I used to think that when I reached a certain age, that mythical time when I finally became an adult, I would finally have the answers. I would know what I was supposed to do and who I was supposed to be, I thought that being an adult meant that life would be easy. I now know just how wrong I was, not only do I not know the answers but I'm no longer certain what the questions are.
I know I shouldn't have agreed to meet with Craig. I had vowed to keep my distance, both to give him time to think and also to stop me from blurting out something I shouldn't. I needed Craig to decide on his own, to choose to be with me because that was what he wanted, but the waiting was killing me and so when he called, a week after our last meeting, and said he wanted to see me I found myself agreeing even before I had time to think. The idea of seeing Craig again instantly overruled my common sense, but at least I managed to retain enough of it to insist on meeting somewhere public. I couldn't risk being alone with him, I didn't think my self control would hold out any longer.
As I entered the small coffee bar I instantly saw Craig already seated towards the back of the room, it wasn't so much that I knew where he was going to be sitting but rather some instinct that drew my attention towards him the second he was close. Right from the start I had always been aware of him being near by even before I could see him, as if the atoms of my body vibrated to a different rhythm because of his very presence.
Craig smiled as I approached, his deep chocolate eyes sparkling and somehow seeming to reflect something more magical than the plain fluorescent lighting that hung in strips across the white washed ceiling.
The coffee bar was a simple place, small with a basic décor of dark oak tables and white linen table cloths, but there was something about it I had always loved, something intimate and comforting, like going back to somewhere you had always known.
"I'm not late am I?" I asked as I pulled out the dark wooden chair and seated myself across the table from the man I loved.
"No, I was early," Craig replied, a small blush colouring his cheeks a delicate pink, I was somewhat relieved to see he seemed as nervous as I was. It felt like a first date and I felt like a clumsy teenager.
Resting my hands on the bright white of the table cloth I searched for something to say, I couldn't stand looking at him but then I couldn't stand not to, my head was in a turmoil of emotions that I didn't know what to do with.
Craig reached out one hand, pausing when it was only a fraction from mine, not quite making contact and the action reminded me of the boy I had once known, the boy who had been unable to touch me in public for fear of what it might mean.
But Craig wasn't that boy any longer and, with a smile that melted my very soul with the fire it ignited inside me, his hand gripped tightly onto mine, the heat of his skin burning me, branding me as his.
"I'm sorry," Craig said quietly.
"What for?" I asked, if anyone seated at that table should have been apologising it wasn't Craig. I was the one keeping secrets, holding back something that he deserved to know.
"For everything," Craig replied, his hand never loosening its grip on mine, not even when the waitress brought over our coffees. "I assumed you still drank it the same," Craig said with a nod towards the steaming cups.
"Yeah," I answered not moving my gaze from Craig's face, at that moment I couldn't have cared less if we had been served cups of heated mud, it wasn't the coffee I was there for.
He was so beautiful, his eyes have always been the most captivating things I have ever seen and I think I could happily spend the rest of my life doing nothing but staring into them. With a smile I remembered a time, back in Dublin, when I told Craig he was beautiful. In the typical style of the man who could never quite understand how amazing he was Craig had blushed deeply before throwing several cushion at my head. The play fight that followed had left us both breathless and laughing as I lay on top of Craig staring not only into that beautiful mans eyes but directly into his soul.
We had sat up slowly, moving as one without speaking a word, peeling off each others clothes while doing our best to never break eye contact. Craig's hands against my bare skin had made my whole body tremble as a wave of uncontrollable emotion washed over me, over us both, our mouths meeting gently but firmly in a kiss of growing intensity.
We made love slowly that day, every touch and every kiss feeling as if it was lasting an eternity, there had been no need to rush because we had a lifetime. We believed we had a lifetime.
"John Paul?" Craig's voice pulled me from my thoughts and I refocused my gaze back onto the eyes that were staring at me curiously.
"Sorry," I said, I could feel my cheeks heat up with both a hint of embarrassment but also with the passion that the memories had stirred within me.
"You were miles away…"
"I was just thinking…"
"Of?"
"You… us… when we were in Dublin…"
"That time you said I was beautiful?"
"How did you know?"
"I've been thinking about it too…"
"Craig you are beautiful." I smiled as Craig looked away shyly, I couldn't help but wonder what it was that man saw in the mirror if it wasn't the incredible beauty that I could see before me.
