A/N: This idea is not mine. If I knew who originally thought up the idea of character "user guides" then I would credit (and probably hug) them. Castiel belongs to Kripke and the big shiny bloke in the sky. This is totally tongue in cheek - no disrespect meant to anyone's beliefs. Spoilers for seasons five and six so be warned.

The User's Guide And Manual For

CASTIEL

Copyright FallenAngels Ltd.

Daisy May , Chief Technical Advisor

CONGRATULATIONS!

You are now the proud owner of a CASTIEL ANGEL OF THE LORD (henceforth CASTIEL) unit! In order to obtain maximum enjoyment from your rumpled, soulful and overly literal angel, please follow the instructions below.

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Name: CASTIEL

Type: ANGEL

Manufacturers: The big dude in the sky.

Height: 6ft

Weight: 160 lbs

Length: He's an angel - what are you, perverted? (put it this way he's "blessed", but such measurements were done as a totally scientific study by all sixteen of our female lab assistants).

Eye colour: Blue

Brow: Furrowed.

ACCESSORIES

Your CASTIEL unit will be shipped to you as soon as possible, but delays may be experienced if he has an existential crisis of belief half way through shipping.

Units are delivered fully clad in a swishy raincoat and a suit that needs a good ironing.

Invisible wings are also available for that full on dramatic unfurling in the face of evil/DEAN units/being faced with a daunting task - eg having to do the washing up.

OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS

Your CASTIEL unit has been designed to be both user friendly and efficient. Due to the fact that he is programmed to obey God first and you second, this is not always the case, however. His controls are voice activated, but please be sure to speak slowly and clearly.

Aside from being visually attractive, adorably rumpled and endearingly earnest, your CASTIEL has many other uses.

Sunday School Teacher.

Setting your children on the path of righteousness is sometimes hard when most Sunday schools are run by matronly looking ladies who skip all the cool bits of the Bible and focus on the boring "forgiving" and "loving thy neighbour" parts of the good book. Why not put your CASTIEL in charge? A half an hour of him talking about beating the crap out of demons, how hardcore the arch-angels are, and warning against the imminent apocalypse will have even the most agnostic child filling up its Transformers thermos with holy water and learning latin as a voluntary extra curricular activity.

Personal Therapist.

Battling inner demons or know someone who is looking particularly tormented? CASTIEL units will diagnose the problem with one soulful look and reassure you that it wasn't your fault that your dad left home when you were a baby/ you happened to have been born with a strangely shaped nose/ or your hamster happened to be sitting right in the middle of your favourite armchair. For only $50 or 30 euros you can also purchase the hurt/comfort CASTIEL chip which will enable your unit to "make everything better" in the sweatiest, most satisfying way possible.

Handy Surrogate For Public Events.

Lets face it. Love your children as you do, school concerts and plays are basically two minutes of being proud of your kids as they butcher Scarborough Fair on the recorder or wander past playing a sheep in a nativity scene. After that you have a full three hours of trying to look interested in other people's children doing things that are at worst excruciatingly bad or at best boring. Why not send your CASTIEL unit instead of attending yourself? Due to a lack of irony or sense of humour chip your unit will dourly sit through the whole performance without complaint and with a suitable look of intense interest. Even if the inkeeper forgets his words and tells Mary and Joseph they've got plenty of vacancies, your CASTIEL will merely see it as a profound message from up above and not join in with the derisive laughter of the rest of the crowd.

CLEANING

Your CASTIEL unit's angelic dirt-of-earth-be-gone Teflon coating means that washing your unit is a waste of time if you are a heterosexual male, but a source of much enjoyment for those who prefer to worship the male form in a more literal and physical sense of the term.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: While I am very fond of my CASTIEL unit, it's a bit disconcerting when I'm going about my business and suddenly find it standing two inches behind me looking soulful without so much as a polite cough or "hello" to announce it's presence. Why does it do this?

A. Unfortunately, due to a manufacturing flaw CASTIEL units have no concept of "personal space". If it wants to find you then your unit will seek you out and wait patiently and quietly whatever you are doing, be it weeding the garden or reading the newspaper on the toilet. On the plus side if you are tired of your teenaged sons "borrowing" your Victoria Secret catalogues, a few visits from a solemn angel watching him "research" ladies' undergarments will result in any future underwear catalogues remaining in pristine condition.

*Fallen Angels LTD. Accept no responsibility for any trauma caused by our units' expression of quiet disapproval. All therapy fees are entirely the owner's responsibility.

