rockstar-101- Lovely to hear from you again, and thank you

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Chapter Three

Infuriatingly Suspicious

It made me so angry how bloody perfect Regulus would always try to make himself look. There was no way I was going to be civil this morning, as I hadn't slept due to pain and nightmares and my emotions should not have been considered to be my responsibility. The only hope I had was that Regulus would not try to speak to me about last night, the goings-on of which I did not understand and therefore was scared and confused about. My whole approach to that was to try and forget about it entirely, and hope that Regulus had been on muggle drugs and he had no recollection of it anyway. His face was clear of everything but an emotionless gaze, and his black hair was swept back in a wave that my hair would have been like if I cut it at that length. I think, at that point, my hair was a bit far past my ears, but not long enough to actually look long. It was straight, as well, just because I dried it that way. My hair used to be so important to me... anyway, Regulus had it combed back in a way that made him look quite like an nineteenth-century rake, and I don't even think he knew it. This fact of his effortless hairstyle spurred my anger further, which continued to grow as I looked him up and down, noticing that his clothes were neatly pressed and his shoes were nicely shined. I felt like shit, and looked it with a muggle cigarette dangling lazily out of my mouth. When I woke up early that morning, I didn't even bother to look at myself in the mirror, and I knew that I was not at my best-looking in the mornings, especially because I usually donned an off-putting scowl. This was pointed out to me by James, who said at breakfast one morning that he had only ever seen that look on one other face; the face of a garden gnome he had kicked out from behind his mother's hydrangeas.

"Morning..." Regulus said, somewhere to the left in my peripheral vision.

"Morning." I replied flatly, with all intention of ending our conversation there. Regulus had other ideas, and sat down at the table as if our talk was going to be a long one.

"Look, about what happened last night-" Shit, he remembered.

"Don't worry about it." I said, doing all I could to stop him in his tracks, but to barely any avail.

"But Sirius, I-" At this point, I was done speaking. I turned and looked at him, using an expression that I had used, regrettably, on Augusta Longbottom in first year, making the poor girl cry the night away in the girls' lavatory, "Don't worry about it."

This came out as more of a growl than anything else, and I was disgusted to hear my fathers' voice coming out of my mouth. How much like him was I... am I? However much it is, Regulus recognised it and got the look on his face that he did whenever father was in the room. I thought of how well Regulus was treated by our parents, and how badly I had been treated since I was accepted into Gryffindor. This fact made me even angrier, drudging up old unsettled matters with my parents and I that I'm sure darkened my expression even further. I was so wrapped up in my own emotions that I hadn't noticed the tidal wave preparing itself in Regulus. He was a soft-spoken boy, though not so much soft-spoken as to the fact that he had talked less and less throughout his years at Hogwarts, but his Black temper still simmered quietly underneath the calm façade that he wore as a mask to the world. Well, the mask had been torn off, and the large kitchen echoed with his hateful voice, shouting out the longest two sentences I had heard from him in months, "Look, it's not my fault that you and Lupin are flamers and that Dad put a stop to it! Maybe it's better that you're not off shagging some goddamn werewolf!"

And thus, my mask of subtle hostility was cast aside just as easily as his mask of complacency. How he knew that Remus is a werewolf I would later come to find was all of Sniv-, um, Severus' doing, but now I didn't even have the emotional consciousness to ask. I stood and the chair I had been sitting on flew out from under me, and I simultaneously pushed the table out of my way, the cigarette burned into the mahogany. I grabbed him by the shoulders and shoved him against the wall in my fury and barely noticed that he was now balancing on the back of his chair as it leaned backward on two legs. Though the muscles from Quidditch were hidden craftily under his button-up oxford, there was no way Regulus could have pushed me off, though Merlin knows he tried. The words that came out of my mouth next, I still have no idea where they came from, as they hardly had anything to do with what I had just been thinking about.

"You're just like them. Dad and Mum, you are EXACTLY LIKE THEM," A true growl was forming in the back of my throat now, and I didn't care if Regulus heard it or not, "Judging everything I do, everything I say... I'm fucking sick of it, Regulus!"

"Sirius, I..."

I wasn't interested at all in what he had to say after what he just said about Remus and I, but I found myself asking, "What, Regulus? What do you all want from me?!"

Suddenly, something very strange happened. It couldn't have went on in more than a second, but time somehow seemed to slow. Looking at Regulus like this, his fingers clawing against me and his hair all tousled, there was a difference in his appearance. I knew the cold look that was usually in his eyes, but now there was a look of something I couldn't quite place, just like the night previous when I thought he was on muggle drugs. Strangest of all was the fact that I felt something inside me, as well.