"I should never have gone," Craig said quietly, his voice breaking with emotion and regret.
"I should never have let you," I replied. I will never understand how giving up had been so easy for us when we had fought so hard just to be together. We had gone through so much but when it came to the crunch we just hadn't been strong enough, I wondered if we would be this time or even if we would have the chance to find out. "You might have been the one to leave Craig but I was just as responsible for what happened as you…"
"There were so many times I wanted to come back and find you again," Craig said, "I nearly did a couple of times… but then I… I…"
"You met Helena?"
"It was simpler… I don't mean that I didn't… don't… love her but… it was just easier…"
"Less complications?"
"At first anyway," Craig laughed, a little sadly, as he gripped my hand tightly, his thumb brushing gently over my skin.
"The IVF?" I asked sympathetically. I can still remember the pain of my older sister when she was told she would never be able to have children, it wasn't something I would ever wish on anyone.
"It's taken so much… money, time, heartache… and Helena wanted it so much…"
"What about you?"
"What do you mean?"
"You said Helena wanted it… what about you?" I tilted my head to one side as I observed Craig considering my question.
"When we first started talking about kids it was like 'Yeah of course… that's what you do'… but then when we found out we couldn't… I didn't know how hard it would be and it's all my fault."
"Craig this sort of thing is nobody's fault," I said reassuringly.
"No," Craig replied with a shrug, "I mean it's my fault we can't… I'm the one who… who can't…"
"Oh I… I see…"
"I caught mumps you see," Craig explained, "It must have been… two years after I left Dublin? I never even thought at the time, I mean they tell you the risks and what it might mean but you never really think it'll be YOU… and then…"
"I'm sorry…"
"Maybe it was a blessing in disguise," Craig said, his gaze suddenly steady as he looked at me with such intensity that had I not been seated I would surely have felt my legs buckle.
"How do you mean…"
"I thought… I thought I was happy," Craig said slowly, "I thought I had the life I wanted… but now…"
"But now?" My heart was beating so loudly in my chest that I felt sure everyone must be able to hear it. He was going to say it, I was so sure of that fact, he wanted me, he was choosing me and then I could tell him and everything would be alright. I held my breath waiting for Craig to talk again.
"But now I see you and I… I know that what I've got is nothing compared to what I had and… John Paul I…"
A peel of laughter as the door to the coffee bar opened drew my attention from Craig's words, the sound annoying me as it seemed crass and out of place at such a time, making me turn and direct a scowl towards the door. I gasped as I spotted the coffee bar's new customers, my reaction making Craig follow the direction of my gaze.
I don't know if Craig noticed Nathan's hands holding onto Helena's waist as they walked towards us, falling away the instant they spotted us, just as Craig's hand had pulled back from mine, but then my reaction had been the same as I snatched my hand back from him.
"Craig!" Helena said in an all too cheery voice as she approached our table and kissed his cheek lightly. "What a coincidence…"
Nathan looked at me steadily, I could tell he was willing me to keep my silence and I had no intentions of breaking my promise regardless of how uncomfortable I felt, how wrong. Torn between the man I loved and the friend I loved, whatever I chose to do would be wrong for one of them all I could do was hope that it would work out in the end, what other option did I have?
"What are you doing here?" Craig asked, his gaze darting between his wife and my friend, making me wonder if he knew, if he could tell.
"I was just out shopping when I bumped into Nate," Helena lied as she pulled up a chair beside her husband, "He asked me if I fancied going for a coffee… and who should be here but you two…"
"Yeah we were… we were just… you know… catching up…" Craig said, his hand rubbing nervously at the back of his neck, a habit that had always made me smile. Craig Dean was such a terrible liar but Helena didn't seem to notice her husband's unease as her attention was focused on the man who was now sat beside me.
"That's nice," Helena said, nodding as Nathan ordered her coffee without stopping to ask what she wanted. My eyes darted towards Craig, so many clues and yet he seemed oblivious, I wanted him to notice, to confront them and to let me off the hook but he didn't. Maybe his own feelings of guilt made him unable to spot what was right in front of him or maybe it was only so obvious to me because I already knew the truth.
With a sigh I picked up my coffee cup and wondered just how long I would have to stay there before I could make my excuses and leave.
