Chapter 4
Carter crouched in the underbrush along with the rest of the group. They were at the edge of the clearing on the west side of the synthetic fuel plant, and Hogan was getting annoyed that their contact had not yet arrived.
"Where is that guy?" Hogan muttered. "It's past midnight already."
Carter wanted to blurt out that Ed was a horse and didn't have a watch, but he thought better of it and kept his mouth shut. He patted the bag he was carrying over his shoulder to make sure that the grenades they had brought were still there. He felt a small tickling on the back of his neck. It went away for a second when he shrugged, but it came back and caused him to squirm. "Newkirk, cut it out!" he whispered loudly, slapping himself on the neck.
"Cut what out?" Newkirk asked from a dozen feet away, unseen in the darkness.
"What are you doing over there?" Carter asked. "I thought you were behind me."
"Quiet!" ordered Hogan, trying to restore order. "We don't have time for this."
Both men muttered, "Yes, sir," and grew quiet while they waited. Carter again felt the tickling on his neck. This time he quickly turned around to find himself staring into the long face of Ed. "Oh, it's you," he whispered.
"Yes, did you get the grenades?" Ed asked.
Carter patted the bag again. "Yes, right here," he replied. "Let me tell the Colonel you are here."
"No time for that," Ed replied. "Here's what we're going to do."
"I really think the Colonel should hear this," Carter insisted.
"The Colonel can hear this, Carter," Hogan whispered from his hiding place in the darkness. "And so can this whole area of Germany! Now keep quiet!"
"Here's what we're going to do," Ed repeated. "I will go take care of the sentries over there. When I do, you men should move as quickly as possible to the fence and throw the remaining grenades into the stockpile."
"How are you going to take care of the guards?" Carter asked.
"Give me one of the grenades," Ed replied.
"What? How can you throw one of those things?" Carter asked. "You can't even pull the pin."
"Quiet down and listen," Ed ordered. When Carter grew quiet, the horse continued, "Put it in my mouth so that I am pushing the handle with my teeth and then pull the pin," he instructed. "I'll be able to walk up to the sentry post and drop it in their lap. When it blows up, you men need to move. Fast. Got it?"
"Yeah, I got it," Carter said. "But Colonel Hogan isn't going to like this."
"Yes he will," Ed assured his human friend. "Just be sure to tell him to move fast once the explosion occurs. The reinforcements will be on their way rather quickly. Now give me one of those grenades."
Carter reached into the bag and removed one of the small grenades. He gently placed it into Ed's open mouth with the handle facing up. He waited until Ed bit down on the grenade, depressing the handle and then quickly pulled the pin. Ed snorted and walked quietly into the darkness.
"Good luck," Carter whispered loudly.
"Carter, would you keep it down!" Hogan ordered.
Carter inched forward until he was crouched beside his commander. "Sorry, sir," he said. "I was just wishing Ed luck. He's on his way to take out the sentries."
"What? Our contact was here and is already on the move?" Hogan gasped. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"You wouldn't have believed me," Carter replied, nodding towards the clearing around the facility.
Hogan looked in that direction and almost gasped aloud in shock. He could see the shadow of a horse seeming to graze on the grass growing along the fence. The shadow was inching closer to the guard post. "That's a …" he started.
"That's Ed," Carter said. He became aware of rustling as the rest of the group huddled around. "And he said that when the explosion takes out the sentries, we need to move quickly."
"Explosion?" Hogan asked. "What explosion?"
"I gave him one of the grenades," Carter explained. "He's going to drop it in the guard post."
"You did what?" Hogan asked. "You gave a horse a live grenade?"
"Andrew, if we make it back to camp, remind me to let you 'ave it," Newkirk muttered.
"Look, you all can yell at me later," Carter said insistently, reaching into his bag. "But right now we have to get ready. Now everyone take a grenade and get ready!"
Hogan was shocked. He couldn't believe that Carter could have given a horse a live grenade – or that the horse could even use a grenade. But there it was in the clearing, getting closer and closer to the guard post. He could see the sentries in the post pointing at the animal and making noises, trying to get the animal to come closer. "You know, he just might pull it off," he commented. "Look." He pointed at the scene in front of them.
