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CHAPTER FOUR: Monkeys, In the Woods, with Poo.

"Swamp. Mountain. Ocean. Canyon. The four that are there, bring them here," Tatl muttered over and over again. "What the heck does that mean?" Link shrugged his shoulders dumbly. "You're no help. Okay. Let's start at the very beginning…a very good place to start…" Link glared at her. She glared back. "Never mind. Swamp. Where's the swamp?"

When, of course, Link voiced no opinion, Tatl took it upon herself to search Clock Town for directions to the Southern Swamp. The townspeople, terrified at the very mention of the place, would shuffle away when asked, muttering about the age of their grandparents. Or something like that. The only people who had any information at all were the Bombers. "Sure ting, Sharkbait! Wese can tells yous where da Southern Swamp is," they all agreed, gazing at her adoringly. "It's in the South! Big swamp! Can't miss it!"

It was all Tatl could do not to blow the suckers sky high. After hours and hours of a grueling search, she returned to where Link had fallen peacefully asleep against a sign that said clearly: "SOUTHERN SWAMP THIS WAY ---- ." Angry beyond measure, she slapped Link awake and carted him out of Clock Town. "Why didn't you tell me you had found the sign at the very beginning?" She screamed.

Link shrugged.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'WHAT SIGN???'" Tatl bellowed. Again, Link shrugged. Tatl decided to give him the cold shoulder for a while (Link never noticed) and they continued down a slope and across Termina Field. Every once in a while, Link would spot a butterfly, chase it, or try to smack it with a deku stick, but he stopped when he decided he didn't like the fluttery feeling in his hat when he caught one.

All of a sudden, a shadow descended upon them and whisked away the green-clad lad's hat with a SWOOSH! Laden with its prize, the Tokkuri buzzard grinned an impish birdy grin. Link, feeling naked and alone, set down on the ground and began humming sad songs. Tatl immediately learned she hated the sound of his singing voice. Passionately. Trying to cheer him up did not work, pleading with him did not work, and even threatening him did not work. Finally she tried to bargain. "Okay! Okay! Listen! I'll get your frazzin' hat back, just….stop humming. Please." Link, having lost his hat, also lost his will to live, ignored her, and continued to hum the Titanic theme under his breath.

Tatl whizzed after the Tokkuri buzzard, cursing her lot in life. "I had such dreams when I was younger. And here I am, chasing a buzzard for a moron's hat. I feel like Mario." She caught up to the giant bird and grabbed hold of one of its tail feathers. The feather came loose with a nasty ripping sound. Letting out a shocked squawk, the Tokkuri buzzard wheeled around with an injured look on its face. "Yeah, that's right. I got your tail feather, you ugly creature."

"Brakk skrawkk srakk grak skrak," the buzzard screeched.

"No, I won't give you your feather back. You have my friend's, no, my colleague's, no…my…my…my…client's hat."

"Skrawk brak skakk brawkk."

"I'm sorry, but rules are rules. It's a trade or nothing."

"Brawkk…"

"Yes, it's a nice hat."

"Skrakk skrakky skrak."

"Yes, it does smell funny."

"Brakkk…"

"Look. Just GIVE ME THE FRACKIN' HAT! Give it to me or I'll shove this feather so far up your ketsunoana you'll spend a month trying to poop it out!"

The Tokkuri buzzard stared wide-eyed at Tatl, trying to figure out if she meant it. Just to prove her point, Tatl took the feather and rammed it all the way through a tree. Needless to say, the buzzard was utterly convinced and dropped the hat with his apologies.

Link was ecstatic at the return of his hat. He crammed it on his head and bounced around punching the air. Rolling her eyes, Tatl grabbed hold of his tunic and propelled him towards the dank air that signified the swamp was near.

The Southern Swamp's atmosphere was heavy with a swampy smell that filled Tatl's nose the instant the loading screen blinked off. "Oh gross. It smells like my ex-boyfriend's house." Link glanced up at her briefly but pushed the thought out of his small brain. A sign nearby read: "Southern Swamp Welcoming Hut! Straight ahead! Don't stop! Keep going! You're going to love it! No seriously. Please don't go back. We haven't had many visitors lately. We love visitors. With ketchup. Just kidding! Please keep going!" The sign was ominous, but the pair continued. A beat up building on stilts was hanging above the water, surrounded by mist. They climbed the stairs and entered the building.