My eyes were closed as I lay back on my sofa listening to the first pressing of the new CD by the band once called RodeoTraffik and now finally renamed "Fourtee-Two", a name I wasn't sure was much of an improvement but Alan had liked it and so it had stayed.
The music pulsed through my body as I tried to let the boom of the bass wash away my thoughts. I had given Nathan and Helena two weeks to come clean and time was nearly up, one more day and then I had to either tell Craig the truth or… or what?
The beeping of my phone pulled me from my reverie and I smiled sadly as I saw a message from Nathan.
"Can I come round?"
I couldn't remember the last time my friend had asked if he could visit, but since the very moment I had discovered Nathan's secret things had changed. Our conversations had become strained and difficult, both of us constantly aware of the one subject we were avoiding and it was putting more and more distance between us. I missed my friend and I wanted him back.
"Of course," I replied.
It was less than two minutes later that my doorbell rang, Nathan had obviously already been on his way when he decided to check if I wanted to see him, I just wished he hadn't felt the need to text. What had happened to the friend who would let himself into my apartment without a second thought? Had I lost him now?
"Alright?" Nathan said as he crossed the threshold and wandered into my living room.
"Yeah… you?"
"Not bad…"
We both paused, looking at each other uncomfortably. I wanted to reach out and hug him but I couldn't manage to cross that gap between us.
"Fourtee-two?" Nathan asked with a nod towards my stereo where the CD was still playing, albeit at a reduced volume.
"Yeah…"
"They're pretty good…"
"Of course," I said with a laugh, "I recommended them."
Nathan grinned at me, a familiar grin that made him feel like my friend again, my friend that I could rely on and trust, my friend who had always been there for me and I hoped always would.
"Shit I'm sorry mate." Nathan took a step towards me, hesitated but then pulled me into an embrace so tight I could hardly breathe. "I know all this must be hell for you."
"It's not ideal for anyone," I panted when he finally let go. I smiled as Nathan ran his hands through his hair and then instantly turned to check his reflection in my mirror, straightening the style back into perfection.
"No… no it's not," Nathan agreed without turning back to face me, his eyes instead still focused in the mirror. "And I know… I mean… it's not like… shit…"
"Nathan what is it?"
"I don't want to… I mean I shouldn't…"
"Nathan," I said sternly as my nerves began to jangle, "Just tell me what the hell it is you're trying to say."
"Helena thinks she's pregnant."
Without response I fell back onto my sofa, my gaze was unfocussed and, although I knew he was still talking, I could no longer hear a single word that Nathan said.
Helena was pregnant. Of course she was. I wasn't even surprised to hear those words, somewhere deep inside they had been both the words I had been anticipating and dreading. There was no way life would be that kind to me, no way things with Craig were ever destined to work out. In my mind I was already packing for Los Angeles.
I picked up my phone without consciously registering that it had alerted me to a new text.
Craig's name on the screen made me smile, just as it always had, but not for much longer I didn't expect.
"I know what I want," his message said, "It's you John Paul, it's always been you. I'm gonna tell Helena tonight."
There it was. The thing I had been waiting for, the words I had wanted to hear, the proof that Craig Dean still loved me and still wanted me.
I replied quickly, the only way I could.
"Don't."
"John Paul?" Nathan's voice cut into my thoughts and I lifted my face to look at him. His brow was furrowed with concern and his dark eyes seemed to shimmer with understanding but for an instant all I wanted to do was hit him.
I was gripped with an overwhelming urge to launch myself from the sofa and, even as I looked at him, I could feel my hands ball into fists as my teeth ground together.
Nathan, my friend, the man I had always felt I could trust with my life, suddenly seemed like the enemy. I needed someone to blame, I needed someone to take my anger and frustration out on and he was the perfect target.
If he hadn't slept with Helena, if he hadn't left the bedroom door open so that I could find out, hell if he just hadn't told me about her pregnancy until after Craig had made his choice. But he did. He did all those things and because of it everything was in ruins.
I knew that blaming him was irrational but at that moment, as once again I saw my dreams crumbling before my eyes, rationality wasn't something I was concerned with.
I was on my feet in a flash, my fists at my sides, I could feel the tips of my nails beginning to cut half moon shapes into the palms of my hands as I began to shake with rage.