Q: I came home from work to find my CASTIEL shivering in the corner of my living room and my DEAN unit inexplicably set to "smugly self satisfied". My Television doesn't seem to be working either. What has happened?

A. Interaction between DEAN and CASTIEL units should be closely monitored. While the friendship between the two is occasionally cute and slightly homoerotic, DEAN units will eventually decide to share some of it's favourite pastimes with your rumpled angel of the lord.

This often involves the DEAN unit locking a CASTIEL unit in a room with a television set to the Playboy channel. CASTIEL units will invariably shift to their default Sin!Depravity!Naked Boobies! Setting.*

* Aforesaid setting is usually accompanied with panicky rocking and the close-your-eyes-and-you-can't-see-it-override backup.

Merely calm your CASTIEL by showing it something wholesome - a cookery programme or a Jonas Brothers concert for example, and take away your DEAN's accessory C (kick ass Chevy Imapala) until it promises to behave itself.

Q. My CASTIEL while very sweet and well intentioned lacks the single minded purpose and angel wing accessories I was led to expect of the unit. What has happened?

A. You have been issued with a JIMMY unit. While rather cute, unless you purchase the little requested NOVAK family selection pack it won't be happy living with you and is 100 percent less awesome at fighting demons. Send it back to us with proof of purchase and we will either replace it with a CASTIEL unit or a gift token made out for the unit's value.

* a service charge of $500 will be implemented if your JIMMY unit is damaged by any members of the really, really obvious that a demon is going to possess one of them, NOVAK family units.

TROUBLESHOOTING

Problem: My CASTIEL has decided to find God. While I find this admirable, so far it has resulted in my unit hoarding several pieces of toast, a tortilla and now it is sitting below my next door neighbours son's tree house praying. Help!

Solution: Do you have a DEAN unit? Has it offered to "help" your CASTIEL unit on its quest? Unfortunately our CASTIEL units are incapable of distinguishing facts from "let's just say something strange like "Jesus has manifested on a tortilla" to see what the angel unit will do". Go and check your neighbours tree house. Chances are your DEAN unit has painted a crude rendering of the son of God on the side. Explain the hoax to your CASTIEL unit, punish your DEAN unit - remember sex is not a deterrent even if you do spank it first - and try and persuade the kid next door that it is not the son/daughter of God.

* FallenAngels Ltd. Would like to apologise once again to Mr and Mrs Foster for their tragic loss, and point out that even if an angel unit tells you that you can walk on water you shouldn't try it without adult supervision, arm bands and only in a supervised swimming pool, not just jumping into a stormy sea because the CASTIEL unit told you it would "probably" be ok.

Q: My CASTIEL follows my DEAN unit around, casting soulful glances in its general direction and quite frankly looking like it might jump its bones at any moment. Have I been issued with a slash model by mistake?

A: No. The simmering sexual tension between CASTIEL and DEAN is canon. Try and diffuse things by taking either or both to bed, or if you do infact have two slash units then pop them in a steamy shower and sell the rights for a decent amount of cash, or get a SAM unit to beat up your DEAN. Roughly several thousand hurt/comfort fanfic writers will thank you for fuelling their muses.

Q: I woke up this morning to find my CASTIEL reduced to a teeny tiny doll. It's cute, but not exactly what I paid good money for. What happened?

A. Do you have an adopted child? Yes? Did you check its birth certificate? No, didn't think so. Either try and convince your half demon creepy child that your CASTIEL unit probably didn't mean to stab it with that giant knife it was waving around in a child stabbing way, or just get used to having a wee plastic angel around the place. Why not buy it a Barbie doll? Barbie has spent decades with Ken and is used to pretty, slightly sexually confused partners and will no doubt get your CASTIEL out of that trench coat and into something frilly and chiffon based within minutes.

Q: My CASTIEL is long of hair, bare of feet and frankly a little more "Austin Powers shagadellic" than I had been led to believe. Is this normal?

A. You've been sent a FUTURE CASTIEL unit. What it lacks in morals, personal grooming and selectiveness it more than makes up for with experience. Lay back and enjoy, although you might have to arrange a rota if there's more than one female (or male) in the house.

FINAL NOTE:

CASTIEL units are loyal, unwaveringly noble and take their designated tasks very seriously, be it mowing the lawn or preventing the demise of the entire human race. We at Fallen Angels LTD. Are sure that you and your sexy angel will have many happy years together, however we recommend that you limit it's exposure to the works of Charles Darwin as the resulting theological arguments can prove a distraction when it comes to getting its clothes off.