Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

Chapter IV: Heart Of Anxiety

Heaving while taking deep breaths of air, Sakura leaned on her two knees to catch her breath. Her heart was exhausted and her entire body was trembling. She didn't know how far she had run and how much, but her body told her to stop. Stop running. 'I can't,' she sighed, admitting her defeat to herself. Letting her knees go, she fell down on to the soaking wet grass. The muddy pillow underneath her gave in and she could feel herself fall deeper into the earth as she turned herself around to lie on her back. Hearing her heart pound in her ears while her eyes aimlessly watched the dark clouds slowly drift off, further away from her.

It had stopped raining about a half-hour ago but that hadn't stopped her from running. Sakura was certain that she was still in the Land of Fire, just outside of Konoha. 'I don't want to go back…'

What is wrong with me lately? I can't get the both of you out of my head. I keep looking around for one of you… I keep thinking I'm failing you. I did everything I vowed myself to do, I take care of my loved ones, or at least I'd like to think I do so… I've become a great medic. I am doing my very best but… It feels like I'm running in circles...

A memory flashed before her eyes. 'I think you'll be a fine medic…'

Another sigh left her mouth. You knew me better then I knew myself, the first minute you laid your eyes on me. Harsh, mean and at times just plain cruel, you raised me to become who I am today.
I promised I would wash away your pain and sorrow… Sakura sat up, her elbows leaning on her knees. She could remember a faint memory of her sitting the exact same way with him by her side.

'I don't know what I'm doing in all honesty. I feel… trapped. Trapped by everyone and everything,' she said out loud, as if the person she was thinking of was sitting right beside her. 'I don't know if this is home…' She muttered while looking around. 'I remember home being different. Are you mad at me for thinking what my life would've turned out if you hadn't taken me with you?'

She felt tears prick in her eyes.

'Don't cry…' said a soft voice. 'I really hate it when you cry.'

'Me too,' she nodded. 'I promised myself I would stop crying… But I can't help it.'

She tried to think of the first time the kind hearted-boy had said that to her, in his kind sweet innocent voice. But for the life of her, she couldn't remember. Some memories have blurred… She quietly admitted to herself. I'm sorry, she apologized.

Though the image of them appeared clear in front of her eyes, silently wishing she could see them again. 'But I do,' she told herself wisely. 'Everyday, in the hospital, at school, at the orphanage… I see people just like you.'
It was strange to slowly see them disappear again, while seeing other people take their "place".
She let out another sigh, her imagination was running wild again. Getting up from the grass, feeling water tickle her skin while sliding down. She was drenched from head to toe, feeling her body react appropriately by shivering violently. She looked down at her hands covered in mud.
Hearing a creek nearby, she walked towards is to clean them.
She noted that she found water drifting away freely had much more calming effect on her then the harsh rain from before.

Staring at herself in the surface of the water, she saw how mud was practically covering her entire face too. Probably from trying to stop those pesky tears from falling, she thought to herself.

Kneeling down, she washed her face with the cold water, feeling her body revitalize. Taking a deep content breath of fresh air, she could feel herself center again. Becoming peaceful and calm again.
But I can't keep running… I have to face the truth…

She was so close to becoming that darker version of herself again. Sasuke brought out a part of her she hated. The needy, hollow version of a girl yearning some attention and touches…
She didn't want to go back to that, though only very few knew of the dark path she had walked on. It was not the solution she was looking for. '… but I feel so alone.' She admitted to herself in whisper.

Staring into her own green eyes, another faint memory came to mind.

'You are someone who is an outcast, an underdog, someone who is lost in the system of Shinobi. You do not belong here nor there, you are not on the side of wrong or right, you are a symbol of nothingness.' The silence hung in the air for a moment before he continued. 'But fighting for what you truly believe in, makes you more of a Shinobi then most.' He gave her a sad smile, 'But nevertheless we are lost ones.'
'Lost ones…' She muttered, taking in the information and the deep meaning of his words.

