disclaimer: I own nothing... except... a nosebleed... darn ye alll
warnings: okyyyyyyy ye know the ole' drill... self mutilation, rape(flashbacks), yaoi, laguage, drug abuse, alchohol abuse, murder(new), etc...
pairings: 4x3 and others eventually
"ESCAPE"
-part 4-
'humiliation'
'hn... another day.. faking is becoming a specialty of mine...' Quatre thought to himself as he pulled his dark pants up and button the closure. He had to shake the thoughts from his head as a memory drifted back of him and Trowa... when they first had fallen...
"No... I cant even think of that..." he said and tried to keep his composure... so much had happened in only a short amount of time back then... it was far to painful.
Quatre grasped a hold of his arm where the bandage was, under the sleeve. tightly he squeezed it till he could feel the blood seeping through its layers... till he could feel the fitful pain that reverted from the pressure.
How much longer could he pretend for the others... he obviously wasn't too good... they hardly ever asked him on the missions any more. And they were careful not to even mention Trowa's name in his presence.
In some ways he was thankful that he had to do little.. and was spared of the pain that his lover's name brought to him. Even Rashid was different now... trying to cater less to the young pilot but trying to simply watch out silently.. and be there when he fell.
But more and more now... the flashes of memory were coming stronger for Quatre... pushing him to the brink of sanity... at night.. unable to sleep.. the image of the taller uni-banged boy floated... in his memory... the pictures and the feeling of the men... each thrust.. each wave of agony that they had caused through Quatre's jaded flesh.
Quatre's body was raked with a wave of hurt... such a pain from the past as he remembered what had happened shortly after...
~flashback~
Quatre awoke... his vision blurred... all he saw was red as the warm salty fluid ran into his eyes.
'Where am I'... his mind raced though he barely could move out of the crumpled mess that they had left him in.
No one obviously was looking for him... or at least here they weren't. Where is his lover... all Quatre could think of was the honey haired boy that he had held in his dreams over the time he'd been raped and beaten...
"Trowa..." the hushed words barely escaped his lips. He reached down to feel his cold manhood... he was all there despite the painful torture they'd inflicted... he could move his legs... he could see, though his vision was blurred.
'How could they do that all.. for so long.. and to him... and then just toss me out on the street. Am I just street trash like that. Does my life mean anything?' questions plagued his poor mind. He forgot the pain. as he started to push himself up on his hands, and make his way to his feet.
"Trowa!" he yelled with frustration and anger... "Where are you..." he cried... such anger...
-alone-
"Trowa... you damn fucking bastard... Trowaaaaaaaa!" his voice breaking and almost whining out the end of the boys name.
-darkness-
~flashback ends~
Quatre dug his nails into the skin of his palm. He had to snap out of it... he was going crazy.. the damn demons raced and rampaged as they pleaded... playing painfully with the horrid nightmarish memories.. if that what you could call them. Or rather parts of hellish history... an unforgotten play in the show of life.
-humiliation-
'I'm dead... this is only a pretense of the hell I'll live in when I'm dead... is it because I couldn't save him... He's there.. being tortured worse than I was... its because I let them push me out. And I didn't go back there to save him.' the sandrock's pilot's thoughts tore through him harshly
'I didn't indulge my own desire... maybe I should have let them fuck me easier.. given in... maybe they were simply holding onto you... causing you hurt... I should have gone back...' Quatre rocked back on his heels letting the light of the sun from the window catch on his eye...
He was trying to force back the thoughts that were trying to calm him. that told him the truth. though painful... and unbelievable.
Though he didn't want to accept it. He knew Trowa was gone, gone for good... there was nothing he could have done about it then.. there's nothing he can do about it now.
Both he and Trowa knew the risk of having a relationship in such an unstable time... they were both ex Gundam pilots... and a target... but they also knew their love...
The fate.. was inevitable... Un-forsake-able... to be met by one or another.. or all for that sake.
Now Quatre had to live with this 'hn... live... life... such a distasteful word...' Quatre thought... he had to live with this... the pain of the fate that his comrade and lover had met up with... it was pure humiliation... and the worst hurt of all... was he was alone...
~end part 4~