Just One More Chance.
Chapter IV.
"There are too many books I haven't read, too many places I haven't seen, Too Many Memories I Haven't Kept long enough."- Irwin Shaw.
---
"So we have hearts?" Demyx asks quietly, looking up at the others around his bed. He has been awake for a few days now, looking lively and youthful again, as always.
"Yes." Vexen pushes a lock of hair behind his ear. "Quite astonishing, isn't it?"
"Yeah. I guess." The boy silently places his hand over his chest, and Zexion, perched at the foot of the sick bed, knows what the boy is doing. They all did it from time to time, just make sure that this is all real, or to make sure the little pump was still going, and was actually still there.
"How do you feel, Demyx?" Larxene asks, curling up close to the boy like a little sister. Marluxia and Vexen roll their eyes.
"I… don't know really," Demyx admits. He puts an arm around the girl to get more comfortable, praying to unknown Gods for his limb to remain un-ripped by her. She reminds calm and 'normal' for once. "I am… feeling hungry." He smirks, cheeky. "Very hungry. What's for eating around here?"
"Take your pick" Marluxia sighs. "We have everything, within reason. No peacock I'm afraid."
"Oh, shoot! No wild boar too, I'm guessing" the boy drawls sarcastically. He gives everyone an unsteadied look. "Can I ask something?"
"Your power is limited to simple tricks," Vexen tells him. "Your marvellous sitar is quite lost, I'm afraid."
"I guessed that much." The boy runs a hand through his tangled hair. "I was just wondering why you lot are… being nice." Everyone blinks at him, and he suddenly squirms under the stares. "It's just weird."
Zexion smiles, falsely sweet. "Hearts are strong enough to make the most evil bastards go mushy, Demyx."
"Ha, right."
Lexaeus, who has been quietly sitting in a chair by the wall, gets up and leaves the room. "I'll make lunch for everyone."
"Wait!" Zexion jumps up, running after his friend like a devoted Jack Russell. "I'll help, Lexaeus." Demyx waits for the door to close before expressing himself.
"What the hell was that?!"
"You mean the fact that Zexion is trailing after Lexaeus, and it's not the other way around?" Marluxia asks, unwavering. "You'll get used to it."
"But…" Demyx tries to find the right words, but fails.
"It makes one wonder, doesn't it?" Vexen smirks. "About who controls who in their little world?"
"You don't think they are together, do you?" Marluxia scoffs. "After everything?"
"The heart works in mysterious ways" Larxene sighs dreamily. "Sometimes in very bizarre, comical, sickly-sugary ways too. Besides, so what if they do get together? It's not our place to judge… anymore"
"I don't think they will get together. It's too unlikely."
"…Wanna bet, honey?"
------
He should not have kissed him.
Lexaeus licks his lips for the numerous time, checking over the beakers that Vexen had asked him to watch. The taste must be gone by now, since it has been about a fortnight since he kissed Zexion's forehead, but he swears it is still there. It is still there or it is the memory of it. One or the other. He picks up a test tube and looks at the silver thick liquid.
It could be worse. He could have kissed him on the lips, got carried away and have Zexion wake up, screaming at him and hating him for taking advantage. Although he has done that many times in the past and Zexion had only ever thrown mild fussy fits. Hell, Ienzo used to stomp his feet and wave his arms in the air. The whole package. It was funny at times. With an amused smile, Lexaeus can picture Ienzo scowling up at Aeleus. Bottom lip pouted, slim hands on bony hips, eyebrows furrowed in a furious way, attitude for something that Aeleus did but had no idea what. Such an immature boy.
Mistaking one beaker for another, Lexaeus pours the silver liquid and causes the mixture to turn shocking pink and fizz over, foaming onto the surface of the counter, and his bare hand. He sighs, unimpressed with himself. He has to clean his hand first, before the chemicals irritate his skin.
"That's not the first time you have done that." Vexen dumps his notebooks (500 pages each, all hardbacks) onto one of the desks, and picks up some paper towels to help clean up. "Munny for our thoughts, Lexaeus."
