It's Bobby who finally points out that maybe Cas needs some clothes on his own, because as cute as he looks in Dean's old shirts (admittedly he's the only one with that opinion and shush you never heard that), they are too big for him, and so are his jeans. Bobby had taken surprisingly well to the new addition to the household, he had just mumbled something about 'idjits' and fixing his television signal and after Cas had given him his radio enhancer, he had happily attached it to the ancient device, proceeding to watch his favorite TV show in 'the quality it deserved'.

And that also finally concluded the ongoing argument about said old television and if they should or shouldn't replace it. It was his late wife who bought it and Bobby is a sentimental old fool but Dean loves him too much to ever call him out on it. And shush again, because Bobby would flay him if he went out all sentimental on him and Dean wouldn't admit to that anyway, not without having at least a gun pointed to his head.

But the subject had been broached and the surprised and not-so-secretly pleased look on Cas' face is enough to settle the matter so Sam made plans to take him shopping on next Saturday when he doesn't have to spend his whole time at the university. It doesn't slip Dean's notice that Sam usually leaves Cas at home when he goes there and that he doesn't spend nearly enough time with Cas to get any valid data for his dissertation but he figures that Sam still needs to battle a lot of bureaucracy before he can actually bring him along.

At first he was wary to leave Cas alone at home, with no one but Zeppelin to keep an eye on him while Sam was at uni and he and Bobby were working, but after he'd found Cas sitting in the exact same place and position he had left him in the morning he decides that he can trust him not to break anything, because, you know, breaking things is hard if one is not moving, at all. In any case, both he and Bobby are less than a hundred meters away at the garage.

It's the night of the day he found Cas like that for the first, that he starts researching. He doesn't know enough about soulbots and their behavior to understand what is normal and what is not, but he can't imagine that sitting motionless for hours can be normal at all. And it isn't. Not for Cas' model at least. He's supposed to be as human as possible, down to the simulated body function, hell Cas is even able to eat and digest.

He ends up scrolling through help forums and bot fan blogs way longer than intended, and what he learns there is worrying at best. The plug he extracted from Cas' multipurpose slot was an emotion jammer, but he figured that one out on his own, a device designed to disable the emotional programming and transform soulbots into normal bots. But the plug had been made for a different model, thus not fitting into Cas' slot and Dean can only guess how that messed with his circuits.

Dean wants to help Cas, he really wants but he has no idea how to even begin. He knows he should talk to Cas about it, ask him what happened before Sam found him, but they've been there and Cas can't even remember. It can't be something good, and there has to be a reason that Cas' previous owner dumped him in the trash and Dean can't say he's not worried about whatever reason that might have been. But he figures accompanying Sam and Cas to their shopping mission might be a good, albeit totally unrelated, start.

Sam comes home late, Friday night and Dean can tell from the sound the slamming door makes that he isn't in a good mood. They're gathered in front of the TV, watching some old movie with long dead actors and Dean feels too good to allow Sam to dampen his spirits. The movie isn't even that interesting but Cas watches it with wide attentive eyes and he twitches every now and then when something unexpected happens and if that isn't the most endearing thing, Dean doesn't know what is.

The old couch, (seriously is there anything not old in this house?), creaks when Sam slumps down and Bobby pushes one of the beers waiting on the side table in his direction without a word. Thankfully Sam doesn't say anything and after his beer his half empty his posture relaxes just slightly.

"Bad day?" Dean finally asks during the commercial break.

Sam just groans as a reply and empties the last of his beer. "My prof has been on my ass the whole day because I made some stupid mistake in my research fund application and now I can't continue, while we're waiting until they're approved. And I can't bring Cas with me to work on him, as long as I don't get my research funded" He sighs deeply and puts down the empty bottle. "And I have to go in tomorrow, to file in the mess that my predecessor has left, because my professor refuses to sign my papers unless it's done." He stands up and stretches and it doesn't take much to guess that he's going to bed early. "Sorry Cas, I can't come with you tomorrow."

Cas looks actually disappointed but he smiles anyway. "That's okay Sam. I'll have Dean." And with that he turns his head and his smile brightens, losing the sympathetic edge as he looks at Dean. He's distinctly aware that Sam makes an annoyed noise in the background before he leaves to get to bed but he's too occupied with the intensity of Cas' stare on him. And he can't remember anyone ever having looked at him like that and that doesn't have to mean anything, especially considering his history, but then there had been Cassie (what a coincidence) and not even she looked this happy when she was looking at him.

