They're eighteen and Santana knows they have their whole lives ahead of them, but to her it feels like this is the only moment that matters. Puck drives the car too fast. She knows he's been taking drugs since probably last night. She hadn't seen him since they woke up next to each to other two mornings ago. It used to bother her when she knew that he was with other girls, but now she didn't care. She knew in the end he was her's, not romantically, but in everything that really mattered he loved her most. Now they drive to one of the parties of one of his girls. She lives in a massive house by the water, not as massive as Santana's but she can still appreciate the grandeur. As soon as they enter the house with its pulsing music and sweating teens Puck peels off to another room, not before pointing her in the direction of the alcohol. She watches him out of the corner of her eyes as he places a dime bag in an attractive brunettes hand as he salaciously kisses her cheek. She smiles because she doesn't know what else to do and makes her way into the kitchen, pouring herself an ample offering of vodka with a side of red bull. She feels eyes on her but doesn't pay it any mind, eyes are always on her. It's still incredibly hot outside so people congregate around the pool. Alcohol and swimming, what a wonderful combination. She takes a sip of her drink, only cringing a little bit at the bite. She has this feeling that she'll never see these people ever again and this is the first time she's seen most of them. It makes her sad. She doesn't know why. These are Puck's people and that's ok, but she doesn't have any people here other than him. This isn't where she belongs, she knows that, her abuela says it to her all the time. She's worth more, but still she always follows Puck here like she's looking for something, like there's a destiny waiting for her that will one day fall into her lap.

And then it does, destiny that is, in the form of Brittany S. Pierce. That's who's been watching her with hooded blue eyes. She doesn't come up to her until Santana is three drinks in. She's danced with Puck for a little while until he goes off with a blonde girl named Quinn. She doesn't mind though, just continues dancing until she needs another drink. That's when Brittany offers her hand to her. "You dance really well." Just like that it's all over for Santana. She doesn't even feel the need to talk to anyone for the rest of her life as long as Brittany is there. They talk out on the dock, sharing a drink. Brittany tells Santana that she always sees her at the parties with Puck and everyone always wonders about her, especially Quinn, but then again mostly her.

It doesn't take very long, just five days, for Santana to sloppily remove her clothes in front of Brittany. She does have liquid courage and they're in a bathroom at one of her father's clubs. Brittany stops her before she completely removes her dress. "Not like this," she says. "We're special." Santana says that to herself at night forever after. We're special. Her mantra. Her reminder. We're special. She's embarrassed initially. Maybe we're special means that Brittany doesn't actually want her. But Brittany wants her she finds out two days later in her bedroom. It's like nothing she's ever experienced before. She feels like an addict after. Brittany is all she wants all the time.

She can't figure out if Brittany feels the same way even the we're special that she repeats does nothing to relax her as she tosses and turns in her over air conditioned room. It's been three weeks and they spend all their time together. Brittany works at the dance studio and Santana waits for her all day to get out. She starts picking her up after one and a half weeks. Then one day she takes a long time coming out and Santana finds herself watching Brittany dancing in a mirror in the studio. All the lights are out and she moves. She watches until Brittany sees her, her face reddening that she did not notice her before. "I love you," Santana blurts out in a tumble of nerves.

Brittany smiles, a massive stellar sun catching smile. "I knew I loved you before I even talked to you." How can Brittany say things so simply? Why did she have to wait for so long to notice the person watching her? She feels like she lost time with Brittany, like she should have been spending her whole life with her. When she expresses this to Brittany she puts it simply again, "Well we will spend the rest of our life together." Santana believes her.

Puck notices something around the second month, which shows his lack of awareness. It's not Brittany that he notices just the lack of Santana. This is when he starts to try to get her to hang out with him more. He's jealous. He doesn't know where she goes or who she's with even though he sees Brittany all the time. He doesn't connect it. She wishes she didn't like having Brittany as a secret from him. She wishes she could share it with the world.

When she tells her tia Eva she sobs, gut wrenching soul crushing sobs because somehow she knows what's coming. She knows it can't last. She's not one of those people where things can be all lovely and perfect.

She doesn't sleep for two months, not really at least, after she sees Brittany for the last time. She meets new friends at school and likes them enough. She meets a boy named Luke and after having sex she falls asleep for the first time, real deep sleep, but she feels horrifically guilty. She hates every part of her that he touched as she looks at herself in the mirror. She doesn't cry. She can't really do that anymore. She calls Brittany though. It's the only time that she breaks.

"Hello?"

"Britt."

"Santana?"

"I shouldn't have called." Brittany does not respond and they just listen to each other breath, like it's oxygen, like it's involuntary. Finally she says goodbye and Brittany says she loves her. So much. She doesn't respond. She doesn't say it back. We're special she thinks. Then she knows it's not true. We're not special, just Brittany. Brittany's the special one and she's just Santana.

She lay in bed for a while after the whole Ryder scenario. She tried to decide if she regretted it or not and decided she didn't. So that's how she got to thinking about Brittany, because really she was always thinking about Brittany. We're special. It was all such bullshit. But it wasn't and she knew that and she hated herself for doubting it for one second. She hadn't seen Brittany for a while. Brittany tried to call her, well she did call her, but Santana didn't answer.