"Look at that, they are inviting it closer," Kinch said.
"It's a he, not an it," Carter corrected.
"Shhhh!" Hogan said. "Everyone take a grenade and get ready."
Carter quickly passed out the remaining grenades to the men. They crouched in the underbrush and waited. Ed was only a few feet away from the guard post when they saw his head bob up and down and then heard a squeal as he turned and bolted away from the fence.
"What was that?" they heard one of the guards say in German.
"I don't know, but he dropped it in here," the other guard replied.
Seconds later they saw the two guards flying limply through the air as the explosion shook the guard post. "Okay, now!" Hogan ordered as he broke out of the underbrush and sprinted towards the fence. One after another, the men tossed their grenades in the direction of the stockpile behind the fence. As they were running away, they heard the sound of shouts and confusion before they were drowned out by the sound of a large explosion. They stopped to admire the fireball rising in the night time sky.
"Well, I guess it worked," Hogan commented. "Now let's get back to camp."
"But Colonel, shouldn't we make sure Ed got away?" Carter asked worriedly.
"Carter, this whole section of woods is going to be crawling with Krauts in a few minutes," Hogan said. "We don't want to be here."
"But Ed …" Carter said meekly.
"Carter, why are you worried about a horse?" Kinch asked with a smile. "Do you think the Germans will suspect him?"
"Yeah, are you afraid that he'll talk if he's picked up by the Gestapo?" Newkirk chided.
"Come on, let's go before the Gestapo picks us up," Hogan said.
- - - - -
Kinch removed the radio headset and set it on the desk. "London sends their congratulations, Colonel," he said. "And they want to talk to you."
Hogan walked over to the desk and accepted the microphone Kinch offered. "Put it on speaker," he said, waiving away the headset. He waited while Kinch plugged in the small speaker so the rest of the men could hear. "Mama Bear, this is Papa Bear," he said.
"Papa Bear, a jolly good show on synthetic fuel facility," the voice on the radio said.
"Thanks, Mama Bear," Hogan replied. "We aim to please."
"And we're so glad you were able to work with the new agent we sent," London said. "When we were training him, we weren't sure how it would work out."
"Mama Bear, about this new agent …" Hogan said.
"Smashing idea, isn't it?" London interrupted. "No one would ever dream that a horse would be spying for the enemy."
Hogan heard a collective gasp echo on the tunnel walls as his men reacted to what they had heard. "Excuse me, did you say horse?" Hogan asked.
"Of course," London replied. "But you knew that already since you have been working with him."
"Right," Hogan replied tentatively. He looked around at the shocked expressions on his men's faces – all except for Carter, who was trying unsuccessfully to suppress a smile.
"So how did you manage?" London asked. "We've had a little trouble with him before. Mister Ed is particular as to who he decides to talk to. Most people wouldn't believe that a horse could speak English!"
"Mister Ed?" Hogan asked. "You call him mister?"
"Well, it's a play on words actually," London replied laughing. "The project is called Mobile Reconnaissance, Equine Deployment. M-R-E-D," London spelled the letters. "So we just took to calling him Mister Ed. You had no trouble communicating with him?"
"No, he managed to pick one of my men to talk to," Hogan replied. "The rest of us thought he was a bit crazy."
London laughed again. "Yes, his last deployment experienced a right bit of disbelief as well," London replied. "We'd like to keep him in your area for a while, if you don't mind."
"Oh no, we don't mind a bit," Hogan said, making a wry face.
"Right then, carry on," London replied. "Cheerio. Mama Bear out."
Hogan put the microphone back on the table and looked at Carter, who was still trying unsuccessfully to suppress his smile. "It had to be you," he said.
"What?" Carter asked.
"Um, Andrew," Newkirk began. "I guess we owe you a bit of an apology. We didn't believe you when you said you were talking to a horse."
Carter let his smile come completely through now. "Oh, you believed that!" he exclaimed. "You just didn't believe me when I said the horse was talking back!"
"And we still don't," Lebeau replied. "But if London believes it, then I guess we'll have to go along with it."
"It shouldn't surprise any of you chaps," Newkirk said. "After all, we British are mighty resourceful. If anyone could train a horse to talk, it would be us."