"I'm fine" the taller man tells him. "I was just thinking."
"We logicians think all the time" the scientist smirks, "but different subject effect us in different ways. What were you thinking about?"
"It's none of your business, Vexen" Lexaeus grumbles, drying off his worn fingers.
"I know anyway." Vexen tosses his long hair and batters his eyelashes in a mocking manner. "You're thinking of someone with silky slate hair, shining duke-blue eyes and a small, slender physique."
"I liked you better when you were a no-hearted git" Lexaeus grunts. Vexen laughs. He throws the damp paper into the waste bin.
"Oh, you two" he sighs, in a way that sounds like he is reminiscing. "It's been nothing but trials and pain for you and Zexion."
"I told you that it's none of your business!"
"I'm only trying to help you."
Lexaeus crosses his arms, giving Vexen a look. "How exactly? By trying to embarrass me?"
"How long have I known you and Zexion for?" the elder asks. Lexaeus does not answer. There is no need. "I have known you for too long. You and him have been practically joined to the hip for years, and it does not take a brain surgeon to work out that you've been fucking as well... It also doesn't take much to work out that you want to patch things up again." Lexaeus does little but turn away. He is not going to admit that Vexen is right. Vexen sighs and shakes his head. "Fine. Don't listen. Both of you can be miserable and live Life alone for all I care."
Lexaeus shrugs. He is also frowning.
------
"Hey! Ponytail!" Zexion opens both visible eyes and blinks. Demyx - who has been out of bed for a while now - is standing on the customer side of the café counter, grinning down at him. "Did you buy that straw dinner first?" The straw in Zexion's mouth had been licked and bit at since he had started daydreaming fifteen minutes ago. He pulls it out, and the plastic has been branded with teeth marks and saliva. They both wrinkle their noses at it. "Sexy."
"Shut up, Demyx." The straw is disposed of and Zexion gets the musician a can of cola.
"What made you blank out like that?" Demyx asks out of curiosity.
Zexion shrugs. "I just blank out from time to time. It's nothing."
"The Great Zexion having mental spasms and making out with straws is not common."
"Everybody does it."
"…Lock tongues with-?"
"Be quiet or I'll kick you out!"
"Alright, Alright." They fall into silence and Zexion busies himself with drying glasses. Demyx watches him, studying him, sipping on his drink every now and then. "…You want Lexaeus, don't you?" Zexion halts his rag and gently places the tumbler on the counter. He gives the boy a pathetic smile.
"Am I that transparent?"
"Like that glass in your hand." Demyx scratches his hair in thought. "I don't get it. You two are always together, I'm surprised that you don't hold hands... If you like Lexaeus, why don't you say so?"
"It's more complex then that." Zexion sighs. He almost runs his fingers through his fringe but remembers that it is tied back. He cannot hide behind his hair today. "Lexaeus and I have been through Hell and back again. We have a history. I don't even know what Lexaeus thinks about all of this."
"Then asked him."
"You just don't understand, Demyx."
"No. I don't." The boy points at him. "You're bonkers for him, but yet you do nothing. Gods sake, if you have someone, you grab them and don't let go. Unless you want someone else to take him away." Zexion freezes, looking away. Somebody else? On Lexaeus' arm? In his bed? In his thoughts? He does not like the idea. Finished with his sermon and drink, Demyx gets up and leaves. "At least think about it, man."
------
Zexion bolts up right, startled by his dream. The dream (or 'nightmare') was a wild, unruly drabble of messy images overleaping and running at different speeds, and a distorted soundtrack of mangled, differently pitched sounds. The riot had made him toss and turn in bed, but it was something else that had awakened him. The feeling of someone touching him. It was a simple caress on the cheek, as if someone was concerned about his distress. He sighs, drawing his knee to his chest to hug them.