She went through the motions. Sleep. Work. Puck. Family. Sleep. Work. Puck. Family. Sleep. It no particular order really. Then one day a few weeks after Santana told Brittany she just needed to hear her voice there's a call from her doorman. "There's a Brittany Pierce here to see you." And she doesn't know why the words come out of her to tell him to let her come up and she doesn't even know when she opened the door and she doesn't even remember how she ever forgot how beautiful Brittany was as she stood there in the doorway.

"I tried to stay away," Brittany said. "Not really though."

"I'm glad you didn't."

"Are you? I thought you'd say something melodramatic like my life is too complicated for you and you should stay away and go back and marry Sam."

"I should say all that."

"Why don't you?"

"I think I just need you right now."

"Santana…" There wasn't often that she thought she was making Brittany as weak and helpless as Brittany made her. In fact she couldn't remember a moment where she felt that way. But here as Brittany stared nervously at the ground she saw it. Brittany may have been just as weak as her when it came to them.

"You should come in. Are you hungry?"

"Maybe I was before."

"Before what?"

"Before you." The door somehow closed and they were just staring at each other. Santana broke the stare and she regretted it immediately. She wanted to stay in that moment forever while also never wanting it.

"I was going to make food before you came."

She faced the inside of the fridge, dumbly looking through her ingredients. Brittany lightly touched her hip, spinning her around and subtly pulling up her shirt to run her finger across Santana's ribs. "I don't like these."

"My ribs?"

"How did this happen?"

"Please stop."

"Stop what?"

"I just can't have you looking at me like that or touching me like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like I'm precious! Like I'm all that matters. I need you to stop making it so hard to say the things I should be saying to you."

"To send me away."

"Yes."

"To get me to marry someone else."

"Exactly."

"What if you let me make my own choices? I know that's incredibly crazy to you, but how about we try that out? Just for a little while because I'm sure you'll absolutely hate not being in control of one thing for one second."

"It's not a control thing it's a protectiong thing."

"I think you're scared."

"Of what?"

"Of me hurting you like you hurt me."

"I hurt myself more when I hurt you."

"Fuck you Santana. That's such bullshit."

"It's not! I did it because I love you and my dad threatened you!"

"What?"

"Nothing I just… I didn't mean to say that… I don't know what I'm talking about."

"Your father threatened me?"

"That's not what I meant to say. I got confused."

"I'm not scared of your father."

"Well you should be and it's not just him."

"So who is it? You have a whole gang of your extended family who want to kill me because I turned you into a lesbian?"

"Lesbian? Who said anything about it being about me being a lesbian?"

"Your family is Catholic Santana."

"Sort of. I mean in name, but not always in practice. It's not about that anyway. They want me to be happy, but there are certain parameters for that happiness and you and your family don't fit into those parameters."

"So my family is too poor and unimportant for your family? News flash I am marrying the son of the governor and they don't seem to have a problem with my family."

"It's not that."

"So is it because I'm white?"

"It's more complicated than that."

"Just tell me Santana! Be honest."

"I can't. I don't want to ruin everything."

"Everything you say is an attempt to ruin us."

"Your dad! Your dad works for the Fabrays."

"Yeah, he's their lawyer."

"Do you know what my father and Fabray do?"

"Your father is a doctor and sells medical equipment and they don't like each other because your father got a lot of people to stop buying from him."

"Is that the story your father told you?"

"Yes…"

"They run gangs Brittany. Your father is the lawyer for a mobster and my father and my family is their enemy, so my cousin did not take too kindly to our relationship, because it threatens our family. It's a weakness and I can't be weak."

"You're not weak."

"I am. Around you I am. If I had to choose between my family and you I always would choose you."

"You choose them all the time! Every time you reject me you choose them."

"Is that what you think? Every time I do something detrimental to our relationship it is because I am choosing you. I would rather you be safe than my family. I prioritise you. You're my first. You're my only."

"I suppose it is a bit complicated."

"I've only been saying that forever."

"So why didn't it matter when we first started seeing each other? You didn't care then."

"When my father found out he told me I had to end the relationship and I stayed away as long as I could. Then I saw you again. I tried so hard to avoid that moment when I saw you again."

"You do love me then?"

"You doubted it?" Then for the first time Brittany broke, tears streaming down her face. "God, no, no, please don't cry. Of course Brittany, of course I love you. You don't believe me when I say it? Or when you and I are together? I love you so much I can't even describe it. You complete me. You own me."

"I just love you so much."

"But now you see? Now you see why I have to let you marry Sam, because my family needs to see it, especially Umberto. El es loco!"

"He's crazy."

"You've been practicing your Spanish."

"For you."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For understanding."

"Well you explained. You have never explained before. You're so scared of losing me that you spend most of your time pushing me away. It's amazing that I'm still in love with you really."

"So you are?"

"Always. We're special Santana. I always meant that."

"You remember."

"Always."