Ok people so so sorry that I took so long to update-school has been a biotch!
You're all tres tres lucky that I've the flu so I have the time to update, I really like this chapter, yupp I know the relationship has progressed between Edward and Bella somewhat here but they still have a long way to go-I believe in it anyway, you know that it'd happen so don't review saying it wouldn't cos you'll die!:
Joke joke all reviews are cherished you amazing people. Thanks for the amazing reviews, Fav story and story alerts etc, all appreciated! Looking forward to more:)
Disclaimer: SM rocked Twilight, and this is all hers-I'm just borrowing the fundamentals..!!
I worked backwards, I fell forwards. I tumbled, stumbled, and broke my hip; I hit my head, soon to be dead, and oh god then Charlie'll flip.
'Everyone ready?!' Alice shouted at the top of her lungs.
I was ripped out of my little dreamworld and forced into realising my current surroundings; the school gym, with the entire town in it. I had actually resigned myself to making up rhymes about my current predicament to provide a distraction until my next humiliation, which by the looks of it, was to come any moment.
I couldn't fucking believe how I'd gotten into this; how I'd stayed at this. And now I was cheerleading on a friday night at Forks High for the basketball team. After the first practice, I couldn't even fathom
how any of the girls would want me to stay on the team but apparently Jess and Alice had a little chat and their need for a replacement cheerleader was higher than the priority of everyones safety and pride. One thing I could say for sure: I looked ridiculous, definitely not my usual attire; I had a long sleeved, tight, cropped top on which exposed my stomach to the highest extent, a short, pleated deep blue mini skirt to match and plain white trainers. My hair was pulled back into a ponytail and Jessica had applied a little make up to my face after I showed up au natural. I couldn't describe in that moment how nervous and embarassed I was, and how willing everybody seemed to be in showing off my incompetence even after my constant protests.
'Come on you guys, lets do this!' Rosalie belted out somewhere from my left.
We, as a team, struck a ready pose and all of a sudden the wooden floor of the gym reverberated under my feet. Alice's i-pod had been jacked up to a soundsystem and whatever song of the moment burst out and echoed through the entire building. One of the girls up front did a flip across the floor which prompted us to begin our routine; I, with great effort, tried to master as much as I could, a decent shake of my torso with co-ordinating hand movements. Several moments passed, and out of sheer concentration, I didn't do anything too embarassing. I looked at the crowds that seemed to be staring down at us and avoided Charlie's eyes in the second last row-he'd been alerted by one of his buddies down at the station of my new role in Forks High and how I'd be cheering at the big game on Friday. I looked down again, trying to get a grip on my feet, which seemed to have a mind of their own.
'Bella!' Rosalie whispered loudly, 'Pick up your fucking head girl, no one wants to see your scalp!'
I whipped my head back up as fast as I could and glanced over apologetically, however she wasn't looking at me anymore, just smiling at the crowds angelically. All of a sudden, in the middle of a twist, I completely under-estimated the speed at which I'd turned my body and stumbled a little in surprise, catching one foot on the other, I fucking lost my balance and fell into another girl, headbutting her.
'Ouch! Jesus, Swan, look where you're going!' the fiery red head who I'd just given a concussion too glared at me while I shrunk back in embarassment, tenderly fingering my forehead.
I'd attempted to finish off the routine with as much grace as I could muster, but after the loud whispers and giggles which ensued after my accident, I had become too flustered to try; my cheeks burned and admittedly, I felt pretty shit about the whole ordeal. The music ended and cheers erupted from the stands-I glanced up and people were roaring their applause. I dared to smile a little bit despite my shame. The entire squad made their way to the sidelines and the announcement for the beginning of the game ensued. I kept my eyes wide open for Edward-as much as I had dreaded this evening, he was the one part of it I wouldn't be sorry to stick around for.
I saw the basketball team emerge from the changing rooms and sprint out into the middle of the court; then in a few moments I spotted a mass of bronze hair following the sea of athletes-it was him of course. I looked him over as he took his place marking another bulky guy and I knew that the embarassment of tonights previous incident was totally worth it-I couldn't take my eyes off of him, however creepy it may have been. He looked over at me in that second and my heart leapt, his eyes connected with mine and yet I still didn't turn away. I didn't know what I looked like to him-probably a poor imitation of what a girl was meant to look like but he looked to me like someone I knew. I felt like I knew him, like I was meant to know him-as if he were special. He grinned at me crookedly and I felt myself grin back.
'Good luck,' I mouthed.
