Chapter IV: Conjoined & Crazed

"Come on Professor," Ace murmered. "Where are you?"

She'd been walking about a half hour; she began to think she'd been going in circles after taking a left turn earlier on, when she had come to a fork in the road.

At that fork, there had been a signpost, with three arrows. One had pointed to the right, and had read "Middle of Nowhere." The other two had pointed in the other direction; one read "To Tweedleskum's House," and the other read, "To the House of Tweedleskee."

I guess they live in the same house.

She looked around. The sky hadn't changed this whole time; it was still the color of late afternoon, probably close to teatime, she figured.

Then again, she never had been one for "teatime."

"HALT, IN THE NAME OF THE GREAT SONTARAN EMPIRE!"

"Contrariwise, IN THE NAME OF THE GREAT SONTARAN EMPIRE, HALT!"

Ace stopped and turned to the source of the voices.

Her eyes widened.

A tall, bulky creature dressed in a padded leather uniform, marked with black-and-white stripes, was standing nearby. A wide, silver belt was strapped around its copious waist, with a holster on each side, each containing a sleek, black wand; a weapon presumably.

It appeared to actually be TWO figures, as Ace realized upon closer inspection—conjoined at the torso, right down the middle, so that it seemed to be one vast creature with two heads. Each of their heads were dome-shaped, with greenish-brown skin, so that, to Ace's eyes, their/its heads looked like half-baked, moldy potatoes. Their eyes were small and black, their ears pointed, their brows thick and hairless—as they were, in fact, completely bald—and their noses flat. Their heads were each topped with a black-&-white cap, and they scowled at Ace, beady eyes roaming up and down her body, as if they were examining her.

Ace stood still. The figure—figures—stood still.

Neither side spoke.

"If you think we're waxworks," said one head at last, in a deep growl, "You ought to pay, you know. Waxworks weren't made to be looked at for nothing, nohow!"

"Contrariwise," said the other head, in a voice that was exactly the same, no matter how hard Ace tried to discern it from the other, "If you think we're alive, you ought to speak."

"To start off with," the first snarled, "State your name, rank, and intention."

"Well...my name is Ace, I don't know my rank, and I'm trying to find a friend of mine. Have you seen him? He's about so high," Ace went on, holding up a hand to demonstrate, "With a white hat, and an umbrella..."

The heads each bit their lips, looked at each other, then turned back to Ace.

"Nohow."

"Contrariwise."

Another silence came over the scene.

"Um...you are?"

The figure stood a little straighter, each head raising its chin.

"I am Sergeant Tweedleskee," said the first head, "First Head of the First Sontaran Special Care Unit."

"And I," the second droned, "Am Sergeant Tweedleskum, Second Head of the First Sontaran Special Care Unit."

"First Unit? Is there another around here?"

The creatures ignored her, suddenly turning toward each other.

"Skum, you imbecile!" snapped Tweedleskee. "You just revealed your identity to the enemy!"

Ace took a step back, reaching for her baseball bat. She took notice as the arm on the right of the creature hovered its fingers over the wand-like weapon.

"Contrariwise," Tweedleskum countered, "You revealed your name to the Rutan swine first, Skee!"

"Rutan?" Ace inquired. "What's that?"

"Don't play dumb," snorted Skum. "You are, of course! No doubts about it, nohow!"

"Your disguise does not fool us! A Sontran is raised from birth to know his enemy upon the field of battle" Skee agreed, with a contemptuous sniff.

"Look, whatever these...Rutans are, I'm pretty sure I'm not one...I'm a human."

"A likely story," both heads said at once.

"Typical Rutan treachery, clumsily trying to cover up its true identity," sneered Skum.

"Rutan scum, surely you are aware you are the most hated enemies of the Great Sontaran Empire," snarled Skee.

"Able to take the shape of any living being, of any size, of any stature!"

"Annihilate them!"

"Obliterate them!"

The gruesome pair then, simultaneously, shouted, "For the glory of Sontar!"

And with that, each side whipped out their weapons.

Ace took out her bat instantly, holding it up in one hand, the other hand heading for her Nitro-9—a special explosive the weaponry-savvy young woman had mixed up herself.

"It is futile to resist your total destruction!" smirked Skee.

"Prepare to meet your utter demise!"

"Hold it, hold it!" Ace said, not sure how she could fare against the Siamese twin alien. "You say these Rutans can take on ANY form?"

"Particularly dense, aren't you?" scoffed Skee.

"Indeed!" agreed Skum. "Contrariwise, any Rutan knows that a Rutan can take any form!"

