By the time I heard Bella's truck pull up, I had regained control of myself, and some sense of perspective. If I wanted her to believe that everything would be fine, even though I wasn't so certain, I would need to put on a good show. That was the plan, anyway.
I listened while Alice met Bella at the door, and took her to Carlisle.
"Carlisle," Bella choked, and I squeezed my eyes shut in frustration at the sound.
"It's alright, Bella. This has just taken more out of Edward than I had hoped it would. The episodes of pain have gone on longer than I would have predicted, and he continues to grow weaker."
I was surprised to hear Carlisle admit this—he hadn't said as much to me. It made me more than a little uneasy.
"But, it will stop, right? It will stop and he'll go back to normal…right?" The desperation in her voice almost brought me to tears again. I wished that he had an answer for her.
The answer he gave was not the one I would have liked. "I hope so, but only time will tell. We're doing what we can for him…but if it's not enough eventually he may grow so weak that he'll lose consciousness, and we won't be able to call him back."
I hadn't wanted her to know what could happen if this went badly, but I could hear the frustration in Carlisle's voice, and I knew he was telling her out of his own need to vent. I couldn't fault him for that. Everyone just wanted what was best for me.
"No, that can't…won't happen! He's stronger than that, I know he is!" Again, Bella's desperation nearly unhinged me, but I was happy that she hadn't given up on the hope that I could beat this.
"I've done some research, and there should be a turning point soon. I just wish there was something more I could do for him!" I heard a dull thud-his fist on the table?
"Can't you give him anything for the pain?"
"I would give anything to do that, but it just doesn't work that way. Human medicines work through the blood, so there's no way to distribute it, for our kind. All my medical knowledge, and it's all but useless when it comes to treating my own."
"I want to see him," Bella said bluntly.
"He's grown very weak now—I think you should be able to approach him quite closely without any danger to you. And you shouldn't be as much of a temptation for him, although we'll use the fan just in case." I couldn't argue with his assessment—at this point I couldn't have attacked her even if I had wanted to. That didn't make it any easier to accept, though, and the words still irritated me.
Outside my room, I heard Alice whisper, "you need to be warned. His eyes will be red when you see them."
I had forgotten that Bella hadn't seen me since Carlisle had begun giving me human blood. I knew it would be quite a shock for her to see my eyes a brilliant red—she never had before, even when I'd drunk her own blood to suck out James' venom and save her life. I wondered how she would react.
Suddenly I felt embarrassed by the change, as if it was some weakness of mine. I closed my eyes and turned my head away, trying to suppress the feeling so I could face her.
"Edward?" she whispered, and I rolled my head to the side and lifted my chin to look at her. It felt like forever since I'd seen her—I drank in every inch of her pale white skin, liquid chocolate eyes, and flowing mahogany locks.
She froze mid-step as she met my eyes for the first time, and I saw a flicker of fear? shock? disappointment? …something there, that she quickly covered as she continued across the room. The smile melted off my face as I pursed my lips and tore my eyes away from her. Even though I knew she meant nothing by it, her reaction still stung. What had I been expecting, really? Immediate acceptance that her boyfriend was now living off of human blood? I forced down my frustration and self-disgust—I didn't want to waste any of my time with her.
She stopped about two feet from the bed, and gave me a smile that lit up the room, and my world. I couldn't help but gaze at her, and flash her favorite crooked smile in return. I raised my arm and waved for her to come closer, since today we had that option.
"Are you sure?" she asked tentatively, and knowing Bella she was not worried about her own safety, but about me using my strength to resist her.
"Yes," I replied wearily, "my recent change in diet has resulted in a well‑fed and satisfied vampire, and besides, at this point I think even you could stop me if I tried to overpower you." I chuckled at the sheer irony of my comment, after having spent so many months struggling to resist her enticing scent.
"How have you been?" she asked conversationally. My first instinct was to lie, but I had promised I wouldn't do that, and quite frankly it was too much effort right now.
"Not so great," I answered honestly, and I saw the fear wash across her face. She hadn't been expecting honesty, or else she truly believed that things were better than they were. Damn.