'Right back at you,' he mouthed back.
I chuckled and cheered along with the rest of the crowd as the ball was thrown in the air, which signalled the start of the match. I wasn't particularly sure how the game of basketball went-I'd never followed it or had much reason to back in Arizona but I had plenty of reason to try now-with him playing anyway.
'Bella are you ever going to stop standing there looking completely fucking dumb founded and actually do something?!' Rose snapped in my ear.
I stiffened, hoping she didn't follow my gaze, 'Sorry,' I muttered.
'Listen if you're gonna act like a complete spastic, I can find someone to take your place,' she went on, glaring at me through her perfect eyes.
'It's fine, I'll get the hang of it, I promise,' I ran my hands through my hair and sighed.
'Well don't take your fucking time about it or anything,' she rolled her eyes.
I sighed again in exasperation and looked around, trying to gain some idea of what to do and imitate it. I jumped up and down unsurely, being pretty careful not to mix up my feet and yelling a little in encouragement.
'You're getting the hang of it!' I heard a voice behind me exclaime gleefully.
I turned around in surprise and the cheerleading captain stood in front of me.
'Hey Alice,' I smiled, 'I'm trying anyway.'
'Well you're doing a great job,' she patted my shoulder encouragingly, 'Don't listen to Rose by the way, she's....she's, Rose, I guess,' she shrugged her shoulders but smiled brightly at me.
I chuckled nervously, 'Don't worry about it.'
She nodded and turned away from me, walking back to her spot on the side lines. I shrugged off the feeling that I had being around her, I thought she was one of the nicest people I had ever met and I wanted to be comfortable around her but she belonged to a crowd that I was uneasy around and who I'd never really gotten to trust. It was blatent generalising, but she was with the popular, attractive clique, and prejudice had won out and told me that that clique wasn't one I wanted to be a part of, or wouldn't be the most stable place to be.
The match ended not to long later, with our side winning, 32-24. I'd watched Edward for most of it, but still trying to appease Rose by sporadically jumping a little or shaking a pair of pom poms. Other girls were flipping and doing the splits, but I was achieving a lot just by not falling over again so I didn't want to push it. We'd changed out of our uniforms and I'd heard talk of a party going on in the Cullens house after, which surprised me considering Angela had declared the Cullens and Alice the type of people who kept to themselves. I figured that there was a strong internal group there which consisted of Alice, Rose, Jasper, Emmett and Edward but who let people in for superficial reasons. Not even superficial, but for show. Maybe I was wrong but I'd probably come to see the dynamics of how their system worked soon enough; as it was, Alice and Rose were obviously best friends who spent a lot of time together, but their kind just had to be popular, and with that came parties, and social gatherings which they'd have to partake in.
'Hey Bella, a group of us are heading out to Rose's house for a bit of a celebration, do you wanna come?' Alice turned to me in the changing rooms, raising her eyebrow slightly with her question.
After pulling my t shirt over my head I glanced over at Rose who had huffed a little in the corner, surrounded by her friends. She glanced at me and looked away-somehow I didn't think Alice's invitation originated from any of the residents of the Cullen household but she still seemed to have the freedom of asking whoever she pleased.
I shook my head, 'No thanks Alice, I don't want to keep Charlie up to late, I think I'll just head home!
But thanks for the invitation,' I smiled warmly at her in appreciation.
Her face fell instantaneously and my heart squeezed-here she was being so friendly towards me and I couldn't be bothered to make an effort.
'Oh come on Bells, it's gonna be so much fun! I'd love to dress you up and everything! Charlie won't mind, it's not even a school night,' she stood on her tippy toes in expectation.
'Ehm....yeah ok-'
'Great!'
'Hold on! I just, I'm gonna go home and take a shower, I'll throw something on myself otherwise I'll be late but I'll be out to the house in a while if that's ok?'
Her face remained bright and she nodded enthusiastically, 'Sure, just as long as you're there!'
She leapt over a little towards me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I stood there, frozen on the spot as she disappeared in front of me. She ran out of the changing rooms with Rose and a few others, including Jessica, who surprisingly, hadn't said much since after the match.
I sat down on the bench and sighed a little, throwing on my jacket and fixing my hairband. I met Charlie outside the gym where he greeted me enthusiastically.
'Hey Bells!' he threw his arms around me and gave me a squeeze.
'Hey Charlie,' I smiled at him.
'You did great, kiddo! Hardly any accidents, you must be proud,' he chuckled.