"Are you alright?" Nathan's voice was calm and gentle, his hand coming to rest on my shoulder lightly but with a shrug it was easily dislodged.
"I think you'd better go," I said quietly between gritted teeth.
"John Paul please…"
Shaking my head I turned away from my friend, loving and hating him in such equal measures that I didn't know what to do.
"Just get out… please just leave me alone…"
"John Paul I…" I could hear the resignation in Nathan's voice, he knew me well enough to know when he should just walk away and this was such a time. I was in no mood to be reasoned with and we both knew that his words wouldn't reach me. "I'll call you later…"
"Whatever," I replied as he walked away, not moving until I heard the sound of my front door closing behind him, at which point I collapsed back onto the sofa and buried my face in my hands.
There were no tears, I was sure that in time they would come, but at that moment an incredible feeling of numbness washed over me and I let it. I had no strength to fight it, and no reason to, the dream was over, just like a part of me always knew it would be.
Grabbing at my stereo's remote control I silence the music that had quickly turned into an annoyance, before hurling the remote across the room, watching as it hit the wall and the batteries tumbled from the cracked casing.
Lying back I closed my eyes and had every intention of staying exactly there until some physical need finally demanded my attention.
But after five minutes my peace was once again disrupted as my doorbell began to ring, not once or twice but over and over again until I had no option but to answer it.
"What?" I snapped into the telephone receiver that connected me to the outside intercom and my unwelcome visitor.
"It's me… let me in…" Craig's voice was breathless and, considering the distance he had had to travel I knew he must have done so at great speed.
"John Paul," Craig's voice came again when I didn't respond. "If you don't let me in right now I will ring every bell in this apartment block till someone does… hell I'll kick the fucking door in if I have to…"
With a sigh I pressed my thumb against the cold silver button that would simultaneously open the outer door whilst buzzing an indication that the lock had been released.
"What the fuck is that?" Craig said angrily as walked into my apartment and almost forced his mobile into my face. The screen was illuminated with one word, my text, "Don't."
Storming past me Craig stomped into the living room and threw his mobile onto the sofa before turning to face me. His once gentle brown eyes flashed with barely controlled rage and I took an involuntary step backwards as I saw the anger visibly flashing from them.
"I… I just though…" I began uncertainly. What could I tell him that would explain the situation?
"What John Paul?" Craig snapped, "Go on… what did you just think? For fucks sake… have you changed your mind… is that it? Is there someone else… Is it that Tony… is that what this is all about?" I could see the thoughts spinning through Craig's mind as his words tumbled over each other, searching for an answer.
"No," I assured him, "No it's nothing like that… but I… I was rushing you and…"
"Bollocks John Paul…" Craig said, his voice getting louder and angrier with each word, "That's just bollocks… if you don't want me anymore then just have the balls to say it to my face instead of fobbing me off like this…"
"Of course I do."
"Yeah… looks like…"
"I just… it's… for god's sake Craig it's not that simple… you're married and…"
"And I was married last week… and the week before that… tell me the fucking truth John Paul… I deserve that don't I?"
"But it's… it's complicated isn't it?" I said lamely.
Craig laughed, a bitter snort of a laugh as he shook his head. "When have we ever not been complicated?" He asked and I almost laughed, after all he did have a point. "Just tell me." Moving forward Craig was quickly before me, leaving me no route of escape as he backed me against the wall. "Tell me the truth John Paul… tell me you don't love me anymore…"
Craig's panting breath was hot against my face and my senses seemed strangely heightened. I could see the first hint of stubble on his chin, I could smell the blend of shower gel and aftershave that made a whole new fragrance, and I could see the longing, the pleading and the need to know deep in his eyes.
"I can't," I said quietly, not sure which part of his demand I was answering but knowing that my answer covered both.
"You wanted me to choose," Craig said, his voice suddenly soft and quiet, almost uncertain, "You wanted me to be sure… and I am… and now you say 'don't'… What's changed?"
"Nothing… everything… I… I don't know…"
"You're not making any sense…"
"I know… I'm sorry…"
"Tell me…"
"I... it's… it's just such a mess… It's not just about you and me is it… what about Helena… I mean what if…"
"What if?" Craig's voice grew stern and his gaze seemed to pierce into me, making me sure he could see through my lies. "We can't live our lives by 'what if' John Paul… Just answer me one thing… truthfully… please…"
I held my breath, of course there was no way he would ever be asking about Helena and Nathan but that didn't stop me feeling exposed as his hands touched my face uncertainly for a moment before resting palm flat against my chest.