It was empty and eerily so. A sign stood on the counter, saying that the Boat Cruise was closed. Beside the sign was a holder full of tourist brochures. Link grabbed one and pointed to an icon on the map labeled "concessions ." It was behind the Welcoming Hut. "Well, this was a waste of my life," kvetched Tatl. The duo left the building and looked around. Besides the swamp, the only place they could see was an entrance into some thick woods. Facing no alternative, they headed towards it.

Right before entering, a colorful sight caught Tatl's eye. A house on stilts was located behind the Welcoming Hut. She figured it must be the concessions because it was shaped like a teakettle. Hoping for a nice cup of tea, the two waded out to the ladder, climbed up and entered the house. The house turned out to be a shop and a strange shop at that. A wrinkled prune of a witch hunched behind the counter. Tatl approached it, slowly. "Hello?"

"Hello, my pretty. Would you like some…snacks?" The witch asked.

"Um, no, there was no one at the Welcoming Hut so we came here instead. We have to find…something. I'm not sure what."

The witch grinned. "Well, since you have nothing better to do, why don't you go look for my sister, Koume, in the woods? She's supposed to be minding the Boat Cruise counter, but she wandered off into the woods a couple of weeks ago and hasn't returned."

Tatl really didn't want to. "You didn't look for your own sister for a couple of weeks?"

The witch, Kotake, giggled and mumbled something about monkeys while twisting a strand of graying hair around her gnarled finger. Tatl sighed and accepted the mission. Kotake fished around in her gown and pulled out a bottle of red liquid. "If, I mean, when you find her, give her this potion. It'll make her feel better."

The red potion shimmered seductivey. "What's in this stuff, anyway?" Tatl asked.

Kotake's pupils dilated. "Never you mind. Have a lemon lollypop. Shoo."

Tatl and Link were shoved from the shop and ushered down the ladder. Slightly creeped out, they tippytoed towards the entrance to the woods. About three feet from the entrance, a fluffy monkey suddenly swung down in front of them. "DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES…" As quickly as it appeared, it was gone. Tatl was nonplussed and continued walking. Another monkey dropped in their path. "GO BACK…GO BACK!" It, too, swung away.

A particularly pale monkey grabbed Link's tunic from behind. "YOU WILL LOSE…EVERYTHING…" it warned. Link grabbed his hat in a panic and threw Tatl a "help me!" look. Tatl glared at the monkey. The monkey glared at Tatl. Then it slowly slunk away. Right before the two crossed the entrance to the woods, a final monkey stepped in the way. "TURN BACK YOU MUST, OR SCREWED YOU WILL BE," it uttered in a gravelly voice. Tatl, startled by the way it popped out of nowhere, kicked it in the soft places. It giggled, winked and hobbled away. Link was petrified of both Tatl and the woods and didn't want to move, so he sat down and began humming "Single Ladies."

Tatl made as if to grab his hat and he gave her such a pathetic look that she left him outside the woods.

The woods were filled with a sickly sweet smell that floated around her head and made her dizzy. Pale flowers grew up the trees on vines peppered with sharp thorns. Tatl had barely flown three feet when she came across a horrible sight. A second wrinkly witch, supposedly Koume, was laying supine on the forest floor, covered in monkey poo and bananas. Many monkeys were gathered around her body, holding hands and chanting in a monkeylike fashion. "Ooo ooo Ooo OOo OOO OOO oo OOo OOoO!" Tatl, who could translate all languages, vaguely wondered why they were chanting "Kumbayah" to something named Ooccoo.

The sight was so disturbing that she pocketed the potion and left the woods. Link was still sitting morosely on the ground outside the entrance. He glared at her balefully when she reappeared. "Let's…go somewhere else," she said. He nodded, stood up, and pulled the brochure out of his hat. The map indicated that a large building was located somewhere around the bend of the river. Tatl stuffed the map back in Link's hat and lead the pair off.

Link waded through the swamp, following closely behind the fairy. At one point he tried to splash her with water, but she made such a threatening gesture that he paled and immediately ceased. She brought them to a large gate. Who should be guarding it but the two panicky deku scrubs from Clock Town? They shivered where they stood. "Link," they trilled, "you're here!"