Fanboy And Chum Chum: The Phantom Kidnapper

(A/N: Kyle's dragged Poopatine into his scheme and the janitor is still unsure of how he let himself be pulled into it. However, he's committed to it now. So will Kyle be able to teach him anything? Simple answer, Poopatine isn't as slow of a learner as he thinks. In fact, he doesn't even know the magnitude of the truth in that statement.)

Wizardry 101

Kyle made his way to the janitor's closet and knocked. Poopatine opened the door and gestured for Kyle to enter. "Make yourself at home in the Dump Star. There are books, sodas, and whatnot lying about it. Enough for you to entertain yourself while I clean. No magic," Poopatine simply greeted.

"Yes sir," Kyle reluctantly agreed with a pout, climbing into the Dump Star and to the top. Poopatine followed. Kyle skimmed the books and picked up one that looked like a classic. He sat back and began to vaguely flip through it. "The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, hmm? Intriguing," he remarked. He grabbed a soda and began to sip as Janitor Poopatine got the Dump Star rolling. "Ooh, The Snow Queen too," Kyle added, looking around in pleasant surprise at the selection. Well, there were some that had nothing to do with his kind, such as Janitor stories and manuals and whatnot, but most were right up his ally. Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, the Harry Potter series. He was unsure if he should be offended or not at that one, but beggars couldn't be choosers. Besides, they were all owned by the Janitor. None had come from the library. He wondered what possessed Poopatine to have such an odd collection. Oh, and there was The Sorcerer's Apprentice. Really now.

Kyle raised his eyebrow suspiciously at the Janitor's turned back. Something was up. As if sensing the gaze, Poopatine defended, "I went through a phase, okay?

"Janitors, spells, and other such things, oh my," Kyle remarked, picking up The Wizard of Oz.

"If you want them you can have them. I've finished each one. Except for The Sorcerer's Apprentice and The Snow Queen, which I intend to keep, they're all fair game," Poopatine said, shrugging indifferently.

"Really?" Kyle asked excitedly.

"I have no use for them," the janitor replied.

"Oh goody," Kyle replied, turning back to his book and sighing contentedly as the Janitor cleaned up the school. He supposed he felt guilty for not helping, but last time he'd tried it hadn't ended well. He'd repay him for everything eventually, he promised himself. Poopatine had been nothing if not tolerant and cordial to him. Quite a leap for the creepy and cruel janitor to waist his breath on him.

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"Finally," Poopatine remarked as the two walked out of the school together and headed towards the shed where 'Brenda' was.

"I say, do all Janitors work such late shifts?" Kyle asked, yawning.

"I'm the school's only janitor, boy. I work long and hard," Poopatine answered.

"I daresay they should stop being so cheap and hire some extra help," Kyle remarked.

"I don't want it," Poopatine replied. "I've done too much to give up my role." He opened the shed and brought out Brenda, sitting on the robotic vehicle and starting it.

Kyle waved his wand, levitating, then said, "Now to bring you to my home so we can get started on training!"

"So late?" Poopatine questioned.

"You were the one who said we couldn't start during school hours," Kyle bit. "It isn't my problem you're paying for it now."

"You're pushing your luck, Kyle," Poopatine warned. Kyle swallowed and grinned innocently, letting it go.

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It was dark. The wind was blowing lightly and eerie noises sounded through the night. Creaking, screams, sirens, trash cans, and the moaning of the winds through the night. The two guardedly looked around, eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Can you feel it in the air?" Kyle questioned, after they'd been walking for a time down the abandoned dark street.

"Feel what?" Poopatine questioned.

"There's a presence about," Kyle stated. "Probably pixies or the Boogeyman."

"Really now, the boogeyman is a fairy tale," Poopatine replied.

Just then the wind picked up as if angered. In the distance a wolf howled at the moon. The streetlights along the road went out and the two froze. After a moment's silence, Kyle whispered, "Don't insult him."

"This is madness," Poopatine declared. Just then they heard a dark laugh from an alley and sharply looked over. A pair of eyes glared out at them, and the moon reflected off of sharpened claws and teeth. "The imagination," Poopatine said, trying to explain the sight away.

"Janitor Poopatine, please," Kyle begged, clinging to the janitor's arm. "I don't like it here."

"Can you feel that?" Poopatine questioned.

"Feel what?" Kyle asked tensely.

He looked into the air and answered mysteriously, "The boogeyman will not come after us tonight, Kyle. There are other eyes watching us."

"Other eyes?" he questioned.

"Never you mind. Come along," Poopatine prompted. Kyle nodded.

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"Here it is," Kyle declared, stopping outside a home.

"This?" Poopatine questioned.

"Yes. I'll admit it's a shabby dump, but it's mine," Kyle confirmed, opening the door and prompting the janitor to follow him.

They were in his living room now, and Poopatine was looking around the home curiously. It wasn't bad. Smaller than he'd expected, but not bad. Kyle came from an adjacent room saying, "Right then. Let's get started shall we?"

Poopatine looked over and replied, "Let's shall."

"This is a wand," Kyle explained slowly, handing a crooked stick like thing to Poopatine. "This is an enchanter's best friend. It is a very delicate task, using one of these. The slightest mistake could be catastrophic."

"The process looks simple enough. You wave it," Poopatine replied, gazing at the stick unimpressed.

"You have got to be kidding me," Kyle said. He sighed, adding, "We have a lot of work to do. Stay here. I'll go get mine and clean this place up a bit before we start." Kyle quickly raced out.