"Do you still want me?" Craig's question stung me, my own betrayal had made him doubt me and for a moment I almost told him everything in a desire to free us from the lies that were taking him from me. But he was already lost to me, I had no claim on that man, someone else needed him now, his child needed him.
I needed him.
"John Paul?" Craig's hands gripped onto my shirt, bunching it in his fists as he stared unblinkingly at me. "Do you?"
"I…"
"Yes or no… easy as that…"
"I… I…"
"Oh for fucks sake!" Craig shoved his balled fists against my chest before pulling back and turning away, his fingers running furiously through his hair. "One word… is that so hard?"
Wheeling around quickly Craig's hands landed on the wall either side of my head, his face only inches from mine as he breathed his words hotly into my face.
"Just say you don't want me," Craig said in a deep husky voice, "And I'll go… you'll never see me again…"
The very thought made me want to scream, I'd lost him once, I couldn't do it again, I just couldn't.
"Craig…" I could hear my voice break as I whispered his name.
Over the past few years Craig had become a memory, a wonderful memory, but a part of the past that I never believed I would get to revisit, I never dreamed that he would be stood before me again, wanting me again. How could fate be so cruel as to bring him back into my life and then threaten to take him away in the next moment? Why did I have to be the one to lose out again? I might not be perfect, I would never claim that I am, but would Craig really be happy with Helena, baby or not, with a wife who could cheat on him so easily.
"Tell me," Craig growled, anger and passion blazing in the depths of his chocolate eyes.
"I…" There were no words. With words we could get ourselves tangled in a maze of confusion when what I wanted to say could easily be explained in another way.
Reaching my hands around the back of Craig's neck I pulled him to me and kissed him hard.
Our passion ignited intensely as our lips met, a deep growl rumbling in Craig's throat as he pressed his body against my, pinning me hard to the wall so that I couldn't move and could hardly breathe. But I had no need for breath when Craig was kissing my life back into me.
Craig's tongue searched my mouth as his hands pulled at my clothing, freeing my shirt so that he could claw at the naked flesh beneath.
My skin seemed to burn under his touch and I welcomed the fire that raged through my very veins.
Breaking from our kiss I lowered my mouth to Craig's neck, feasting on the sweetness of his flesh, my teeth sinking in deeply and biting so hard that I tasted the sharp metallic tang of blood, but still I didn't stop and Craig didn't ask me to stop, rather his moans of pleasure spurred me on as he began to pull at my belt, freeing the buckle and tearing open my jeans, making me cry out as his hand plunged inside and gripped onto my already fully aroused cock.
My heart was racing so hard it felt as if it should burst, each pass of Craig's fingers over the length of my erection making my whole body shudder with a desire that I had long since buried away.
I don't remember fighting my way into Craig's trousers but within seconds his thick delicious cock was in my hand, its weight familiar and exciting in my grip as I eased the foreskin back and forth, making him pant and moan into the renewed heat of our kiss.
"Tell me," Craig said suddenly, his hand pumping my exposed cock so hard and so fast that I felt sure I wouldn't be able to stop myself from coming at any moment, "Tell me you want me…"
"Craig," I panted, my voice shaking with a heady blend of love and desire, "I've never wanted anyone the way I want you…"
"Tell me you want me right now," Craig breathed, leaning closer into me as he pushed my jeans down over my hips before slipping one finger between my buttocks and teasing the rosebud of my ass. "Tell me you want me to fuck you… Say it John Paul…"
My breath was coming in sharp pants as Craig's finger probed at my hole, pushing into me little by little, his eyes burning into mine, the very sight of his lust enough to make my legs buckle.
"Craig Dean I want you to fuck me," I growled, the need to feel him inside me like nothing I had ever known before, it was an ache that only one man could satisfy, "Fuck me right now…"
With a stumbling movement Craig almost threw me across the room towards my sofa, where I barely had time to steady myself on its arm before he had parted the half moons of my ass cheeks and began to lick deeply at my puckered hole.
