Disclaimer: Even though, from time to time I may use the words from the books, I do not and will never own any of the twilight series or its characters no matter how badly I want to.
A/N: Thanks to my awesome beta, Lyxa, she gave me some great lines in my story to add some spice. Check out her story, www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/4873643/1/The_Scale
Also the words in italics are Bella's thoughts and the words in bold are the lyrics to the songs.
*Beep*Beep*Beep*
What the heck is that awful beeping?
*Beep*Beep*Beep*
Will someone shut that sound off?
*Beep*Beep*Beep*
Edward, please tell it to...
With that last thought the present came rushing back to me. He wasn't here, and he didn't love me anymore. I sat straight up and I looked around my bedroom, hoping that he was really here and his leaving was all just a nightmare. I found my room empty and I was all alone.
Great, this is how my life is going to be forever! Damn you, you stupid Volvo driver.
I hated it, even the thought of his car brought tears to my eyes. (A/n: Lyxa idea, I love it)
Not again, I am done crying over you, you don't deserve my tears. I am strong I will survive, oh as long as I know how to…great I am singing a stupid song about surviving, what has become of me? But, in my defense it is about outer space, aliens can be real, if Vampires are, why not them? I am so losing my mind.
I slowly got out of bed and I turned on the radio to clear my head. The notes of before your love came filtering through the radio.
I'd never lived
Before your love
I'd never felt
Before your touch
And I'd never needed anyone
To make me feel alive
But then again,
I wasn't really living.
Tears started to gush out of my eyes now, running like a river down my cheeks. Those words made me lose it.
I quickly changed the station, this time a song more fitting to my situation started playing. Rascal Flatts, What hurts the most.
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out.
I kept the tears flowing, thinking back to my dream. In it, he loved me again and never left. There was no need for me to try and mend my broken heart, if that was ever possible in the first place.
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me
I fell down on my knees and I wrapped my arms around my torso, trying to hold myself together.
That's it! I'm tried of crying and falling apart!
I slowly got up from the floor and began searching for the one thing that will hold me together.
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
I opened my closet door and went straight for the pink jacket that Alice had gotten me on one of her many shopping trips.
And never knowing
What could've been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
I reached into the pocket and my hand felt that little piece of heaven.
Finally!
I pulled out the sharp, cold razor, which has stopped many of my trips down memory lane. This was the one thing that stopped me from falling apart completely.
Look what you have made me turn into; I'm a self mutilator. That's what I need to do now to stop myself from dying. It would have been nicer if you had just killed me. You might as well have; I'm just an empty shell, left to inflict pain on myself in order to keep from falling apart!
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doing it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
I pulled my arm out of my sleeve so that I could reach my shoulder blade easier.
I positioned the razor and put pressure on the blade. I let it sink into my skin, relishing the feel of that nice sharp pain. I proceed to cut vertical across my skin, leaving a nice long bloody gash in the metal's wake.
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
(Much to say)
And watching you walk away
Yes, this is what I need. Just a little more and I will be okay again.
And never knowing
What could've been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do, oh
Oh yeah
As, the song was coming to an end, I went to the other shoulder blade and made another nice slash on that spot. Blood was dripping down both shoulders now.
I used to get dizzy from the smell of blood, and truthfully I still do, but I have learned to tolerate it now. I went to my night stand and pulled out some gaze and tape. I applied the gaze to both shoulders, and then tightly taped it to stop the bleeding.
As I looked around my room, I decided to change it. Everything reminded me of him and I couldn't stand it anymore. (A/n: Lyxa idea, I love it) First, I moved the rocking chair and placed it in the back of my closet, so that I wouldn't have to remember him sitting there. I then started to push the head of the bed towards the window. As soon as the bed was where I wanted it to be, I moved the night stand to one of the sides of the bed.
There! Now if he comes back he can't come in. He will finally know what he has done to me. I thought gleefully.
Snap out of it Bella, he doesn't love you, he is never coming back.
I started to feel tears forming again. I pressed the palm of my hand against my eyes to stop them from coming.
I decided that I should take a nice hot shower, before I lost it again. I grabbed my toiletry bag off my computer desk and went to the bathroom.
I turned the water on as hot as it would go. I stepped into the shower and let the hot water sooth my stressed muscles. I grabbed my new Coconut shampoo. Every time I had washed my hair with the old strawberry scent, it reminded me of him. So I decided to change my shampoo and body wash to different scents so I wouldn't break down in every shower I took.
It had been getting so bad that I avoided showers for days at a time; my smell was getting so bad that Charlie even mentioned it.
After I rinsed my shampoo out of my hair, I grabbed my pouf ball and put some vanilla body wash on it. As I lathered up my body, I heard the doorbell ring downstairs. I quickly rinsed off my body and turned off the water and wrapped a towel around my body.
I ran out of the bathroom almost tripping while yelling at the same time, "Hold on, I'm coming!"
I ran into my room and dried off. I threw on my undergarments, then my black shirt that says, Take a picture it will last longer, along with my loose fitting blue jeans.
I turned around and ran out my room, deciding to leave my hair and shoes until after I found out who was at the door. As I reached the bottom step, I tripped and fell flat on my face.
I pulled myself up off the floor and mumbled to myself,"Great Bella, you can't even make it down the stairs."
I silently added in my mind, No wonder he didn't want you anymore!
I heard someone laughing on the other side of the door.
Great they heard.
I felt the blood heating up my cheeks and knew that I would be red as a tomato when I opened the door. I reached the door and yanked it open breathlessly.
As soon as my eyes took in who was standing in front of me, I felt my breath leave my body and my eyes bug out of their sockets, like in the cartoons. Sadly, I shook my head.
This is not real, I am still dreaming.