"Sirius, I lo-"

"Boys, stop fighting!" the sound of my mother's startled and shrill voice was enough to make my ears pop as she appeared in the doorway, dressed in all of her ancient finery underneath a pristine black traveling cloak. I wasn't going to deal with this; not now, not after staying up all bloody night haunted by dreams inspired by this terrible place I had once called home.

I heard my mother's sickening babying tones she used whenever she spoke to Regulus to 'console' him, and I was somehow proud to hear an incoherent but angry retort by Regulus in response to her coddling. Believe it or not, I had once been in his place, but that was when I was young enough to be coddled. Though I felt pride for my younger brother welling up inside me, it was not enough to subside the rage that had been there before. I stalked over to the fireplace and stepped inside, grabbing the floo powder from the mantle over my head and thrusting it beneath me, shouting, "Diagon Alley!

It was only when I was being sucked up though the chimney did I realise what I thought Regulus was about to say.

Since I had been too angry to state exactly where I wanted to go in Diagon, I ended up landing on my feet in one of the nameless stalls that are wedged between the more prominent shops in the Alley. Inside this rickety old shop there were charms that claimed to prevent attacks against werewolves, and I entertained the thought of buying one for Remus as a gift. I quickly decided this was too cruel, even for me, but bought it anyway. The witch behind the desk, who was basically the human equivalent of the shop she owned, didn't speak and was partly veiled, looking out at me through one bloodshot eye with a look of apprehension. For a moment, I thought I had somehow landed in Knockturn Alley, but upon looking outside, I saw that was false. Technically, I was on Diagon, but Knockturn was the next shop over. Through this entire scenario, the woman didn't say a word to me, and I said just as much to her. Looking at the people walking beyond the dirty glass, I felt as though it wasn't real, or like I was watching something that had forgotten me, forsaking me to eternity inside this squalid little stall. When I turned around, I saw that she was gone from behind the desk, and every candle that had been burning in the shop had been extinguished, but with no hint of smoke as if they had never been lit at all. Worse still, all the merchandise was gone and the ancient tables and desks they had been set upon were covered in undisturbed dust. The ten knuts I had paid for the amulet sat on the desk that the witch had been sitting behind. Now, I knew this was possible with magic, but there was a terrible feeling brewing in my gut and something told me that I had to get out of that shop. I tried the door, but it wouldn't budge, and I inexplicably panicked. I whipped out my wand and blew the door handle off, getting out into the light as fast as I could.

It was an uncommonly cold day for summer, and you could tell that fall was well on its way. I wrapped my school scarf tightly around my neck and looked behind me at the door, swinging eerily in the breeze. Shivering, I didn't need to look towards Knockturn, already feeling the eyes of the resident dwellers in that dark and foreboding place, whose thoughts behind their eyes were pitying towards my family to have a firstborn who had gone so wrong. I walked towards Diagon, and reminded myself that I would be meeting Remus, James and Peter at Gambol and Japes, which automatically put the bounce back in my step and I soon began to run through the crowd. I was looking at all of the shops that I had to get supplies from, but they could all wait until later. I needed to stock up on some on some pranking supplies, first thing. It had been all summer, and without the normal correspondence, which James and I had grown used to it was hard to plan the sort of tomfoolery we would normally get up to within the course of a given year at Hogwarts. Haha, I love that word. Tomfoolery. Hah. Anyway, when I saw my friends in front of the shop, it was quite surreal, as if they weren't actually there. They were bathed in the early morning light, making even Peter look somewhat angelic and golden in front of the reflective window. As soon as they saw me, they all started calling my name and I ran over to meet me with warm hugs and handshakes from my then best friends. I use then, of course, towards Peter. When I met Remus' eyes, there was a close bit of awkwardness, which I quickly closed with a tight embrace. I thought it would be of bad taste to whisper something dirty in his ear, but I suddenly wanted to so badly. James wrapped his around around me, leading me into the shop and blathering on about something related to the last school prank. Before he could pull me away entirely, I gave Remus a final tantalising look that I could feel him react to.

