Chapter Four: Cooking?

Holly shut the guest room door behind her. She turned away from the door to see Juliet, in a pant suit, sleeping on the guest bed. Or rather, she had been sleeping.

Juliet blinked a few times, her eyes readjusting to the light as she sat upright on the bed. "Oh, hey Holly! Ah, sorry I kind of stole your bed."

"No, don't worry about it." Of course Holly couldn't really be mad. It had been a long time since she'd actually slept in the guest room while visiting.

Long enough, you'd think, she thought.

Juliet rolled her eyes, exasperated. "It's those twins. As soon as they wake up, they always come and find me, wanting to start on their science project or tell me about their crazy dream... which is fine, except you never know when those two are gonna wake up at four in the morning."

Holly laughed. It was easy for her to imagine Myles and Beckett doing something like that. Just like their older brother had been, they were quite determined 12-year-olds. It was just as well that their determination hadn't also manifested in the kidnapping of fairies.

It's crazy how long ago that was... So much has changed. As Juliet rambled on, a dozen memories sparked up from the depths of Holly's mind: of gold and goblins, orange plasma and dwarf polish. Things she hadn't thought of in years.

"... and now the twins are off somewhere doing God knows what. I wouldn't normally sleep in the guest room, but the twins never think to look for me here, and I noticed that you... eh, weren't using it much."

"Oh... right." This other small realization, spotlighted by Juliet, hit Holly like a ton of bricks.

Yes, a lot has changed. Wow.

As Holly marveled over this, Juliet grabbed her pillow and stood up from the bed. "I'll just get out of your hair then."

This pulled Holly back to the conversation at hand. "Oh no, you can stay if you want to. Artemis is... busy, so I was just going to hang around in the meantime."

"Well, okay, if you're sure." Juliet plopped back down on the bed. "So what is the criminal mastermind up to today? Building an opera house, colonizing a planet, or hacking into Foaly's diaries?"

"All very close, but not quite. Try cooking."

"Cooking?" Juliet pulled a face that was disgusted, intrigued, and a little frightened. "I've never even seen Artemis touch a frying pan, much less prepare a meal."

"Tell me about it." Holly frowned. Now that she thought about it, where had this interest in cooking even come from?

Juliet fingered the end of her messy braid. "Well, you know how people get when they stay up all night," she shrugged. "It gives them all kinds of revelations and just plain weird ideas."

Holly nodded, then actually considered what her friend had said. "Wait. What?"

"Oh, just some people pull an all-nighter and suddenly think they've found themselves. It's all very psychedelic, but if you ask me they're all just smoking some really funky-"

"No, Juliet, I mean the part about Artemis being up all night."

"Oh, that makes more sense." She grinned sheepishly. "Well, this morning, Beckett woke me up around five. He told me all about how he and Myles had found Artemis sneaking around the manor in the middle of the night. How they'd helped him come up with some big plan."

Holly was bewildered. Artemis hadn't just gotten poor sleep, he'd gotten no sleep. He'd been traipsing around the manor all night, doing Frond knows what with the twins. Meal planning?

And another thing.

I knew I wasn't kicking him last night, she thought, confused, but also a bit smug that she'd been right in that respect.

This doesn't add up. It's just... well, I know him better than anyone. So what would he need to lie to me for?

"Did Beckett say what they were planning?"

"No, he said it was top-secret," replied Juliet, unaware of how complicated the situation actually was, but glad to share what she knew. "I guess Artemis hadn't even wanted anyone involved at first, but when the boys found him, it was clear that he needed help on this one."

Holly nodded. Artemis did have a habit of getting into sticky situations with his plans. She'd accepted that. She had also accepted that she was usually the one who had to get him out of said situations. So why had he not mentioned anything about cooking to her before this morning?

It was a "surprise." That's what he said.

But this struck Holly as completely odd. It was very unlike Artemis to plan "surprises," cooking related or not... unless it was the type of surprise that she would not like. In which case he usually waited until it was too late for her to refuse.

Oh, d'arvit. And here I thought he might be proposing. Way to miss that one, Short.

Juliet noticed the furrowing of Holly's brow, and how the corners of her mouth had turned down. She tried to backpedal a bit. "Hey, don't get upset with Artemis just yet. I don't know if all that is even true. I mean, Beckett has been known to think his dreams actually happened. He could've just been a little confused this morning."

But Holly had a feeling that it had been no dream. It definitely explained why Artemis was acting so strange, not to mention sleep-deprived. Yet, she wondered why he had gone to all this trouble to hide cooking from her.

