Chapter 4

Hide had always considered himself observational. He had a sixth sense when it came to dealing with people and he could usually read them like open books. It hadn't taken him long to see that his favourite person to read was his best friend, Kaneki Ken.

Usually the small man had been easy to read, almost frustratingly obvious with his easily elicited emotions.

However the problem with Kaneki these days was that he was withdrawn, closed off and almost impossible for him to read.

Hide was aware of the fact that Kaneki was suffering. That much was obvious to even people who weren't close to Kaneki. The white haired boy just had an escapable aura of tragedy coating him. Those silvery eyes were usually downcast, far away, and so heart breakingly sad.

That was what had led him to constantly harass Kaneki. Hide was continuously trying to keep a smile on his face and laugh off his best friend's unusual harshness. Days had been passing quickly and he had felt his façade wearing thin, his smile slipping more often than not. He had been leaving him quicker, not lingering around him as he usually did, tiring of the cold responses the white haired man threw at him.

He just wanted to know what had started to bother Kaneki… His best friend had been improving so much, he had seemed to be getting happier. The dark bruised bags underneath his eyes had started to disappear and so did his constant unnerving knuckle cracking.

He had been feigning his oblivious attitude in front of him for a while.

He shook his head trying to snap himself out of his thoughts, and return to his work.

He was sitting in Anteiku, a pen pressed to his lips, waiting for Touka to finish her shift so that they could go out for a walk somewhere. He checked the clock across from him on the wall and saw that the woman still had fifteen minutes left. Huffing quietly he turned back to his notes trying to concentrate on studying.

Ugh math.

He rubbed his eyes, jotting down the equation to work on it somewhat. Nine hundred and ninety three, he mumbled to himself quietly, scribbling down the probably wrong answer.

He'd heard Kaneki muttering that constantly. It always started at nine hundred and ninety three, followed by the crack of knuckles, as the man continued to count down in sevens. Not only was it painful to view his friend in such a state but it was baffling.

Why was Kaneki doing that?

He had figured out that the habit had close links to his disappearance; he wasn't incompetent. However the thought that he had very little idea about the events that had transpired within the time Kaneki had disappeared made his skin crawl.

Recently Kaneki had started the counting again, accompanied by the cracking. The bags under his eyes had become prominent once more and overall his friend had returned to the mess he had been when they'd finally been reunited.

But when had this re-started?

Instead of the math work he was supposed to be doing he started writing down dates carefully, trying to chronologically arrange and observe the change in his friend's behaviour. It had started three weeks ago, he concluded finally, circling the date and tapping the pen on his forehead.

He wanted to help. Desperately make the white haired man with wintery eyes acknowledge himself as human and not a burden on Hide.

Nothing significant had happened three weeks ago. He tried to go back to the day and he felt as if his heart would stop when he came to the obvious realization.

He'd started dating Touka.

He'd told Kaneki and Kaneki had lost his cool.

This was all happening because he was dating Touka.

An odd feeling shot through his body and he rubbed his nose trying to figure out something else, anything that made more sense than the revelation that had be-fallen him. How could he have been so stupid?! It was so obvious. It always had been.

He took in a deep breath when he realized that his girlfriend was off her shift and was purposely walking towards him. He just couldn't believe that Ken had feelings for…

Ugh. He smiled up at the younger woman, who quirked an eyebrow at him.

'Move human, you're dawdling,' she said, a small smile on her lips.

'Bite me Touka-chan,' he grinned, pushing his notes in his bag, and taking her hand in his own. She shot him a radiant smile which sent a spike of adrenaline through him.

'Don't tempt me idiot.'

He had made sure Touka wouldn't be sharing any of his shifts, and even though he knew she wouldn't be around he concealed a sigh of relief when he was left with Koma-san and Irmi-san. He was quietly wiping a table when he heard them. The laughter he knew so well. The voices he would've been able to recognise anywhere. He gulped and continued cleaning with more vigour than he'd previously displayed.

'What was that Touka-chan!? He was trying to be nice! It was a free sample, you should've taken it!'

'Hmph, shut up idiot!' was the immediate heated reply. It made Kaneki's skin crawl with jealousy. There was so much intimacy in that single phrase.

''Mind your own business shitty old man!'' Hide laughed, evidently mimicking Touka, and the door of the small coffee shop shut with a soft thud behind them.

