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Chapter Four

It was tense in the taxi ride back to the loft, Matthew tucked into Kate's side and refusing to look at Castle. Silent and sullen and they had no idea why.

Kate dropped a kiss to the crown of Matthew's head. She was fine with holding him. She'd hold him forever if she thought it would fix everything, but she knew it wasn't that easy. Matthew's gut-wrenching pleas for his mom had forced Rick and Kate out of the denial they'd been living in these past few weeks. They didn't talk about Matthew's birth parents. They didn't talk about the whole five years of history Matthew had before them - and, really, Matthew didn't either - but they couldn't keep avoiding that subject.

Now it was all Kate could think about. Matthew's real mother.

Months ago, when they'd started this journey, she always thought they'd get the child plucked from abusive parents. Or the one who'd been neglected. Stereotypes, maybe, but ones that she'd seen for herself in her years on the force. And she had been ready to show such a child a different life than the ever-shifting ways of being in foster care.

She never ever thought they'd get Matthew. His parents' rights had never been terminated. He'd never been verbally battered or mistreated, just dealt a different kind of cruel hand than the children she imagined. Loving parents ripped away from him in a single, tragic moment. And no one else in his life to take him in.

The only thought reverberating through Kate's mind was that she'd never measure up to Matthew's memories of the woman who'd raised him. She couldn't possibly.

She looked over at Castle, at the Berlin wall that had been erected between him and Matthew on the space of the cab's backseat. Matthew in the middle, but he'd put a lot of effort in being as close to Kate's side as possible.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't Castle's fault, but she knew by the look on her husband's face that he was blaming himself for the incident. For making Matthew cry out for his deceased mother.

She stuttered a breath, fingers reaching out for his. They linked on the seat, his thumb drawing gentle circles on her skin, but he wouldn't return her gaze. She couldn't get the words out, the ones he desperately needed to hear right now. He had nothing to be ashamed of and if he would just look at her, he'd know she didn't blame him. But he wouldn't.

In the front seat of the cab, Alexis shifted and glanced back at the miserable three. She'd been just as reticent as the rest of them, unsure of what to do. It was a feeling Kate had become all too intimate with lately. But she smiled encouragingly at Alexis and tried to put the young woman at ease.

What a pitiful bunch they were. Rick, Kate, and Alexis trying to mold their futures around a boy still grieving his past.

She glanced down at Matthew curled up under her arm and suddenly, she was dreading going back to the loft, too. She didn't know where home was for Matthew, but it wasn't with them.

Matthew shifted, leaning his head back to look at her. Dark brown eyes that always butchered her. Oh, the things this kid could do to her heart with just one mournful look. She reached across and tucked his head back against her, cradling him close and forcing his gaze elsewhere.

If they thought a five-year-old would give them a cue, a lead-in to the conversation that needed to happen, they were foolish. Because waiting for this child to present them with the perfect opportunity to talk was clearly an unrealistic dream.

They'd already wasted the rest of the night on pretending like what transpired at Comicadia never happened. And Castle would have probably kept the holding pattern in place. He didn't know what to say to a boy who was already wise to life's unpredictability.

Castle would give it more time. Wait and see.

But Kate couldn't sit with that. She watched Matthew with hawk eyes, waiting, just like him, for the courage to ask about tonight. About what had made Matthew snap.

They'd never been good this. The early days of their relationship were filled with screaming out words they didn't mean and carving deeper wounds with silence when they refused to mend the misunderstanding. Honest conversation had always been hard to come by. Even when it seemed inconsequential.

Like now.

They'd just told Matthew to brush his teeth and get pj's on when Kate cornered him in the living room.

"What do we say to him?"

"What do you mean 'what do we say to him'?" Hadn't they done enough damage for one evening?

She rolled her eyes, huffed a sharp breath, and he knew he'd said the wrong thing.

See? They'd always sucked at this.

"Castle, he had a meltdown. Don't you want to know what that was about?"

He rubbed at the back of his neck with one hand. Not really. Not if it meant Matthew confirming what Castle already feared to be true. That Matthew didn't want to be here. With them. And with what the little guy had already been through, Castle couldn't even be angry about that. Hurt, yes. Definitely a little battered and bruised by the notion, but not angry with him.

"If Matthew wanted to talk about it, he would have already." Castle argued.

Kate folded her arms across her chest.

He was a coward. He knew. But Kate's level gaze accused him of it just the same.

"He wants his mother, Kate." Not them.

His words hung heavy in the air.

"Of course he does." She said so gently, filled with an understanding Caste knew nothing about and it broke his heart all over again. She shrugged mirthlessly at her next words. "But she's gone and nothing he does can bring her back. That's a hard thing to accept, especially at his age."

He was an idiot. A coward and an idiot and he couldn't at all relate to Matthew's situation like Kate could.

Inadequate. That's what he really was.

Of course Matthew wanted his mom. But where did that leave him and Kate?

He didn't know what to say, but it felt unfair to volunteer Kate. Here, you do it. You know what it's like to lose a Mommy. No, that would only add 'jackass' to his growing list.

"I'm all done." Matthew called from the top of the stairs.

Kate locked eyes with Castle and he saw, no matter what he said, they were doing this.

"Can we read this one?" Matthew already had a book in hand, knowing how their nightly ritual played out by now. He was pressing on apparently, getting over whatever had him so strung up earlier. Or he was suppressing it, living in the same denial that she and Castle had constructed. He was either incredibly healthy or just as messed up as the rest of them, Kate couldn't decide.

