Welcome back to HP:TNJ! I need a better shorthand name for that… anyway, sorry about the HUGE break in chapters. School started, and I lost my momentum with the hours and hours of homework… Either way, I'm back now with a new chapter. If you're a hipster, I mean not to make you any more offended than you usually are in your resting state. Anyway, here we are.
Link's eyes fluttered open. He looked around the dimly lit room, trying to remember where he was. He appeared to be in a small house with no windows. The smooth wooden floor was littered with hundreds of pots of all different sizes. Link saw a large figure swoop in from one of the rafters supporting the room's high, shadowy ceiling. It landed on a large pot, facing away from the hero, and spread its enormous wings, revealing itself to be a bird.
"Oh, Link! Wow man, you've been out for days! I honestly thought you were dead for a while there," said the bird. It turned around, and Link began to crawl backwards rapidly, a look of panic on his face.
"Hey dude, what's wrong?"
Link continued to scoot away until he bumped into a large pot. It slowly tilted over before bumping into another ceramic pot. This started a chain reaction of falling pots, and eventually, every pot in the cottage was shattered. The sound of thousands of rupees worth of decorative pots shattering woke Navi, who had somehow avoided being flattened while unconscious.
"Link? Where are we, and what happened?" Navi asked. "I feel like I got shivved by a Goron."
Link, who was at this point used to being asked questions that he couldn't verbally answer, pointed to the looming owl. It was now sadly nudging one of the shards of the now destroyed pot that it was earlier perched upon.
"Oh my Goddesses, Kaepora Gaebora?! Did you kidnap us?" the fairy asked.
"What? No! I really wish people would stop asking me that," the owl responded. "You were out in Hyrule field, and you blew up a giant Stalchild. You started freaking out, so I brought you to my house, where you heartlessly and selfishly destroyed my pots! That one over there had my grandfather's ashes in it!" The owl gestured to a pile of black, powdery owl pellets.
"How do you know all that?" Navi asked, raising an eyebrow, which was arbitrary, as nobody could see her eyebrows. "Were you following us again? I told you to stop that a while ago."
"I'm sorry, but it's just so fun to watch Link. Look at him now, that's awesome!" he replied.
Navi looked at Link, who was building something akin to a house of cards out of broken ceramic. He sneezed, and the tower toppled onto him. When the dust from the collapse cleared, Link's ear, the one without an earlobe, was missing, and a fallen shard was covered in blood. He quickly put it back onto the side of his head and poured a red potion onto the injury. After feeling his ear to make sure it was okay, the boy realized that it was on upside-down. He tried to pull it off to fix it but only succeeded in tearing the pointed tip off. The fairy looked back at Kaepora Gaebora.
"Listen, I appreciate that you brought us in from the field, but you need to stop following us. Link is terrified by you. Anyway, we need to get going," Navi explained. She turned to leave, but Kaepora called out to her.
"Wait! Before you go, would you take a look at my neck exercises? I'm auditioning to be the Tötsie Rolls owl later today, and I want to make sure I've got it right. I have a very flexible neck, you know."
"Fine, but make it quick," the exasperated fairy said.
"Oh, thanks!" The owl began to turn his head clockwise. He then started shaking his head. He was only turning about thirty degrees; it wasn't impressive. "Alright, here I go!" Kaepora exclaimed. He quickly jerked his head 180 degrees around, so that he was facing the other way completely. As he did so, several loud snapping noises filled the room, and Kaepora screamed.
"Are you alright?" Navi asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just, um, just come back later. I've got to work this out," wheezed the owl.
"Are you sure?" Questioned the fairy.
"Super sure. I'm just fi-" Kaepora began to cough up blood.
"Alright... Link, let's go," called the fairy.
Link stowed the torn section of his ear in his pocket, and the duo exited Kaepora Gaebora's small house. Navi looked around and realized that they were in Kakariko Village. The first thing she noticed was a large house across the way from the well in the center of the village. It looked to be two stories tall, and it appeared to be made entirely of flannel and leather suspenders.
"Hey, that's new. Should we go check it out, Link?" the fairy asked.
Link looked at the building and nodded. The two approached the odd house, surveying it for any signs of its residents. Link knocked on the door, and it creaked open.
"We might get murdered in there, Link," Navi warned. "This seems dangerous."
Before she could continue, a man opened the door the rest of the way. He appeared to be about twenty years old. He wore square, lensless glasses, a flannel shirt, skinny jeans, and suspenders that appeared to be covered in fur.
