Chapter 3

State of Mind

Edward and I arrived at Denali shortly after nine. I tried to distract him but it was no use. He was absolutely miserable.

In a way I could almost feel what he felt it was still that whole part of him being an open book to me.

Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie were all there waiting. Eleazer and Carmen were also there talking to Carlisle and Esme. When Edward and I arrived since we were the last ones we went into their home.

Tanya, Kate, Irina, and Laurent were there since he had come up to join Tanya's family ever since the whole James incident.

"So what exactly happened?" Eleazer asked.

"Well…there was a bit of an incident at our home during a party and we thought it would be best to leave" Carlisle explained.

I saw Edward's face fall and I rubbed his shoulder as to try and make him feel better. If we all thought he was bad before…he would probably be worse of now.

One may wonder why I say that and I'll give you a reason. First off before he met Bella he was never exposed to loving anyone in that way before and as they say when you don't know something it's kind of hard to miss it right?

"What are you going to do?" Tanya asked.

"I'm not sure…perhaps we'll go back to our old settlement further south near Anchorage" Carlisle said.

My eyes immediately flew to Edward and something told me he hadn't mentioned his "plan" yet. I wondered when he was going to tell Carlisle.

"You're always welcome to stay here as long as you need" Eleazer said.

"Thank you" Carlisle said and signaled for all of us to walk outside with him.

We stood in the front of the house and I presumed that we would try and figure something out.

"So, where do you think we should go?" Esme asked.

Edward cleared his throat and everyone looked at him. "I think…I think I'm going to work on tracking Victoria." He said.

"Alone?" Rosalie asked.

"Sort of" Edward said.

"Does that mean…" but Edward didn't let Esme finish he just responded by slowly nodding.

Everyone's eyes slowly looked at me since usually when Edward talked like this I got very upset but now that I was going with him I wasn't. Well except for the fact I would miss everyone.

"And I'm taking Hazel with me" Edward said that was when everyone's faces were expressionless.

"Edward! You're absolutely insane! First you say that you're leaving and chasing Victoria and now you're saying that you're taking Hazel with you? She's twelve years old!" Rosalie shouted.

"Rosalie does have a point Edward, not only do we not want you to leave but it's too dangerous to chase Victoria." Carlisle said.

Edward sighed for a second and looked to the floor "I have to make sure Victoria's not in Forks…after her."

"Edward…please think for a second you're hurt you're not thinking straight it's not safe for you to be out hunting for her…you aren't going to be rational" Esme said.

"What's not safe is for me to be around any form of civilization…unless I should be locked up in order to not go insane" Edward said.

"Stop being so selfish" Rosalie said.

"Rosalie, Edward has been anything but selfish…he just left the person he's been waiting a long time for, for the better of the family. That is definitely not selfish" Carlisle said.

"He doesn't have to hurt everyone else by leaving…we understand we all have things that make us miserable but we don't make everyone else miserable about it." Rosalie said.

Edward got a real angry look on his face "I'm just saying that maybe for a couple of months I would be gone" and with that Edward said goodbye to Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, Alice, & Jasper (everyone except Rosalie) I did the same except I said goodbye to Rosalie.

"Come on Haze" he held out his hand and I took it Edward swung me onto his back piggyback style and sped off.

As he ran I wasn't so sure where we were headed all I knew was that what was to come was pretty much going to be both of us depressed.

I didn't care what happened whatever happened during this time I would be here for him I knew what it was like to be alone. It was probably a thousand times worse than any "forever alone" feeling I felt right now.

…

"Is it possible for anyone to feel as low as I feel right now?" Edward asked.

"Depends on their situation" I said.

"You were always smart to have your guard up…I did until now and I paid the price" Edward said.

"Can you stop trying to punish yourself?" I asked.

"I deserve to be punished…I've always deserved it. I deserve worse than this…to go to the fiery depths of hell where there is nothing…" I cut him off.

"For doing what…nothing you didn't do anything. I'm beginning to think that maybe the reason you left Bella was to punish yourself as opposed to getting us away. Or maybe it was a combination of both. You need to stop thinking of yourself as…as a horrible worthless thing because you're not."

"What do you mean I did nothing? First of all I dragged Bella into this world which was clearly too dangerous, second I don't have a soul, third, when we were eight and you were two I broke my promise to you…over and over again I keep doing all sorts of evil things and everyone's just like 'yeah Edward that's definitely the right thing'"

I scratched my head I was beginning to think this was pointless. It was only one week since everything had taken place and Edward was still being his same old self except it was worse.

It seemed that there was no way to console him…the only way was to either stay silent or…yeah just stay silent.

"Are you sure that you wanted to come with me? And that you didn't just come because I am a total mope" Edward asked.

"Seriously? Why do you keep thinking this stuff?" I shouted.

"Well because I'm a monster" Edward responded.

"You know…I really wish you would stop saying that can't you try and look at the good in yourself? And you are not a monster do you need me to say that more slowly?"

Edward didn't respond instead he just stared at the ground.

In the following weeks everything just escalated down from there. He didn't talk, he didn't get up, he didn't do anything.

