A/N: Ha. I am at school. Not particularly happy about it. Rawrawrawrawr.

"This is not a good idea. Why did you tell me you told Bella we were coming?"

Alice looked over her shoulder in mild exasperation. "Because I knew you were going to call her and ruin my fun. You expect me to pass up the chance of a lifetime? I think not."

"What chance? A chance for what?"

"To catch Bella doing something naughty, of course."

Charlie blanched, but he tried to cover up how much that idea terrified him. "That's your chance of a lifetime? Honey, you've got to set your sights a bit higher."

She smirked and beckoned. "I'm still not passing. Come on."

"This is a bad idea."

Alice walked back and took him by the hand. "Her roommate is a preacher's daughter. How much trouble could she possibly be getting into?"

"I'm not an idiot. She's away from home, and her boyfriend goes to the same school. I know how that equation works."

Alice's eyes went wide in an expression of mock-scandal. "Charlie, you have such a filthy mind." She put a hand to her chest. "Bella is my very best friend. Are you insinuating we might catch such a young, innocent flower in a…" She gasped for effect. "Compromising position?"

Charlie swayed on his feet, feeling ill at the thought. Alice laughed and tugged his hand. "We'll be fine. The most we're going to walk in on is Bella smoking a bit of weed."

She ignored his startled whine of protest as she pushed the door of Bella's dorm room open, dragging Charlie in behind her.

At first, he was sure his worst nightmare was realized. He got an eyeful of some guy's naked ass as he pumped away. Charlie caught a glimpse of brown hair before he could avert his eyes.

Predictable chaos ensued. There were shouts of protest from both Charlie and Alice. The two in the bed squeaked, cursed, and scrambled. The blankets rustled in their attempt to get covered. Charlie, who hadn't let go of Alice's hand, dragged her back into the hallway and slammed the door closed.

Alice slapped her palm against the door. "Sock on the doorknob!" she called through the wood. "You put a sock on the doorknob. That's College 101. You need a system. Agh." She dug her fists into her eyes. "What is seen cannot be unseen. Scrawny boy butt. Ew."

She was a sight. Her cheeks were bright red with embarrassment. She bounced from foot to foot as she yelled at the closed door. The sight combined with Charlie's utter relief at his last glimpse of the couple-who were most certainly not Bella and Edward-was too much. He started to laugh. He knew his face was as red as Alice's. She turned her glare from the door to him, her hands on her hips and her lips pursed. Charlie only laughed harder.

"Charlie," she said, making the word a drawn out whine. "It's not funny."

"Oh yes…" He gasped. "Oh yes it is." His words dissolved into his chuckles, and he had to wrap an arm around his middle, bending at the waist as he did. "You...you… This is what you...wanted."

"I just wanted to surprise Bella. I didn't think anyone would be doing that. They're supposed to have a sock on the door," she repeated.

Of course, her protests made it worse. His eyes watered and his chest ached, but he couldn't stop. She growled but then she giggled. It was a small laugh at first, but it got louder as his laughing sickness proved to be infectious.

Charlie leaned against the wall for support, and she joined him. "Stop," she said, her voice strained between titters. "Stop laughing." She sucked in a breath while she could. "You're making me… making me…Just stop."

"I ca...I can't."

They both devolved again, each of them setting the other off. Chalie slumped down further on the wall until he was sitting and bowed his head. Alice slid down with him and muffled her laughter against his shoulder.

After another minute, they were finally coming down. Their breaths were ragged, interrupted every now and again by a stray giggle or a hiccup. Some small part of Charlie felt so stupid. He had to look ridiculous. Here he was, a grown man, sitting on the floor in a dorm hallway, panting and giggling his fool head off. Some of the passing kids were staring, but Charlie couldn't say he really cared. Hearing Alice laugh again, like she did when he told her about his lack of tools, was more than enough to make a little embarrassment worth it. She was pressed against his side, her body shaking occasionally with residual mirth, and he was glad she felt good, even if it was only for a few minutes.

