Happy '08, everyone! Just to be clear, the tracks Yuki so fondly visits are for trains that carry coal and stuff. Sry, I just thought about how if they were travelling trains, ppl in them would see him thinking about jumping, and that would be very sloppy writing.
I'm very proud of myself for this chapter, so please don't be too critical. And I wrote past lunchtime again...argh. I'm mostly writing because I don't want to go back to school tomorrow, and I'm trying to distract myself from those horrible facts...and a paper I have to write that I've put off 'till now.
Anyways, I think you'll like this chapter. I guess it's just because I'm the writer, but part of it really did almost put me in tears.
So please review, and, of course, please enjoy!
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Love forever,
love is free.
Let's turn forever,
you and me.
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I really don't like where this is going.
Kakeru nervously ran to the train tracks, where Hanajima had told him to go. She didn't tell him Yuki would be there, but somehow he knew.
Please don't be doing what I think you're doing. Don't give up...don't jump...I'm begging you!
Sure enough, when Kakeru got there, there was Yuki standing in front of the tracks, just as an upcoming train was appearing.
Yuki could hear someone panting behind him.
Oh, gawd, there's someone behind me. I didn't think anyone else came out here. How am I supposed to explain this?
"No! Yuki, don't jump! Please!" Kakeru yelled.
Yuki turned around to see where the voice was coming from, and sighed when he saw Kakeru standing there. No, not him.
Before giving Yuki time to consider this, he sprang on him from the side, pinning him to the ground just as the train went by.
"Yuki...you almost...you were gonna..." Kakeru muttered, near tears, keeping Yuki down.
Why is he about to cry? It's me...he's about to cry for me...I always hurt people.
Yuki thrust Kakeru's arms off of him, getting up off the ground. Kakeru sprang up right after him.
"I wasn't..." Yuki started, looking down.
"Yes, you were. You were standing right in front of that train.
"I wasn't really going to do it...I was just..."
"You were just 'thinking about it'?" Kakeru suggested, somewhat angrily, but still near tears.
Yuki nodded weakly.
"No one just 'thinks about it', Yuki! You can't...you can't...please," Kakeru whispered, quickly wiping his eyes as tears fell.
Yuki's POV
It nearly made my heart break to see him break down like that. Kakeru didn't cry...he didn't "get sad"...but here he was...and it was for me. He was doing it for me.
I felt ashamed when he saved me. You can't say it's not embarrassing for someone to see you trying to kill yourself.
I also felt really guilty. I was just causing the people around me even more worry.
At the same time, I started getting angry. Even though he'd tried to save me, it made me angry. Standing in front of that train was about all I had to stay sane at the time. I know it sounds sick, but I couldn't control anything else. I couldn't make myself feel happy, I couldn't stop the feelings I had for Kakeru, I couldn't stop feelings of sinking into an infinate pit of despair washing over me...I couldn't control any of it.
The only thing that helped me was knowing that I could stop it all if I wanted to. I could put an end to those feelings. That was the only control I felt like I had. It made me feel like I was choosing to have those feelings. Even though I couldn't really stop them, there was another option.
That one step was my other option. The fact that I rejected it each time I went to the tracks made me feel like my depression and despair was a personal decision.
And, then, for someone to come along and tell you that you can't have that control anymore...it made me feel like I was trapped in a corner. Stuck with those fears and anxieties.
"Who the hell are you to say I can't?" I erupted at him "You have no idea what I'm going through right now, and I have the right put a damn end to it if I want to!"
"Yuki, you can get help if you're in a bad home situation or something! You just...this isn't help! You won't accomplish anything by doing this!"
"I'm not trying to 'accomplish' anything! Beleive it or not, I'm well aware that commiting suicide is not something you do to be productive!"
"Yuki...please...you just can't!" he yelled, still trying to hide his tears. I thought he would've erupted back at me by now, but he was just trying to convince me not to do it.
"Please don't talk to me anymore. Please...just leave me alone," I whispered.
"How am I supposed to keep quiet when I'm standing here, watching my best friend try to...to kill himself?" he asked quietly.
"Because I'm standing over here, thinking about you in a totally different way, Kakeru!" I yelled.
I was sinking again. I'd basically told him.
His eyes widened at what I'd said, and he stepped back a little.
Great. It freaked him out. He'll hate me now. He'll think I'm disgusting. At least...at least now he'll stay away from me.
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry...It's just...Why? Why do you have to care?" I asked him.
"'Why?' Why?!? Because if I had known you were hurting like this, I would have been hurting, too, Yuki! And if you were to cry, it would make me cry, too! And if you got hurt doing this, I would be hurt, too! And if you died-
"Stop! I'm not...I'm not worth it. I don't... deserve to be 'saved'..." I cut him off. I was almost near tears by now, too. I couldn't let him say it. I couldn't bear to hear him say it. I would die, too.
I could still hear Akito's harsh words. The world is a dark, depressing place, Yuki. Don't misunderstand, Yuki. Don't think you'll be "saved".
Then...he stepped closer to me. He cupped my cheek in his hand, making me look strait into his eyes.
"You are. You are worth it, Yuki. You do deserve it.You're worth more than my time. If you weren't here, I would be miserable. I don't know what you've been told or what you mean to anyone else, but to me...you mean the world to me, Yuki." he said, smiling warmly. His eyes were so much softer...just for that one moment. It wasn't like Kakeru at all...the whole thing was another Kakeru I've never seen before...is this what they mean when they say "showing you true self"?
I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. The funny thing is, they were happy tears. The kind you always see in cheesy romances.
I rested my head on his shoulder.
"Thank you...Thank you so much," I told him, breaking into more happy tears.
He brought my head up to his again. Our eyes met and...our lips touched. I never thought in a million years that he thought about me the same way I thought about him. It wasn't a long kiss, but he held me for a while. I think a couple more trains passed before we started walking back.
"Is it okay if I walk you home?" he asked me akwardly.
I nodded, smiling, unsure of what I would tell Shigure or the others, but not really caring much.
Thank you for making me feel purposeful. Thank you for telling me that I deserve to be here...that to at least one person...I'm not worthless. To one person...I mean everything to that one person...Thank you for being that one person...Thank you so much...
I love you. I love you so much.
"Hey, Yun-yun?" he said, as we left, returning to his usual self.
"Yeah?" I replied, still a little dazed.
"You know, when we...kissed?" he said, slightly awkwardly.
"Um...yeah..." I said, blushing a little bit. I think we were both a little embarrassed about it, but neither of us was trying to run away from it.
"You're foot popped," he said.
"Did not!"
"A liiiiiittle bit, it did!"
"What does this even have to do with anything?"
"Well, in movies and stuff, the girl's foot always pops up. So, this means I'm the boyfriend and you're the girlfriend."
"I thought we were both the boyfriend."
"No, my Uncle Maurice is gay, and he says there's still a boyfriend and a girlfriend. So, I'm the boyfriend and you're the girlfriend!"
"I am not!"
"Well, I'm sure as hell not. I'm the picture of masculinity!"
"You are not! And I'm NOT the girlfriend!"
"I don't make the rules, Yun-Yun."
It's not like the fact that I was standing by a train, thinking about jumping in front of it, wasn't an issue just because we kissed. He was still worried about me, and eventually he would make me tell him what was going on. But that day, there was too much happy in our air to deal with such things.
There are days in your life that you don't remember, because they blend in with all the other days. There's nothing special about them that makes them recollection-worthy.
But, I'll remember that day forever.
Because that was the last day I ever stood in front of the train tracks.