"Then I can't be a Rutan, can I?"

"Don't try to weasel out of it!" snapped Skum, as the two stepped forward, raising their weapons a bit higher. Ace took a step back, in response. "Confess to your deception before we rid of your pestilence from our land!"

"Contrariwise, Rutans are very capable at shapeshifting! Why, they might even be able to take the form of proud Sontaran warrior, if they so desired."

Both sides shuddered.

Ace got an idea.

"Is that so?" she began, cautiously. "Well, then, perhaps one of you two...heads, is a Rutan in disguise?"

Both sides gasped, and the guns lowered immediately.

"Don't be absurd!" Skee said, horrified. "What a preposterous notion!"

"She has a point, though," whispered Skum.

Skee gaped at his other side.

"Brother, have you taken leave of your senses?! We are of the same clone batch!"

"That's why we're here, I know; the machine failed to separate our two parts adequately."

"A one in six-billion factory error," sighed the first.

"We were marked with the shameful stigma of 'tweedle-' a profane and vulgar insult in the Sontaran tongue."

"And so, as 'failures,' we were fated to choose exile or execution."

"We chose exile, and were eventually captured and brought here for our 'imperfection.'"

"Don't you see, brother? We cannot be Rutans! Neither of us, nohow!"

"Aha!" snapped Skum. "Exactly what a Rutan spy would say! And you DARE to claim this hideous creature to be one of your own," he sneered, gesturing towards Ace, "When the real foe has been in front of me this whole time!"

"Aha!" snarled Skee. "Your stratagem has failed! Only a Rutan would make such an accusation, having the audacity to besmirch the name of a valiant Sontaran warrior. And only a Rutan would be so foolish as to make such a fatal mistake as revealing their identity through a botched bluff!"

Ace began to tip toe away, keeping her bat at the ready, just in case...

"A BLUFF?!" roared Skum, and pointed his weapon at his other head. "I'll show you bluffing! I shall kill you, in the name of the Great Sontaran Empire!"

"Not before I incinerate you on the spot!" growled Skee.

"Ha! I'd like to see a Rutan like you-"

"KEAW!"

All three looked up, as an eagle-like call—only three times louder—echoed overhead.

Ace stared. Above her flew an immense, black beast, with an upper half like an eagle's—save for the cat-like ears—and a lower half like a lion's, completely covered in black fur or feathers. Its golden eyes and yellowed beak were wide open, as it let out another cry. Its front talons, which glinted like blades, splayed apart as it swooped down.

A gryphon! But...they're not even real!

...Are they?

"An aerial assault!" shouted Skee.

"Take cover!" yelled Skum.

The large Siamese-Sontaran dropped, and Ace dove for cover behind a tree.

The Gryphon swooped in, just missing all three—two?—and flew away, letting out a third and final caw.

Tweedleskee and Tweedleskum rose, their vast, conjoined form shaking slightly.

"That was a close encounter! But, we live to dief another day!"

"Where were we, anyway?"

"You were accusing each other of being something called Rutans," Ace put in, stepping out cautiously, still holding her baseball bat in one hand.

"Oh-ho!" chortled Skee, and lifted his wand...pointing it at her. "So, you tried to turn my brother and I against each other! I must confess, you aren't nearly as stupid as we expected!"

"But it will avail you not," Skum said, smiling coldly. "I say we incinerate her, here and now!"

Ace gulped, eyes darting about, trying to reach for a Nitro-9 canister without turning her back.

"Contrariwise, I shall blast her, and claim the honor of ceasing her continued existence!"

"You shall have the honor?!" Skum rapped, turning at once. "She is MY kill!"

"Oh, indeed?! I saw her first!"

"Really, brother? Well, whose idea was it to blow her to bits?"

"Mine."

"No, it wasn't, it was mine!"

"MINE!"

"MINE!"

"Er...excuse me," Ace said softly, edging away from the scene slowly. "I'll just be...moving along."

"Oh, yes, don't worry," Skee said, generously, not turning towards her. "Just toddle off, little one."

"Yes, I'll brutally murder you later," Skum agreed.

"No, I will!"

"NO, I WILL!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"ME!" both shrieked, as Ace ran off leaving the homicidal twins to bicker on their own.

"Well," she said, stopping for breath, "That was...odd. Clearly they aren't the brightest bulbs in the box...now, where is the Professor...?"

And, without another thought on the matter, she continued on her way, the argument behind her still echoing through the trees.

"You let her get away!"

"No, I didn't!"

"Yes, you did!"

"DIDN'T!"

"DID!"