The Words

4. Vulnerable

Booth sat in his office. He was thinking about the conversation he had had with Bones, two days ago now. He hadn't been able to wrap his mind around it quite yet. She had called him in response to his letter, to let him know that she'd written him back and to tell him how much she appreciated his honesty. He had told her he had always been honest with her, and he would always be.

Her next question kept on ringing through his head.

'How do you know that you'll love me in forty or fifty years?'

She had taken his line from when he had confessed his love to her and it had made so much sense to him. She wanted to know how he could promise that to her without any doubts in his mind. Only thing was, he didn't have an answer. He had told her that it was just a certainty, that he felt there were people who were supposed to be together. She had told him they were indeed a great team, and he'd countered that that wasn't what he meant. But he couldn't explain what he had meant. He hoped he hadn't scared her. Fortunately, she had already posted her letter, so she couldn't change her mind about what she'd written to him. But he couldn't, with the greatest willpower in his body, find a way to answer her question. How did he know? He just did.

Hannah had been annoyed by his newly found openness with Bones. She had caught a few lines of his first letter to her and it had upset her, even though she would never admit it to him, he had seen it. She had become a little more distant, more careful with what she said to him and how she said it. But he couldn't really be bothered. He in no way wanted to get rid of her but he did want to make sure she understood how far his commitment to Bones went and how far it went beyond what he had with her. Not because he didn't love her, because he did in a way. But just because he and Bones had such a different relationship. It had never been about sex, when with Hannah, it had always been about sex. At first, it had been only about sex and the rest had evolved from that. With Bones, it had been the opposite.

After a few more hours of killing time at work, Seeley decided to go home. He took some paperwork with him to kill time at home, and he settled on his couch. He'd greeted Hannah who was at work in their bedroom, being someone who loved working on her laptop on their bed. She'd greeted him with a warm smile but really nothing else, and he'd been fine with that.

Slowly but surely, Hannah was pulling herself out of his life. She had to, for her own sake. Seeley would hurt her badly if she didn't protect herself. He would never mean to do it but it would happen. Because Hannah had come to see these past few days that even though he cared about her, he couldn't wait to hear from Temperance. She had overheard a part of her phone call to him, she'd heard him explain how some people were supposed to be together. He had never said him and Temperance were those people, but he had strongly implied it, and it had sounded so real and true that she had instantly believed him. Her female instincts told her Seeley was taken and he wasn't hers to have. So she'd left him alone with Brennan on the phone, and now she was bringing him her letter. Delicate, elegant writing graced an envelope which carried multiple stamps and marks from having crossed half the world. Hannah sighed, picked it up from the doormat and brought it to Seeley.

'Here, another letter from Temperance, I think,' she said.

He tried to sound less enthusiastic than he was. 'Oh, really. Great.'

She handed him the letter. 'Come on, don't think me stupid enough to believe that. You're delighted. And you are allowed to be. I'll leave you to it,' she said, kissed his forehead and left.

He sighed. She really wasn't fooled. Woman's instincts, he guessed. He felt a little guilty towards her, knowing she felt as if she was sharing but in reality, it was worse.

Then his attention turned back to the envelope in his hands. He opened it and unfolded Bones' letter.

'Dear Booth.

I didn't mean of us to start corresponding in this manner, but I find I do not mind it. It is an effective way of communication without actual visual or auditory contact.

I realize it is hard for you to openly communicate about your feelings and I think it is very commendable that you did. Thank you for being open with me, as you know I'm not good with people and most people tend to close themselves off from me in an attempt to keep me at a distance. You were one of the first people who let me in but at the same time didn't compromise in showing me your own personality. But I also think therein lies the danger. Because I tried to do the same, but I can't be certain I succeeded. So you may think you know me, and you may think you know how anything in our relationship will go, but the truth is you can't be sure. I want to believe you are right about your feelings for me. I want to believe that you will be satisfied with me. But if I can't be certain, I won't take the chance, you know that.'

Booth sighed. He did know that. All too well. It had eaten away at him on many occasions, why couldn't she just be sure of this, or why couldn't she take a chance for once? He knew she was insecure about love and relationships but now she was telling him she was insecure about his feelings? That was one step too far.

He thought back over their years together. Something hit him. He had thought that he had proven his love for her so many times. But what if she had just passed it off as true friendship and hadn't realized the underlying meaning? And being partners in such a dangerous profession hadn't helped: Most of his actions could be seen as protective or just looking out for each other. He would have to tell her that he meant to be protective as well as loving to her.