The door beside them opened, and Angela Weber peered out. Her eyes were wide and scared behind her glasses. Behind her was a passive-looking, dark-haired boy about her same age. "Chief Swan," she said, her voice a squeak. "And Alice. Hi, Alice."

"Hey, Angela."

Charlie got to his feet, helping Alice up as he did. "Hello, Angela."

"I, um… I'm sorry? About…" She gestured helplessly at the room.

"That wasn't your fault." Charlie's cheeks heated again. "We, uh… We should have knocked." He glanced out of the side of his vision at Alice. "Or called ahead."

"You're not going to tell my dad, are you?" Angela asked, blurting the words so fast, it took Charlie a few extra seconds to untangle them in his head.

He huffed, looking down at his feet so he wouldn't start laughing again. "None of my business." Like he was going to tell the good reverend he'd walked into his daughter's room while she'd been undoubtedly naked and screwing her boyfriend. That wasn't a conversation that was going to happen ever.

Angela sagged against the door and looked over her shoulder at the boy. "Um. This is Ben. Ben, this is Charlie Swan. He's Bella's dad. And this is Alice Whitlock."

Ben nodded. "Sir," he said to Charlie, his voice threatening to pitch up into higher octaves. He cleared his throat and looked at Alice. "Ma'am."

"Ma'am? Ma'am? Oh, hell no." Alice squared her shoulders. "Okay, sonny, you asked for it." She crossed her arms and started firing off questions. She asked Ben about his intentions with Angela, if he'd brought protection, if he was sure he knew how to use it right. She didn't give him a chance to answer, she just kept asking more, all the while beginning to encroach on his personal space.

In no time flat, Alice had the poor freshman sputtering. He looked like he was about to cry. Taking pity on the boy, Charlie put his hand on Alice's shoulder, halting her tirade. "Where's Bella?" he asked Angela.

Pale as a sheet but a lot calmer than her bedmate-she knew Alice after all-Angela cleared her throat so she could answer. "She's probably out front. She and Edward like to, uh… study there."

"Thanks," Charlie said, steering Alice away from Ben. "Sorry again."

Once outside, Alice broke into a fresh, although not hysterical, wave of giggles. "That was fantastic."

"Sure. Fantastic. If fantastic is synonymous with horrifying, let's go with that. I've never been so glad I don't go to church. I don't know if I'll ever be able to look her father in the eyes again."

Alice tugged at his sleeve. "Come on, Charlie. When was the last time you laughed like that?"

"Can't say. I don't remember."

She smiled at him, but then her eyes caught something behind his back and her expression brightened. "Oh, look. There's Bella."

Charlie looked and instantly wished he hadn't. His daughter was sitting on a bench near the opposite side of the building with Edward at her side. He could see she had a textbook on her lap, but she was ignoring it in favor of making out with her boyfriend. "Ah, hell."

"Don't worry. I'll take care of this. Looks like I might get my moment after all."

With that, she dashed away, sticking to the side of the building as best she could. She crept carefully and snuck behind the bench. She leaned in close, close, closer to the amorous couple.

When they finally figured out she was there, Charlie heard Bella yelp from where he was standing. He shook his head but smiled at the sight. This was the Alice he'd known not so long ago: mischievous and happy. He hoped it was a sign she was healing, but what did he know? He could only be glad she was still capable of this kind of levity.

Shaking that off, he went to greet his daughter.

~0~

Charlie glanced over as Bella fell into step beside him. He nodded ahead of them to where Alice was staring at light fixtures, occasionally shoving boxes into Edward's arms so she could compare and contrast. "She's a whirlwind," Charlie said.

Bella snorted. "And she's going to get Esme in on all this. You're so screwed, Dad. You're not even going to recognize the kitchen by the time they're done."

"It's just a kitchen, and it's been almost nineteen years. It's time for a change."

"Oh, really? This from the same guy who refuses to buy digital movies even though your TV plays them, and all because DVDs still exist? Not even BluRay, but DVD."

"See now, there's change and there's unnecessary change. You should be able to touch your movies and your books for that matter."

Bella rifled through her purse and held up her tablet. "I'm carrying like three hundred books, fifteen movies, and all nine seasons of Supernatural with me."