'Why does everybody keep reminding me? I know how much I did and didn't trip, I was there!' I laughed a little, rolling my eyes, wishing for any reminder of the my klutziness to go away.
'Sorry Bells, I'm just pretty proud of you,' he patted my shoulder, and for the second time that day I felt reassured, 'Let's go home.'
'Yeah, okay,' I stalled a little, not wondering how to phrase my request of attending the Cullen party-I wasn't sure how much Charlie knew, he'd probably heard but assumed I wouldn't be going. 'Listen, Charlie, you probably heard about the party going on in the Cullen house tonight.'
Charlie jerked his head a little, and fiddled with the keys of the car, 'Yeah I heard, why?'
'I was thinking...I was wondering if maybe I could go? I want to go home and change first, have a shower and all that, but Alice Brandon invited me-'
'I thought you didn't like those social things?' Charlie questioned suspiciously.
'I don't! I really, you know...not my thing at all, it's just,' I pleaded with him as much as I could with my expression, trying to get him to understand how hard it would be for me to turn down Alice yet again, 'It's just I'm really trying to get to know the people here and make some friends. I was totally unprepared for the invite but I don't want to turn it down-just in case they get the wrong impression.'
Charlie seemed to mull over this for a few seconds, his moustache twitching and his gaze on me intent, 'Sure Bells, of course you can go,' he finally decided.
I actually felt my entire face light up and I threw my arms around him, 'Thank you!' I practically screamed in his ear.
'Bella! Bella, calm down,' he chuckled, patting my head and returning the hug.
I let him go and we got into the car and made our way home in comfortable silence. Upon getting out of the car I felt a tap on my shoulder, I turned around to face Charlie who had the strangest expression on his face.
'Charlie?' I whispered, confused.
'You know Bells, I don't say this often enough,' he looked away from me and placed his hands on the wheel once more, staring out into the darkness through the windscreen, 'But I'm so proud of you. Really and truly. I'm not the worlds greatest father and I think you know that but you're something special to me, and I may be biased but I think you're pretty special in your own right,' his voice faltered a little and he coughed, 'Your Mom would be proud of you too.'
In that moment I looked away from him, I didn't want to talk about her.
'Why?' I had to ask the question, 'I don't do anything. I'm just here,' I shrugged and glanced at my hands folded in my lap.'
'You don't see yourself clearly. You are....I could list out things that make you special but it would totally detract from the real reason; because you just are; 'cause you're you, because you are totally unaware of your effect on people by just being you. You're not a big talker, and you say much more with your expression but than you ever could with your mouth but when you do say something-it's sincere, it's real, it gets to people. I don't know Bells, like I said I'm biased, but I've people coming up to me and telling me what a great girl you are and all I can do is tell them that I know. You're so like her you know. You have that something just like she did.'
'Charlie, I know this is gonna come out wrong whatever way I say it but, I...I don't want to be like her. I can't be like Renee-first and foremost, she was something special, she was...Mom I guess, and I never really got how great a person she was until she left; but I just don't want to see myself in her.'
I hated confiding my innermost feelings, especially in awkward situations like this but I had to make him understand.
'I hate her for getting sick, I hate her for promising she'd be just fine, I hate her for leaving me and for never coming back. She was great but she was....weak. She needed people to take care of her and,' I shook my head trying to find the words to fit and express what I meant without hurting Charlie more than I had to, 'I don't wanna be like that,' I felt tears prick my eyes and a gigantic lump in my thoat. I tried to swallow it but it wouldn't go away, 'She needed people, she was so so emotional and I want to be...sufficient and enough for myself.'
'Bella everybody needs people-'
'But this, Charlie, I can't...describe what this feels like! I can't find the words to say what it actually means to love someone so much and to have them leave. If someone said that she'd come back in fifty years and I'd be alive to see her, it would be fine, I swear but-' I raked my hands through my hair in frustration, '-ugh!! I can't...she's not coming back, and she was here and-' I knew, I totally fucking knew I wasn't making an ounce of sense and it was coming out wrong, there were too many feelings to sort through, 'She was real wasn't she?'
I saw Charlie nod his head out of the corner of my eye which was now blurred by tears.
'I hugged her and I talked to her and I loved her...'cause she was real and she was here. That's what hurts so much-that I had her. Once...not too long ago, she was healthy and happy and I had her.
I'm so grateful that I had her at all but...it's not enough. I'm too greedy for my own good but the last 17 years of my life-that's all I got with her, and it's not enough by a long shot. I have to watch everybody else get, I dunno, until they get married at age thirty and I just have to sit and deal with that.'
