Juliet awoke again as someone opened the tomb and let in sweet, fresh air. She tried to glance over to see who it was, when she heard Paris conversing with his servant. She closed her eyes and prayed that Romeo would come before Paris could do anything creepy. Her prayers were not immediately answered. Paris slowly walked over. Juliet smelled that he had a rose with him. That was just excellent (dripping with sarcasm).
Paris removed Juliet's shroud. He ran the rose gently down the middle of her face and onto her chest. His lips were soon to follow. Juliet felt vaguely guilty for not stopping him as he reached her lips. "Oh, my Juliet," he sighed, "So early were you taken from me. So young you are that your sweet breath would leave your body. Oh jealous heavens! Left you but one for me to savor?" He kissed her. "Your lips are still warm," he observed whisperingly.
Just then, Romeo burst through the entrance to the tomb. "Thou scoundrel!" he shouted, pointing his rapier at Paris. "Thou vagabond! Remove thine vile mouth from my Juliet." Paris drew his sword as well. "Your Juliet?" he asked incredulously, "I was the one who was to marry her! She was my fiancé!" Romeo flared. "Your fiancé?" he asked, "She was my wife!" They began to duel fiercely.
Juliet stood. "Peace, sweet Romeo! Halt, Paris! Put thy rapiers up!" Both men looked up. "Juliet!" they shouted in unison. The two of them rushed to Juliet's side, but Romeo reached her first. Romeo and Juliet shared a passionate kiss. "I thought you were dead," Romeo breathed. "I thought you loved me!" Paris said dramatically, "You told me you loved me! Your father said you were so eager to marry me that he had to move our wedding up a day! Why would you be so unfaithful? Why?" Romeo pulled away from Juliet. "Was all of that true?" he asked. Juliet sighed. "I had to lie to them," she said, "to keep our marriage a secret. Friar Lawrence and I had a plan-" Paris cut her off with more of his wailing. "It was all a lie!" he shouted, "My life is a lie! My own fiancé never loved me! My parents told me I was a mistake! My mother says that I'm part goblin! I lost my left foot in a terrible hunting accident and now my wooden replacement is giving me splinters, see!" He pulls his leg out of his boot to show Romeo and Juliet a bleeding, splintered stump. "And on top of all that," he continued, "I feel pretty when I wear your mother's clothing!" Juliet looked repulsed and asked, "My mother's?" Paris sobbed, "Yes!" and fell to the ground weeping.
"Someone has a few issues," Romeo muttered in Juliet's ear. She nodded in agreement. "Goodbye cruel world!" Paris sobbed. He pulled out a dagger and stabbed himself in the heart. There was an awkward silence. Suddenly, Friar Lawrence walked in. "Are you both here?" he asked, "Oh good. Now, - is he dead?" The three of them look down at Paris' body. "Yes," Juliet replied, "Yes he is."
Just then Lord and Lady Capulet rushed in. "What commotion is this," Lord Capulet started, and then he saw his daughter. "Juliet!" The Capulets ran over to hug Juliet, nearly trampling Romeo in the process. "Oh Juliet," said Lady Capulet, "I thought- Is he dead?" Romeo responded this time. "Yes he is," he said. "Aren't you a Montague?" she asked. Before he could even nod, Lord Montague burst in. "I heard screaming," he said, "What hap- Is he dead?" Everyone replied, "Yes." Montague turned to see Romeo. "My son," he said, "your mother is missing." Capulet coughed. Just then a female voice called into the tomb. "Love," it said, "It's probably nothing. Now, let's go to dinner before my useless husband wakes up."
The owner of the voice walked in and leaned on Lord Capulet's shoulder. It was Lady Montague! (Gasp.) She turned to see her husband. "What are you doing here?" she asked him. "I thought you said you were done with him!" Lord Montague said, "You said that Romeo was just one mistake!" Everyone turned to look at the Montagues. "What," Lady Montague asked, "like no one knew what this whole feud was about? You two are half-siblings." Romeo and Juliet looked at each other. Juliet was overcome by a sudden fit of retching and Romeo passed out.
Suddenly, Prince Escalus entered. "What's going on here?" he asked. "They just found out," Lady Montague said. "What," the prince asked, "about us?" She hissed, "No, you moron! That was supposed to be a secret. I was drunk, remember? I was talking about me and Capulet." The prince gasped, "Ooh, okay. I thought- Is he dead?" Everyone groaned.
For never was a story of more "Whoa" than this of Juliet and her Romeo.