He didn't bother looking up, just discreetly moved to the back of the shop, cleaning, as the couple tottered in laughing and flirting. He was hiding behind the slight intersection of the wall, his stomach lurching at the thought of them touching. He took in a shaky breath.

This jealousy was vile and horrifically toxic.

He tensed at his own thought, self loathing washing over him like a wave. This was absurdly wrong of him. These two people were his best friends, they deserved better. He was supposed to support them, not hide and avoid them because of his own traitorous emotions. He had told himself constantly that he wouldn't be jealous, wouldn't be selfish for his most precious person. Yet here he was, pressing his hands to his mouth, trying to control his breathing and not cry. It was scary how quickly his impassive mask betrayed him and he was left so vulnerable.

He quietly moved, ignoring the animated chatter and hid behind the large plant near one of the tables. He blinked quickly trying to keep himself in check and painfully came to the realization that he felt alone. Empty and alone. At that thought a sob threatened to rise but struggling with himself he suppressed it. He would not cry for his selfish actions. He wouldn't cry over something that would likely hurt Hide. He wouldn't cry for something that didn't deserve acknowledgement.

'Where's Kaneki-kun, wasn't he here a minute ago?' He jolted at his name, silently cursing at Koma for acknowledging his existence and debated replying. No. Maybe he shouldn't. He'd probably have to confront them if he replied. In his emotionally drained state he wasn't sure he could face anyone. Much less Hide and Touka at the same time.

'Kaneki's working night shifts? Doesn't he have university stuff?' Hide asked innocently.

'I don't know, he asked the manager to switch most of his shifts,' Irmi-san supplied helpfully. Kaneki winced; he hated how it sounded put into words. It seemed almost completely obvious that he was trying to avoid any sort of confrontation with Touka.

'Kaneki-kun you here?'

He tensed hearing footsteps nearing him. He leaned back against the wall, hoping the plant would shelter him.

He saw Hide, followed by Touka, turning the intersection. Another few steps and they'd be completely upon him and he gulped trying to think of a legitimate excuse for hiding behind a plant and not answering them. Watering the plant? He rolled his eyes at his own foolishness. That thought had been so Hide like. Just as Hide started to walk forward Touka grabbed his arm, murmuring something softly. She was staring at the plant much to his terror, through it. Right at him.

He saw a flash of anger in her eyes, setting them alight with venom that startled him. Then just as quickly both her and Hide turned away with Hide calling out his name again.

He exhaled, closing his eyes, relieved.

Touka's look of pure hatred appeared behind his closed eyes and he felt the relief melting away.

He stayed there until the couple left.

He carried the coffee stiffly, served the customers with a reserved smile and instructed them to call for him if they required anything else. Returning he greeted the next set of customers and seating them, took their orders and went to prepare them. While on a normal day this workflow would have been incredibly soothing, today it was almost unbearable. He was tired to the point of collapse and wished he'd just avoided his shift today, asked for a day off. However he didn't want to ask the kind manager once more. He grimaced as Touka crossed the small back counter to grab some coffee beans and glare at his back.

Even if he wasn't looking at her, he could feel it. Feel the horrific anger in her stare which was boring into him. He wanted to melt into the ground. Picking up the less than presentable coffee he had prepared he turned to grab a tray and bumped into her, dropping coffee all over both of them. He let out a hiss of pain as most of the bubbling drink had dropped onto him and his exposed skin. Touka let out an exasperated sigh and he flushed.

'S-Sorry, I'll clean it,' he stuttered, and grabbed a cleaning towel, dabbing at Touka's destroyed shirt and apron. She didn't say anything, but she didn't pull away either, he saw this as a positive sign and wiped away as much of the brown liquid as he could. He heard the bell of the door opening and ignored it, continuing to clean off the mess he'd made. Her gaze was back on him, and he peeked upwards, his heart sinking.

The look she was giving him was that of pity.

'You better stop messing around, you shit.'

He swallowed nodding, willing himself to look away but it seemed almost impossible. She quickly looked away, walking to the back of the shop, leaving him abandoned awkwardly, his hand outstretched. What was that? He quickly snapped out of his trance and cleaned his spillage, not paying any attention to his surroundings.

'Ken?'

He froze, looking up, faced by a worried looking radiant blonde in iridescent clothing.

Hide?

Then without thinking, he followed Touka's lead. Shakily getting to his feet he ignored the blonde's calls, and exited into the back of the shop, leaving the building entirely through the back alleyway.

He started running as soon as the fresh air hit his face.

