Okay, I'm really sorry I haven't updated in ages! I wanted to wait a bit before writing this chapter, in case anything was revealed about the twin's past before the end of the series. And then for some reason this chapter took ages to write. I ended up writing about a paragraph every day for about a week! Anyway, here it (finally) is!
Billie
As I run off it starts snowing again, heavily this time; blowing cold puffs of snow into my face. I barely even notice; I'm such a cold, wet mess already, my face filthy with snot and tears. How could a day that promised to be so good turn sour so suddenly? And how, just how could Toni be so horrible?
It's all my fault, I know. I let the jealous feeling niggling inside me get the better of me, completely ruined Toni's day. No wonder she hates me. And she's right; everything she and Floss said about me is. It must be, otherwise...
Only, I can't let myself think about what just happened. Though it's all I want to do, think everything over, make sense of it all. But if I think now, I'll only end up crying again, I know. So I have to stay strong, for now, at least until I can get away to be by myself, think everything over.
I wipe my tears away and walk on; I don't even know where I'm going. Back to the dumping ground, I guess; it's not like there's anywhere else. As I walk, I notice passers-by staring at me; I'm used to that, being a twin and in care, but now their expressions are different, more concerned. What must they all be thinking? Wondering what on earth a nine-year-old girl is doing trudging through the snow on her own, in tears.
It's embarrassing; I bet they all see me the same way that Floss and Toni did, nothing but a clingy little wimp.
I walk faster; I need to get back home, get away.
At the dumping ground, everyone's outside, playing in the snow. Most people are in the garden, and don't see me; but Jody and Tyler are at the front of the house, moulding snow into bricks for the igloo they said they were going to build. I try to walk through the open door without being seen, but at the last minute, Tyler spots me.
"Hey, Billie, how come you're back so soon?" he calls out. "Come and help us with our igloo!"
"No thanks," I say, careful not to turn round. If he sees how upset I am, he's sure to ask questions, and I can't face the humiliation of having to tell anyone what just happened.
"I'm just... getting a carrot," I say, using the first excuse that comes into my head. "To make a snowman."
Before he can answer, I head through the door, shoving it closed behind me. No-one else sees me; and that's the good thing about a snow day. Even Mike and May-Li are in the garden, so I have the whole house to myself. Which, right now, is exactly what I need.
I run up to my room, not even thinking about what I'm doing. But then I see my bed, next to Toni's - and stop. She could burst at any moment, and I can not, will not, face her. I can't bear being here; I need somewhere more private. I'm about to leave, when I find myself glancing under my bed. I pause, then reach down, picking up the small, green box underneath. Hugging it to my chest, I leave the room, closing the door behind me.
I don't even know where to go. The whole house is empty but, somehow, nowhere feels private enough. In the end, I just trudge up to the attic.
It's dark in there, which would usually scare me, but today, I barely notice. I close the door behind me and feel my way through to the window; the snow is still falling now, more heavily than ever. For a moment, I just stand there watching it fall, still white and perfect; unspoilt by footsteps and dirt. And now, finally, I let the tears fall, let myself cry properly.
How could a day that started out so perfect go so wrong, so quickly? And how could Toni be so horrible? We've always been close, because of everything we've been through; sometimes it was more like we were one person. But today, I felt like I hardly knew her.
I press my face against the window, staring out at the snow; for the first time I notice how much slower it falls than rain. Snow dances through the wind, occasionally skidding against the window sill, and I'm almost sure I can make out every individual snowflake. It's so peaceful just to stand there watching it, not thinking; there's something almost hypnotic about the way it falls, and I find it hard to tear my eyes away. But I turn round slowly, and sit down heavily, crouched under the window.
I pick up the green box from my room, and slowly open it up, taking out an old photo album. I leaf through the pictures, trying to remember when everything was still okay; when we were all still happy. It wasn't so long ago; it's crazy how things can change so quickly, how with a snap of a finger, you can lose everyone and everything precious to you. First Mum, then Dad... Toni was all I had left. And now she hates me.
I'm crying properly now. The tears plod onto the photo album, making rain-like marks on the photos, but I don't move to wipe them away. The memories are already ruined; so what if I spoil the photos with my tears.
I'm so busy sitting there, engrossed with fingering the photos and thinking about everything, that I don't notice the attic door open, footsteps behind me. So when the light switches on, I'm taken completely by surprise; I squeal instinctively, and swing round.
"Who's there?" I demand, quickly wiping the tears out of my eyes.
"What are you doing here?" Ryan demands, stepping out of the shadows. "How come you're not outside with the others?"
"I'm just not," I mutter, slightly suspicious. I don't know what to think of Ryan; Harry idolises him, but Tee doesn't trust him. I don't know which of my friends to believe. "Why aren't you?"
He pauses, kicking at the dust on the ground with his foot. I watch him curiously. "I just didn't feel like it," he says eventually. "I'm just... not into snow, I guess."
"Oh," I say. "Neither am I."
"How come?"