Laughter bubbles from the TV and Dean realizes that he has not only been staring, but that his mind had been wandering to places he never intended to go again. He forces himself to break the eye contact And that shouldn't be as hard as it is), realizing with a pang of something that Cas hasn't stopped smiling, despite the ridiculous amount of time they must have been staring at each other.

They keep watching the show after that, and the show after that and then Bobby goes to bed, grumbling a 'good night' into his beard and just like this, they are alone. As much as their earlier staring standoff has unsettled Dean, the silence now is comforting. Dean feels himself relax and he feels more at ease since a long time.

"Dean." Cas breaks the silence eventually and Dean idly wonders if the deep voice is some kind of malfunction or if it is intended. He could check that out but decides not to, he likes the voice.

"Yeah?" He tilts his head, indicating that he's listening but keeps his eyes on the TV in front of him.

"You should go to bed."

"What?" He realizes he is staring again but the proposition caught him off guard and he certainly didn't expect that.

"It is late and as I inquired, shopping days tend to be long and strenuous." Damn, he looks so proud of himself when he delivers that line. As if he had put a lot of effort into researching the information.

"Yeah okay I get it." Dean concedes, trying half heartedly to hide his smile. He angles for the remote but a thought stops him from shutting off the television. "What about you? Don't you have to sleep?" It wouldn't surprise him if there is some internal sleep schedule programmed into the bots to make them even more lifelike.

"No, I'm fine like this."

"Mh, that sucks."

"How so?"

"Sleeping is awesome." Cas just looks at him, head tilted and squinting and Dean has to fight back a laugh. "You know pillows, cuddly blankets, it's warm and if you're lucky you get to have nice dreams." Cas doesn't look convinced and Dean feels tempted to suggest Cas tries it out but it's not like Cas just can fall asleep like humans do so he just shrugs noncommittally.

"Anyway, I should go to bed now." He tosses Cas the remote. "I bestow upon thou the sacred rights to the remote, carry it with pride and honor." Cas blinks at him, confusion clearly written all across his face and this time Dean doesn't keep back his laughter. "Just watch whatever you like or something." He gives a two finger salute and turns to leave the room.

"Good night Dean." Cas calls after him and Dean is actually pleased that Cas picked up the sentiment and used it on him. It pleases him even more that Cas didn't say good night to Sam or Bobby, but to him. As conceited as that makes him.

He has very pleasant dreams that night.

Sam had the day planned out as far as Dean knows but he won't bother with a schedule that most likely gets messed up anyway, because, let's face it, things never go as planned. Dean is not a long sleeper by any means, but even he likes to sleep in on weekends, even if sleeping in for him means that he's up no later than nine. But today he's up even earlier because he can't help being excited at taking Cas out for shopping.

Oh damn.

He's taking Cas out. He didn't think of that earlier, but now that Sam dropped out, it's technically a date. It's way too early to think about such things and Dean keeps reminding himself that taking someone to buy clothes is not a date. Eating out is, or going to the movies but shopping clothes is a necessity, it's something parents do with their kids. Great, now he feels like he's Cas' dad.

He shakes the thought off, thinking wryly to himself that with the example his dad has set, he would be a lousy parent. The feeling is heavy and his good mood is dampened when he drags himself to take a shower. At least he doesn't have to take care of morning wood, not after his thoughts have turned depressing.

Dean's usually emotionally stable, he knows what he's good at and that he isn't a total failure, but sometimes it still happens that he sucks himself into a dark hole of self loathing and inferiority complexes. It's usually connected to his dad in some way, either when he remembers how he'd always been the one to disappoint him or, and that is even worse, when he feels like his dad has done a shitty job at raising him and Sam.

Because then, he feels guilty, not for just letting him down, but for actually thinking that his father didn't try his best and disregarding all the things his father has done for them, despite having lost his wife and having to deal on his own with two children. Sure he wasn't always perfect, but whose dad is? And under the circumstances, Dean is sure about that, dad did his best. He usually ignores the voice that keeps telling him that most of those circumstances were self inflicted.

Thinking like that is poisonous and it inevitably leads down into a very dark place and Dean knows better than to venture there. It's not always easy to pull back, once the guilt has slammed its hungry claws into him it doesn't let go easily. He knows it's self destructive, he knows it's bad for him but he just can't help it. Some days he's crushed under his own worthlessness, because he know he's a failure, he dropped out of school, he barely managed his GED and now he's working as a lowly car mechanic, despite all the high hopes his dad had for him. All he's got to show for him is Sam, and sometimes even that isn't enough.