And it wasn't as if he'd never stayed up late before. Holly was fine with him doing that, but why had he gone through so much trouble to hide it from her?

For Frond's sake, I was nocturnal when I started in Recon. I can understand being a night owl.

Perhaps, she wondered gloomily, this was all an elaborate cover story, and he had only asked her to stay an extra day so he could receive magical assistance with some dastardly plan.

... Or, he actually was going to attempt cooking. In which case, things had just become far more dangerous.

"It's just... I thought... he seemed so fidgety yesterday," Holly finished lamely.

"Yeah, I could've sworn that he was planning on propo-" Juliet stopped herself, realizing that that was probably not the right thing to say. Holly, to her credit, did a serviceable job of only slightly wincing.

Juliet paused, not sure how to help. She had never been the best at understanding the Fowls - that was usually Holly's area of expertise. But perhaps some of her investigative skills could still be of use; after all, she was a trained Butler.

Juliet jumped to her feet, a new look of determination on her features. "Okay, I'd better go check on the boys - make sure they don't set anything on fire, email any international crime lords, the usual - but after that, I'll see if I can find out anything. If the boys won't spill, Butler generally knows what's going on in Artemis's head."

Juliet squeezed Holly on the shoulder and then dashed out of the room. No doubt she was ready to take on the world, now that she'd had some extra sleep.

Maybe some extra sleep will do the same for Artemis, she thought. Or maybe he's not even sleeping. Frond, for all I know he's out of the country by now. Or in the kitchen.

She decided to worry about changing out of her pajamas later. For now, she sank into an elf-sized chair, furnished specifically for her short stature. She let her face drop into her hands, and pressed the pads of her fingers into her eye sockets. Relieving stress.

She sighed. What are you up to, Mud Boy?

This was by far the strangest visit she'd ever had at Fowl Manor - and that does include the time she was kidnapped and locked in the basement against her will.

Myles and Beckett had been two very tired little boys this morning, and yet they had still been capable of making a task as simple as painting a wooden box a fire hazard. With yet another twin-related disaster averted, Juliet bounded into the kitchen to find Butler, the hem of her jacket only slightly crisped. The boys had offered her no additional information, so her next best option was to pick her older brother's brain about it all.

The manservant had now moved onto making omelets, crepes, and other assorted breakfast foods. He stirred and flipped the contents of the various skillets with practiced dexterity, not burning any food on the large stove.

Juliet glided over to the stove and pulled out one of Butler's earbuds. "'Morning, Dom."

Butler had of course anticipated her approach, due to his sharp soldier's sense. He'd also smelled her burnt jacket from down the hall. "It's only 8 o'clock, and you're already putting out fires?"

Juliet blew a stray hair out of her face. "You call it that, I call it 'babysitting.' After staying up so late you'd think the twins would be too tired to participate in flammable activities, but what can I say? I underestimated them."

"Yes, underestimating a Fowl usually ends with something going up in flames," he said, flipping a pancake.

"And speaking of the Fowl men," she swiftly changed the subject, "I heard that our boy Artemis was up all night with his little brothers."

"Really?" Butler frowned, pouring some almond milk in with a forming crepe. "And here I thought I'd instilled in him the importance of a good night's sleep."

"Has he mentioned any top-secret plans lately?"

"Not to me, no."

"Anything about cooking?"

Butler raised an eyebrow. "This is Artemis we're talking about? Didn't I ever teach you not to believe everything that twelve-year-old boys tell you?" In Butler's experience, that often lead to kidnapping magical creatures, time-travel, and very aggressive crickets.

"That's not from the twins." Juliet stuck her chin out for emphasis. "That came straight from the horse's mouth... or rather, the horse's mouth's girlfriend."

"Holly?"

"Yep."

Butler frowned. He had heard nothing of this plan. "Is there any crime involved in any of this?" He liked to keep Artemis on the straight and narrow. As much as that was possible for a Fowl, at least.

"No idea." Juliet dipped her finger into the pan, prattling on as she licked off the cluster of dough. "Myles and Beckett were so eager to tell me that they'd been planning all night, but God forbid they actually tell me what they were planning. Myles said that Artemis was doomed, but Beckett found the whole thing hilarious. I mean, what kind of a hint is that?"

This information did not clear up the situation for Butler. In fact, it left him more confused; Artemis's plans were not generally doomed, and were very rarely hilarious (at least not intentionally). The whole situation was starting to feel like a convoluted riddle.