"It's Toni," I burst out; I hadn't meant to say anything, but I have to tell someone. "She hates me." I wait for him to reply, but he just raises his eyebrows, so I carry on speaking. "She thinks I'm a wimp, because I didn't want to go on the sledge. And now she's friends with Floss, she doesn't need me anymore and I don't have anyone."
"Yeah, well, that's life," Ryan says. "You're a care kid now, that's how things are for us. Families seem so close to you, you'd think they'd never leave you, that nothing bad could happen. But when it comes down to it, they don't care about you any more than anyone else. I guess you just need to get used to it; that's how your life is now. It might be Christmas, but you're still a care kid."
I frown slightly, trying to think about what he's just said. That can't be right, surely? Though he has got a point. I just don't like the sound of what he's saying.
"Is that your family?" Ryan asks, pointing to a picture in my photo album. I nod.
"It must have been perfect, back then." he says. "I bet you never thought anything would go wrong. But that's what people do; they leave."
"Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong." I say. "My mum didn't want to leave us. She died."
"Really?" For a moment, Ryan looks surprised, like I said something really unexpected. That's unusual; whenever Toni and I told people about our Mum in the past, they'd just look awkward, and say they were sorry. We both got so sick of it that we decided to stop talking about her. No-one asked too many questions after we went into care, anyway.
"Are you sure?" Ryan asks.
"Of course I am!" I tell him, angrily. "It's my mum."
"What exactly happened, then?" he insists.
"It was only three years ago," I tell him. "I was six. We came home from school one day, and... she was just... gone. We never saw her again. Dad cleared her stuff out and everything, he even went to her funeral."
"But you didn't? Didn't you want to say goodbye to your own mum?"
"Yeah, we did! But Dad said we were too young."
"Doesn't that strike you as slightly weird?" Ryan asks.
"No!" I say, firmly. I think back to when everything happened; it was horrible. Mum had been meant to pick us up from school that day, but she never came. Toni and I were left waiting, after everyone had gone home; a teacher came eventually and told us to wait inside while she tried to get hold of our parents, but no-one answered the phone, and we could tell she was starting to get annoyed. Me and Toni were bored out of our minds, so eventually we decided just to leave the school on our own and run home.
When we got home, nobody answered when we rang the doorbell. I guess that's when I realised that something was really wrong. Toni was banging on the door; she was really panicking, starting to cry, screaming for someone to open the door. In the end, I remembered the spare key, hidden under an empty flowerpot.
At first, we were just so relieved to get into the house that we thought everything would be okay. It was only after we'd taken off our coats that we noticed that the lights were all on, and the television was blaring out in the living room. We ran in, thinking one of our parents would be there, but again, the room was empty. In the end, we went to the kitchen to get a snack; and that's where we found Dad. He was just sitting there, crying; I'd never, ever seen him cry before and it scared me, more than anything else that had happened. I hardly dared to ask him what was wrong, but before we could, he looked up at us suddenly, like he hadn't even heard us come in. And that's when he told us.
The next day, it was like she'd never even existed. When we went to wake Dad up the next morning, all her jewellery had been cleared off the table, her pictures off the walls. Dad refused to speak about Mum; he wouldn't even let us mention her name. It was like she'd never been there, and all that was left was a cold, empty hole in my heart.
Nothing was ever the same after that; before, we'd had two parents, but after that it was like we'd lost both of them. It was like Dad didn't care about us, or notice us, at all anymore. Suddenly, we had to learn to do everything ourselves; get dressed, walk to school, make dinner. Sometimes we'd try to talk to Dad, get him to listen to us again, see us properly; but it was like we were invisible. Back then, I thought this cold silence, Dad refusing to acknowledge us, was the worst thing that could happen. I wish I'd known then how much, later, I'd wish we were back to being invisible again.
I can't let myself think about that, though; not now.
"Look, Mum's... gone, okay?" I say to Ryan, now. "I know she is. She must be."
"Oh, well then, I'm sure you're right," Ryan says, still looking thoughtful. "After all, you know your family. I bet you wish she was still here, though. And there must be a lot you don't know about her."
I nod. "I suppose so," I say; I'd never really thought about it.
"Only," says Ryan, "If it was me, I'd want to find out more about her. Where she grew up, what she was like, what sort of person she was. You know?"
"Well, I've got this," I say, holding up the box of memories. "And I do remember her quite a bit; she was my Mum."
"That's not exactly much, though, is it?" Ryan says. "A tiny box like that? And if you were only six when she died, you probably don't remember much about her. Wouldn't you want to find out more?"
"How, though?" I ask.
"Well, have you ever looked your Mum up on the internet?" asks Ryan. "You know, her social media accounts and that?"
"No..." I admit. "I've never thought about it. I wouldn't know where to start, though. And Toni wouldn't want me to."
"So you always do what she says?" Ryan says, challengingly.
"No!"
"There's nothing stopping you, then, is there? And there's no-one in the house now... you probably won't get a better chance."
I shrug; I guess I could have a look, and I would like to find out more about my mum. I'm not sure how I feel about Ryan helping me, though; this is something I'd rather do alone, and I'm still not sure I trust him. But I wouldn't know where to look on my own, so it doesn't look like I've got much choice.
"All right," I say, eventually. "Let's do this."