking both women in their eyes.
"Chief, thank you, but we both wouldn't be here if we thought we weren't ready." Dawson reassured him, Brett nodding beside her in agreement. Chief looked down, knowing that that would be their answer. Both medics as stubborn as they come.
"Very well. But I would like to tell you, before either of you go any calls, you both need to speak to Chaplain Orlovsky. He needs to be able to clear you, mentally."
Dawson was about to interrupt before Boden continued. "it is not optional. It is mandatory. That is final."
Brett and Dawson both nodded, agreeing for a session with Chaplain.
As if he was magically summoned, Chaplain knocked and entered. Boden gave one curt nod, allowing him to come in.
"Which one of you would like to go first?" Chaplain asked the medics. They both looked at each other before Brett spoke up.
"I will."
"Okay, we'll have the session here in Chief's office if he doesn't mind."
"Not at all."
"Dawson, I will call you in when Brett is done."
Dawson nodded as her and Boden stood up to leave, Dawson giving Brett a squeeze of reassurance on her shoulder.
"So, whenever you're ready."
"Um, so, how does this work? Do you ask me some questions, or do I just talk?" Brett asked.
"it's not an interrogation or interview. You just say whatever you feel." Chaplain Orlovsky replied.
"Okay, um. I don't, I don't know what to say." Brett said, letting out a humourless, airy laugh.
"Okay. Are you sure you are ready to go back into work?"
"Yes. I am. Totally sure. I can't just sit at home all day doing nothing, thinking over what happened. It won't do me any good. Plus, I am a medic. My job is to help people. I love that, I love my job and the way it makes me feel when I help save lives. I won't let her take that from me." Brett opened up.
"Her? You mean the woman that held you and Dawson hostage? Tracey?" Chaplain asked for clarification.
"Yeah, her."
They both sat in silence, Brett unsure of what else to say.
"Talk to me about the breakdown you had in the hospital the other day." Chaplain urged.
Brett looked at him, wondering how he knew about that.
"Chief Boden told me."
Brett closed her eyes and let out a long sigh, "I guess it was just bottled emotions, you know. This wasn't the first time I was kidnapped on the job, life threatened, and gun pointed at me. It happened when Mills was my partner. I think the scary thing about it all was that this time, with Tracey, when she pointed that shotgun at me, I didn't feel scared for my own life. I felt scared for Dawson. She is my friend and I don't want to see anything happen to her."
"So, you weren't scared that Tracey could have shot you instead of Dawson? That you could have died in that basement?"
"I'd rather it had been me. Dawson. She is happily married, she has a brother and family who loves her, everyone here has known her for so many years, she is like the daughter, the sister that they never had, like I never had. So, yeah, I'd rather it had been me who was shot and stabbed because I have no one here. No partner, no siblings, no parents here. I had nothing to lose." Brett whispered out, tears falling down her cheeks.
"Brett. Those guys in there. The way that you described what Dawson means to them, that is exactly what you mean to them, too. You are like the daughter and sister they never had as well. They would never have wanted you to get hurt or for you to be in Dawson's situation. Because they love you just as much as they love Dawson. And that, Brett, that is the truth."
Brett sat there, going over the words that Chaplain Orlovsky had said to her. Knowing he was right about everything, she just needed to hear someone else say it to her.
Chaplain studied Brett for a minute longer, something not quite adding up.
"Brett. I can see in your eyes that there is something that you are scared of. Why don't you tell me, huh? It's just me."
Brett looked at Chaplain, the words on the tip of her tongue. He was right, she was scared of something, but she was also scared of saying it. But she knew she couldn't hold it in any longer. Especially with the job she does.
"I'm scared of myself." Brett let out. Chaplain gave her a confused look, telling her she needed to elaborate what she had just said.
"When I was kidnapped, with Mills, one of the guys that took us had a blow to the neck. He was internally bleeding, and Mills was trying to save his life. Because that is what us medics do, we save lives." She choked out, before continuing, "but I didn't want to save that man's life. Instead I told Mills to cut an artery, to kill him." Brett sat there, crying some more, Chaplain opened his mouth to say something, but Brett wasn't finished.
"The same thing happened in that basement. When the guys came in, Tracey held the shotgun at them, I didn't even think about what I was doing or saying. I held the knife to Billy's throat, where the vein, the artery, the same one I wanted Mills to cut on the man. What kind of medic am I? Billy was the innocent one, he was just a kid and I threatened his life." The tears were uncontrollable now, flowing freely and hard down her face.