On other days he's just angry, angry at his father for putting so many unrealistic expectations on him, angry at Sam for making something out of his life, angry at everyone who isn't as screwed up as he is, angry at the bot who blew his life into pieces and sometimes, but then most of all, he's angry at himself, for being such a letdown that keeps blaming others for his incapacity. It's on those nights that he drinks until his mind goes blank and he stops feeling anything at all.

It's the warm beat of the shower water that snaps him out of it this time. It's soothing, not just to his skin but also to his mind. He keeps focusing on it and just it and eventually his breath evens out and his chest stops hurting. He keeps the water running longer than necessary, Sam will probably complain when he comes back from his morning run he usually takes before he leaves for uni, but right now he can't bring himself to care.

Going through his morning routine helps him get his focus back and by the time he pulls his clothes on, he's almost back in gear. He slaps a smile on his face when he finally goes down to pick up Cas, not surprised at all that he still sits in the same spot he's left him. The TV's off and Cas looks up at him with a smile when he enters the living room. And by all means, it shouldn't be that easy, not for a simple smile, to drive away all the bad thoughts that were lingering at the edges off Dean's mind and the smile on his own face turns real at the sight.

"Good morning Dean." Cas greets, his smile brightens and Dean is positive that his day just got 20% more awesome. Considering that it started pretty low that isn't really much, but still.

"Okay, so I need to grab a quick bite and then we're ready to go. Do you, uh, need anything before you're ready?"

"No Dean, I am fine."

Dean hesitates, on the verge of asking if Cas wants to join him for breakfast but he knows that Cas doesn't necessarily have to eat and asking that would just be awkward so he makes a wavy hand gesture and turns to the kitchen. Cas is just a bot, a machine programmed to act and feel like a human but it's just so easy to forget that sometimes. Even the non-human things he does, like sitting motionless in front of the turned off television for hours or how he doesn't blink enough, don't really help, because Dean keeps listing those traits as quirky habits in his head, and now that is really messed up.

Cas follows him into the kitchen and just stares at him while Dean prepares a quick breakfast and coffee. It's unsettling and Dean finds himself chatting mindlessly as he tries to fill the awkward silence. He's in the middle of telling Cas about the perks of pie, reminiscing about his childhood when his mother used to bake pies with the apples from the tree in their garden, that he has to cut himself off, because he hasn't talked about that part of his life with anyone, not even with the people that had actually been there. But now here he is, telling Cas, who's basically a stranger and a bot on top of that, about his mother.

His mother who smelled of apples and sweetness, whose voice was soft whenever she talked to him, and as vivid as those things are in his memory, her scent and her voice, even the sound of her laughter, he can't remember her face properly, and the one picture he has of her is worn out from the countless times he ran a finger over her face, trying desperately to commit it to memory, but he has never once been able to break it free from that eternal frozen smile.

Cas squints at him, tilting his head in that mildly confused way of his, as if he's trying to deduce why Dean suddenly stopped. "Your mother sounds like a wonderful person." Cas says after a while of heavy silence and Dean picking on his food.

"Yeah." Dean agrees. "She was." The words sound heavy on his tongue and the weight bears down on his chest. He can't even remember her properly, the woman on the one picture he managed to secure is a stranger to him and no matter how hard he tries he can't make the image move in his head along with his memories of her.

"She was?" Cas asks, and Dean hates him for a moment that he makes him say it.

"She's dead." The fork clatters down with an audible sound as he drops it onto the plate, appetite lost for good now. And he doesn't know if he can handle it, so soon after his near breakdown this morning, being reminded of the one time in his life he was truly happy. And how he can never have it back.

But Cas' voice pulls him back before he can go off the deep end and, really, it's the damnedest thing.

"I'm sorry Dean."

No one ever said that to him. He has heard it alright, people saying it to his father, fresh after the fire, and sometimes after, when they were travelling and the question about their mom came up. Even Sam got to hear it a few times, because he is the youngest, it was a form of pity but still. Dean doesn't want people to feel sorry for him, has never wanted that but sometimes he wished that people would acknowledge that it's not just John who's lost his wife and poor little Sammy who's lost his mother but that there's also him, Dean, who has lost his mother too.

Being the older sibling sucks sometimes.

He's aware that he's staring, mouth slightly open, but he just can't look away from the sincere expression in Cas' eyes. The heavy weight in his chest lifts just enough to make breathing easy again and he finds himself smiling. "Thanks Cas."

Cas seems surprised, he blinks a few times before the left side of his mouth tilts up into a tentative smile.

"No really Cas. Thanks."

And the way his smile widens is almost enough to make the heartache worth it.