I couldn't hold back the moans of pleasure as the wet heat of Craig's tongue bathed me in such an intimate act. I could still remember the fist time Craig had licked me in such a way, he had been so uncertain, so nervous, but we had both been learning together what an increased turn on there was in making each other moan in that way, in making our lover so desperate to be fucked that they would beg for it.
"Craig please…" I whimpered, the need for his cock inside me now at fever pitch, "Please fuck me now… right fucking now…"
I heard Craig rise to his feet, the head of his cock brushing up and down between my buttocks, pausing at my wet hole before moving past.
"Craig…" I pleased, "Fuck me… please…"
"God I love it when you beg for it," Craig growled, his breath hot on my neck as he pushed the just head of his cock into me and then paused. "You really want me to fuck you?"
"Yes…" I insisted, my knuckles white on the arm of my sofa as I gripped onto it, "God please yes…"
"Like this?" With one hard thrust the length of Craig's cock was inside me, making me cry out with the sudden rush of pleasure and pain as the discomfort of the sudden invasion was soon replaced by the intense sensation of Craig's cock deep inside me again after so many years.
"Fuck I'd forgotten how good this feels," Craig moaned, his hands gripping onto my hips to steady himself as he began rock back and forth, slowly at first, making my legs shake as his cock slid in and out of me, every inch seeming to hit a new spot of pleasure, but it didn't take long before Craig was riding my ass hard and fast and still I was begging him to fuck me harder, until the sound of our naked flesh slapping together filled my whole apartment.
My whole body felt as if it had been wired up to the mains, blood no longer running through my veins as it was replaced by pure electricity and I had never felt so alive.
I was being fucked by Craig Dean, MY Craig Dean, and I knew that whatever happened I was going to fight to keep him. This time I was not just going to let him walk away.
"Do you think I can still make you come like I used to?" Craig asked tauntingly, one hand reaching around to fondle my cock as he fucked me so deep that he knew he was hitting the right spot even before I began to moan ever louder and pant out his name over and over again.
My whole body was shaking and I knew that I was going to come at any moment, nothing on earth could have stopped me because the man I loved was fucking me perfectly.
"Craig… yes… oh fuck…"
Craig's fingers tightened around my cock and, as he thrust deeply into me again, I had no resistance left, I cried out loudly as I came, my cock pulsing wave after wave, bathing Craig's hand until there was nothing left inside me and I felt completely spent.
"I love you John Paul…" Craig moaned as I felt his body shudder and he came inside me, thrusting deeply as he filled my ass with his heat as he collapsed breathless onto my back.
We stood motionless and panting for a few moments before Craig finally moved away from me and I instantly missed the closeness of his body.
Turning to face him I began to pull up my jeans as he fastened himself back inside his clothes.
"Craig I…" I didn't know what to say, there was so much but where would I begin?
"John Paul it's OK," Craig said with a smile that would have melted the polar ice caps, "Whatever it is… whatever has made you uncertain it's OK…"
"Is it?"
"Yeah…"
"Why?"
"Because from now on we're in this together… and nothing's going to change that…"
I smiled in a way I couldn't remember doing for so many years but whatever I was about to say was disrupted by the sound of my doorbell.
"Whoever it is get rid of them," Craig said with a grin.
"Hello?" I said into the receiver, my eyes still fixed on my lover.
"It's me…"
"Nathan not now…"
"Helena's with me… and we've seen Craig's car outside… John Paul we need to talk."
I closed my eyes for a second and sighed. I never thought Craig's words would be tested quite so soon.
Craig looked at me with an incomprehensible frown as I pressed the button that allowed my new visitors into the apartment block. Obviously he had expected me to send whoever it was packing and I had no words to explain why I hadn't done just that.
What was I supposed to say? 'Oh by the way your wife is on her way up with my friend, and they've secretly been shagging for weeks now… and congratulations you're going to be a daddy'. Of course I wasn't about to say anything like that. So I didn't say anything. Instead I avoided making eye contact with him and instead quickly checked that there was no "evidence" of what we had just been doing, straightening the sofa cushions for good measure.
"John Paul?" Craig began after a few awkward seconds, but thankfully before he could say more there was the sound of knocking on my door.
Helena and Nathan were just outside and the moment I let them in I knew that everything would change. I have never wanted to run and hide so much before in my life. But there was nowhere to run, I almost expected an ominous drum roll as I opened the door.