All he did was just lie down on the ground and eventually his eyes turned black from not hunting. I thought he wouldn't go again.

Eventually I needed to hunt. I didn't want to leave Edward alone but he told me to go anyway.

I killed a deer and it felt so good to hunt finally. I hadn't hunted in a while. I wanted to get back to Edward as soon as possible just in case he did anything irrational which he was bound to do but I went for a walk anyway.

The woods in British Columbia were nice…I saw the wildlife which was pretty cool. My brain kept going back to what happened in the past and present.

I was worried about Edward though. I remembered the story countless amount of times that Carlisle told us about how he tried to kill himself when he realized he was a vampire.

I knew Edward hated himself…I knew he might do what Carlisle had tried. That was why I knew I had to stay with him.

He always told Bella she was his reason for existence. Before her he said he didn't know if he wanted to stay alive.

Maybe I was a little…annoyed by all of this. I knew I shouldn't be because this wasn't about me but maybe I couldn't help it.

I had been there with him since he was five and he had made me a promise when I was born. He was my older brother. All those years we were alone together and I felt like when Bella came into the picture I was kind of brushed aside.

It was funny…the way I saw things. Sometimes I was worried about what others would think of me based on my thoughts. This kind of stuff happened to me a lot.

The situation with Edward was somewhat like I was the backup. When Bella wasn't around and he tried not to bother her if she was busy he would come to me. But if she was free and when she was she ALWAYS wanted him around he never really paid attention to me.

I guess that was how it was now. But it bothered me. It always was like this in my lifetime. I wasn't really a person…just half.

Being the youngest in a family where the second youngest is five years older and also happens to be your only biological sibling. My siblings all kind of had each other they all knew what it was like to be older…a teenager they all experienced things I would never get to do.

I think that this was maybe the first time I was admitting all of this to myself. I was reflecting because I never really gave this topic much thought. Even in my human years people were kind of treating me like…a recycle bin or somewhat.

I soon realized that if Edward didn't get up or do anything he might end up getting so thirsty that he might attack a human so I decided to get a mountain lion and bring it back for him. After killing it I carried it about two miles on my back and brought it to where my brother was.

He looked up at me as if to be puzzled "you need to drink something…you're thirsty" I said trying to coax him into drinking.

Silently he did but after he returned to his zombie-like state. I sat in silence beside him.

…

October

…

November

…

December

…

January

When the beginning of 2006 rolled around I decided I let this go on long enough. For October, November, and December my brother hadn't spoken…didn't get up and didn't look anywhere but the ground.

I continued the lifestyle I guess I had created that day towards the end of September. Every week I would go and hunt for myself and bring something back for Edward.

When I wasn't hunting or trying not to watch my brother be miserable, or try to convince Edward to do something I occupied myself by drawing in my sketchbook or writing. Sometimes I would climb trees but that was only if I was desperate.

In November we moved to the woods just outside of Calgary in Alberta. I wondered if we were really going to chase Victoria or did he just say that. I guessed he was being serious but when he got over this…depression he probably would.

In the second week of January I had had enough of his behavior so I went up to him.

"EDWARD!" I shouted.

He turned and looked at me. His eyes sunken and had dark circles under them. His eyes were grey due to the fact that they were black but since he hadn't moved or done anything in a long time dust started forming as well as a milky substance over his eyes.

"Come on Eddie this sulking has gone on long enough" I said.

He continued to stare at me motionless and if I didn't know any better I would've thought he was dead.

"Edward you have to listen to me. It's not healthy for you to do this. If what you said is really going to happen then you might as well try and occupy yourself."

He continued to look at me as if I was crazy or as if he was sick or something.

"Please" I said.

"Come on didn't you say we were going to hunt Victoria?" I asked.

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen I am talking to you!" I shouted.

He just lay there. I think I was about to cry at that moment but nothing I could do was working. I didn't think I could ever do anything for him and that broke my heart or whatever I had.

I picked up his head and looked him in the eyes "Edward you have to listen to me. Just say something? Please? Sitting around and doing nothing isn't going to make you feel better. Like I said four months ago STOP TRYING TO PUNISH YOURSELF!"

"Just kill me" Edward said.

"You know what…maybe I'll go kill myself and make it easier on you." I walked away and bit my hand off (which really hurt).

"HAZEL! STOP!" Edward shouted and ran over to where I was.

I was just glad he moved or said something.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because…you're just trying to make me feel like I'm a good thing or whatever the fuck I am" Edward said.

"Sometimes I wish you would just wake up…come back to planet Earth" I said.

"I am on Earth" Edward said.

"It doesn't look like it to me" I said and Edward rolled his eyes. "Remember when I said that I had just lost everything? My whole existence the first night we were in British Columbia?" Edward asked.

I nodded.

"Well…I was wrong because I still have you. If you weren't here right now I don't know where I'd be… just sitting until someone found me…with nothing."

"Does this mean you're back?" I asked.

"Not back…but I guess you could say…"

"Wandering through life?" I guessed.

"Something to that effect" Edward said and looked at me "didn't I say we were going after Victoria?" he asked.

"Something to the effect." I copied him.

He half smiled before picking me up, swinging me around and saying "Then let's go."

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