"Whatever's going on," and here Juliet's voice became hushed, "it's turned Artemis into a bumbling oaf. I don't think Holly knows what to make of it all."

"Artemis has been acting rather strange this week," said Butler, stirring his concoction. In fact, when he'd asked his charge why Holly was staying an extra day, he had become a flustered mess - very uncharacteristic of him. "Holly staying an extra day, him being a nervous wreck, the sneaking around... it's almost like he's planning on..."

"Proposing?" finished Juliet, smirking.

Butler let out a disbelieving breath. "Wow."

"It's not that surprising, Dom." Juliet patted his shoulder. "Artemis isn't twelve anymore. Sometimes, non-twelve-year-olds get married."

Butler gave a small laugh. "I'm more surprised he's worked up the courage to ask in the first place. At any age." But then his brow furrowed. "Wow, awake one hour and he's already driving Holly crazy? That might be a new record."

"At least he hasn't done anything else yet," she chided. "In fact, he's probably still asleep." Juliet's expression grew thoughtful. "Or he's looking at cooking recipes. This whole morning has been very strange."

"That sounds like an Artemis plan," said Butler, preparing himself to go solve a variety of problems. So much for a relaxing Saturday. "I think I'd better go check on our sleeping beauty. Have you got breakfast under control?"

Juliet plucked the spatula from Butler's hand and shouldered him out of the way. "Well, if I mess it up, it is definitely Chef Artemis's job to fix it!"

Butler stepped out of the kitchen smiling, as Juliet started very liberally adding spices, flavors, and more to her cooking pan.

"Artemis, wake up."

Now, before you get the wrong impression of Artemis or Butler, it should be noted that Butler no longer functioned as Artemis's butler in a personal sense. He still performed duties around the manor, kept Artemis protected during business ventures, and was a loyal friend. But his days of being Artemis's personal assistant were long gone - the boy was in his twenties now, for goodness sake.

... Having said that, Butler still allowed himself to occasionally intervene in Artemis's personal matters, on a case-by-case basis.

Again, the boy was in his twenties, for goodness sake.

And so Butler stood in Artemis's room, prodding his charge in the back to wake him from his deep sleep. "Come on, there's no sleeping on the job. And I don't think you can afford to take any more breaks on this one."

Artemis all but resembled a slug as he rolled over to look at Butler. His blood-shot eyes cracked open. "Wha..?"

Butler kneeled down. He pulled Artemis upright by the shoulders, and tried to get him to focus on something.

"Artemis, what is the square root of nineteen thousand, eight hundred seven?"

The math seemed to propel him towards coherency. His eyes drew open as he ran the imaginary numbers in front of him. "One hundred forty and..." he stopped momentarily to yawn, "... eighty four hundredths. Approximately." The extra hour of sleep had made a difference.

"Good. What is the capital of Czechoslovakia?"

"Prague."

"How many fingers am I holding up?"

"That is obviously a trick question, as your fingers are all currently occupied with holding my shoulders in a death grip."

"Right. And when are you planning on proposing to Holly?"

"Today."

Artemis eyes widened at his own involuntary answer. He was certainly awake now. The flushed color seeping through his normally pale-as-a-bed-sheet face was a peculiar sight, if sympathetic. "I, eh... forgot to tell you earlier." His eyes widened as he remembered the mess that had been the previous night. "Preparations were quite... chaotic."

"So I heard," said Butler, releasing his grip on Artemis.

Artemis sighed. "I apologize that I didn't share my plans with you sooner. Truthfully, I hadn't planned to tell anyone, really. But you know how, well, perceptive the twins can be." Then his brow furrowed. "Wait. You heard?"

Butler shrugged, which was communicative enough.

"Juliet," they said simultaneously.

Artemis's face fell into his hands. He rubbed his eyes to distract himself. The action was quite similar to the one Holly had made an hour earlier. "Of course. I should've expected them to run and tell Juliet about their creative contributions." Although he was surprised by how quickly they had managed to spread their story - and how lucid they were after staying up so late, for that matter. He'd be damned if his age, not to mention a dozen inter-dimensional road trips and fatalities, weren't catching up with him.

"Has Holly found out about the plan?" Although the morning was a hazy blur for Artemis, it would've been difficult to forget the downcast look in Holly's eyes when he'd explained his "cooking plans." If she found out he'd been fibbing before he had a chance to pop the question, as it were, the results could be catastrophic.