He is not sure what the freighting vision was about but he knows what the embrace finish means. Demyx was right. He wants Lexaeus. He flicks on the side lamp and spots his mobile on the table. He hesitates, biting his lip to cutting point. If he wanted Lexaeus in the past, he would get him straight away, no matter what. Now it's different. They had a great, no, brilliant relationship in the past; a romantic, erotic relationship with great benefits.
Without much thought, he enters the contacts menu, and triple clicks the number five button so the L-names appear. Then he scrolls down to Lexaeus. He eyes the glowing green dial button for sometime. No. He cannot do it. What if Lexaeus does not want him anymore? He is bound to be asleep now, anyway. It would be rude to wake him. He is not going to do it. He will not! He will not! He will not!
Zexion presses the button and watches the menu disappear, to be replaced with an image of a cartoony ringing phone and the words 'Dialling Lexaeus.' The ringing is buzzed. He should press the red abort key and leave the topic well alone. No matter how much he wants to hear that raspy, deep, sensual--
Click.
"Hello." Zexion gulps. It is that voice. He thinks about hanging-up, but that would be mean. "Hello?" Not ready, Zexion braces himself, and puts the device to his head.
"Lexaeus. It's just me."
In his own flat, Lexaeus is sat on his bed, feet on the floor. He could not sleep. How can he when Vexen's words and the thoughts of Zexion are haunting his mind at every waking moment? It was sleeping light nowadays. More so then normal.
"What's wrong?" He sounds concerned.
Zexion smiles slightly, rubbing his eyes, feeling foolish.
"…I-I can't sleep. I had a bizarre dream, and it really freaked me out. Can we talk for awhile?"
"Sure." Lexaeus relaxes. "So what do you want to talk about?"
"…I don't know."
Lexaeus has to laugh. He leads back on his free hand.
"What was your dream about?"
"It was… hard to work out." Zexion sinks down onto his bed, curling up like a cat. "It was un-nerving, to say the least. Twisted shadows, and whistling noises."
"You have always had weird dreams."
"You're my witness to that…" They fall silent, not knowing what to say. They can hear the other breathing; soft and peaceful, dawning on comforting. Zexion sighs through his nose, smiling at the mumbled noises the man down the line is making. He closes his heavy eyes, clutching his blanket with his free hand. "…Lexaeus."
"Hmm?"
He takes his time, breathing through his mouth now.
"…Lexaeus. You are my dearest friend. Do you know that?"
Lexaeus has never heard Zexion say those words. He had heard Ienzo say them, within Aeleus' surviving memories that he still carries in the back of his mind, but Zexion had never said anything so… nice.
"Do you mean that, Zexion?" he asks, checking to see if it was really Zexion talking, or the lack of slumber. The boy nods, and then remembers that the man cannot see the action.
"Of course" he reassures. "You're my closest friend, and you'll always will be."
"…Thank you" Lexaeus grins. "You're my closest friend too."
Zexion chuckles, light-heartedly. "I only trust you in this universe" the boy admits. "And I really do enjoy talking to you."
"I do too, with you…"
"…I really do care about you… When you fuss over me, I feel quite guilty."
"You shouldn't" Lexaeus tells him. "You need someone to watch our back, just in case."
"That's our system. 'I'll protect you if you protect me.'"
"It's a good system… Zexion?"
"Yeah."
Lexaeus sighs, a big smile on his face, which is rare on his craggy features. "…I miss you."
"…I haven't gone anyway" Zexion simply says, not understanding the statement. Lexaeus chuckles under his breath.
"No. I mean I miss you. I miss being with you."
Zexion sits up, wide awake and sober. He holds the phone closer, his other arm embracing his torso.
"What are you saying?" he whispers.
"…I don't know" Lexaeus shrugs, "but I do know that I want you, and a relationship that is more then just a simple friendship."
Zexion's breath hitches. His bones shake with something strong, yet familiar and welcoming. Like listening to the same record of a powerful ballad over and over again without getting bored of its music.
"…Do you want me?" he asks.