There was silence in the car for a few moments, 'You'll get something in return. It won't make up for not having Renee anymore, but someone is gonna try and give you a bit more happiness.'
'Maybe,' I agreed half heartedly; I doubt the world remembered Bella Swan to be honest.
'You're not happy are you? Not here, not with me, without her,' he smiled sadly.
'I love you Charlie, and I love being with you. But...no I'm not. I'm not happy-there's too much sadness, and too big of a hole. I can't see it getting better,' I admitted honestly.
'Try for me honey,' he leaned over and kissed my forehead, then hopped out of the car, banging the door slightly.
I leaned against the headrest and wiped away the tears that were silently rolling down my cheeks; this was as much as I'd said about Renee since she died, and I hadn't even said half of what I was feeling or thinking. I opened the door and climbed out of the car slowly, thinking about the conversation just passed.
'Hey,' a soft, velvet voice echoed behind me.
I turned around and gasped quietly.
'Hi,' I squeaked.
His expression hardened somewhat when he saw my face, 'What happened?'
I shook my head in response.
He stepped forward and brushed my cheek where I was sure there were stains from my crying.
'What happened to you?'
I stood frozen underneath his contact and smiled sadly, 'Nothing you need to worry about.'
'I'm always going to worry,' he admitted shrugging, 'Do you want to go for a walk?'
'What about....everything?'
I hoped he'd understand what I meant about everything-hoped he'd understand more than I did anyway, I wasn't quite sure to be honest. Everything meant everything anyway, it covered a multitude of what could have been going on.
'Everything,' he pressed on the word, 'Is gonna be here when we get back.'
I nodded in agreement and followed him as he turned and walked, only stopping to look at my house once more-hoping Charlie would be too busy thinking I was upstairs getting ready to notice that I never came through the front door. We strolled down towards the end of the block and crossed the road to a little gate that provided an entrance to a park. It was pretty dark out, only the moon giving any sort of light to our stroll. Everything was so quiet, there was no wind, no animals or strange noises, just the sound of Edward and I walking beside one another.
'Are you okay?' he finally voiced.
'How much of the lie do you want?'
'I don't want the lie. You can tell me,' he promised.
'I'm just...not in the greatest of moods at the moment.'
'Is there anything at all I can do to help?'
I mulled over the question for a moment-he could try to help of course, how far he would get I didn't know-he couldn't heal me all over I was sure, but to provide some type of support or distraction maybe would help.
'If you want to be here, then that would help,' I admitted.
'I do want to be here. Is that all? I was gonna be here anyway, I just want something a little more pro-active,' he joked quietly.
'I don't think you get it, I know you're here physically-but I want you to be here....for me I guess. For support.'
He shook his head solemnly, 'I don't think you get it; I was gonna be here-for you, only for you-anyway,' I saw him brush his hands through his hair and I figured that it took a lot out of him to say that, it was pretty gutsy I admit.
'You were?' I questioned-taken aback.
'Of course. I'd wait in the wings till you needed me.'
'I need you,' I whispered.
I hadn't a clue where this was coming from-it wasn't confidence, it wasn't flirting; it was honesty. I couldn't lie about this, I didn't have the strength. His forwardness prompted me to be honest-I owed him that much since he said what he did. I didn't even know why he was saying these things, or why I needed him. I figured it was because I knew him-before I even knew that I knew him; it was instinctive and there and sounded so so corny in my head but I couldn't deny it.
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
'Then I'm always here,' he stated simply.
'Why do you want this? All of a sudden-out of the blue, I don't get your side of the story.'
'Same reason you want it,' he shrugged looking at me for the first time since we were outside my house.
His face glowed in the moonlight. Just the utter nature of the conversation itself and the person I was having the conversation with-it threw me. And all of a sudden I became very aware of how bare I was laying myself. He could pick up the pieces and squash them as much as he wanted. I didn't believe he would do that, but I didn't believe a lot of other things would happen and they went ahead and did.
I chuckled nervously, 'At least I'm not crazy-I thought it was all one-sided to be honest.'
He chuckled as well, 'Don't worry it's not-I know what you mean though, it's not...normal but, I want you to know I don't make a habit of it,' he stared at me intensely through deep emerald eyes and I could tell he was being sincere, 'I just have this feeling, and I want to go with it. It sounds pretty lame and I've only met you a few days ago but I don't think you're like everybody else. You seem to break the boundaries and I really, really want for you to be okay,' he stopped walking and I followed suit-he looked like a carved statue when he looked at me like that. But in the most beautiful, picturesque way, 'I want you to be happy, and I feel like that's something I should take care of-making you happy, or making sure you are. If you want me to back off that's fine, I'll do it in a heartbeat, but like I said, I'm waiting in the wings.'
