So, I was re-reading some of the reviews I got for this story, when I noticed soulknight121 had said that they could see Harry giving Dudley advice on his first date. It inspired me to write this one-shot wherein Harry gives Dudley advice on his crush. Family Guy songs, Fight Club references, and sassy gay laughs ensue. I hope you enjoy! Review, check out my other stories, and all that jazz.
Meet Dudley Dursley. The eleven-year-old is in the thrall of his first crush, as demonstrated by the fact that he is currently standing on the roof of his house, leaning forward slightly in order to gain the best view of Mandy Thompson, the pretty girl who lived next door. Currently, Mandy was playing some weird game with her girlfriends, plus Harry. She didn't notice Dudley's eyes on her, and Dudley, despite his boisterous, outgoing personality, was more than happy to keep it that way. Dudley always ended up blushing and stammering out something stupid whenever he talked to her, leaving Mandy to question the intelligence of straight boys everywhere. So, really, it was better for all parties if Dudley just admired her from afar.
So, Dudley chose to spend that afternoon standing on the roof of his house to spy on the pretty girl next door. Of course, as Dudley leaned forward further in order to get a closer look at his crush, it would be inevitable that all of his weight would eventually shift forward, causing him to lose his footing and utterly humiliate himself by falling off the roof. This fate could have been avoided if he had a sassy gay friend.
"What are you doing? What, what, WHAT are you doing?" screamed a familiar voice. Dudley yelled out in surprise and lost his balance, falling off the roof. He didn't injure himself- neither he nor Harry ever got seriously hurt no matter what antics they got into- but the girls playing next door did look over and giggle at Dudley's plight (once they saw he wasn't seriously hurt, of course). Dudley blushed. Apparently for Dudley Dursley, this fate would not be avoided, sassy gay friend or no.
Harry had been standing on the roof behind him, even though Dudley could swear he saw Harry playing in Mandy's backyard just a moment ago. How the heck did Harry get up there that quickly? Harry quickly jumped down two stories to land on the ground next to Dudley (gracefully and on his feet, of course. How did Harry do shit like that?).
"How did you get on the roof that fast?" Dudley asked his cousin, not really wanting to go into why he himself was on the roof.
"Oh, I've had lots of practice," Harry said airily, tossing his hair like he was that blond girl from that musical he liked so much. Toss, toss.
"When have you ever had practice climbing on the roof?" Asked Dudley, puzzled.
"Oh, you never know when it will work to my advantage to be able to see over fences into other people's yards. You know, if I ever want to see what our neighbors are up to." Harry was blushing, uncharacteristically shy as he said this. Dudley could not help but notice the way his cousin's green eyes shifted towards Piers' house, which was right next door to their own, on the opposite side of Mandy's house. Now that Dudley listened closely, he could hear from behind the tall wooden fence the sound of Piers' elder brother strumming his guitar in the backyard, oblivious to everything else. It looked like he and Harry were in the same boat.
The younger boy looked up at Dudley, then looked over to Mandy's yard. Realization seemed to dawn in his vibrant green eyes, and Harry suddenly looked like he was fighting back a giggle. "Dudley and Mandy sitting in a tree," Harry sang quietly, and the music coming from Piers' brother's guitar seemed to harmonize with him. "K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
"Oh, shut up," Dudley grouched, whacking his cousin on the arm.
"No need to get all grumpy, Dudley. I can help you with this," Harry said, delighted at the opportunity to play Cupid. "We will make Mandy fall madly in love with you!"
"How are we going to do that?" Dudley asked doubtfully.
"Simple, dear cousin. I will give you lessons on how to be the perfect boyfriend."
"And how are you going to do that?" Dudley asked. "You've never had a boyfriend."
"Dudley, Dudley," Harry said shaking his head pityingly. "The first book I've ever read was an issue of Cosmo magazine cover-to-cover. I've seen every romantic comedy worth talking about, and, despite never receiving any money for new clothes, the wardrobe that I've created for myself makes Coco Chanel look positively destitute. Trust me, being a good boyfriend isn't about having a lot of experience. It's about style! So come on, let's get started. No offense, but you've got a long way to go." Harry pulled his cousin by the hand and dragged him into his cupboard-cum-beauty salon/department store.