Dean finishes his breakfast and puts away his dishes just when Bobby comes out of his room and Dean knows better than to address him before he's had his morning coffee. Cas on the other hand:

"Good morning Bobby." Bobby just groans and ignores them as he pours himself a cup from the coffee pot Dean prepared earlier. And Dean actually has to laugh at the crestfallen expression on Cas' face as he follows Bobby with his eyes.

"Come on Cas, two weeks in this place and you haven't learnt house rule number one yet? No talking to Bobby before his first coffee." Bobby grunts his affirmation and downs the cup in one go. He takes a moment to close his eyes and savor the taste, not disturbed by Cas next words.

"I don't understand how coffee can make such a difference over people's moods."

Bobby rolls his eyes and pours himself another cup before he goes through the cabinets in search of something to eat. Dean takes out another cup and pours the last of the coffee in, adding a bit of sugar and cream, because beginners should start off easy and puts it in front of Cas. His answer is another squint and a head tilt before Cas finally takes the cup and takes a sip. Dean eyes him closely, watching his reaction as he tries the taste on his tongue. He is more than just pleased when Cas' face lights up and he gulps down the rest of the content, finishing it off with something that suspiciously sounds like a moan.

He can't help but feel awed at the advances of science, bots that are able to digest food and drinks, but he has to admit he's even more awed by the heavenly sound Cas made after trying the coffee. He decides that now is the right moment to leave before his body decides to do some funny things while thinking of what else would bring Cas to make those sounds, and yep he should get off that thought train right now.

Cas is still entranced by the taste of the coffee and Dean almost has to drag him out of the kitchen, coaxing him with promises of more coffee later, and into the hall, where he puts on his boots. He notices then that Cas only wears a pair of old slippers and he is faced with the dilemma of how to get Cas shoes that he can wear outside and fit him. He settles on giving him a pair of rubber boots that is a bit too big but it will suffice until they bought him new ones.

They drive to town in the conversational silence of Dean's favorite music blasting out of the Impala's speakers. They get more than one weird look when they enter the town, because as much as Dean loves his baby, it's an old-timer, and it takes a hell of a lot of work to keep her going, and most parts under the hood aren't even original any more. It actually took him a lot of time and energy to recreate her telltale revving sound after he had to replace the gasoline engine with one of those new ones that operate on electromagnetic fields.

He parks the car in a public garage and makes double sure that she is locked, because as old as she is, she's a rarity, and to the right people she's worth a fortune.

"Okay so where do you wanna start? Shoes, clothes, accessories?" It's still kind of early and there aren't many people out but most stores have already opened so hopefully they will be able to bypass the worst shopping rushes.

"I don't know." Cas replies, looking a bit lost when Dean leads him onto a street that is lined with various shops. Dean sighs and shakes his head in amused exasperation. He has always thought that shopping for clothes was an annoying necessity but the way Cas looks at everything, peeks into shopping windows and nearly bounces on his feet in excitement, makes it worth it.

But as soon as they enter the first store that has caught Cas' attention and actually fits Dean's pay grade, which unfortunately isn't very high, he gets almost humble. It seems that it finally has caught up to him that today is about him, that Dean's going to spend money on him, solely to indulge him and that he has a whole shop of opportunities in front of him and suddenly he can't decide what he wants to look at first.

Dean finally has enough and takes Cas' hand to pull him away from all the weird looks he gets for his ill fitting ensemble of a too big shirt and colorful rubber boots, but he is stopped short when Cas makes no attempt at following him. He turns around to find Cas staring at him with wide eyes, hand tightened in his grip and for a moment he is lost in the impossible width of blue. There's confusion, a lot of confusion but behind that is a spark of something else and whatever it is, it terrifies Dean for some reason and he yanks back his hand, startling not only Cas but also himself.

And the expression Cas pulls after that is like a stab into his heart, so full of confusion, only this time it is hurt and disappointed and Dean feels bad for overreacting at something he most likely only imagined. But he can't take it back, and the look on Cas' face freezes him in place and he can't bring himself to undo it and take Cas' hand again.

"Sorry." He finally mutters, rubbing his hand at the back of his head and looking anywhere but at Cas. "We should go… uh… check out the men's section." Dean doesn't wait for an answer but turns around to lead the way deeper into the store to where the men's clothes are on display but he's stopped once again, this time by Cas' voice.

"Dean." He's loath to turn around because he can't stand another look of disappointment on Cas' face. "You have nothing to apologize for." Cas' voice is blank, sounding for the first time like the machine that he is and then he walks past Dean, he doesn't stop to look at him, he just walks away and Dean is left behind, speechless and with more pain in his chest that he cares to admit.