'What the hell were you thinking?!' Touka was standing over him, shouting, a worried looking Hide hovering behind her.

He blinked drowsily for a few seconds and sat up on his uncomfortable sofa. Touka was here? With Hide? He rubbed his eyes to make sure he wasn't hallucinating and stifled another yawn.

'Wha-' he started.

'Everyone is worried sick!' the girl screeched her kakugan flashing, and she trudged towards him, grabbing him from the collar of his shirt.

His thoughts were incoherent, clouded by the nightmares infested sleep he was getting.

'What did I do?' he asked, racking his brain. He didn't get a chance to think too much.

'You ran the fuck out of the shop!'

'Touka,' Hide said quietly, laying a gentle hand on her shoulder. Kaneki wished that that hadn't been the focus of his attention, but it was. He wasn't even paying attention to what Touka was screaming about. He was just tired. Lonely and tired. She closed her eyes, visibly struggling with her anger and let go of his shirt, dropping him back on the sofa and watching him struggle into a sitting position.

'We thought you'd been taken,' the unsaid again hung in the air between the ghoul and the half ghoul and he bit his lip.

'I'm sorry. I-I just felt sick,' he said, not looking her in the eye. He scratched his chin awkwardly and tried to ignore the weight of their gazes upon him.

'Just try to fucking say something before running out.' It was evident she was calming down; Hide seemed to be running soothing circles in her back, both their eyes still on him.

He nodded weakly and apologized again, trying to rid himself of the lump in his throat.

'So will you be going to university?' Hide asked, finally speaking up, a shaky smile on his lips, his eyes dulled with worry.

'Yeah,' he replied tiredly, looking over them and trying not to show too much emotion. His jaw was starting to ache with the amount of effort he was putting into not crying.

'We should leave you to rest,' Hide said, nodding at Kaneki understandingly and turning. Touka reached him, entwining their fingers, and turned to the white haired man.

'Rest idiot.'

With that, the two disappeared, closing his door with a sharp thud and click.

He closed his eyes, the wetness sliding down his face into his hair.

'Kaneki! Kaneki! Oh God! Kaneki snap out of it!'

He lurched, dropping a plate to the ground letting it fall into a large puddle of soap, blood and water. It shattered as soon as it made contact with the ground. He stared at the sight dumbfounded; unable to adjust his brain to what was happening. He felt a sharp sting across his face and realised he'd been struck.

He raised his eyes to meet fiery violet ones and swallowed nervously, lifting his hand to his cheek and wincing. He'd deserved that much from her. Turning he realized that he'd let the sink overflow, and not only that, he'd managed to receive a large, oddly deep cut across his left hand. He stared at it confused and turned to Touka whose eyes, following his, had latched onto the deadly looking wound on his hand.

'I don't know how that got there,' he said to no one in particular. His voice echoed in his head, sounding distant and lost.

Touka's eyes snapped to his face, her stare ruthless.

'Get out.'

He obeyed.

'A week off would be more than enough, thank you,' he mumbled meekly, exhaustion evident in every word. He wanted to collapse. He felt a constant heavy burden upon him and he just wanted to lie on the ground and stay there.

The manager nodded, smiling at him gently.

'If you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask, Kaneki-kun.' He felt as if he didn't deserve the kindness this man was displaying to him and bowed.

Replying with a soft 'Thank you' he left as quickly as he could manage, trying to avoid eye-contact with those working there. He felt their eyes trained on him as he exited quickly, the bell ringing behind him.

They all knew about his break down. They all thought he was crazy. It wasn't upsetting; he himself thought he was crazy. He was breaking down constantly, his neighbours had complained about the noise he made at night. Complained about how they were unnerved by the constant screaming. So after being threatened to be evicted he decided he'd stay awake. He'd just read, or think, or watch TV or study.

Today was the third day of his sleepless nights, and he was swaying on his feet as he walked back to his apartment. His eyes were trained on his feet and his head was plagued with thoughts of trying to stay awake. He had to get through this. He had to make himself stop being so upset about these unwelcome feelings. They were harming him, not only emotionally, but physically. It was as if the jealousy had become a part of him, just as Rize was. He felt that every action he performed was dampened by the presence of that feeling. There was jealousy in his walk; there was jealousy in his words. It was disgusting.

He hated himself.

He wanted to collapse.