Twenty four hours later, Harry declared Dudley's new look to be finished. Dudley, who had somehow managed to fall asleep standing up, jerked awake to find himself wearing all new clothes. He had on a tight black shirt that showed off his developing muscles, equally tight black jeans, some sort of red high-heeled boot, and a smart red leather jacket. A sparkly blue scarf completed the ensemble. "I'm thinking of naming your scarf Peri... short for periwinkle," Harry informed him. There were bags under his eyes, and he had a slightly manic grin on his face. Dudley had seen these signs before whenever his cousin had a "fashion epiphany" and spent all night fiddling with his clothes. Dudley could already tell that Harry would be slightly unglued, working purely on adrenaline, until he could be convinced to get some rest. "I think Peri and Tangy would be such good friends," Harry continued, brandishing his own, ever-present neon-orange scarf.
Dudley made to steer his cousin to the inexplicably large bed, but Harry would have none of that. "I cannot rest when romance is afoot!" The flamboyant ten year-old declared, dragging Dudley out to the yard. Before they opened the gate to go into Mandy's yard, Harry gave Dudley some last-minute advice. "Mandy likes talking about fashion," Harry informed him. "Your makeover should help with that, but you should also act interested when she talks about clothes. I know you're a straight boy and it's difficult, but do it for love. Oooh! Speaking of love, Mandy loves Broadway musicals. I know you don't know much about them, but if we end up having a conversation about Broadway, just follow my lead and you should be fine. I'm theatrical enough for the both of us, after all."
When they made it into Mandy's backyard, the pretty girl squealed in delight and hugged Harry. She looked at Dudley, puzzled, then asked, "Who's your friend, Harry?"
"That's Dudley, my cousin," Harry replied. "You've met him."
Mandy squealed again as the other girls crowded around Dudley for a closer look. Dudley beamed. He had no idea that his flamboyantly gay cousin was this good at attracting girls. It wasn't fair, really. "Oh, Dudley, you look gorgeous!" Mandy squealed enthusiastically.
"I love your hair," Victoria put in, stroking the golden locks that Harry had stylishly moussed, probably while Dudley was sleeping.
"And your scarf matches your blue eyes," Jenna added.
"This is your work, isn't it, Harry?" Mandy asked, smiling knowingly.
"Of course," Said Harry modestly. "Who else could create something so fabulous?"
The girls all giggled at this. "Oh, Dudley, you look so cute," Mandy enthused. "I just have to hug you!" And she threw her arms around a shocked (but pleased) Dudley Dursley. It wasn't long before all of the girls plus Harry insisted on giving Dudley a hug. The friends spent the next few minutes locked in a group embrace.
"OK, enough of that," Harry said in a business-like fashion, clapping his hands together in a brisk manner that belied his tiredness. "We need to think of a fabulous musical number to perform for the school's talent show. Remember, ladies, this will be our last performance before we all go off to secondary school, so we have to make it good. Dudley and I have been working on a number that sums up our feelings for each other..." Harry was interrupted by the girls all cooing at this comment. Dudley silently panicked. He had never worked on a musical number with Harry. What the deuce was his cousin talking about?
"And so, without further ado," Harry continued, throwing his arms around Dudley's shoulders, "We present an edited version of the song 'Awfully Different' from the Family Guy episode 'Road to Europe.'"
"Harry," Dudley hissed, as catchy music began to play out of nowhere, "How am I supposed to perform in a musical number I've never practiced before?"
"Oh, relax Dudley. The whole point of musicals is spontaneity, fun, and fabulousness! It'll come to you! Just follow your heart!"
Even Dudley knew that a perfectly performed musical took months of rehearsing, but he knew better than to argue with Harry when his sassy gay cousin was in this sleep-deprived, not fully sane state. Dudley sighed and prepared to make a complete fool of himself, like he always did around Mandy. At least he would still have a sassy gay friend to comfort him and assure him that he had at least looked fabulous while acting like a complete buffoon.
Harry began to sing, and Dudley quickly picked up on the lyrics and melody so that their voices blended seamlessly together.
