Thank you so much for the awesome reviews...even the ones who think the story is ooc or that it doesn't make sense. It is a complicated story and it will all come together eventually. Here is some more...
He didn't say anything…he just stared. She wondered if he was noticing how different she looked now, her darker hair, the few extra pounds she'd put on after the hellacious year prior, the bags under her eyes from not sleeping the night before when Noah had been up with a runny nose and cough. "Can I come in?" she asked, and he moved so she could make her way into the apartment.
"Excuse the mess…" he said, with a voice that was noncommittal. He didn't care why she was there. He just wanted her to go. She looked around the tiny apartment. There were empty beer bottles and fast food containers scattered across the coffee table and a pile of dirty clothes in the corner. Pillows and a blanket were spread across the faded green sofa, letting her know this one room was his whole living space. She looked into the tiny kitchenette and saw the grocery bag from earlier perched on the counter, a six pack of beer sitting beside it, one missing. He saw her looking toward the kitchen and picked up his open beer from the counter, "You want something to drink?" he asked, hoping she'd say no.
She shook her head, "Elliot…I'm working." She saw his eyes widen as he raised the bottle to his lips and took a long drink. "El…it's Lizzie…"
"No…" he shook his head and slammed the bottle down on the counter. "You can't just come here…you know that right? You have no business in my apartment…"
"Elliot…" she sighed. "Lizzie was attacked…"
"No..stop," his words were slurred and she wasn't sure if he was drunk or just distraught. "Stop saying that about her…"
"I'm so sorry…" she looked into his eyes, recognizing the pain in them that she hadn't noticed before. "Elliot, Lizzie died…earlier today…at Mercy…"
"Shut the fuck up!" he yelled, grabbing his bottle of beer and flinging it across the room. "How dare you…you think you can come here with some story like that…"
"It's the truth," Olivia said sadly. "I should have let someone else come…but I thought maybe it would be better if it came from me."
"If it came from you?" he shook his head. "Why? Because we're so close…I can fall apart in front of you or something? Just go…"
"El, Fin and I told Kathy…and she gave me your address. She was pretty shaken up," Olivia looked at the ground, not wanting to face him any longer. "I think you should go see her…and Eli…"
"Shut up!" he yelled again. "Who the fuck do you think you are? Stay out of my family business…"
"Okay, I'm sorry," she sighed. "But El…Lizzie…"
"Who did it?" he asked. "Did you find the son of a bitch…because I swear I'll kill him myself."
"We're looking for her boyfriend," Olivia told him. "But you have to stay out of this."
"She doesn't have a boyfriend…" he insisted, "And don't tell me to stay out of this. My daughter is dead…and I will kill the bastard with my bare hands if that's what it takes. Lord knows I can't depend on the NYPD to take care of this."
"Elliot…when's the last time you talked to Lizzie?" Olivia asked, wondering why neither of the girl's parents seemed to know anything about her life.
"I don't know…six, seven months ago." He walked into the kitchenette and opened another beer, taking a drink. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Lizzie was pregnant," Olivia said gently. He took another drink, looking at her as if he expected more of an explanation. "Did you hear me? Your daughter was pregnant, El…and you didn't even know she had a boyfriend."
"Kathy probably told her not to tell me," he admitted. "Wouldn't want me flying off the handle…"
"Kathy didn't know either," Olivia told him.
That seemed to surprise him, and he walked to the door and opened it, "Can you go now?" he asked. "I need some time…"
"Elliot…Lizzie's baby…she's alive," Olivia told him. "She's premature…but she's in the NICU. She needs a family…"
"Lizzie's baby?" he asked, tears forming in his eyes for the first time in longer than he could remember. "Liz had…a baby?"
"A little girl…" Olivia forced a weak smile. "You and Kathy are her guardians legally…at least until we can find the father. She doesn't even have a name yet."
He stood there with his hand on the door frame and tears pooling in his eyes. "Did you tell Kathy?"
She nodded, "She wasn't ready to hear it," she said, not wanting to tell him that Kathy had asked them to put the baby up for adoption. "But your granddaughter…she needs her family. She's all alone up there, El…"
"My granddaughter," his voice faded and he closed the door. "Can you…uhm…" he stopped, not wanting to ask her for a favor but realizing he had no other choice, "Do you think you could give me a ride to Mercy?" he asked.