Staggering up the stairs to his apartment he was met by a welcome yet unwelcome sight. Honey coloured eyes rose to meet his own dull grey ones and a blinding, sunny smile split across the blonde's face. His bleached hair looked messier than before and he was in his usual bright clothing. Kaneki was sure his expression must have looked absolutely comical at the sight of his best friend sprawled on the ground in front of his apartment because Hide burst out laughing. Immediately a wave of tranquillity overcame Kaneki's flustered thoughts. It was so soothing, an immediate sense of relief washed over him at the sound and he found himself smiling.

'Man, you look like hell!' Hide exclaimed still chuckling, and pushed himself off the ground. The pale boy didn't reply and warily eyed his companion as he neared him. Hide ran his eyes over Kaneki, scanning his skin, his clothes, him. He seemed to be looking through him. He seemed to be seeing so much more than his ruined appearance. Much to his distaste Kaneki flushed and Hide laughed again.

This close proximity was killing him. He wanted more.

But of course he wouldn't get it.

That would be selfish.

Kaneki would never hurt Hide by forcing anything upon him.

He would never.

This was unreasonable, he told himself, unlocking his door and watching as Hide bounded in uninvited, acting like his usual energetic self.

'Kaneki~ let's watch a movie,' Hide suggested, settling down in front of the small TV in his room and hunting through a rugged looking box for an enjoyable DVD. Kaneki let out a worn out sigh, settling down on his bed and watched his friend hunt for a movie. He stared at the energetic way Hide thumbed through the different disks and his attention was drawn down to the fact that Hide had beautiful hands; un-calloused and thin. He had never noticed that before. His eyes drifted to the man's hair which was curling around the nape of his neck and his ears. It looked soft. Unbearably so. He wondered if Touka ran her hands through it and thought the same thing.

The reflection wrenched him out of his small daydream and he clenched his teeth, realizing the stupidity of his mistake.

'What about this one?' Hide was holding up what seemed to be the cheesiest Dracula movie he owned. As well as the oldest. He rolled his eyes at the decision and nodded, gesturing to the TV with his chin. The blonde grinned, setting up the movie and plopping down beside Kaneki. Their shoulders were touching as the movie began with bad music ringing through the room.

'Kaneki?'

'Mm?'

'I missed you buddy.'

He felt his throat catch at the sincere words and he looked up at the blonde, whose eyes were fixed on the screen a smile playing on his lips. He lowered his eyes again and bit his lip.

Hide was beautiful.

'I missed you too Hide.'

It felt like the only lie he hadn't told him in a while and he felt a large burden lift from his shoulders

'Hey Ken?'

His first name sounded like music to his ears coming from Hide's lips.

'Mm?'

There was a pause.

'You're such a nerd.'

He flushed as the blonde burst out laughing, and swatted him. Hide immediately started wiggling his eyebrows and choked on his laughter. Kaneki tried not to laugh. He had almost thought he had forgotten how to. He was proven wrong as he was doubled over within the next few seconds, clutching his stomach, their laughter filling the small apartment.

His eyes fluttered open to the tweeting of the birds and the morning sunlight filtered through the barely curtained window. It felt so odd, to be well rested, was his first thought. He yawned lazily, his eyes drooping and turned to his side, ready to doze off again. He was met by the sight of a certain blonde who was drooling onto his pillow. Kaneki stared, and blinked, and stared some more. What? He did a double take, rubbing his eyes and confirmed that Hide was definitely there. He supposed that he shouldn't have been as surprised as he was. They had had plenty of sleepovers in the past. Not only that, they had slept in the same bed without many qualms. So, no. This wasn't supposed to be as surprising as Kaneki found it.

He decided it would be best if he relocated to the sofa, but just as he was pushing himself up, Hide grabbed his arm.

'Sleep with me Kaneki.'

He could feel the heat rising to his face. It was too early in the morning for one of Hide's jokes.

'What?'

Hide pulled him on to his chest and wrapped his arms around him, holding him close. He didn't struggle much. The bleached blonde smelled horrifically amazing.

'Shhh, sleep Neki.' The blonde's voice was slurred with sleep, but his arms were iron around Kaneki's body. He rested his ear against Hide's heart and bit his lip, slowly closing his eyes.

He was so relieved Hide was here with him.

'Sleep with me Kaneki.'

She gritted her teeth, dropping her hand and turned.

She really couldn't trust anyone.