"You and I are,
So awfully different,
Too awfully different,
To ever be pals"
OK, so far, so good. If he could just sing with Harry through the rest of this little number, he should do all right. However, Harry had to ruin his feelings of relief by asking "Do you want to go first?"
Dudley couldn't back down from that challenge, not with Mandy watching. He had to man up and perform the best musical number Little Whinging had ever seen. "Yeah, I'll go," Dudley replied determinedly. Then, he sang the first thing that came to his mind:
"You say that Tyler
Should end up with Jack"
Flashback! Clarifying flashback!
Dudley remembered well the debate the two of them had after watching Fight Club. He remembered Harry's disappointed squeals when it turned out that the average-looking narrator (officially nameless, but often known as Jack) and the blond, handsome Tyler Durden turned out to be the same person. Harry was particularly crushed as he had spent half the movie (when he wasn't giggling with joy over the shirtless, sweaty dudes rolling around fighting) enthusing over what a cute (if dysfunctional) couple Tyler and Jack made.
When Jack had finally vanquished Tyler (to Harry's anguished moans of "Noooooooooooo! He's too pretty to die!") and ended up with Marla, Harry was numb. He gazed at the credits rolling across the screen, no longer showing any signs of anger or sadness. Instead, he said in a calm, teacher-like tone: "I believe this movie sends the wrong message."
"Why?" Dudley had asked. "Is it because of the excessive violent scenes, heavy sexual content, glorification of rebellion, and material inappropriate for young children such as ourselves?"
"Pffft... of course not. Don't be ridiculous!" Harry replied. "I'm simply saying that the end of the movie, wherein the undeniably homosexual Jack kills off his better half to be with the psychotic bitch Marla Singer, gives false hope to fag hags everywhere. I worry about this movie getting the attention of women who have unrealized crushes on their gay male best friend. If the viewer is not entirely sane, she could find herself yearning for the perfect Marla Singer ending."
"So you're saying that crazy women who have crushes on gay men will think the key to a happy ending is to have said crush kill their roommate/live-in lover? The gay Prince Charming will then turn to the woman, take her by the hand, and stand with her as they stare out the window at a bunch of buildings exploding?" Dudley asked, just to clear things up.
"Yeah," said Harry simply. "The women I'm talking about would have to be pretty crazy. But it could happen! It could totally happen!"
"Whatever," Dudley said, deciding not to push it. After all, Harry had been pretty supportive of Dudley's theories on My Immortal back in chapter three.
Ahhh... Flashback humor. Now back to the song.
"That's totally canon!" Snapped Harry. Then, he sang:
"Their little spat was
Just a minor setback!"
"Oh, you mean the 'spat' where Tyler ended up with a bullet in his neck?" Dudley clarified.
"Yes exactly," said Harry. Then he continued to sing:
"I've a style flair,
Just look at my hip hair!" he crooned, whilst running his fingers through his perfectly coiffed locks.
"Yeah that's quite a nice do, there," Dudley admitted.
"Oh, thanks," Said Harry, grinning modestly.
"For NOOGIES!" Dudley continued, attempting to grab his cousin and give him one of his famous noogies. Seriously, his noogies were, like, legendary around Little Whinging. Harry gracefully dodged his cousin while making it look like a well-practiced dance move.
"There's not
A whole lot
That we've got
To agree on," both cousins sang.
"Cause I care deeply about rugby scores," Dudley explained.
"And I like those singers who look like whores," Harry finished.
"Ricky Martin, K-Fed, and Justin Bieber?" Dudley asked, not caring that these three singers obviously didn't belong to the same cultural timeline.
"Love 'em," Harry confirmed.
"We're too different to ever be pals," Harry and Dudley chorused. "You and I are," they continued.
The girls began acting as their back-up dancers. "Doo-doo-doo," sang Harry's girlfriends as they swayed in the background.
"So awfully different," Harry and Dudley continued.
"Doo-doo-doo," chorused the girls.
"Too awfully different," the cousins belted out.
"Doo-doo-doo!"
"To ever be pals!"
"Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-yoo, doo-doo!"
"Your wear enough hairspray
To stop a hurricane!" Dudley informed his cousin.