"I can do that," Olivia felt such relief that she had to hold in her smile. "How much have you had to drink?" she asked, still not sure if he was drunk or sober. "Do you need to…maybe clean up a little first?"
He nodded, "Let me take a shower…then I'll be fine," he walked toward the small door leading to the bathroom and turned to look at her, "Would you mind making some coffee?" he asked, motioning toward the kitchen area, "It's in the cupboard."
Olivia did smile then…a soft, sad smile, "Sure…I'll make coffee…" She walked toward the cupboard, listening to the shower in the next room and she closed her eyes, feeling better than she had in years. At least he was talking to her…that was a start. She opened the cabinet door, screaming when a small gray mouse jumped out at her.
"You okay out there?" she heard him call from the bathroom.
"I'm fine…" she yelled back, as she grabbed the coffee can and wondered how contaminated the container was from having rodents crawling all over it. "How did you end up here, El?" she whispered, as she washed the glass coffee pot as well as she could and opened the can and measured a scoop. "This is all my fault…" she sighed, thinking back to the last time they were in the same place together.
She woke up to the smell of coffee and it made her sick. She sat up slowly, looking around and taking a moment to realize she was in Elliot's living room. Then it all came back to her…showing up at his place, telling him she loved him, trying to leave and giving in when he picked her up and carried her back into the house. She was wearing his Marine Corps t-shirt and a pair of shorts that were too big and she looked around for her own clothes, but she didn't see them anywhere. She had to get out of there.
"Hey…you're awake," he smiled, walking into the living room with a cup of coffee and handing it to her, "Drink this…"
"No," she cringed, "I feel sick…"
"I'm not surprised," he sat next to her and put the cup on the coffee table. "How much did you drink last night?"
"Enough to put my college-self to shame," she put her aching head in her hands and sighed, "I need to go home. Where are my clothes?"
"In the washer," he said as she looked questioningly at him. "You threw up on them…and me…after I carried you into the house last night."
"Oh God," she groaned, embarrassed by her actions the night before. "I'm sorry, El…I'm so sorry…"
"It's okay," he squeezed her hand. "We all do stupid things sometimes." He smiled, "You want to take a shower? Maybe you'll feel better."
"Okay," she stood up, her legs feeling wobbly beneath her. "I swear I'm never drinking again…"
He laughed, "I'll believe that when I see it."
She walked upstairs to the bathroom, turning on the shower and looking in the mirror. Her hair was disheveled and her skin was a sickly gray. She looked through the cabinet, finding tooth paste and squirting a little on her finger, doing her best to rid her mouth of the taste of vomit and the fuzzy coating on her tongue. Then she gargled with the minty blue mouthwash and stepped out of her borrowed clothes and into the steaming shower. As the water ran down her body, all she could do was cry. She'd told Elliot she loved him. How could she do that? And even worse, he didn't say it back to her. He never would. She was an idiot to think he'd risk his family for her…and if it hadn't been for the alcohol she would've been smarter than to expect him to.
She finally turned off the water, wrapping herself in a towel and grabbing a pony-tail holder from the counter. It was probably Kathy's, but maybe it belonged to one of the girls. At this point she didn't care. She pulled back her hair and wrapped the elastic band around it. Then she grabbed the clothes from the floor and pulled them on. There was a knock at the door and it startled her, "Are you okay in there?" Elliot's voice echoed from the other side. "You've been in there forever."
She opened the door, a fake smile plastered across her face. "I'm fine…thanks for letting me stay. I'm gonna go now." She tried to walk past him, but he grabbed her and wouldn't let her get by. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"We need to talk…about last night," he said and then he pulled her into a kiss that she didn't expect and even though she didn't want to give into it, she couldn't stop herself. Finally he pulled away, looking at her and smiling, "I wanted to do that last night…but you were drunk and it would've been wrong."
"It's wrong now," she sighed, shaking her head nervously. "I need to go…we can't do this."
"You came here," he reminded her. "You said you missed me."