"Oh wow, a visitor! Please, come in! I just made a fresh pot of Kombucha!" Said the man while scratching his patchy beard.
"Oh Goddesses, it's a hipster!" Navi exclaimed, horrified.
"Well, that's what people call me, but I identify as a kitsune-dragon." The hipster said, his left eyelid drooping further down as he spoke.
"Link, we have to get out of here! This guy could infect us with Hipster!"
Terrified, Link swung his sword awkwardly at the hipster. It sliced a gash into his neck, and he fell to the ground, gurgling and clutching at his open neck wound.
"Oh Din, you killed him!" Navi screamed.
A sound reminiscent of a police siren began to sound in the distance.
"Whee whoo, whee whoo!" A Hylian Castle Guard ran up to the house, stumbling and making a siren noise. "Freeze, citizen! You're under arrest!" He shouted at Link. "Put your hands up… and… um…" One of the guard's eyes began to point towards the ground, the other looking at the green-clad boy.
"Um, are you alright?" Navi tentatively questioned.
The guard was at that point on the ground, rolling slowly.
"Link, I think he's having a stroke! We have to help him!" Navi exclaimed. The guard was now motionless, ostensibly dead. Link pulled two pairs of sunglasses out of his bag and placed them on the dead men's faces. He then propped them up on a bench made of denim on the Hipster's porch. He stepped back to examine his work before moving in to adjust the guard's hand. The hero moved the hand so that it made a thumbs-up. He smiled and turned away.
Navi stared at the boy, eyes wide, surprised at what he had done. Link began to walk away, and the fairy followed him, still shocked by his murder and cover-up.
The boy and his fairy had just left Kakariko Village after killing two innocent people and most likely failing to prevent the death of a talking owl.
Navi spoke tentatively to Link, still shocked from the sudden double-homicide. "Link… I think we should go to Kokiri forest. The Deku Sprout may let us stay in your old house for a few days."
The green-clad boy nodded in agreement and glanced up at the sky. The sun was almost directly above him; plenty of time to get to the forest. As he and Navi continued through the sparsely-vegetated field, they noticed something that looked like a giant pineapple covered in razor blades.
"Watch out Link, that's a Peahat. You remember what happened last time we fought one of those," warned Navi. Link's pupils slowly grew wider as he recalled the experience. The dark reflections of heads rolling and blood spraying could be observed in his large eyes, and the echoing screams of countless victims filled his ears.
A butterfly fluttered into Link's field of view, interrupting his flashback. He joyfully began skipping after the creature, which was flying straight towards the Peahat.
"No, Link! Stay away from that!" Navi called, but it was too late. The Peahat's knife-like leaves began to revolve, and it slowly ascended. Link, oblivious to the monster's awakening, continued to skip toward it. However, a loud screech permeated the air, and a red blur snatched the butterfly out of the air. By the time Link had reacted, the blur had launched itself into the Peahat, burrowing through its thick skin as if it were butter. A moment later, it dug out of the sensitive bottom of the Peahat. Unexpectedly, blood and entrails poured out of the wound and the Peahat crashed to the ground, deflating rapidly. The red entity landed on the ground before Link, revealing itself to be a red falcon.
"Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!" Navi exclaimed. Instead, Link pulled out the severed piece of his ear and dropped it in front of him. The falcon hopped to the flesh offering and pecked it curiously. After it determined that the item could be eaten, it devoured the piece of Link's ear. The bird screeched happily and climbed onto Link's shoulder. "What are you doing? That thing's a demon!" Link shrugged and continued walking.
"This is a terrible idea! What are you going to do? Keep it as a pet? Give it a cute name?!" Navi questioned. Link thought for a moment and nodded. "Wait, you actually want to keep and name it? That's crazy!" Link nodded again. "What kind of name would you even give a demonspawn like this? Knowing you, it would probably be something terrible like Gladys Fussbudget…" Link nodded vigorously at this, and the falcon coughed up a bone. "Oh Din, is that what you're actually naming it?" Link smiled, and the falcon stretched its wings.
As Link, Navi, and Gladys Fussbudget approached Kokiri forest, a tall Gerudo man stood at the Castle Town gate.
"Those fools… they won't defeat me this time!"
"Who won't defeat you, G-Dorf?"
"Shut up, Davie!"
So yeah. Link found a new travelling companion, Kaepora Gaebora might be dead, and Ganondorf is doing a thing too. I feel like my writing may be lacking in description as far as the setting, so please let me know if this is the case, and I'll describe the settings more. Thanks for reading; another update should be out soon, but no promises at this time…