"It's good to be prepared," Harry replied with dignity. Then he sang:
"You have big muscles,
Instead of a brain!"
Dudley almost chuckled at the sassy insult, but that would have broken character. Instead, he sang:
"Won't it be dandy,
If you could date Tangy?" He asked, referring to the neon-orange scarf always wrapped loosely around his cousin's neck. Because, Harry had a bond with that stupid little accessory. A connection so deep that nobody else could possibly understand it.
"That would be cool," Harry admitted. He would have considered this option if his heart did not exclusively belong to Piers' hunky elder brother. He just hoped the teenager would realize it, already.
"You may think,
We're in sync," Harry and Dudley sang together.
"But we stink as a duo!" They continued.
"Cause you're full of fabulous fashion tricks!" Dudley told his cousin.
"Not to mention my fondness for very large..." Harry began.
"Whoa! You can't say that in the school talent show!" Said Dudley.
"What? Muscles?" Harry asked innocently.
"Never mind," said Dudley, shaking his head.
"We're too different to ever be pals!" The cousins, who were ironically the best of pals, concluded.
The girls applauded enthusiastically. "That was brilliant, you guys," Mandy squealed. Dudley felt himself going red at the praise.
The group continued chatting about fashion, celebrity gossip, and Broadway musicals until dusk fell. As instructed, Dudley followed Harry's lead in these conversations. Thanks to Dudley's classroom-honed skill of faking knowledge whenever he could and keeping his mouth shut when he couldn't, an observer would never have guessed that Dudley really had no idea what he was talking about. He wound up sitting on the grass next to Mandy. At some point during the conversation, he casually put his arms around Mandy's shoulders. To Dudley's surprise, she didn't pull away or yell at him or anything. In fact, she put her arm around Dudley's shoulders as the conversation went on. Dudley, who had only been listening with half an ear, zoned out completely as he and Mandy held each other in a friendly embrace. He couldn't believe that all it took to get a girl to like him was a makeover and pretending to know about fashion. But then, he should have guessed. Harry loved fashion and makeovers, and Mandy was always hanging out with him.
The sun was setting, so the group started to split up and go home. Soon, only Harry, Dudley, and Mandy were left. "I should be getting on," Harry yawned, while giving Dudley a subtle wink. "It's been a long day."
So Dudley was left to chat with Mandy about inconsequential things. Eventually, it began to grow dark, and she said she needed to go inside. Dudley walked her to her door. He could practically hear his sassy gay cousin's voice in his head: "Now's your chance, you stupid bitch! Do something romantic! Sweep her off her feet!"
So, without further ado, Dudley bent over slightly to give Mandy a quick kiss on the lips. After a confused pause, Mandy kissed back, and Dudley thought he would explode from happiness.
They pulled apart and gazed at each other silently. Dudley, desperate to break the awkward silence, said "You taste like MiO."
Mandy giggled. "What?"
"Your lips tasted like Fruit Punch MiO," Dudley clarified, silently cursing Harry's influence on him, not to mention his seemingly endless supply of the addicting beverage.
"That's what Harry said whenever he kissed me," Mandy laughed.
"What? When did Harry kiss you? Harry likes guys!"
"We were little kids," Mandy explained, "Six years old. We both wanted to know what it was like to kiss someone else, so we gave it a try."
"Oh." Dudley guessed that a gay guy, even one as obviously flamboyant as his cousin, at least had to try kissing girls before he decided that he liked guys.
"I've always liked spending time with you, Dudley, but you always seemed so shy," Mandy said. "I'm glad your cousin helped you come out of your shell."
"Yeah, Harry's really good at giving makeovers and advice and stuff," Said Dudley. "Um... do you want to kiss again?" He leaned forward hopefully.
"I can't, Dudley," Said Mandy. Dudley's face fell. Was he really that bad of a kisser. "I mean, I can't give myself false hope like that," Mandy clarified. "I know better than to expect the perfect Marla Singer ending with you, and I can't stand to have my heart broken."
"Harry's told you his Fight Club theory, too?" Dudley asked.