"More then oxygen and my own life" Lexaeus tells him. He is never this talkative, so Zexion hangs onto every word. "I miss seeing you sleeping next to me, and our intermit small talks about everything and nothing. I miss your clean scent and the skin on your bare back." Lexaeus takes his time to remember Zexion. His Zexion. That young man he treasured the most. "…I miss finding your belongings jumbled up with mine, and the way you play and ruffle my hair with your fingers, and… and kissing you. I really miss kissing you."
Zexion stands, trying to hold onto sanity. "…I miss you too" he shivers. Lexaeus stands too, smiling and lowering his voice to a rocky grumble.
"What do you miss the most?"
"…Everything …I miss eating your meals everyday" Zexion tells him. His heart is hammering in his chest, deafening him. "I miss the wordless, mewling sounds you make in my ear when you want to calm me down, and I miss the smell of your musky aroma on the laundry. I miss having your body over me in bed, your hand on my shoulder when life gets tough and the feeling of security you provide when you're close to me… and I want to kiss you." They stay quiet. Perfectly quiet. Friendly and bonding. Then Zexion mumbles, so gentle is it almost unheard. "…I love you, Aeleus."
Lexaeus sighs, content. How he missed those words, together with that voice.
"You do?"
"More then anything… Can I come round?" the boy asks, almost pleading. "Can I come around… so I can kiss you?"
"I would like that, Ienzo" Lexaeus tells him.
"…I'll be there in a while then. Wait for me there." He puts the phone down. Click.
------
Lexaeus waits at the front door of his building. He just put on a pair of shoes and a long coat, and is now waiting in the doorway, sheltered from downpour. Maybe he should meet Zexion halfway, but he already promised to wait of him here. According to the watch in his hand, it has been fifteen minutes since the telephone conversation, and he is getting anxious. He leans up against the closed door, waiting and listening to the white noise the rain was creating.
And the patter of feet running in the puddles, getting closer. He looks out. The figure running coming towards him, with its open coat flapping around him, a throw-on jumper hiding a sleeping-shirt and cheeks flushed, is Zexion, by no doubt. When he gets a little closer, Zexion slows down, chocking on his breathlessness. He stumbles slightly then stops at the door, looking up at Lexaeus with a big smile on his face. Lexaeus smiles too - soft and warm - and pulls Zexion in from the rain.
"You're going to catch your death of cold" the older man sighs with a shake of his head, tugging the coat farther up the small shoulders. Zexion shuffles closer, attracted to warmth and Lexaeus' hands.
"I'll be fine. Don't worry…"
They look at each other, extremely close, taking in sweet scents. Then Zexion brushes his lips against Lexaeus', slowly and gentle, just a ghost of a touch. Lexaeus returns the move. A steady, short kiss, blessing them with a proper taste. Now, they kiss at the same time. A soft, slow, passionate kiss, eyes fluttering closed, hands tightening into folds of clothes. Zexion mumbles quietly, only to his long-missed lover.
"Aeleus… My Aeleus…"
Lexaeus moans, and pulls the boy closer, sucking lightly on his bottom lip. Zexion shivers all over, and finds his mouth been invaded, with large, rough hands caressing his hair and reaching under his layers to rub his back tenderly. He groans. His body is warm and his own hands start touching, fingers wading over the corded muscles of Lexaeus' stomach. He gets closer, and he can feel Lexaeus' new heart for the first time. A loud, steady thumping against him gaining speed, in interchangeable rhyme with his much faster beat. Then he pulls away' leaving Lexaeus to kiss the air for a fraction of a second. When the man opens his eyes, Zexion is miles away in his mind, frowning. Lexaeus reaches out.
"Ienzo?" Zexion pushes the hand away before it can touch his face and walks across the doorstep then stops, draping his arms around himself. His back is towards Lexaeus. "…Ienzo." The boy does not turn around. Lexaeus quietly and carefully walks over, stopping close to Zexion, who is staring at a unimportant spot on the wall. "…Did I do something wrong?" Lexaeus asks slowly, just a murmur. Zexion shakes his head, frown deepening. Lexaeus sighs deeply. "Then what's wrong?"