'I think Kaneki's getting better,' the blonde exclaimed, taking her hand upon seeing her. She tilted her head, trying to keep a straight face and not let her suspicion leak through. 'Oh?' The blonde looked at her, running his intelligent eyes over her face and she had to struggle with her expression. Her boyfriend was extremely intuitional as it turned out, much to her dismay. He was also much smarter than he let on. Overall Touka had been surprised how accepting he had been of the fact that pretty much all of Anteiku was run by ghouls. That was one of the reason she had said yes to his constant requests for a date, surprising them both.

'Yeah, we had a movie night which turned into a sleep over,' he told her excitedly. She could practically see the tail wagging behind him and had to stop herself from rolling her eyes. If only this idiot recognized the other idiots motives, if only poor innocent, human Hide wasn't so naïve when it came to his best friend's intentions.

'Sounds fun, what did you watch?' Did you sleep in the same bed? 'A bunch of horror movies, the nerd read through most of them,' the bleached blonde laughed, turning to her, grinning. She smiled back weakly. The whole scene was crystal clear in her mind, Kaneki had probably been seated behind Hide watching the blonde. Probably staring at him through the movie and not reading, as his friend had thought.

'That sounds like fun,' she laughed. Fun for Kaneki. Hide raised an eyebrow at her and she had to double take to make sure she hadn't said that out loud. It wasn't that she didn't trust Kaneki, but it was. She didn't trust him anymore. When he had first joined Anteiku he had gradually wore down her defenses and she had grown to not only trust him but even rely on him a little. Now he was just… different.

He was a wreck. He was more aggressive. He was confused, she concluded.

Those qualities made him dangerous.

'It was!' Hide ran a hand through his hair, laughing lightly and turned his warm eyes to her.

'He's just changed so much you know. He's quiet and it worries me that he's suffering. I miss that him but I'm really happy he's back. I'm glad he's not completely gone.'

'Mhm,' Touka replied, chewing her lip, trying to hold back her emotions. Hide's words were running circles in her head.

He's just changed so much.

I miss that him.

He's just changed.

She gritted her teeth trying to hold back a burst of hurt and anger.

'You're a really good friend Hide.'

She'd deal with Kaneki.

'I've had it with your shit Kaneki!' Touka did look like she'd had enough. Not only angry though, she looked upset. Like she'd been punched in the gut. He blinked at her confused, what had he done now? Had he upset her somehow? He scratched his cheek puzzled. He'd gotten through his shift without any mishap. He'd managed to help Hinami-chan with her kanji and he was helping after his hours to clear up.

'I- don't understand?' he stuttered, losing his nerve when finally making eye contact with the younger woman.

'Hide, Kaneki! I know you love him!' she yelled, spitting out the word 'love', her hands clenched. It took him a few seconds to process the information she'd dropped onto him and he froze. His breath caught in his throat and he stared at her aghast.

'W-what?!' His face was burning, his expression contorted with horror and her usual violet eyes were red and black. Without a second thought she threw herself against him and he narrowly avoided her, her fist missing his face by a few inches. After that it was a relentless attack of fists and kicks that he barely avoided. He was tiring of this; he should let her hit him.

'You know what Hide thinks right?' she shouted, clambering back towards him. He swiftly moved out of her way, contemplating whether he should restrain her or not.

'He's upset you're not you anymore.'

He froze, just as she managed to clip him on the jaw, hard enough to send him hurtling into the back wall. There was a large thud and he thanked Kami that the manager wasn't here to view this. He winced, sliding to the ground, as her words repeated themselves in his mind.

'He hates your stupid new withdrawn self!' She screamed. It was almost as if she couldn't control herself, her body was shaking. He licked his lips, trying to make himself void of all emotion. She settled herself on his knees and hit his chest lightly. Her head was lowered.

'He wanted the stupid wimpy you back, you shit. He didn't want your fucking attitude. He didn't want you to leave him. He didn't want you to become a huge fucking wreck. He loved you too, didn't you know that?!'

He bit his lip, blinking rapidly. A coldness settled over him as his mind went blank.

'Why'd you have to change?'

Her voice cracked as she fisted his shirt, shaking him. His head bounced off the wall on more than one occasion but he didn't feel it.

His eyes were fixed on her lowered head.

He felt like a leaking ship lost at sea.

Hollow and alone.

A/N: Wow this chapter has 3000 words extra. Hope you guys like it.

Thank you for the constant reviews. It means a lot.

I wrote this through the night so the quality may be trashy.

Love,

-Ever