Disclaimer: I do not own PJO, Chuck Norris or cage matches.

For some reason, I think I'm having trouble updating sometimes, is anyone else having that problem?

The Misadventures of A Bald Emo: A Pitiful Non-Chuck-Norris-or-Kung-Fu-Assassin-Warrior Related Situation

By autumnflame

Nico was standing in the nearly empty Aphrodite Cabin and was pacing impatiently back and forth, carefully avoiding the hats and costumes a certain daughter of love was throwing out of a large and seemingly never-ending closet.

"Got it," Piper called out, her voice muffled by the amount of cloth spilling out of the closet.

Nico stopped and turned around to see Piper pull out her chosen item. He stood still, contemplating it for a while, judging the inconspicuous value.

He grimaced, "No."

"What?" asked Piper placing the hat down on one of the bunk beds.

"I'm not wearing that thing."

"Why?"

Nico struggled to find words to describe it, "Just no, Piper, no."

"It's a hat, I thought you wanted one to cover your….head!"

The son of Hades groaned in frustration, and was about to run his fingers through his hair, but then he realised, oh wait, he didn't have any. Piper placed a hand on her hip and looked confused.

"Really? What's wrong with it?"

Nico walked over and grabbed the hat, shaking it a bit, "Piper, it's one of those Asian rice paddy hats."

Piper frowned," So? It's the only mildly sensible one in the closet. Plus, it covers your face. If you really don't want it, go look for another one."

Setting the hat down – none too gently –, he rummaged around in the closet himself, grumbling, determined to find a more suitable accessory to cover his head. Surely there had to be something better than that….thing. Nico pulled out a rainbow afro, immediately recognising it as a replica of the one from Madagascar 3. He blanched, no way was he going to wear that, because believe it or not, he did in fact have more dignity than a delirious animal that couldn't tell the difference between black with white stripes and white with black stripes. Anyway, he wasn't that desperate. Yet.

Several minutes later – and a few thousand or so accessories that can barely be called hats – later, Nico finally gave up and let Piper, who was looking very smug, fix the silly thing on his head. Piper then dragged him outside, telling him to – and he quotes – 'look casual and pretend to be a caretaker or something'. She reasoned that no-one would be expecting the son of Hades to be wearing a rice paddy hat, and what would be the chances that someone would notice?

So Nico was outside, 'looking casual and pretending to be a caretaker or something'. Though he doubted that sitting under a tree could be considered 'caretaker-ish work'. He'd have preferred to stay in the Underworld, which would have been immensely easier, until his hair grew back – if it ever would – but Alecto had spent a great deal of time cackling over his problem and his father wasn't helping either. For an equally bald God, he was such a jerk. Then again, pretty much all gods were.

Nico was dragged out of his thoughts when he heard a crash in the woods behind him.

"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!" a familiar and very loud and manly – or rather goatly – voice shouted at he charged out of the woods.

Looking around suspiciously, ready to go all Kung Fu Warrior on any unsuspecting demigod, the satyr didn't notice the very suspicious looking demigod sporting a rice paddy hat. That is until Nico sneezed.

"HI-YAH!" Coach Hedge launched an assault on the rice-paddy-hat-wearing 'fiend', delivering a swift karate chop to the shoulder.

"Coach Hedge, it's ME, Nico," Nico whispered furiously, sloppily blocking the blow.

The satyr loosened the headlock he was holding Nico in and dropped him heavily on the ground.

"What in the world are you doing with THAT, Ni– " Hedge was cut short when the demigod attempted to clamp a hand over his mouth.

"Shh! We'll go into the woods, then I'll explain."

The would-be Kung Fu Warrior with anger issues and the bald emo slipped into the woods and sat on some conveniently placed rocks. Nico explained his dilemma, once again spilling everything but the Leo incident. Piper had, at some point, joined them, mumbling about 'Annabeth being too smart and had discovered ...'.

"Has anyone ever told you that bald really isn't the look for you?" asked Coach, munching on some cans, "I mean you're starting to look like your father and even less like Chuck Norris."

Nico groaned, rolling his eyes, "Yes, yes they have. Wait, why would I want to look like Chuck Norris?"

The satyr shrugged, "Who doesn't want to look like Chuck Norris and become a Kung Fu Assassin Warrior?"

"Everyone except you," Piper pointed out, her first contribution to the conversation.

"That may or may not have been a rhetorical question, kid," the half-goat chaperone said, gritting his teeth.

Coach Hedge stood up, brushing his furry hind-quarters and said, "Well, your sadly non-Chuck-Norris-or-Kung-Fu-Assassin-Warrior related situation is pitiful and pathetic and all, but I have to go and finish my 750th Chuck Norris cage match re-run marathon."

And he left, though not before crashing into several trees/demigods and yelling for them to "GET OUT OF THE WAY!" and "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE WALKING!".

Please review and feel free to make any suggestions. BRING ON THE FLAMES COS UNCLE LEO IS HERE!