"Just because your Prime Minister is named Winnie?" Kinch asked, bringing a round of laughter from the rest of the men.
Hogan laughed as he walked over to the beaming American Sergeant and slapped him on the back. "Well, Carter, I suppose if Newkirk could have his chimpanzee, then you can have your horse!" he said.
- - - - -
Carter smoothed another hill of gravel as he worked along with the rest of the prisoners in the noontime sun. While he waited for Newkirk to fill another pothole, he straightened up to wipe the sweat from his brow. Looking down the road, he saw a small cart pulled by a horse heading in their direction. "Lunch is coming, Colonel," he said, drawing Hogan's attention.
Hogan looked down the road and nodded. "All right men, time for a break," he said.
As usual, Schultz put up the normal protest about the prisoners taking a break from work. And as usual, the protests stopped when Schultz caught sight of the cart piled high with edible treats.
Carter quickly grabbed an apple and a few carrots and walked to the head of the cart.
"Hello, Ed," he said, scratching the horse behind the ears. He held out a carrot to the animal, who took it and crunched away happily. "London told the Colonel about you being a horse," he said.
"You mean he can't tell just by looking at me?" Ed replied with a whinny.
"I mean that he didn't believe our contact was a horse that could talk," Carter said, taking a bite from his apple.
Hogan walked up to the pair while they were eating. "London sends their congratulations," he said, looking at the horse. "And they want to keep you in this area for a while, if that's all right with you."
Ed snorted and bobbed his head up and down, causing Hogan to laugh. "I still can't see how you got all that information from him, Carter. All he ever does is bob his head for yes and shake it for no."
"He can do more than that, Colonel," Carter replied.
"What would he say if I told him that I still have a hard time believing he can actually talk like a human?" Hogan wondered out loud. He held out the core of his apple and Ed gingerly snatched it up.
Carter was about to reply when Ed lifted his tail – and the two men heard several soft plops on the roadbed in response to the question. Carter tried but could not hold back his laughter.
Even Hogan found the reaction amusing. "I guess he told me," he said with a smile. He shook his head in amazement and turned to get back to work.
Author's Notes
The genesis for this story sprang from the 2006 Boston Gathering. Early on Friday, I was having a conversation with Patti and Marg about crossovers and some of the more unlikely and non-believable. Since I had already written a couple of them that could be called "stretches" – namely the crossovers with Harry Potter and The Beverly Hillbillies – the mention of Mr. Ed really caused a round of laughter. Later on in the weekend, with both Kathy M. and Kathy F. joining in on the discussion, the subject came up again. I suppose it was because we had just seen the movie The Ant Bully at the infamous Jordan's Furniture Store, but the idea of a crossover with Mr. Ed seemed like it actually could work. With much prodding from the four ladies, I decided that I could not pass up the challenge.
When you think about it, a horse is a horse, of course, of course. And no one can talk to a horse, of course. That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed. I actually believed that a story could be created that would tend to fit the framework of both shows, which were really based on impossible premises in the first place. I knew that for it to fit with Hogan's Heroes, it just had to be Carter who would talk to the horse, and on the other side, Ed would have to refuse to talk in front of anyone else. Aside from these ground rules, I felt that the characters could simply "be themselves" and the story would write itself!
With regards to the scene at the facility where Ed tosses the grenade into the guard post, let me assure you that no fictitious horse bits were harmed in the writing of this scene. In fact, a lot of care went into selecting the proper hand grenade for Ed to use. When researching the different types that were available at the time, the standard American Mk II, commonly called a pineapple, was the only one that I felt could possibly be handled safely by a horse. (Since I am not about to experiment with real grenades and real horses, you'll have to take my word for this!) The German "potato masher" grenades at the time were more cumbersome to arm and activate. The description of the process just screamed out "opposable thumb" to me. However, the pineapple had a simple handle which, when depressed and the pin pulled, would be armed. When the handle was released, the fuse was triggered, giving approximately five seconds before the grenade exploded.
You might have noticed the very obvious "open ending" to this story, and may be wondering if there will be any more stories featuring Mr. Ed. All I will say is that the ending was left open just in case an idea happens to come to mind. After all, can you imagine Hochstetter being outsmarted by a horse?