As we were looking through the shop, Remus and I exchanging scandalous looks that only a suspicious old wizard believed that he had noticed, and kept shaking his head to convince himself otherwise. Filling our pockets with Filibuster's Fireworks and other delightful bewicked things that were more than likely to get us all expelled at some point that year, it took us about an hour before we remembered that we still had books to buy. I was the only one who didn't search through his empty pockets to see if I had enough money left- my parents may have despised me, but they weren't about to let a Black go around looking poorer than dirt, which I would be by the end of the year. It was at this point that I noticed Regulus walking down Knockturn, which wouldn't have been such a strange thing, except for the fact that Lucius Malfoy was, unnoticed, following closely behind him. For all of his talents, Regulus was practically deaf. I blame his muggle swing records. I had seen Malfoy hanging around Regulus, since we were somewhat related to the Malfoys and all, but I never accepted that fact. Whenever Lucius asked him to do something, I noticed, he would do it with no questions asked. I didn't understand this, therefore it annoyed the ever-living hell out of me. So, I really did not think twice about it until I saw Malfoy's shadow grabbing Regulus' and pressing him against a brick alley. There was a struggle (like I said, Regulus was stronger than he looked), but ultimately, Lucius had pinned him down. I turned and walked out of the shop with only a word that I don't remember to James, who was standing in line. I pushed the shop door open and ran across the street to Knockturn, glancing for a moment at the abandoned stall I had arrived in. James and Remus were close behind me, Peter was nowhere in sight, and I saw Lucius with his mouth to Regulus' ear, speaking inaudibly in what sounded like a lustful whisper. I pulled out my wand and aimed it at Lucius, ready for anything he threw at me.

"What the fuck is going on here?!" I shouted.

The sound of my voice reverberated off of the close walls of the alleyway and made the two of them jump. Regulus' deep blue eyes looked black and Lucius' white as they stared at me in shock.

"Malfoy, you let go of him now." I growled, moving closer.

He pulled himself off of Regulus and flipped his stupid blonde hair out of his face that held his pretentious smirk, "Alright, Black. Just a business proposition between friends, nothing to get excited over."

Malfoy only said this because my wand was right in his face and I wasn't about to move it until he was a few metres away from Regulus and myself. He looked at Regulus, who glared at him with hateful eyes, "See you in Common Room, Regulus."

With that, he walked off and I followed him with my eyes until he was out of sight. When I turned, I saw that Regulus had redirected his stare towards Remus, who suddenly looked very frightened and confused at this treatment from him. James, surveyor of awkward moments, finally found a solution, "We'll wait for you around the bend then, yeah?"

I nodded, and I heard they're footsteps walk away and not in the same direction as Malfoy. Regulus was standing now, the same expressionless look returned to his face as he- buttoned his shirt?

"Are you alright?" I asked, as delicately as I could, moving towards him in an instinctive older brother fashion of making sure he wasn't bleeding. He paused for a moment, seeming to slow his hands and then shook me off as if he didn't want to be touched.

"What was that about, then?" I asked, more angry than I wanted to sound. I was bothered that he had glared at Remus, and I attributed it to this mornings' outburst.

"Nothing." Regulus answered, his steely voice as impenetrable of all feeling as ever. Then I noticed a medium sized mark, what looked like a bruise in the dark of the alley, "What is that?" I pressed.

"Nothing," he said, pulling up the collar on his blazer. It looked as though his robe had been pulled down about his shoulders and his hair was a mess. Along with the unbuttoned shirt, this was really starting to bother me. I had not noticed that I was pushing him against the wall again with my questioning, but he pushed me off and began to walk away, seemingly trying to avoid the fact that we had come in contact. Wanting to forget the whole situation as much as he seemed to, I said the first thing that came to mind.

"Yeah, well, Mum was looking for you, she said that it was time to go home." This was ridiculous, as it was only midday and Regulus knew that I didn't speak to our mother at home or in public.

"What about you?" He asked, not stopping as he walked.

I caught up to him, "I'm going to James' place. I'll be back in the morning to get my things." Regulus glanced at me, empty, and I said in a somewhat perturbed and sarcastic tone, "Well, don't look too disappointed..."

"I'm not disappointed." He snapped, glaring suddenly at me, "Go on, leave. I don't care."

I stopped, but he kept walking and I suddenly felt as though this was the right, time, though it really wasn't at all, "Regulus, I want to talk to you about... what happened last night."

He turned, and I saw his white face only in shadow, and I suddenly felt as though this was the way I had seen him all my life, when he said with no hint of human feeling, "There's nothing to talk about."

My heart sunk; Regulus had surpassed cold, surpassed detachment. For a moment, the only thought in my mind was that my brother had absolutely no soul at all.

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In truth, I really could not tell you what happened at James' house that night. There was no sex involved, I'm sure of that, as Mrs. Potter with her annoyingly acute hearing would have chased us all out, including James, with her wand in hand. While at Diagon Alley, James had scored a decent amount of what muggles called 'smack', and we certainly made good use of it. At this time, I did not yet know the consequences of it, as there wasn't enough to do too much to a single one of us, even Peter with his delicate constitution. I do know that, at one point, there was a black dog, a rat and a stag running about the Potter household. Godric's Hollow has probably not seen such a party since mediaeval times.

