"Sam! What's up man?" Jake greeted Sam as he walked into the den with Blaine. Jake and Ryder were hunched on the floor in front of the couch playing videos games. Artie was beside the couch in his wheelchair cheering them on.

Sam patted Artie on the back and walked over to Ryder to guy-hand-shake him.

He slumped down on the couch beside Blaine. "What are we playing?" He was leaning over to Blaine to ask while the other guys were screaming at the screen.

"Super Mario World. Classic. Ryder brought it over."

"Sounds good." He nodded to himself.

After an hour of the boys taking turns to play between the two controllers, lots of swearing, yelling and arm punches Blaine realized it was getting a little late.

"I'm probably gonna order a few pizzas," He stood up and grabbed his cell phone off the table. "Pepperoni sound good to everyone?"

Everyone nodded and agreed before going back to the game. Twenty something minutes later the doorbell rang and the pizza had arrived. All the boys gathered at the table in the den that Blaine had put the pizza on. They all took a soda and more than a few slices of pizza. Everyone except for Sam.

"Come on man, it's so good!" Ryder shouted from the table back to Sam who was sitting on the couch looking on his phone. The smell of the cheese and meat was so intoxicating. Oh god, it smells so good. But I didn't deal with this morning just to let this happen now. Just change the subject, or ignore them and get them to think about something else and they won't even notice. Blaine came back to the couch and sat down beside Sam again. The other boys were still standing around the pizza watching Artie chug a root beer.

"Did you want me to get you some?"

"Blaine…" Sam spoke and Blaine could actually hear the eye roll in Sam's voice.

"I know, okay, I'm sorry for offering."

"You don't have to be sorry, alright? I just had a really stressful day and I just wanted to relax tonight and not worry about this stuff, you know?" He shrugged. His voice was small. He felt almost ashamed.

"Did you eat anything today?" Blaine took a bite of his own pizza, but kept looking at Sam.

"OHHHHH!" An eruption came from the boys behind them. Jake went to open a soda, not knowing that Ryder had shaken it with the goal of making it explode on him. Blaine laughed at the boys, a few towels and it wouldn't be hard to clean up, he liked that they were enjoying themselves.

"Sam?"

"Look dude, it doesn't matter."

"It actually does matter, a lot, Sam!" Blaine voice rose a bit but not enough to draw any attention to them. Blaine stood up and grabbed Sam's hand, leading him into his parents bar area just outside of the den.

"Did you eat today?"

Sam sat on a stool and shrugged. "I couldn't." His voice was quiet. Anytime he spoke about anything relating to his eating habits or his cutting habits he either got irrationally upset, angry, or quiet.

"Why couldn't you?" Blaine followed Sam's lead by sitting on a bar stool.

Sam rested his elbow on the bar and leaned the side of his face against his balled up fist. The bar area smelled like his old house, the one he had when he was just a kid. It made him happy, even if only for a few seconds. "I haven't technically weighed myself in a few days now, I'm actually really good with not worrying about that, but I feel like I've gotten like fatter and,"

He was cut off by Blaine. "Sam, are you kidding me?!" He was getting a bit angry, or rather frustrated, now but he was trying not to show it.

Sam just shrugged and Blaine continued. "Literally 10 minutes before you got here Artie asked us if we thought you looked sick. You've lost a lot of weight over the past month or so. Sam, people are noticing."

Sam shook his head in disbelief. I've gained at least a few pounds. There's no way I'm smaller now than I was a month ago. I just need to keep skipping as many meals as I can and everything will be okay.

He doesn't even see how sick he is. Blaine thought to himself while looking at Sam. I can't let him do this anymore. I can't. I don't care if he gets mad at me. I can't let him destroy himself anymore. "I'm gonna go get you some pizza, okay? And you're gonna eat it." He nodded at this own statement, is voice was kind and hopeful.

Blaine jumped off his bar stool and walked into the den room. The guys had gone back to playing the video game and didn't even notice Blaine walk in to grab some pizza. When he went back to the bar area Sam was standing, his arms crossed.

"I'm not eating that." Sam looked, wide-eyed at Blaine.

"Yeah you are. Please? For me." He put the paper plate down beside his friend who didn't even look at it.

"Dude, I'm not gonna eat it!" Sam raised his hand and pointed at the plate.

"Why not?" Blaine's voice was a mix between angry and concerned. He wanted so badly for Sam to just sit down and eat the pizza. He hasn't eaten in who knows how long, he has to be tired and dizzy and obviously hungry. Sam, please just eat something.

"Because, Blaine, I can't. Okay? I can't!"

"God, just eat something, it won't kill you!"

Sam's face fell flat after Blaine said that. "I'm gonna go."

"No, Sam… I'm sorry." He really didn't mean to explode. When he first learned about all of Sam's issues he made it his number one goal to stay calm and only focus on helping Sam, not getting upset with him, not making him feel guilty, only making sure Sam knew people cared about him and wanted to see him get better.