"You can't read three hundred books at once. Not even you, bookworm."

"That's not the point."

"Well, when I see the point of needing all my movies on some database god only knows where that I can't even see, I'll let you know. Alice, on the other hand, made a completely reasonable point about adding value to the house. This change makes sense."

Bella cocked an eyebrow at him. "Are you planning on selling off my inheritance then?"

That caught him off guard. "I… no, but-"

She laughed. "Kidding, Dad. Jeez."

"Hey, Charlie." Alice bounded over and sidled up to him. "Check it out. I've narrowed it down to two choices, though we can keep looking if you don't like them, of course." She had a box in one arm and gestured to Edward who was patiently holding up another. Both boxes held lights-that much Charlie could tell. To him, though, there seemed to be very little difference.

"You'd know better than I would. Which would fit in the kitchen you're leaving me with?" he asked.

She visibly struggled to temper an impatient look. "They'd both work, of course. That's why I'm showing you two options instead of twenty. This isn't about function. They'll light the kitchen beautifully. This is the fun part. This is about the aesthetics. One day, you want to be able to lean back against the counter in your awesome new kitchen, look up and think, 'Man, i just love that light."

Charlie stared at her, bemused.

"Alice, normal people don't spend much time staring at their ceiling," Edward said.

She rolled her eyes and pointed to the box her brother held. "The one Edward has is straight, narrow, and predictable." She eyed her brother significantly. He just shook his head. "And don't get me wrong. There's a lot to be said for smooth and steady. It's a fine way to go."

"But," Charlie prompted.

Alice jiggled the box she held. "This one is just a little sassy."

"Are we still talking about lights?" Bella murmured under her breath.

Ignoring her, Alice continued. "There's a swivel to the mount, see? It draws the eye, and the cone is rounded more oblong. Same function, just a little more fun to look at. You know, if you're into that kind of thing."

Charlie still had no idea what he was supposed to like or dislike about either set. A light was light. He wouldn't have been able to describe a single lamp in the home he'd lived in for nineteen years; he could pretty much guarantee Edward was right. He'd never spend time staring at the ceiling.

"Just go with your gut," Alice said.

His gaze locked with hers. He reached out and tapped the box she held without saying a word. She grinned and gave a celebratory little jump. "Great. See, that wasn't hard." She put the box in the cart and turned to her brother. "Put that one back. We have glass to look at next."

"Wait, why are we looking at glass?" Charlie asked.

Alice's expression was the picture of innocence. "We-ll," she said, drawing the word out. "I was just thinking, you know what would be really lovely? Glass cabinets." Charlie's eyebrows shot up, and Alice raised her hands in a peacemaking gesture. "Hear me out. They can make even a small kitchen like yours look elegant. I'm going to price it first, and if it's out of our budget, that's it. I'm not going to drive you into the poor house, but if it's reasonable, it would be lovely. Plus-"

Then it was Charlie raising his hands to stop her defense. "I trust you. Let's get it done."

Alice grinned, pleased. She bounced on her feet and hurried off without further prompting.

"You're having fun."

Charlie looked at Bella as they followed Alice at a less enthusiastic pace. "What?"

"You're having fun with Alice. I've been worried you might think she was annoying. I love Alice, but she can be intense."

"She's easy."

Bella looked happy. "Maybe this is one of those things that works out even better than expected. I was afraid you'd be lonely when I went to school, but this works. Alice seems better, and you're getting along. Who knew you would do so well with a roommate."

"Roommate." The word felt off somehow, incongruous with what Alice was to him. Strictly speaking it fit, so he shrugged. "I like her. She's not you, but she'll do." He winked and Bella smiled.

"We should hurry before she gets anymore bright ideas. What did I tell you? You're so screwed."

Charlie scoffed. "Yeah, well, what can you do?"

A/N: Let's all send jessypt get well soon vibes! She is under the weather but she still looked at this for me. Much heart.

How we doing out there, folks? I know the updates are shortish. I predict they'll get longer in the near future. Bwah haha.