"…Most things" Zexion says, voice so low in volume, that Lexaeus can only just make out the words. "…All this business with hearts and miracles is… a strain on one's health and mind."
"…It's always has been" Lexaeus agrees, never taking his eyes off Zexion. Which Zexion can feel.
"…You mean a lot to me, Aeleus" Zexion sighs, "but our relationship has never been easily, has it? First, the covering of our said relationship for reputation, followed by the distortion of our world, then the Organization, and then there is Oblivion. We… could never get a break, could we?" Lexaeus does not interrupt the silence, so Zexion goes on. "…I like this life more then the last. It is hard and everybody hates me but I like it… When I first saw you in the library, I didn't want to see you, because I though I didn't deserve it and…"
He swallows, throat dry, "…and, if you had been angry with me, I would have… I would have been torn to pieces if you rejected me" he admits, sounding more like his Other then he ever had, since he lost his heart all those years ago. "I'm… cold. I feel cold all the time Aeleus… and it hurts." He bows his head in shame, hiding his grim expression in his palms. Lexaeus does not what to say, nor what to do. Zexion has never been so honest with him. Not in decades. Damn feelings. Hearts were nothing but a emotion mess to them.
"If you were in pain, why didn't you tell me?" Lexaeus asks.
"…I don't know."
Lexaeus takes another step forward.
"…I was cold too" he grumbles under breath, the statement making Zexion's eyes widen, slowly, "but that talk on the phone and that kiss, it made me released how much I adored you and craved you." Zexion takes a hidden look over his shoulder, listening to the raspy words. "All I think about is you, Ienzo. I worry over you and I live for our next visit… It has been forever since we had hearts, but I know what I feel for you is real… and I have known you long enough to know how you feel too. We're free men now. No Organization, no war against the universe. It's just you and me." Gently and gingerly, he steps forward more, placing his large work-worn hand on Zexion's smooth shoulder, just like he did in the library, a few mouths ago. "If we are both cold, we should keep each other warm."
This is just like that night in the library… but there is a difference this night. Zexion's fingers mesh with his, locking together perfectly. Soft, sensitive skin and worn, rough skin. Then, Zexion turns around, twisting their hands so they are still laced together. He is smiling. Lexaeus smiles too. A supporting arm wraps around a slim waist, pulling them closer together. They embrace, arms around each other, Zexion on tiptoes. Lexaeus sighs contently, pressing his nose and lips into slate, silky hair and the curve of a slim neck, chuckling as soft lips rest on the shell of his ear, mewling a little. One of Zexion's comfort habits - The equivalent of a toddler sucking their thumb.
"…I feel warm and comfortable" murmurs the boy, breathing in Lexaeus' gorgeous earthy aroma.
"Me too" the larger man agrees.
"I always feel warm and comfortable when I'm with you... I know I'm safe with you, Aeleus."
"I glad you think so."
Zexion nips his lover's chin playfully, smiling up at him.
"…Do you love me?" Zexion asks, his fingers tangling into fabric.
"You know I do" Lexaeus sighs, his hand caress a pointed, pretty face, which he could easy just smash, but would never dream of doing so. Zexion pulls Lexaeus closer by the collar.
"Say it" he demands, his voice a playful growl. Lexaeus' hand cradles the back of Zexion's skull and tilts his head gently to the side, breathing warm air against his cheek.
"I love you." Zexion shivers madly, making Lexaeus' grin widen. "I love you" he says again, a little louder. Another shiver. He enjoys the reaction, so he says it again and again. "I love you, I love you, I love-" Zexion snarls, kissing him and moaning as they lick and consume. Lexaeus pulls away first, hands on his partner's lower back. "Shall I show you" he mumbles, "exactly how much I love you?"
Zexion relaxes, but his heart is pounding to bursting point. If he were to die now, he would die a happy, lucky man. He presses his mouth against the man's ear again, whispering so quietly, his words nearly don't exist.
"Please Aeleus."
Lexaeus opens the door and leads them inside. The door closes with a soft click.