Before Blaine realized it Sam had left. He had nothing to grab from the den so he left even more quickly than he came.

On Sam's walk home his phone vibrated.

BLAINE: I'm really sorry sam!

He rolled his eyes and shoved his phone back into his coat pocket.

It's my fault. I'm the one screwing this up. I don't want to be like this anymore. But I sure as fuck don't want to look like this either. I have to choose between being fat and pissing off everyone around me. That's not fair. This is so stupid. I didn't choose this. I don't want this. I don't want any of this. I can't do this anymore. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to anyone else. God, I don't understand why I'm being treated like this. I try to be a good person, but this is the life I was given? It's not fair.

Sam turned into his yard knowing exactly what to do. He wasn't going to live a life he hated anymore.

Monday at school Blaine found Sam sitting in the library during lunch. He was reading a comic book and obviously not eating. "Hey!" Blaine called to Sam as soon as he saw the boy sitting there. Blaine received a few "shhh's" from the other people in the library.

"Dude, go away." Sam didn't even look up.

"Can I just talk to you for a few minutes?" Neither of their voices were full whispers but they weren't being loud enough to cause any problems.

"No. Go away."

"You don't have to say anything," Blaine sat to the right of Sam, on the corner side of the square table. "I just want to talk."

"I'm trying to read." Sam still hadn't looked at Blaine.

"Give me two minutes!" Blaine was half begging, half convincing Sam he deserved it.

Sam closed his comic book and crossed his arms, letting his posture diminish in the process.

"Okay," Blaine smiled a tiny bit; happy Sam was giving him a chance. "I actually practiced this in the mirror last night because I was nervous. Sam, you mean so much to me and I'm really scared something awful is going to happen to you. I went online yesterday and I like, looked up how to help someone with an eating disorder and I know that you have other problems too like your cutting," Sam looked around when Blaine started talking about his disorder, making sure no one was listening to their conversation. "But I think the cutting and stuff has a lot to do with your eating disorder, so maybe if we can get that under control everything else will fall into place. It said I shouldn't try to force anyone with an eating disorder to eat, and I'm really sorry about the thing with the pizza I just sort of panicked because," As Blaine was talking he watched as Sam repositioned himself and grabbed for his comic book again. At first he was almost offended that Sam didn't care what he had to say, but that emotion quickly left his mind as he saw the sleeve of Sam's sweat shirt be pushed up by the friction of his arm against the table while grabbing for the comic.

He stopped talking and his eyes darted back and forth between Sam's arm and Sam's face. "Sam…"

"Dude, what?!" Sam had gotten to the point that he was so tired of people telling him that they were worried and that they were concerned.

"Your arm." Blaine had the whole world in his eyes; they were big and round and deep because he was looking at someone he really cared about. Someone who only cut himself on his legs because he couldn't really hurt himself seriously that way. Someone whose arm was all of a sudden covered in surprisingly deep horizontal lines and holes.

Sam looked down, saw what Blaine was talking about and pulled his sleeve down to the palm of his hand. He picked up comic book up and began pretending to read. He could feel his face turn red. He didn't want anyone to know. He figured when people saw the cuts on his arm it wouldn't matter because he would be gone, cold.

"Sam. Sam, look at me."

Sam looked straight ahead of him, his eyes heavy and his lips dry. After a second he turned to Blaine and shrugged. His jaw was clenched.

Blaine didn't know what to say. It was written all over his face that he was scrambling for words. "Sam… you told me," his voice was even quieter now because he didn't have the strength in him to yell. "that you would only do that to your arm if you were feeling actually," he mouthed the last word, not actually saying it aloud "suicidal."

"Yeah." That was all Sam said. Class started in a few minutes and everyone had cleared out of the library so the two of them had the place to themselves, excluding the librarian and a group of kids sitting near the back playing cards.

"Sam, did you try to…" He trailed off and didn't even finish the sentence because he couldn't. He couldn't actually say the words when they felt this real. "Please be honest with me." Blaine felt weak, like all of a sudden his body had been drained of all energy.

The room was silent for a few seconds before Sam spoke. "I don't want to do this anymore, Blaine." He shook his head. "It's gotten a lot harder than I thought it would."

"Don't want to do what anymore? Live?"

"Don't say it like that."

"How else am I supposed to say it?" He waited for a quick second. "Do you actually want to die?"

Silence.

"Yeah."

Blaine could feel his heart break. To have his best friend one day and not the next day would be something Blaine couldn't take. But thinking about how much he would miss Sam made him realize that if he's this upset over this Sam must be miserable. He's on the outside looking in, but Sam's living it. Sam's living the pain, Blaine's just experiencing it.

"So you actually tried…to kill yourself?" Blaine had to push down all his emotions to be able to talk to Sam's straight forward about this.

"I can't do this anymore, Blaine."