"Yes," Mandy giggled. "He had to bring over a copy of the video so I could understand what he was talking about, but once I saw the movie, I thought his theory was brilliant. I mean, Tyler and the Narrator were so obviously in love with each other. But that stupid Marla Singer had to ruin it."
They both laughed, though Dudley didn't find Harry's theory as brilliant as Mandy apparently did. As original as it was to apply it to Fight Club, it still sounded like something that a slash-loving fangirl (or someone sharing that mindset) would come up with.
Still, he couldn't dwell on the artistic debate he was having with his cousin. He had a confusing conversation with a girl to navigate through.
"Well of course you won't get a 'Perfect Marla Singer ending,'" Said Dudley. "Harry is not the leader of an anarchistic cult, I'm not a repressed thirty year-old, neither of us are planning to blow up any credit card companies, and we're both clearly different people."
"I know all that," Said Mandy. "I meant the other thing."
"What other thing?" Dudley asked puzzled.
"I mean about you. I can see it clearly now. The new clothes, the hair, the periwinkle scarf..."
"It's name is Peri," Said Dudley, fiddling with the scarf, just as he had often seen Harry play with Tangy.
Mandy smiled, although it did not reach her eyes. Dudley thought that she was about to start crying. He patted her on the shoulder awkwardly. "What can you see about me?" He asked.
"I know now that you like guys," Mandy said quietly. "As much as I like you, I can't turn into Marla Singer and ruin your chance at a fabulous lifestyle with a charming, handsome roommate."
Dudley had nothing against gays, but this was getting annoying fast. "I'm NOT gay!" He yelled. "I let Harry give me a makeover and pretended to know shit about fashion and musicals because I wanted you to like me. I like girls. No, that's a lie. I like you."
"Oh, Dudley," Mandy squealed, throwing her arms around him and kissing him on the cheek. "That's the sweetest thing a straight guy has ever done for me!" Dudley grinned and blushed.
"Are you doing anything tomorrow?" Dudley asked.
"That depends," Mandy said, "Want to shop for clothes with me? I know a store that sells the cutest tops."
Dudley's mind quickly waged war between his desire to spend time with Mandy and the fact that he had had enough of fashion to last him a lifetime. Musicals were okay when he was the one performing, but if Dudley had to think about patterns or color coordination again, he would scream.
Mandy smirked at the look on Dudley's face. "Or," she said. "We can go see the soccer game at the new stadium. Not many people know this about me, but I'm a die-hard West-Ham fan."
Dudley felt like his grin would split his face open. "I'd love to," he said.
"It's a date, then," Mandy grinned. They both blushed at her words. Mandy then gave Dudley a quick peck on the lips and was about to go inside when Dudley put a hand on her shoulder.
"I want to give you something," said Dudley. He unwound Peri the fabulous blue scarf from his neck and put it on Mandy. "This scarf isn't really me. I figured it would look good on you," Dudley explained. "We have the same color eyes, so Peri should match your eyes, too. The way Harry was talking about it, it seemed important for clothes to bring out your eyes."
"Oh, Dudley! It's beautiful! Thank you!" squealed Mandy.
You're beautiful, Dudley wanted to say, but he felt that would be too cheesy. Instead he said, "Cool. See you later," and hurried home to tell Harry the news.
Another chapter done! I can't believe how popular this story has gotten. I intended to have stuff about Harry's crush (Piers' still unnamed older brother), but that just made the chapter too long. I'll use Harry's crush as the plot of a chapter at some point.
Lately I've been mixing Harry Potter and Fight Club together to see what comes out. It fascinates me. Check out my latest HP/Fight Club crossovers:
"Momma Loves Her Baby" (where Harry is raised by Tyler Durden and Project Mayhem. As he gets older, Harry begins to wonder who his mother is and is given a variety of explainations. Contains humor, Tyler/Angelface slash, and hurt/comfort.)
"End of the Innocence," A plotless one-shot in which Dumbledore notices that eleven year-old Harry has a crush on Tyler Durden. Dumbledore reminisces on his infatuation with Gellert Grindelwald which caused him to be seduced by darkness. Angst ensues as he predicts Harry's crush leading him down a similar path and he realizes there is nothing he can do to prevent this. It's AU in that Harry ran away at nine years old and has been living with Tyler.