I should have come back. I know this, now. But I was too afraid – too afraid of being hurt, of losing you again, too afraid of it all being my fault.
And every fear I had, I made true. By leaving you I brought a world of hurt into being. But I can handle the hurt. What I can't handle is the look in your eyes when you see me. It's the look of a man who's given up. It's the look of a man who knows he's dying but wont fight to live. And it's a look that says 'you did this'.
There's nothing I can say that will make that look go away. Not anymore. And you'll never know how sorry I am for that.
But every time I see you, it's a reminder. A reminder that I can't save everyone. That I always lose the ones I love. But you can't see that, only me. Look at Rose! Look at the Time War! Look at the people who's lives I've hurt. I didn't want to do that to you, Jacky. I thought if I left you'd…but I was wrong.
I can't look at you, because it hurts too bad. I know what I've done to you. I'll never forget.
Every time you look at me I see pain in your eyes. A pain so deep that it must cut straight to your heart. And I did that.
But it's when you think I'm not looking that your eyes hurt me. Because you look at me like a lost child, empty of hope and devoid of all emotions but despair.
Just like the void.
I looked into the void and it looked back and Jacky, its eyes were just like yours. Ancient despair, old and empty. Full of knowledge, knowledge that hurts, that claws. That rips you apart from the inside. Dark, angry and utterly alone.
And I did this to you.
I, who destroyed worlds. I, who destroyed nations. I, the slayer of thousands. I, the Oncoming Storm. I, who lived up to my name.
Because just like a storm, I came and ripped your life apart. Floods like tears, lightning that breaks the heart, hail to chill the blood, freeze the emotions. And thunder, the steady sound of drums that draws ever closer, the noise as I make you fall apart.
I didn't come back because I was too afraid – afraid of being hurt, of losing you, of it all being my fault. I was afraid of what would happen if you pushed me away.
But I was more afraid of what would happen if you didn't.