"John Paul," Nathan said with a nod of his head as he stepped into my apartment. I couldn't help but notice how he let go of Helena's hand as he entered.
"Nate," I replied, in an equally emotionless voice despite the terrible surge of feelings that were rolling through my chest. I wanted to push him out again, I wanted Helena not to be there, but most of all I just wanted to hold Craig and make believe that everything would be alright.
Helena walked silently past me and followed my friend into the living room. The expression on her face as she looked at Craig flickered between curiosity and concern and I realised she was trying to work out if I had told him about her affair, I don't know how many times in the following few minutes I would wish I had.
"So this is where you raced off to?" Helena said to Craig, her head tilted to one side slightly as she looked at him. Her mouth shone with a gentle pink gloss and her hair seemed to glisten in the beams of sunlight that were streaking through the window. I could understand how Nathan had fallen for her, how Craig had, and I was still unable to hate her. Resent her yes, I felt that in spades, but each one of us in our way had become a victim of circumstance and she was no more in the wrong for loving Nathan than Craig was for feeling that way about me. "You get a text and suddenly go racing off without a word."
"I said I was going out," Craig replied defensively, his hand going to his neck in a reflex action as he began to rub at it. Guilt was written all over his face and it made me feel ashamed. How could I have let this go on? How could I let him believe he was the only guilty party in the room when each of us was in fact guilty of the same crime to one degree or another? "I told you I…"
"You told me nothing Craig… just like you never tell me anything anymore… and then I find you here with… oh…"
Realisation suddenly illuminated Helena's face and I couldn't help but wonder if I looked as guilty as Craig did, I certainly felt exposed and vulnerable enough.
"What's going on Craig?" Helena asked quietly, her gaze dropping to her husband's crotch before returning to his face. Following the path of her eyes I saw that Craig's zipper was still half down and his shirt had been hastily and untidily tucked back into his trousers.
"Nothing… I… I don't know what you're talking about…" Craig was so flustered by the situation that it obviously hadn't even crossed his mind to ask Helena what she was doing there or why she had arrived with Nathan and I desperately wanted him to ask that question.
"Oh my God," Helena laughed bitterly, her head falling back slightly as she walked over to her husband yanking out his shirt and angrily doing up his zip. I watched as Craig's eyes locked with his wife's hands following each movement before she stepped backed, just enough to put some distance between them. Her eyebrows raised, her head shaking slightly so that her blonde locks flicked with her movement. "When did I become Sarah?"
"What? How do you know… what do you…" I heard Craig ask with surprise, a sudden wave of realisation rising in his very being. I stepped forward, only for Nathan's arm to stop me. I hadn't even seen him move close to me, and now my friend was blocking me walking over to defend the man I loved. The realisation of what had been going on between Craig and I slowly coming into focus as Helena let out a bitter laugh.
"Craig, don't play stupid. Did you really think something like that could be kept secret forever? That I wouldn't know that my husband didn't always bat for one side."
"You're… you're talking rubbish," Craig stammered, "I don't know where you're getting all this from but…"
"I've seen it Craig…"
"Seen what?"
"That box you keep hidden away at the back of the shelf in our wardrobe…"
"You had no right to look in that," Craig's voice was barely a whisper and Helena continued without pause or registering that her husband had even spoken.
"Just Uni mates Craig? You don't get love letters from Uni mates… you don't have photos of you kissing and holding hands with Uni mates…" Helena's eyes blazed as she took a step closer to her husband. "And you don't go around fucking your Uni mates," she snapped, her hand suddenly lashing out across Craig's face. "You're a liar!"
"Helena… I…"
I'd had enough. I felt Craig's physical pain, but more than that I felt the guilt Helena was inflicting on him in her self-righteous rampage. I couldn't just stand by. I couldn't watch Craig be made a villain by that woman for whom my resentment had now changed to blinding, angry hate.
"He's not the only liar though is he Helena?" I snapped.
"John Paul…?" Craig barked, instinctively defending his 'innocent and betrayed' wife.
It was only when I saw the fear on Helena's face I realised what I had said, what I had done. I turned to Craig rushing over to him, gripping his hands tightly as he looked at me puzzled.