"But you didn't." Chaplain's voice broke out. Brett looked at him confused.
"What?"
"You didn't kill the man, neither did Mills. You didn't kill Billy. You did that all because you were scared. You were scared that someone you cared about would get hurt. You were scared, and it is okay to be scared. To have bad thoughts. We're all human after all. What matters is that you didn't hurt anyone, because you are not that person."
All Brett could do was nod as she cried. Chaplain coming to sit next to her and hold her as her sobs came in hard.
It was about half an hour later until Dawson was called back to Chief's office. Casey gave her a nod as she left Casey's office to go and let out her feelings…again.
As she walked over, she saw Brett coming out. Red, puffy eyes on full display, tear stained cheeks. Brett looked up and gave Dawson a watery smile.
"I'm okay." Brett whispered out. Dawson just nodded in reply, not knowing what to say.
Dawson knocked on the office door before walking in. She saw Chaplain on the couch, looking up at Dawson with a friendly look on his face.
"Dawson."
"Chaplain."
She sat down on the comfy couch, opposite Chaplain.
"It's been a while, hasn't it Dawson? How you been?"
"Yeah, I've been good." Dawson tried to sound optimistic but failed.
"The last time we spoke, it was about Shay." At the mention of her former partner and deceased best friend, Dawson looked down, too early in the conversation to show vulnerability.
Dawson stayed quiet. Not wanting to talk about Shay. It hurt too much even thinking about her. It hurt not having Shay beside her in the ambulance. It hurt not hearing Shay's sarcastic comments about urging her to switch teams. It all hurt too much.
Chaplain noticed the silence coming from Dawson. He was all too familiar with it. She stayed silent for all 4 sessions she went to after Shay's passing. He didn't want that again. Bottled up feelings. He wanted her to be open. She needed to be open if she wanted to get through this.
"I tried to find you to talk about what happened with Casey, when he was trapped, but I couldn't find you."
"Yeah, no, I was, uh, busy. But that's all good now. Casey and I, we talked. Everything is good."
"Okay, so why don't we talk about what happened in that basement?"
Dawson stayed silent a little while longer, not knowing how to start or what to say.
"What do you want to know?" Dawson asked.
"What were you feeling during the call?"
"Um, I felt off. When Brett found the hidden door. Even before then, when we had parked up outside the house, I felt off. Everything about the house was…off. I thought I was being paranoid, but the look on Brett's face told me I wasn't, but yeah. That hidden door. It was like Pandora's Box you know. I knew if we opened it, nothing good would come out of it. But we had to do our jobs." Dawson was lost in thought, in memories, seeing the door, making the Harry Potter joke, silent conversations with Brett.
"What about when you saw Tracey with the gun?" Chaplain asked, bringing her back to reality.
Dawson thought about it. How she felt, what was going through her mind.
"Not again."
"What do you mean by that, Gabby?"
"It, it reminded me of Darryl. When Shay and I got to that call. When he shot himself in front of us. It reminded me of that. Of when Shay spiralled out. How I wasn't there for her. How she needed me, and I didn't show. I didn't want to go through that again. I won't go through that again. Not with Brett. I can't, I can't lose another partner. I couldn't lose Brett, not after Shay." Dawson let out, tears threatening to spill, but she kept them in. "When I saw the gun…I just knew it couldn't be Brett."
Chaplain sat there, not saying a word, just looking at this broken girl in front of him. She had lost so much in such a short amount of time. She lost her best friend. She lost her baby. She lost her foster child she cared so deeply about. She nearly lost her husband and she nearly lost her current partner.
"None of it was your fault." Chaplain told her, looking her in her eyes, trying to communicate everything to her. "None of it was your fault." He repeated, wanting to make sure she understood.
Dawson nodded, "I know. I am just so tired of getting the short straw."
"Remember what I said to you when you came to see me about Shay?" Dawson nodded, remembering every word. "You are strong."
"I know." Dawson said. She was strong. She was brave.
It had been 10 minutes since Dawson left the office after her session when Boden walked in.
"Well?" Boden asked.
"They both have been through a lot, no doubt. It will take time for them to feel normalcy." Chaplain said.
"So, they're not ready?"
Chaplain shook his head, "Actually, on the contrary. I believe if they stick by each other, if they have one another, I believe they could get through this rough patch. Keeping them away from work isn't what I suggest. You would need to keep an eye on them. All your guys would. But I believe that if you put them back to work, they will bring their A game. They'll do their jobs like they always do. Those two women are strong and fierce and brave. I know they can get through this, if they stick together. I've got high hopes for them both."