'Lost ones,' she repeated. Her sorrowful green eyes widened. 'Now I'm just like you. I even have eyes like yours… I realize what I meant to you just now…' She halted, thinking of what this meant.
What he had said to her at one point. '…being something in someone's life…'
'I need someone too. Something to fill the empty void…' Her voice trembled, realizing that he and his partner could not fill that void. Dead people will not make you feel alive, no matter how much you think of them.

There were no patients, no charity, nothing that seemed to be able to fill the gap in her heart and everyday it killed her little bit more. She felt stupid for being so needy but the older she grew, the bigger the ache became. It was becoming unbearable.

'I just want to run… I want to run away from here… I think…' She didn't know who she was talking to, be it the men in her dreams or just her plain old self, 'I think it is time I go back.'

Kakashi stared outside of his window, watch the heavy rain pour endlessly. He couldn't stop thinking of her. She seemed so happy. So, carefree…

And yet, he didn't believe his own eyes. She was deceiving as ever, hiding her true feelings. Smiling when she truly wanted to frown. Sasuke's return should've brought her some happiness but instead it seemed to confuse her even more. His attention wasn't unwanted but… he could tell she wasn't interested. Not the way a young woman of her age should be. Most women would be flattered, thrilled by excitement. Her eyes lacked every aspect of that, instead she looked calculated, a little manipulating even. She was only hoping he would lighten the burden… just for the night.

It was painful to see her like that… not that he could deny being like that himself. He let out a sigh, staring at the plastic bag in his hands containing her pink locks. He was still so overprotective of her.
'…it's a little sickening,' he muttered to himself in third person.

The truth of the matter was she didn't need him. She never had.
It had surprised him, her maturity after the kidnapping and even more during the war. She was nothing like the girl they stole out of his life. 'You need to let go of her, Kakashi,' he said to himself on a serious tone.

Yet whenever I see her, I can't help but think she is all the reason I cannot become the next Hokage. Look at the mess I've made… I failed so many people.
Comrades… Rin, Obito. Students. Naruto. Sasuke.
The people of this very village. The massive ruins after the attack of Pain flashed through his mind.

I failed at it all… I'm a useless piece of… 'Scum, no matter how you put it.'

If he could, he would go back to ANBU. Forget everything and just… complete missions. He thought of crude scenes and bloody bodies. That was never going to happen, not after the mess he made. The only reason why he was still candidate for Hokage was because of the war. No, he frowned. That wasn't the reason at all. It is simply because Naruto is too young for the moment. You're just second choice, needed to fill the gap between the fifth and the seventh.

He closed his eyes for a moment, hearing the water pour against glass of the window. Turning away, he stumbled towards his bed, letting himself fall on it, tired of the same old thoughts haunting him.
The plastic little bag was still in his hands. He stared at it for the longest time.

Though he hated to admit it, loneliness was getting to him. His students were all grown up now. Friends had settled down and it seemed better times were up ahead. He felt a little lost in this new world.

He couldn't remember the last time he had felt alive. A thrilling feeling of adrenaline rushing through his veins. Not that he ever had that feeling caused by simple things. It was always Shinobi-related.
Now that he thought about last time he felt like that was… When I was chasing the two of you.
The tall muscular man and the smiling boy came to his mind, making hate fill his heart.
'I was ought to save Sakura…' he whispered in defeat.

Now he was thinking about her again. 'Damn it…'

He turned himself around and tucked the little plastic bag in the pocket of his jacket, though it was an attempt to make his mind not wander in that direction again, it was foolish to place in that same spot he had kept it all these years, close to his heart. He crossed his arms and put them behind his head, staring at the ceiling. The rain still pouring against his window. Kakashi allowed his mind to imagine how his life would be if he fled from all his troubles, but immediately came to the conclusion he would have nowhere to go. A darker, more sinister part of him, was starting to wish for something to happen… anything to make himself useful again.

Sorry for the short chapters but this way I can update frequently (and have some control over the plot since I'm still writing out the story). Next chapter will be more exciting!

How do you like the cover? Fanfiction's image-editor doesn't work for some reason… I still think it looks good, though. Let me know, ok?

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