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
'Edward,' I began, not quite sure what I was getting at, 'You have a completely set up life here-don't mess it up. I know that I'm not what your group would consider....acceptable. I want us to be friends but if things get screwed up for you..'
'Forget it Bella,' his voice hardened, 'Don't think about it, or them,' he took my face in his hands and my breath hitched.
'Edward, please, I don't want things to be hard for you.'
'Bella, you're the thing that's gonna make my life better. We're friends okay? I'm gonna look out for you, and be here for you, whatever you need, just please don't think that you're a burden for me-I can't handle that.'
I brought my hands up and rested them on his, which were still cupped around my face; my thumbs rubbing his skin, 'And I'm here,' I stated confidently.
'I know you're here-?'
'Now who doesn't get it? I'm here for you.'
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe
He shook his head, 'Bella, you don't wanna do that. This is about you, you never look happy. Never. Even when you smile,' he didn't seem to be embarassed in admitting he'd noticed, he just let the fact flow freely, 'You need someone. I'm...I'm fine, I don't need "someone".'
I watched him; I studied him as much as I could in that intimate moment. His hard expression with those soft eyes, and his gentle strength, holding up my face from falling down; I saw exactly what was happening. He was lying. He needed me as much as I needed him. He was broken too.
I nuzzled my cheek against his hand,' What happened to you?' I re-iterated his question from before.
He closed his eyes and opened them slowly, 'Some stupid shit went on-I handled it.'
'How are you?'
'I'm.....working on it.'
'Let me help you,' I pleaded.
'No,' his voice hardened and it surprised me-but I quickly found that he wasn't angry with me, he just wanted to protect me, 'Sorry I just..like I said this is about you and your happiness.'
'Edward, tell me one thing: Are you happy? Really and truly, are you happy with yourself, your life-whatever?'
After a long period of silence he seemed to give in to honesty, 'It changes; sometimes I feel something good, but it quickly goes and I'm just left there. Most of the time, it's safe to say I'm not happy.'
'What do your friends say? Your brothers?'
'I don't talk about it with them-with anyone.'
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
I hardened my voice on purpose for the first time that evening and squeezed Edward's hands hard, 'Edward. Don't fucking do this to yourself.'
His eyes widened in surprise at my aggression at this point.
'I'm not gonna watch you do this, I can't...I don't even want to let you see me and what I really am like-you'll run a fucking mile-' he began to protest but I cut him off, '-I'm willing to let you see me, and help me, and try to fix me, but for god's sake, I will not just let you fuck everything you could have up. You've so much to be, you are so much, right now,' I furrowed my brow and looked him over, 'You need me as much as I need you. You just have to let me-for me please. We can share this, can't we?'
'I don't want you to see me and what I'm really like,' he smiled,' You'd be the one running away.'
I shook my head in disagreement, and I lifted my hands to his hair, running my hands through it a little-he didn't seem to mind, his eyes fluttered closed, 'I'm not going anywhere Edward,' I whispered. 'I'm always, always here, no matter what, and I want you to lean on me. Please I'm begging?' My voice sounded so small for what I was asking of him, and to my surprise, he nodded. His eyes still closed, one of my hands still in his hair, the other, resting on his hand, cupping my face. And all the while he nodded.
'Just, if it's not too much to ask, will you do me a favour please?'
His eyes snapped open and he looked at me curiously, 'Anything.'
'Please, don't break me anymore than I already am. So much has happened,' I was whispering my confessions at this stage and I wanted so much to just let go and for him to catch me; I was too desperate for my own good, 'And I'm so alone, I want....no, I need for a little bit more happiness. Can you do that? It's a lot to ask, I promise I won't be disappointed if you can't and maybe I don't deserve it-I've messed up so much for myself already as well. But I'm greedy,' I chuckled, 'and I need to be selfish for me. I want to be happy. Will you help me? Try and give it to me?'
Edward looked at me for a few moments without uttering a word, then he leaned over and pressed his forehead against my own, as my hand slid down to his neck, 'Isabella Swan, I will give you anything and everything that I can. Just say the word.'
I nodded gratefully, 'And I'll give it back,' I promised.
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me