"Sure, Buddy, in a moment." She promised. "But, first…"

She sat on his bed and beckoned Matthew to do the same, Castle following their lead.

"Sweetie, you were so upset this evening." She pushed the hair back from his face, stalling. Come on, Kate. Break the mold. "Can you - do you want to tell us what that was about?"

Matthew's face flamed and he stayed mute.

Oh, sweet boy.

Her mind raced, thoughts tumbling over one another in an effort to make this right, to set him at ease, but nothing came of the chaos inside her.

"It's ok if you don't want to talk about it." Castle spoke up. "But if you did, we're here to listen."

"Ok." Matthew said, but added nothing else. Kate glanced at Castle, silently asked if there was more that could be said or if Matthew was done. Shutting them out.

No one told her it could possibly hurt this much, loving a child. He was continually splintering her heart to bits and pieces. And she'd never loved another soul like she loved this wounded boy.

"I know you miss your mom and dad." Kate found herself murmuring to him, trying to work up the courage to tell him she knew just how it felt. She'd battled the same pain as he had.

But he jumped in first. "I'm sorry."

Kate shook her head.

Wait. What?

"Don't apologize, Buddy." Castle murmured.

"Sweetie, why do you feel like you need to say sorry for that?" Kate pressed. Matthew's chin dipped towards his chest, guilt written all over him. "Matthew?"

"Ashley said if I talked about dead people again, she'd hit me. She said it's bad to talk about dead people. Mommy and Daddy are dead."

"Who's Ashley?" Kate asked fiercely, an anger coiling in her gut unmatched by anything she'd felt before.

"My friend from my other home."

His other home… The group home? He'd been living there before coming here. Kate heaved a sigh. She wanted to have a nice, long chat with Ashley. The fact that anyone told Matthew he wasn't allowed to talk about the two people he loved most in this world, that he wasn't allowed to grieve their loss openly…

Kate was about ready to lose it.

Castle reached out, framed Matthew's little face with one hand, and made the boy look him in the eye. "Ashley was wrong." Castle said firmly. "Matthew, you can always talk about your parents. Especially with me and Kate. Understand?"

Matthew nodded.

But his still-guarded expression spoke volumes. Castle's words hadn't reached him, not in a way that mattered. He didn't believe it. The message of another child was so deeply rooted in his mind, making it all that much harder for them to help Matthew. How soon after their death had he been told to keep quiet about it? How long had those words festered under the surface until now?

And suddenly, it seemed hypocritical for her to guard her own loss so fiercely from Matthew. He needed to know, not just be told, that it was alright - good, even - to talk about this.

"Matthew, look at me." She ordered gently, waiting for those chocolate brown eyes to find hers. As if she'd never had any trepidation, the words came freely like she'd said them a thousand times. "My mom died when I was young, too. So I know how you feel, Honey."

He didn't speak, but his eyes never left Kate's, the newly forged connection spinning through his mind. She peppered his forehead with kisses. She couldn't fix his ache, but oh, she could empathize.

"Even if it makes me sad, I still like to share my memories of her." She smiled broadly then, even as her vision swam. "Like when I was your age, my mom took me to the circus for the first time and we got to eat cotton candy and I saw these trapeze artists flipping through the air. It was so fun and I love that memory of just me and my mom. I can still remember looking up at her and seeing the biggest smile on her face. She had such a beautiful smile."

She risked a glance towards her husband and, damn it, he had that look on his face, his gaze adoring her while he listened, like she was amazing and brave and inspiring. Her breath hitched as she averted her gaze back to Matthew.

"It's always good to talk about the ones we've lost." She reiterated, wanting him to believe it so bad. "I don't ever want you to hold back. Understand?"

"Yes." Matthew said. And this time Kate believed he meant it.

She looked again at Castle and seemed to realize he'd taken the backseat in this conversation. He didn't know the kind of loss that bonded Matthew and Kate. But she didn't like him sitting there like an outsider. And although she loved him for not wanting to intrude, it had to be all of them together or it wouldn't work. "Hey, Matthew? You know who gives the very best hugs on rough days like today?" She posed the question then glanced obviously to Rick. He smiled tenderly when he saw what she was doing and held his arms open to Matthew. The boy went easily to him, sinking into Castle's embrace.

Her heart flip-flopped, watching the two of them. Each passing second of Matthew tucked safely in her husband's arms seemed to heal Castle's emotional bruises left from Matthew's earlier thrashings. She knew it had hurt, what happened tonight at Comicadia. She knew Castle loved being a dad and he was wonderful at it, but so tender-hearted, too. He needed this moment with Matthew more than he would admit.

She spotted Matthew's little fingers reaching out for that long-forgotten book on his bed. Oh, yes, they were supposed to be putting him to bed, weren't they? She chewed the inside of her cheek to keep from smiling as Matthew grabbed Castle's hand and forced it to hold the book. Subtle, Matthew. Real subtle.

Castle huffed a laugh. "I guess we can read this." He grumbled sarcastically, a bit of that spark returning to his eyes. He flipped open the book, the deep cadence of his voice immersing both Kate and Matthew in the story.

When it was over, they tucked Matthew in bed. He didn't say another word about Comicadia or his parents or Ashley. But he smiled sweetly when he said goodnight and it felt like progress.

They would sort this out, this pursuit of becoming a family.

They'd have to. Kate wasn't letting this boy go. And from the looks of it, neither was Castle.

Thoughts?

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