~The Very Secret Diary of Neeshka, Daughter of Horny Devil~

by Llandaryn

Day 1

Accosted by groupies from Fort Locke. Obviously recognised me as Neverwinter's greatest thief, but got overly grabby. Tried to offer them autograph as distraction but was instead attacked. Timely rescue by attractive swamp-farmer and pet dwarf.

Day 2

Pet dwarf keeps making suggestive comments about my tail. Might have agreed to certain requests but whilst checking through his pockets for loot, discovered that he is compensating with big dwarven axe. Have now turned attentions to leader. Will make my move when I am sure of gender.

Day 5

Attempts to woo leader interrupted by arrival of skanky tree-hugging elf wearing hobo rags. Khelgar tried to get in her pants but prevented by druid's faithful badger companion. Dwarf running around with badger down his pants v. amusing to see.

Day 10

Led by skanky elf to middle of nowhere to kill large number of cuddly animals. Am surprised as had thought druids only interested in live animals.

Day 20

Am back home in Neverwinter. Met some old friends who tried to kill me. Are obviously jealous of my status as #1 thief in city.

Am considering accidentally backstabbing elf if she does not stop fawning over leader. Told leader not to be fooled by her coy looks and breathy gasps of alarm whenever danger close by, but suspect am losing battle. Hate elves soooooo much. Tail-less freaks.

Day 21

Forced to join city watch by leader. Am off now to throw self from Dolphin Bridge.

Day 21.5

Prevented from throwing self off bridge by dwarf attached like horny dog to my leg. Khelgar too heavy to lift. Am now going for shower instead.

Day 24

Met old flame but did not end well. Suspect Leldon still mad that I referred to him as "little man" in last love letter. Not my fault that he has small charisma.

Day 27

Travelling to Old Owl Well to rescue potentially wealthy person from... whatever. Have been assured that many rich people live in Old Owl Well. Am looking forward to carrying out my civic duty there.

Day 35

Have been thoroughly screwed over. Old Owl Well full of nothing but rocks and grey-cloaks. Worse, group joined by Paladin of Tyr. Can already feel my skin itching... will undoubtedly be forced to accidentally backstab someone due to ensuing self-righteous paladin behaviour.

Day 50

Casavir oblivious to leader's advances. Beginning to suspect he has deep-rooted emotional problems.

Have been reading "How to be a hypnotist in 10 easy steps". First trial proved successful when managed to force skanky elf into singing "I'm a little teapot" whilst in major combat with githyanki. Was most amused when lead githyanki stopped fight to try to tip her over.

Day 70

Was so busy robbing people that did not notice Shandra been kidnapped by gith. Am major peeved as suspect githyanki sword stalkers very wealthy. Since am left at Flagon with skanky elf and whining sorceress, have decided to amuse self through acts of petty larceny. Have already broken into Khelgar's room and discovered stash of "Play Dwarf". Dwarven women v. scary. Facial hair most off-putting. Also came across most disturbing thing ever seen whilst searching Casavir's room; found pictures of semi-naked, toned, tanned men with rippling torsos, but all heads cut off and replaced with Bishop's. Poured bleach in my eyes to attempt to scour images from mind, but failed when Elanee healed me.

Stupid druids.

Day 71

Teehee! Continued rifling through stuff that is not mine turned up love letters from Khelgar to Grobnar. All letters addressed "To my little gnomey-womey" and signed "Your manly stud, Khelgar 'THE MAN' Ironfist." Return letter from Grobnar reads "Sir Khelgar. Am unsure where the dragon comes into this. Please clarify. Grobnar."

Day 83

Watched leader fight to death against tall bald man with big weapon. Beginning to wonder if all bald men using big weapons to mask inferiority complexes.

Day 84

Am bored, so hypnotised Bishop and forced him to bury his own eyeliner pencil in shallow grave. Made subtle suggestion that Casavir stole it. Will watch ensuing arguments with malicious glee.

Day 94

Have been proposed to by leader! V. surprised as did not think my buttock-pinching having any effect. Was beginning to think leader suffering from Casavir Syndrome. Have accepted offer as no better offers forthcoming; Khelgar too loose. Grobnar only has eyes for genderless magically animated matter. Sand possibly a woman in disguise. Casavir continues trying to fondle Bishop. Bishop only interested in eyeliner. Though have seen him looking at Elanee's pet badger in disturbing manner too...

Day 95

Prevented from eloping with leader by Lord Nasher who lumbered leader with crumble-down Keep. Stupid bald git. Cannot help notice that he carries big weapon everywhere with him.

?

Day 102

Nasher called leader back to Neverwinter for quick grope under guise of knighthood ceremony and massive booze-up. But I will have the last laugh when Nasher next drinks from his POISONED chalice.

Day 103

Bugger. Mis-labelled herb packages. Turns out have administered laxatives to Nasher instead of deadly neurotoxin. Hope Nasher appreciates being slightly more regular. But probably not for very long as have applied coat of poison to his stash of toilet paper.

Day 117

Beloved leader invited to sleep-over party with greasy Luskan wizard. Have asked Sand to scry on party and now rest of group gathered to watch shenanigans projected onto wall.

Day 117.5

Haha Qara admitted to leader and Zhjaeve that she has crush on Bishop. Bishop looks v. embarrassed and now Casavir in big sulk. Cannot believe we did not ask Sand to do this earlier.

Day 128

Following fallout from continuing ridicule of Qara's crush, Bishop has betrayed us all and run off to presumably become whipping-boy of skeletal undead wizard. Was kind of sad to see him go as he was only man in group who was not afraid to carry small weapon.

Suspect Khelgar has been corrupting whole Keep. Picked through Aldanon's pockets before battle, found copy of Play Dwarf edition #563 - Dwarven Girls With Big Knockers. Unfortunately cannot find bleach to cleanse eyes.

Day 129

Have been abducted from Illefarn ruins by Garius and tortured into compliance. Whilst waiting for heroic rescue have rifled through Garius' pockets but too afraid to write down what found.