I retreated immediately. "I'll be fine, though, you just wait and see," I told her with the warmest smile I could manage. I took her hand and squeezed it gently—it didn't feel quite as warm as it usually did, but the touch still set my skin aflame, and not with bloodlust. I gazed at her, willing my eyes to tell her how much I loved her, and to convince her that everything truly would be fine, somehow.
I closed my eyes for a moment—I'd lost the thread of our conversation, and couldn't seem to remember what I had wanted to tell her.
I startled as I felt her lips at my temple, my eyes opening at the touch. She moved closer as her hand clasped mine to her chest, and the electricity of desire shot from my hands directly into my groin. At least I hadn't lost that instinct in all this mess… I closed my eyes again and breathed in her scent, sighing as I felt the familiar burn, tempered now by desire. Her fingers traced a line across my eyebrow and down, lingering seductively on the side of my jaw.
"Are you still having pain?" she asked softly, retracing the line with her fingers. I just wanted her to continue what she was doing and forget about the current time and place, but I realized as she stopped moving her fingers that she was waiting for an answer.
Honesty again, or half-truth? How about a little of both?
"Yes, but it's not nearly so…violent as before. I'm hoping that it's coming to an end." Yes, that sounded good. She didn't need to know that I thought the decrease in violence was because my body just couldn't react anymore, and that I feared the end that was coming was the wrong one. Half-truth.
That thought triggered a pang of bitterness too sharp to be contained, and so I ran with it, even though some part of me knew it was a mistake.
I looked at her warily, "There's only one other way a vampire can die, besides being ripped to pieces and burned…"
"Don't…" she whispered desperately, but I was well past caution, consumed by the unfairness of it all.
"…and I manage to contract it. The odds are still always stacked against us, aren't they?" I spat, the irony of our situation assaulting me anew. Vaguely, I realized this was a lapse in my emotional control, but I was past caring.
"Of all the stupid, idiotic…ridiculous…frustrating…!" I turned my face away, unable to look at her, my jaw set in a hard line. "The worst part is the helplessness—I remember that now from my last days as a human—just lying there, waiting for the illness to take me…" What memories I had flooded back to me, and again I wanted to punch something in sheer frustration.
"I just wish I could sleep, like you do," I said recklessly, "I would love to escape into oblivion…" And at that moment, I truly meant it, and not just to escape for a little while. Given the chance to end this odyssey then and there, I would have taken it, consumed as I was by frustration and bitterness.
The look on Bella's face was like a bucket of cold water, and I realized what I had done. I was immediately ashamed of my words—I had lost control in front of her—exactly what I had not wanted to do.
"I…didn't mean forever," I lied sheepishly, and though she smiled at me, I knew that I had frightened her. But, now that I was here…
I fixed her with my most serious gaze. "But…if that were to happen…" She opened her mouth to protest, but I silenced her with my glare. I could still be dangerous, even if most of my usual weapons were dulled.
I began again, "but if that were to happen, I want you to promise me something."
She didn't answer, and I knew at once that she had learned her lesson about unconditional promises. Why did she have to figure that one out now?! If I couldn't get her agreement in advance, I would fight to get it after I made my request. "Promise me you won't do anything to yourself if anything happens to me."
She was about to protest, so I continued quickly, pressing my advantage, "this time it wouldn't be as if I left you by choice, it would be the same as dying if I were human. This happens to humans, and they move on. The very best gift you could give me…the most…peace of mind you could give me as I wait to see how this will turn out, is to promise me that you'll do your best to live a long and happy life no matter what happens to me. Can you do this for me, please?"
Again I was losing control, but if it got me what I wanted, then it was worth it. I knew the pain was written on my face and I hated for her to see it, but if I was truly almost out of time, I needed to know that she would continue on without me.
She looked into my eyes and whispered very quietly, "yes, I promise you." I couldn't believe that she'd said the words—I almost asked her to repeat herself, but I was afraid her answer would be different the second time.
"Now that I've promised, can we talk about something that's actually going to happen?" she asked, sounding exasperated.
She was right, enough of this. I had grown tired of talking about my own future (or lack thereof), and of having to concentrate so much on the conversation. I took my cue from her, and asked about school.