The day was rainy and miserable when I found myself standing outside Grimmauld Place early the next morning. I might have apparated there, but there was also the possibility that I had run across the countryside late that night in the form of a huge black dog. Sometimes, I thought to make that change permanent. Being a dog was much more simple than being a wizard, and what better way was there to disappear forever? If only I was younger, though. Someone would definitely take me in if I was a starving little puppy, but as a full-grown dog I was pushing my luck.

I thought of how I was going to go about this. My father was at work, my mother was most likely out of the house, and I knew that Regulus was upstairs doing something of which I didn't know. It was just like the whole of the summer! My trunk was in the doorway of my room, and I thought with some amount of glee through my pounding headache that this was the last time I ever had to enter Grimmauld Place, and the last time I would ever have to leave it. The plan was simple; I would go in, up the stairs, grab my trunk, 'accidently' drop it on Kreacher, who would not miss the opportunity to glare at me one final time, and then be on my way to King's Cross and off to Hogwarts. There was a component in my plan, though, that hung deep onto my heart with the sharp hooks that held the weight of guilt. Would Regulus even bother to say goodbye, or should I just knock on his door and say goodbye to him myself? I decided that if he did not come out to at least shake my hand as a gesture of some kind of brotherly connection, that I would be entirely through with him. We didn't speak during the school year, so this would be a relatively easy thing to do, especially for him. But I know that it would kill me in the end to do such a thing, as he was my brother, even if he didn't acknowledge that fact.

It would soon become apparent, though, that I did not have to make such a decision. When I walked in the door, I thought that Kreacher had attacked my face and was shoving his tongue into my mouth. Of course, I was initially horrified until I saw that it was Regulus who was on top of me. Between the second of confusion and the action which followed afterwards, I had a revelation that I was very much gagging for it, and if Regulus was apt I was in no position to decline. But also within this second I realised that we were actually brothers, and there could be nothing more wrong with this than anything else in the entire Wizarding World! Then, after this epiphany, I noticed the skill with which Regulus was rhythmically tugging at my hair and moving his tongue about that I was actually becoming tight in my trousers and there was no use fighting it. Deeper meaning suddenly meant nothing, and I didn't even think about justifying it as I kissed him back with all of the ferocity he was presenting. We fell against the stairs, with myself on top of him now, and I thought I heard his skull crack. At first I was worried that I had slammed him too hard, but then he grabbed my face closer to his and he bit gently at my mouth. This was the hottest snogging session I had ever been involved in, even beating out Remus! And when we made it up the stairs and into his room, it was obvious that Regulus believed he was to be the dominant one. He didn't even look at me when we went up to the room, but grabbed me by the shirt and thrust me down on the bed. He had learnt this from someone, certainly not from me, but I was entirely too... tied up in the moment to think about it.

It was a constant power struggle for dominance, and I can still feel some of the bruises when I remember it. We both liked pain, that was evident, and with every pulling of the hair or clawing of closely-cut nails on his end, I felt something within him. Regulus ripped off my shirt when he landed on the bed next to me, and I did the same to him when I was finally able to shove him against the bedpost. For some reason, the kid had iron bars on his bed as well as bedposts, which turned into fantastic things to hold on to while everything went blurry with ecstasy. I came about three times within the course of the hours, and I never thought that something like that was able to happen, especially with a person younger than myself. But then I thought, was this my vanity? Regulus resembled me in almost every way. Was I doing this because I was attracted to myself, or just for the sheer pleasure of it? It certainly wasn't my inner desire to corrupt something pure and innocent, as I could tell now that Regulus was nowhere near either of those categories. No, when I felt his heat against me, I knew that this was something different altogether.

When I awoke beside him, it still being early in the morning, I was shocked at what I had done, but not entirely ashamed of it. Still, that bit of guilty conscience that always comes back to bite you in the ass was gnawing away at mine. Feeling uncomfortable to leave him like this, I tried to wake Regulus up, but there was never any use trying to do so with him. So, I took out my wand and made sure he was fully clothed, then left a note beneath his pillow. He wouldn't notice it if I left it on the bedside table, but Regulus was sure to hear the crinkling of the paper.

As I walked away from Grimmauld Place, I understood that my plan had gone horribly, horribly wrong, and this would not be the last I heard of this mishap that may have been the most touching and personal thing ever to happen between Regulus and I- in our own incestuous way.

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