No! No! I couldn't lose him again I told myself over and over as Helena backed away slightly behind us, and I was left there just looking into Craig's suddenly puzzled eyes. The slow realisation that the three of us knew something he didn't filled his molten chocolate eyes. That I knew something I hadn't told him, and I knew so much of our future rested on how he felt after finding out.
Finding out that I had betrayed him. Maybe more than any of the others in the room.
"What? What?" he asked over and over.
"I'm sorry mate," Nathan whispered reaching for Helena's hand.
Craig's gaze darted between us all. His wife, Nathan, me… round and round in circles as he tried to comprehend what he was seeing, what he was discovering.
"How could you?" The pain in Craig's voice cut into me but not as much as the hurt in his eyes did, not as much as the knowledge that those words were directed at me.
"I wanted to tell you," I said quietly, holding Craig's hands as tightly as I could for fear that if I let go he might leave.
"But you didn't," Craig said shaking his head before redirecting his gaze towards his wife and her secret lover. "How long?"
"A few weeks, a couple of months maybe," Helena replied sheepishly. "I never meant to… I just I…"
"A few weeks or a couple of months, which is it?" Craig asked, "You've been seeing him behind my back for… for god knows how long and you still have the gall to attack me for…"
"I'm sorry… I was shocked, I didn't know you and John Paul… I shouldn't have…"
"Look mate, tempers are running a bit high at the moment and…" Nathan began but his words were cut short by a look from Craig that could have cowered the bravest of men.
"You don't talk to me," Craig snarled, "You don't ever talk to me…"
Shaking off my hands Craig stepped back and looked at the three of us, the hurt and betrayal shimmering in his eyes.
"Craig please," I said quietly.
"You knew," Craig said, raising his hands to ward me off, "You knew and you said nothing… of all the people in the world I thought I could rely on John Paul… I don't know you… I don't know any of you…"
Running his hands through his hair Craig laughed bitterly. "I can't do this," he said as he turned to leave, "You can all go to hell…"
"Craig you can't just walk away from this," I said, trying to remain calm as the panic rose inside me.
"Watch me… I don't care if I never see any of you again…"
Casting a look towards Helena I mentally urged her to say something, but she remained silent.
"Craig there is more at stake than just us," I said grabbing at his arm as he pushed past me. "There's someone you can't walk away from…"
I heard a soft gasp fall from Helena's lips but my attention was still focussed on Craig.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Craig asked, once again shrugging off my hold
I knew it wasn't my place to say anything and it was hardly the best way to find out, but it was too late now and so I just forged ahead.
"Helena's pregnant," I said quietly, "You're going to be a father."
I don't know what kind of a reaction I expected from my announcement but total silence was not it, neither was the laughter which quickly followed.
"Is she now?" Craig laughed, the sound bitter and cruel. "Is she indeed?" Walking up to his wife Craig looked her square in the eyes. "So who's the daddy? Because it can't be me can it?"
"What?" I said, my head spinning with confusion, "But you've been trying… the IVF… it must be…"
"Yes John Paul," Craig said sarcastically as he clapped his hands together, "Yes we have… and do you know what that entails? No of course you don't, and why would you? Well let me just tell you this… I was never going to be the father of that woman's child... because I can't… But that was OK… sperm donor, I could live with that… only we're not that far into the cycle yet are we Helena? We're still only at the beginning this time… there's been no donor sperm mixed with my wife's eggs just yet… at least not by a doctor… So you see John Paul… there is NOTHING keeping me from walking out of that door and never looking back… nothing…"
I could feel my mouth working but no sounds came out, I stepped forward to try one last time to prevent Craig from leaving but it was useless as he pushed me out of the way, the door slamming closed behind him.
"John Paul I told you we thought the baby was mine," Nathan said quietly.
"Did you?" I asked, my mind in a whirl, I felt dazed and numb, a part of me wanted to run after Craig but my legs were heavy and felt welded to the floor. Nathan had said so much to me earlier that day but all I had been able to hear was the word 'pregnant'. Why hadn't I listened harder, why hadn't I said something sooner, why hadn't I been able to stop him from leaving?
I felt as if a switch had been flicked and my strength was gone. I had no reason to even stand upright anymore and with a barely audible sigh I let my body fall to the ground, I wasn't sure I ever had any intention of getting up again.