She spent the whole day with me, talking about this and that, or just being with me in companionable silence. It was glorious. Even though it seemed to become harder to focus as the day went on, I enjoyed every minute of it.
As the day passed, Carlisle brought me more blood to drink and Bella would vanish for a few moments. I didn't know if it was out of revulsion, or to keep me from embarrassment, but I was grateful nonetheless.
I had two episodes of pain during the day, and Bella stayed with me the whole time. I hadn't wanted her to see me like that, but since the convulsions had stopped there really wasn't much to see outwardly, so I allowed it. The pain was just as intense as it had ever been, and I struggled not to cry out in front of her. Somehow, I actually managed to remain silent through clenched teeth. Alice and Carlisle would come after Alice saw the pain begin—I didn't want to startle Bella by calling for anyone, and there was nothing they could do but watch anyway. Carlisle stood vigil over me, stroking my hair until I relaxed, his mind and expression curiously blank. I wondered how he was managing that.
I realized the second time that I was gripping Bella's hand with all the strength I had against the pain, and it wasn't enough to hurt her. I was truly frightened then. And I was tired, so tired. I felt raw and unfocused, and I lay there staring at nothing in particular, seemingly unable to collect my thoughts.
Eventually I glanced at Bella, and noticed that she was tense as a livewire. Was she afraid that I was still in pain? With difficulty, I thought back over our day and realized that Bella had not eaten that I had seen. I'd broken my promise to always feed the human. I hoped that she would forgive me just this once…
"Have you eaten at all today?" I asked, not entirely sure that she hadn't.
"No," she hesitated, "I've been…busy with other things."
"Go, get some dinner with Alice," I said, waving my hand in the direction of the door. "I think you need a human moment, or few moments, and I'll be here when you get back." I lifted my lips in a smile, but my eyes slowly drifted closed from exhaustion. Maybe I needed a few moments yet to try and collect myself…
"Okay," she agreed, "but I'll be back soon. Don't do anything fun without me." I didn't open my eyes, but the corners of my mouth rose in a soft smile.
As she left with Alice, I thought I heard someone else enter the room, but then there was only silence so I figured I had been wrong. I opened my eyes a while later to find Carlisle and Esme beside me, and I jumped a bit—I wasn't used to anyone being able to sneak up on me. I usually heard their thoughts long before they were able to get that close.
Come to think of it, the whole house had been eerily quiet for a while now. I had been focused on Bella all day, so I hadn't really been listening for anyone else, but still, I usually heard snatches of thoughts and conversations even when I was focused on something else. I wondered if Carlisle had sent Emmett and Rose out of my range, or had asked everyone not to think so much for my benefit. No, what was I thinking? That wasn't even possible…
I looked at Carlisle and Esme, and I could sense nothing from either of them as they watched me, vampire still. "Carlisle, either you've stopped thinking, or I can't read your thoughts anymore," I said bluntly.
He animated immediately, putting his hand on my shoulder. "Edward, you haven't been able to read anyone since last night," he said gently. No…that wasn't possible, was it? I thought back as far as I could through the day, and I realized that Carlisle had spoken aloud to me every time we'd talked. I was immediately and irrationally annoyed.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I snapped.
"Would it have mattered?" he asked rhetorically, "or would it only have upset you, as it did just now?"
He had a point, and I knew it, but I still felt annoyed with him. I rubbed my forehead with my hand wearily, wishing that I could control the mood swings I seemed to be having. They were wearing me out, truly.
Just then, Bella reappeared in the doorway. Carlisle and Esme made to leave, but she raised her hand to stop them. "I think it's time I got a little sleep, since Alice invited me over. Why don't you stay with him for a while?" Her question was directed to them, but she was looking to me for the answer.
I smiled my agreement, and she crossed the room and took my hand. I pulled her closer, and she touched my lips with gentle pressure, and held there for a moment, eyes closed. I closed my eyes as well, breathing in her delicious scent for as long as I dared. When I opened my eyes, she squeezed my hand gently.
"I'll see you in a few hours," she said confidently, trailing her scent behind her as she left the room.
I had another attack of pain after she left, I think, and things were all hazy after that…