'Currently I am working on remains of numerous attacks, there is a lot of work for me to lose myself in. In a way it gives me clarity. I am only dealing with facts again, where I used to deal with facts and a whole lot of emotional baggage coming with working closely with many people. Here it is just me and my lab assistant, a competent and intelligent man who, however nice and handsome, doesn't appeal to me sexually. I can distance myself from everything, from my work and my environment to create the best possible objective environment. That also made it possible for me to think thoroughly about everything you wrote to me. For example, you say you know things with Hannah are fleeting. When did you know that? Did you see it coming? Because if you didn't, then how do you know it won't happen with us?'

He knew this question had bugged her for a while because it was almost the same question as the one she'd asked him on the phone, how could he know he would love her in many, many years. He just did, period. But that wasn't good enough for her. Fact was, there were different kinds of relationships and Bones didn't understand the difference in emotions that came with it. He also didn't miss the fact that she almost directly called him sexually appealing.

'You know that I have had a history of being unable to maintain a relationship. I will explain to you why that is. This is one of those parts of me you don't know because I didn't want you to know. But you confessed to me, so I feel I have to do the same.

Relationships are subjective. They need two people to begin with, so the variables are endless. That is one thing that is difficult for me to deal with. Then there is the part of a relationship possibly being the beginning of a deeper commitment. That kind of commitment deals with even more variables and when a man indicates the desire to initiate such a relationship, one in which two people share everything, including the possibility of a future, I feel the need to protect myself from that. It would require me to adjust my life according to how the other person lives and that is something I have never been ready to do. In fact, having to change to fit another person's needs scares me. It means I have to change and I don't know how.'

He recognized her words from that one night, and he got sad. Life had been mean to Bones. She had seen people's reactions to her throughout school and university and she'd drawn the conclusion that if she wanted to be happy with someone, she had to change. While she was such a beautiful person, she had had more bad experiences than good ones with men and her mind had decided to refrain from committing to someone because she believed one way or another, she'd end up having to change herself. And she was probably right. Even Sul had tried to make her more adventurous and less committed to facts than she was when he had asked her to go with him. Booth was glad she hadn't gone. But now he felt so sad knowing Bones was scared of commitment.

He took a piece of paper and a pen and wrote down: 'You don't have to be scared of committing yourself to a relationship with me. I won't change you because you can't be changed for the better.'

Then, he read on.

'You said you would answer any questions I had. You have to be certain about that because I want to know everything for sure before I decide how this is going to continue. I'm still a scientist, and even though you strongly believe in emotions, I still need to be fully convinced of the value of trusting your gut over your brain. I tried it twice now and twice it failed me. I'm willing to try again but if it fails again I have enough evidence to suggest that you are wrong.

Your relationship with Hannah also didn't help me in believing in my gut and in love. You made me believe you would love me forever, even if that wasn't what you meant with all your talk about love, that's how I perceived it. Now I see what a fool I was because I knew it wasn't true but I believed you anyway. And so I believed you would understand me and you would wait for me, but you didn't. You hurt me, Booth. I know I hurt you too but that was never my intention, that was how you perceived it and you didn't really give me an opening to explain myself more carefully. Bu you, you talked me into believing in love and then you threw it back in my face. That's how I see it now, but I also believe that we could be a good team together in life as well as in our work.'

Ouch, that hurt. Badly. She was being very, very honest with him. It was one of her sides that he loved when it came to others, but didn't like so much when it was directed at him. He felt humiliated, and he had to collect himself in order to see that she was right. He had blamed her for being so damned confusing but in reality, she shouldn't be blamed for not being perfect in love. He should have helped her.

Another thing started nagging at him. He was starting to feel really guilty towards Hannah. She had left the room to give him privacy, and a few minutes ago she had even left the house, without calling to him and without him going after her to ask where she was going and if she was all right. He hated himself for that. Hannah was great, and she didn't deserve this just as Bones didn't deserve to see him with Hannah. But then again, Bones was on the other side of the world. And what if in the end, she decided to not pursue this after all? If he broke up with Hannah, he'd be back out there again, alone. And if Bones weren't in his life, he could have easily seen himself end up with a woman like Hannah. But the drug named Temperance Brennan had him addicted and like any drug, a substitute only gave temporary relief. Sooner rather than later he'd be back needing Bones as much as he needed his next breath.

A/N: this will continue in the next chapter, I saw my chapters getting longer and longer so I thought I'd cut this letter in half. I'll repeat what she wrote already at the beginning of Ch5.

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