Poopatine shook his head. How could children have such energy? He looked at the wand and scoffed, pointing it at a broom and zapping. "Now, my old friend, call for your fellow cleaning products and tidy this place up for your master." The broom shuddered and rose up 'looking' around. Immediately it flew over to some other products and woke them as well. The products instantly swept around the room cleaning everything they could until things were sparkling. Poopatine smugly smirked, saying, "A challenge? Hah! Not anymore you aren't." He looked down at the wand.

Just then Kyle raced in, saying, "Got it!" He slid to a halt and screamed on seeing what was going on. "What have you done!" he demanded.

"That's enough, boys, back to your spots," Poopatine ordered, clapping his hands twice. The products all turned to look at him, then Kyle, then back, and instantly obeyed the command. He zapped them again, making them inanimate. They heard a squeak and looked over. A rag was busy wiping off a table until it was sparkling. "Not a chance," Poopatine said, holding his hand towards it and grabbing thin air. Imagine Kyle's surprise when the rag struggled as if Poopatine was actually holding it in his hand! Poopatine tossed it into a bucket and zapped it with the wand.

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"Did you just…" Kyle began, after recovering.

"Use the force? Yes. I am endowed with the janitor's force," Poopatine answered.

"How did you… you never screwed up with the wand!" Kyle exclaimed. "But how…"

"You've read The Sorcerer's Apprentice?" Poopatine casually questioned, swinging the wand around as like he was a gunslinger showing off with his gun.

"Of course I have. Standard issue reading for any student of Milkweed," Kyle replied.

"A favorite tale of mine growing up," Poopatine declared, blowing on the wand then tossing it to Kyle, who caught it and gaped in awe.

"B-but how could you control the items if all you ever read was that tale!" Kyle exclaimed. Probably not only that tale, seeing all the other books he'd had, but still.

"So much for taking a long time to teach me new tricks, eh boy?" Poopatine questioned, amused at the wizard's disbelief and avoiding directly answering.

"But-but this is impossible!" Kyle exclaimed. "How?"

"It is a long story. One I don't care to get into. The force is one with me, and I with it, but I chose another path, the dark path. That, of a janitor!" Poopatine declared. Kyle could only gape. "Despite that, your Professor Flan won't be disappointed, Kyle. Not this time," Poopatine replied.

"Unless of course Fanboy and Chum Chum inconveniently show up. Again!" Kyle remarked, shaking out of the surprise, or trying.

"Aren't they your best friends?" Poopatine questioned.

"I suppose," Kyle reluctantly admitted. "But it doesn't stop them from screwing everything up for me."

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There was an awkward silence. Finally Poopatine cleared his throat and said, "Do you have anything else to teach?"

Kyle started and looked at him. He hesitated then answered, "I'm not sure. There are spells, chants, the Necronomicon…"

"Are you going to start then?" Poopatine questioned.

"After seeing your skills with the wand I doubt you'd need any more training for just one interview," Kyle replied.

"It's just like using a feather duster," Poopatine replied, tossing the wand into the air then catching it easily.

"Hold on a moment," Kyle said. He raced to a bookshelf and grabbed out his Necronomicon. He brought it to the man and offered it, saying, "The easiest ones are on the first pages, perfect for a beginner. Try some of them out just for good measure."

Poopatine took the book and opened it. "Kyle, who is this?" the book suddenly questioned. Poopatine jumped and gasped. He slammed it shut and turned it over. On seeing Poopatine's face, however, the book itself gasped. "Why it's…" it began.

Poopatine exclaimed, "It talks!"

"Necronomicon, meet Janitor Poopatine, Janitor Poopatine, Necronomicon," Kyle simply introduced.

"A pleasure?" Poopatine more questioned than anything, looking down at the book as if he'd just received the shock of a lifetime.

"A-And you," the book stammered in reply, looking completely lost.

"Well what are you waiting for, we don't have all night. Practice," Kyle insisted, opening the book again.

"Yes, practice," Poopatine replied, looking over the spell.

"Perhaps you should practice in the spare room, just in case something goes wrong," Kyle suggested, looking slightly nervous as he glanced over the spells to double check if it was a good idea to let the janitor try them.

"Nothing will happen, boy," Poopatine replied, annoyed. Nonetheless he went into the spare room. Kyle pulled out The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, flopping onto the couch to wait for the Janitor's return.

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It was around midnight when Poopatine exited the spare room, the Necronomicon sleeping. He looked shakily at the book, then went to the bookshelf and placed it in its place. The conversations they'd had… He'd rather not think on them now. It had only taken him five minutes to master the beginner spells Kyle had suggested, the rest of the time he and the book had conversed. Perhaps he'd let the thing talk for too long. It knew everything, every last secret he had, and there were few. The ones he held, though, were not to get out under any circumstance, yet the book had known them all. He was glad he'd put it to sleep before it got too loud.

"Right then, if there's no more you have to show me, young master Kyle, then I should be going," Poopatine declared, looking at his watch. There was no reply, and he turned curiously. The boy was fast asleep on the couch curled into the fetal position with a teddy bear. He blinked then shook his head. He went into the spare room and took the blanket off the bed. Going back into the living room he tucked the child in. He looked down on the boy a moment longer. Strange kid, really. At least he wasn't as bad as Fanboy and Chum Chum. He shrugged then quietly flicked off the light, tiptoeing out of the house and into the pitch black streets.