"I do miss you!" she yelled. "You've been gone for weeks…not responding to texts or answering your damn phone. Then yesterday Cragen calls me into his office and says you quit…just like that. How the hell am I supposed to just accept that, El? You chose to leave…and not to tell me."
"I told you last night…I'm sorry for that," he pulled her close. "I wasn't leaving you…I was leaving the job. I can't do it anymore."
"But we're not gonna see each other anymore," she cried. "And I can't imagine not seeing you every day. The thought of it…it kills me…"
"Me too," he brushed away her tears and kissed her again, guiding her toward the bedroom. He reached for the Marine Corps t-shirt, pulling it over her head and throwing her back on the bed.
"Don't…" she pushed him off. "We can't do this. Do you know how stupid this is?" but she couldn't resist his touch or his mouth brushing against her neck and she gasped, "El…"
He stopped and looked at her, so vulnerable beneath him and stopped, "You don't want to?" he asked. "I'm sorry, Liv…I thought…"he started to get up, but she pulled him closer.
"No…I want to," she kissed him and didn't think about the shame she felt until it was over.
An hour later they were curled up together in Elliot's bed…she bit her lip as he ran his fingers across her bare skin. "I've wanted to do that for a long time," he admitted and she laughed.
"Me too," she said, sitting up and looking around the room for the first time. Kathy's robe was hanging on the back of the door. It was white with pink roses and Olivia couldn't help but think that she'd never worn anything with that kind of a print in her entire life. She glanced at the nightstand, where Elliot and Kathy's wedding photo stared back at her along with a photo of the kids taken at Christmas and she wanted to throw up. What had she done? As much as she'd always wanted Elliot…she'd never wanted to destroy his family. "El…" she sputtered. "This was wrong…"
In her heart, she wished he'd say it wasn't…that fate had brought them together and that they simply couldn't fight the urges anymore…not that they were horrible people who hadn't bothered to think of the consequences of their weak moment of passion. But he didn't say that. Instead he looked at her and his voice quivered, "I love my family, Liv."
"I know," she nodded.
"I'm sorry…" he kissed her and she pulled away. "I'm so sorry….I don't even know why…why I let this happen…"
"Let this happen?" she asked. "You wanted to…you started it…" she cried. "Damn you…"
Then they heard the front door slam and feet running up the stairs, "Dad…guess what? I got in…" Richard's voice called out and before either of them could move he'd pushed the door open, standing there with a college acceptance letter in his hand and a look of shock and disgust on his face. "What the hell…" the boy gasped and Olivia pulled the blanket around her, lowering her head in shame.
"Dickie…" Elliot said, not sure what to say and throwing out the only thing that came to mind, "I thought you were spending the weekend with your friend?" Richard looked at the two of them, and then turned around and walked out of the room. "Oh shit…" Elliot stood up, grabbing his clothes and throwing them on as fast as he could. "This is bad…damn it Liv…" he looked angrily at her, "Get dressed and go home…now!" She picked up the clothes she'd borrowed from him, since hers were probably still in the washer and tried unsuccessfully to hold in her tears and she put them on. He looked at her, and closed his eyes, ashamed of more than he could say, "Liv…I'm sorry…this wasn't your fault. It was me…"
She shook her head, "I didn't mean for this to happen…for Dickie to find out…"
"I'll talk to him…and we'll see what happens," he wanted to hug her, to dry her tears but he knew he couldn't. Instead he asked, "Do you need money to get home?" remembering her empty purse the night before. She glared back at him, and he realized that she longed to hear him say "I love you" but instead he'd made her feel like a whore by offering her money and kicking her out...but he couldn't make himself say what she needed him to. "I'll call you later," he promised, even though he knew he wouldn't.
"Is the coffee ready?" he asked, emerging from the bathroom, his face freshly shaved and smelling slightly of cologne.
"Yeah," she cleared her throat and watched as he grabbed a cup from the cabinet and started to fill it. "You might want to wash that cup…you have mice."
He laughed, "You think I don't know I have mice." He took a sip of the coffee and winked at her, "I prefer to live dangerously."
"We should get going," she tried to push her memories from her mind, but all she could think about was how she had confessed her love for him at the most inopportune time…how he had made love to her, and then said he loved his family…and how he'd never once said he loved her back.
More soon...