"She's still in the dark... more or less. Although I wouldn't put it past her to get frustrated and try to crawl out of the dark soon enough. Now, what exactly is this plan, Artemis?"

"It's a long story." Artemis lifted his head from his hands and stood up. Butler was surprised to see an exhausted but nonetheless trademark vampire smile. "It's a somewhat convoluted plan, but I believe it to be of the highest quality." The man then tried to make a joke. The aftereffects of exhaustion, you know. "Maybe I should start doing all of my planning at four in the morning."

If Butler had not been a respectable bodyguard (read: well-paid), he would have face-palmed. Instead, he shoved down this impulse and stared very calmly at his principle. "True as that may be, for goodness sake, Artemis: what made you think it was a good idea to do all of your planning the night before the proposal?"

"There's no time for questions like that, old friend."

"But cooking, Artemis?"

The smirk disappeared from Artemis's face, and Butler could've sworn he saw his eye twitch in imperceptible frustration. Seeing this was almost as fulfilling as face-palming would've been.

"I forgot to mention one thing, Butler... It looks like I'm going to need some emergency cooking lessons."

Butler could breath a sigh of relief at this. "That's one thing we won't have to worry about. I've cooked up quite a breakfast this morning."

"I'm afraid that won't work." Artemis pinched the bridge of his nose, thinking. "You'll need to throw it all out, and make something much more basic. It's not ideal, but be honest: do you think anyone would believe that I successfully cooked a crepe?"

Butler could not argue with that.

"While this cooking business was a rather clumsy improvisation of mine, it actually fits well enough with my original plan." Artemis stooped down and retrieved his proposal notebook from under the bed. He flipped through it, then carefully extracted a single page. "Integrate the first step into breakfast, and then we'll be back on schedule," he said, handing the bodyguard his instructions.

Butler scanned the page. He paused. "Lollipops?"

"Trust me, old friend." There was both confidence and self-doubt in his tone. "I have my reasons."

Butler nodded, snorting all the same. "If you say so."

"I have arguably not been doing my best work this morning," said Artemis, running a hand through his hair. "But now that I've gotten some rest, my mental facilities should return to their normal level of functionality. Yes, my conversation with Holly has not exactly set me up for success, but that's nothing that my ability to 'plan on the fly' cannot fix."

Although there was no question mark at the end of his sentence, Butler could sense that his charge was needing some affirmation of this. "It's saved my rear numerous times."

"It's difficult to admit this, Butler." Artemis looked up at the man; for all his wealth, intellect, and status, he looked strikingly like a scared little boy. "I'm not just going to need assistance, or my brain, or even magic. For this complex of a venture, I'm going to need"- his lip curled at what he was about to say -"some plain old luck."

And for a moment, Butler's brow softened, and he lay a hand on the shoulder of the man he'd practically raised - after so many near-death experiences, Butler could hardly believe he was alive to see him become a married man. And that Artemis was alive to become a married man.

Also, that Artemis had managed to find a girl who liked him enough to marry him.

"Well, it's a good thing you're Irish."

"You know, Beck, now that I think about it, I don't think Artemis ever actually okay'd this portion of the plan."

"You've got to trust me, Myles. He needs this for his plan to succeed."

"That is certainly debatable. However, I'm never one to pass up the opportunity to create some, ah, experimental art."

Myles and Beckett stepped back to admire their finished box, torches still in hand.

Butler strode into the kitchen. He found Juliet flipping pancakes with her eyes closed. To be fair, she was doing it very well.

"Okay," he said, all business, "here are your instructions from Artemis. Throw all of this out, and start from scratch. You can cook anything you want. The only requirement is that it can't be very good."

Juliet raised an eyebrow. "Well there's something you don't hear everyday."

"It has to look like Artemis cooked it."

"Oh. Now it all makes sense."

"And you have to incorporate lollipops in there somewhere."

"... Okay, remind me to start checking Artemis's bed every night, to make sure he's in it. He cannot be staying up this late anymore. It's bad for his brain."

"I agree with you there."

A/N: I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! I'm always excited to hear any thoughts or comments. Thank you so much for all of the great reviews! I am planning on replying to all of them soon - sometimes, I have trouble keeping track of which ones I've already replied to, so that's why there's been a delay, haha.

Also: if you have the time, I'd appreciate it SO MUCH if y'all checked out my new oneshot, "Stockholm's Storyteller." It's much darker than this story, but I'm very proud of how it turned out!