Sam had all these words in his head that he wanted to get out but he couldn't. He sounded overdramatic and cheesy but that was because the clichés he had on the tip of his tongue were easier to say, even to his best friend, than the thoughts he really had back in the dark corner of his mind. The words that he didn't even like thinking even if they were true. I hate myself. I'll never be good enough for anything. I'm starving. I feel broken. I wish I was dead. I'm nothing. I don't matter. The thing is Sam knew there were people who cared about him. He knew he had friends and family and that didn't matter. Is it more selfish of me to kill myself or for other people to tell me to keep living when I want to die? I'm not depressed, I can smile and laugh and find pleasure in things. But deep down, I'll never be happy enough to want to live. I feel like a toy. They only last so long and then you get a new one. I can only last so long, and I'm wearing out. People will have to find a new one. A new Sam. A new best friend. A new duet partner. A new son. A new boyfriend. A new student. A new everything because I've reached my expiration date. I'm past the point that I can feel okay enough to keep going. I can't wake up every morning in a state of starvation but I can't eat because if I do I won't be special. My eating disorder makes me special. It makes me stronger. I have self-control when I don't eat. When I deny myself food I allow myself pleasure. As much as I hate being hungry, the pain in my stomach that comes after a few days without food is my favourite thing. But it makes me too tired now. I hate having to keep up with my diet all the time. I hate working out all the time. But this is my life and if I don't want to live like this anymore than I can't live. But Sam didn't say any of that.

"I'm telling someone. Everyone. I'm telling everyone."

"What?"

"If you think I'm gonna keep this secret anymore, Sam, you're wrong."

"You promised."

"I don't care!" Blaine was speaking louder now, he almost hoped that someone would hear him. "You tried to kill yourself Sam. I'm not keeping this to myself anymore."

"If you tell anyone,"

"What? You'll kill yourself? You want, you already tried, you're…" Blaine could barely finish his sentence. "Sam, come with me to Miss. Pillsbury, please, You don't have to live like this and if you just let someone help you, you'll see, things will get so much better."

"I don't need-"

"Stop." Blaine cut him off. "You need help more than anyone I've ever known. Do you see that this isn't a game anymore, Sam? You tried to kill yourself already once."

"And I failed." Again, he thought. Failed at something else.

"Thankfully!" Blaine stood up. "Come with me."

Sam shook his head, looking up at Blaine. He could feel the back of his eyes tingle with the forethoughts of tears.

"I know you're scared."

Sam bit the insides of his cheeks.

"Just walk with me to her office. That's all you have to do. If we get there and you decide you don't want to go in then… okay."

"You can't make me go in."

Blaine let his hands fly up in agreement. "I promise."

Sam took a deep breath in and got up. Blaine's smile lit the room up even though his lower lip was quivering a bit. He was proud of Sam. As they left the library Blaine let his hand gently pat Sam on the back. He wanted to encourage him without saying anything; he thought words might make things harder. Every step towards the office felt like a mile for Sam. His heart beat got faster every single inch he moved closer. Miss. Pillsbury's office was around the corner and down the hall from the library and they had already made it around the corner and half way down the hall.

The other kids walking by made Sam feel alone. They were off to their next class or to see their friends or to grab a snack before lunch was over and he wasn't. He was walking to a cold, uncomfortable office to tell someone who had real power, and could fix him, all of his secrets. They stopped just short of Miss. Pillsbury's office and Blaine's face fell.

"Sam…"

"You said all I had to do was walk here, you wouldn't make me go in."

"I know you want to. Think, okay? Think about how much easier and better things will be. You don't even have to say anything. I can talk and I'll answer all the questions and if I don't know the answer I'll tell her you just don't want to say anything, or I'll let you talk and I won't say anything. Or we can talk together, just, think about it. For one second."

Sam could feel his heart, it was beating so fast. He didn't want to give this up. This is what he knew; this is where he felt comfortable. He felt comfortable in misery. He'd rather kill himself and not have to let anyone take him out of his comfort zone than be able to live but have to talk to someone about what he felt. "I'm scared."

"I know, I know." He put his hands on both of Sam's shoulders and looked him deep in the eyes. "It's gonna be okay. I promise you."

"What's gonna happen?" Sam looked around nervously, his eyes darting back and forth between the door to the office, the kids going by and Blaine.
"I don't know." Blaine smiled kindly. "But whatever happens, it's gonna be better than this, okay?" Blaine looked up at Sam. He could see the worry on Sam's face.

After a long moment of starring at Blaine, he nodded. "Okay."

For the first time since this all started Sam felt a sense of calm flow over his body. Blaine felt something similar, a feeling of relaxation, knowing that Sam was going to be okay.

A second later Blaine spoke. "Miss. Pillsbury, can we talk to you?"

Thank you guys so much for any encouragement and reviews, this story is important to me, it comes from a personal place and I'm glad you guys are liking it!

It's coming to an end in the next few chapters, maybe only one more chapter depending on how I decide to set it up.

Thank you again, your reviews have been lovely!