-1Winter break I had a secret. A delicious secret that had been building and building inside of me, ever since I ran home from Emma Nelson's house. I'm still not sure how it happened, me and Manny. I'm still not sure if I wasn't under some kind of spell, because that's what…what this felt like. A spell.
Maybe she was a witch who bedazzled me, how did I know? Things with Ash had hit a snag and she was cool to me one moment, lovey- dovey to me the next. I never knew quite where I fit in with Ashley.
With Manny, it was just the opposite. I could send her a text, or call her and she'd be there. She'd be waiting with open arms and a smile, a kiss to tell me I was perfect.
It never hit me that I might be using her.
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Manny called me when we were trimming the tree. The Nelson-Simpsons were there, baby Jack dressed in some little kind of elf costume. "Poor Kid." I said looking down at him. He smiled up at me and cooed.
"Aww, I think he looks cute." Ashley had snuck up behind me. "Like a little elf."
"Yeah, but when he's our age? He's gonna be like who dressed me up in this?"
There was a little cough from behind us. Spike stood there, waiting to pick Jack up. She smiled lightly at us. "I did. It's so I can later use the humiliation tactic when he's misbehaving." She gave a grin and walked over to the couch to feed him.
I laughed.
Meanwhile, Sydney the Natzi of Christmas was staring at the tree, transfixed. I noticed that Caitlin was there too, looking fidgety. She drank a lot of eggnog, too and it made me wonder if she wasn't half-drunk. I shrugged to myself and helped Joey re-arrange the stupid tree.
The phone rang. I swept it up, cheerfully. I'd had two glasses of eggnog myself, barely able to taste the brandy in it. When the adults weren't looking I poured more of the brandy in my glass and Ashley's, giving her a wink. She smiled back and sipped hers while I drank mine, trying to taste the brandy. Drinking felt so cool and adult.
I wasn't expecting Manny to call. At least, not today. "Jeremiah residence!" I sang out. I'd had a few gulps of my mostly brandy eggnog.
"I miss you." It was Manny, in that need me voice of hers. Need me, Craig that voice said. Why can't you love me like I love you? It was this part of Manny that drove me away. This part of Manny that made me want to hold her at arms' length.
"Uh…" I froze for a moment, unsure of what to do. Ash had abandoned her drink and was behind me, eating nuts. I swallowed. "We'll talk later, ok Spinner?" I put special emphasis on his name. Ash continued to nibble on the Christmas nuts.
"Is this a bad time?" Asked Manny.
I felt cross. Sometimes, it was always a bad time with Manny when she got like that.
"Uh…no. We'll talk about exchanging gifts tomorrow, Spin." I said.
"It's because she's there, isn't it?" Manny's voice, normally sweet and girly turned hard.
"I'll talk to you tomorrow Spinner. Bye!" I hung up on her before Manny could possibly wreck this night. Letting my breath out, I turned to Ash and smiled, kissing her cheek.
Inside, I felt like a tightly strung guitar. One pluck, and all my strings would come undone.
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Secret late night dates would get me home sometimes after curfew. Joey would rant and rave about responsibility, blah, blah, blah. I would nod and promise it wouldn't happen again. I still had Manny's hands on my chest, still had her taste in my mouth.
I fell into bed and pulled out my cell. Five missed calls from Ashley. I texted her and apologized for not returning the calls, something came up and I'd see her later. Winter break was nearing and I couldn't wait. I needed a break. Sometimes I felt like I had two lives.
One that existed entirely for me and Manny. It was this world where I was her perfect guy and she was this pretty, sweet girl who adored me.
And then, there was the world with Ashley. Our music fueled, coffee driven world of angsty rock tunes. Writing songs about leaving notes in our lockers, holding hands during the lunch hour, stolen kisses in the hallway.
If only I could somehow manage to push the two girls into one person. Then it would be perfect, beautiful…what I always wanted.
I yawned and decided to take a shower. I could still smell Manny everywhere on me. I tugged my shirt off, discarded it onto my already messy floor and plodded to the bathroom. Hot water felt good against my skin that was bruised by lips. There was small lip gloss stains on my neck, on my chest. Little bite marks that said Manny had been here.
I scrubbed them all off in the hot water.
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I wanted to grab Manny before she left for Holidays. I smiled at dragged her into an empty classroom, placing kisses on her mouth that tasted like vanilla. She smiled, seeming pleased. "I wanted to give this to you before you left." I held out the gold bag.
Manny took it. She opened it, finding the pink sweater. Her breath caught and she looked up at me. "It's perfect." She whispered.
I grinned, pleased. "There's something else, too." I nodded towards the bag.
She fished it out finding the gold charm bracelet with little ice skates. Manny beamed. "Craig, you so get me."
"Is that good?"
"Yes, it means you really do care about me after all."
I smiled, glad that she liked her gifts. "OK. Have fun at vacation." I pulled Manny to me and kissed her. She smiled letting me do so, letting me do what I wanted to her. Ashley would have a thousand reasons to stop. She was never any fun.
"OK. Go to class." I said with a soft smile.
"Bye." Manny and I met eyes, holding onto each other when the bell rang. All in all, it was turning into a damned good day.
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Until the talent show. I knew nothing good would last long. It never did for me. Ash and I were supposed to sing a song together. We'd written our own Christmas carol and were going to sing it in front of the whole school.
I didn't know she had talked to Manny beforehand. Ash was being distant--again. Her arms crossed over her chest and she stared down at the floor like Pete Wentz was imprinted on it. I smiled at her, and rubbed her arm. "We're next."
Still Ashley said nothing.
Frowning a little, JT Yorke called us to the stage. I took my seat, Ashley took hers. I picked up the guitar she had given me for Christmas. That wonderful guitar that knew just what chords I wanted to play, what notes I needed to pluck. It was an amazing gift.
Manny had got me something too, a scarf that she'd knitted herself and I wore. I just couldn't throw it away.
In the middle of the song, my world came crashing down. When I prompted Ashley to sing, she got up and slapped me hard against the face. I heard the audience's stunned gasp and Ashley took off running.
I got up to follow after her.
She knew, she knew, she knew. It pounded in my head to the rhythm my feet were running. I felt my breath catch, and it threatened to choke me. I watched as she broke down crying, hating me and yanking the guitar back. Even so, I never meant to hurt Ashley as I reached out to comfort her.
"Don't touch me!" Ashley screamed at me. "Manny Santos, how could you!" She never let me explain. She never let me explain that Manny looked at me like a hero, like I was…
Like I was something I wasn't. I felt so bad, so horrible and wanted to sink into the floor as I watched Ashley storm out of the school. I didn't have to turn to know Manny was behind me. My thorn.
"You told--you told Ashley." I accused hotly. She claimed to love me. How could she do this to me?
"No." Manny's voice was soft and whispery. "But you were stupid to think that I wouldn't find out about all your lies."
Why did the world have to crash on your head all at once? It wasn't fair. I watched Manny, wondering what she was going to do. She held the charm bracelet up and then let it fall.
I watched the shimmering skates hit my dirty Chucks. It hurt so bad, Manny doing that to me. I kind of expected her to comfort me, lie to me. I wanted her to lie to me. I wanted…
"Craig?"
Joey. Shit. Wiping my face I grabbed Manny's charm bracelet and shoved it into my pocket. It was on his face, feeling sad and sorry for me when I babbled out that I was nothing but a stupid cheater. Joey listened and then told me something that I didn't know before.
He and Caitlin had been engaged. And he'd done the same thing to Caitlin that I'd done to Ashley.
I swallowed and we both stood there, fools of our own making.