AN: Guess what's still alive, bois?

Chapter 4

The Isolated Plateau, Part 1

The old man walked slowly. A cool breeze flowed along the surface of the Great Plateau, though strangely the disguised king's hood remained unbothered by it. I blinked at that. It should have been billowing a bit; my hair was, albeit only slightly. Perhaps the weather simply didn't affect him because he was actually a ghost.

We followed him up a short dirt hill, past a small deposit of large rocks. When we reached the top of the hill, I examined the area around us. We faced the retaining wall on the cliff of the Plateau diagonally, to the northwest. Between us and a small lake—more of a pond, really—sat an enemy encampment. A group of bokoblins danced around a bonfire, and on the edge of the encampment closest to us, a pig-faced archer stood looking for enemies on a mini, wooden watchtower. Wooden crates lay scattered around the campsite, with some crudely made, wooden boko spears leaned up against them.

Another, larger lake sparkled in the afternoon sun, beyond the enemy encampment. What looked like broken down statues of upside down pots slept, slowly eroding, on the edges of that lake, and I guessed these to be Guardians. Some pillars, the purpose of which time had long since taken away, stuck up in the water, covered in moss and vines, and what I guessed were two broken stone bridges stuck out above the water, collapsed in the center. It was a bit hard to tell with the way the stone structures were designed, but bridges was my closest guess, anyway. And on the other side of THAT lake slept a glowing orange, black stone Shrine.

The old man stopped and pointed to the Shrine.

"Do you both see that structure there?" he asked softly. "The one shining with a strange light?"

"It's a little hard to miss," Link pointed out.

"It began glowing the exact moment that those towers rose up from the ground. I would think that such a place might house some sort of treasure, wouldn't you?" The old man seemed amused by this.

I blinked. "That does look like the kind of conspicuous place someone might put treasure."

The taller man nodded. "Indeed. Why don't you fetch whatever is inside of it for me? Treasure for the paraglider; a fair exchange, I think."

Link exchanged a sidelong glance with me. "Uh, sure," he said slowly.

We set off ahead of our sudden companion in the direction of the shrine. Link and I skirted around the large pond, and my friend eyed the bokoblin encampment curiously.

"What are you thinking?" I asked him, nudging his side.

The blond shrugged. "Just wondering whether they might have any food or weapons or something we might be able to use."

"There's a lot of them there," I said with a frown. 'Four bokoblins, one of whom has a bow. There's only two of us. Think we can take them on?"

Link narrowed his eyes at the camp. "The ones I've fought before haven't been too skilled. I don't think they've really had any combat training, they're just using them on instinct and past experience. We should be fine."

I gave him a skeptical frown, but nodded. "Alright. You have a sword. I have a spear. Want to try and take them out now while we have the element of surprise, too?"

"Let's do this," he affirmed.

I swallowed a little nervously. Great. Battle. Just what I wanted. Well, at least it was only four red bokoblins. If we allowed them to get their weapons, they might be a little bit of an issue, but like Link said, they were a bit combat stupid. I could've chosen worse opponents for my first fight.

We snuck up around a slight bulge in the land to the tree that the archer bokoblin's watchtower stood next to. We waited until he was looking away from us, then darted behind some crates that sat on the ground in front of a ladder built into the unstable-looking tower. Just before he turned towards us, we ducked down and hid behind them.

"If we take out the archer before we focus on the others, we should be fine," Link reasoned.

I nodded. "Sounds good to me. We don't want arrows flying at us while we focus on a group."

"You go work on the archer," Link suggested quietly. "I'll sneak past him towards the other three."

We watched the bokoblin through a crack between the crates, and when he again turned away from us, we emerged from our hiding spot. We crept carefully along the grass and made our footsteps as quiet as possible. I reached the watchtower and grabbed the ladder, testing out its stability. Link continued forward, stopping on one side of the watchtower for a moment so that the bokoblin wouldn't see him. Meanwhile, I placed a cautious foot on the first rung of the ladder, and when it didn't make any noise, I nodded to myself and clambered up to the top.

The bokoblin, still unaware of my presence, had its back turned to me and so didn't even see it coming when I grabbed my boko spear and whacked it harshly across his head twice. He didn't even have time to react; the first hit dazed him, and the second hit knocked him clear off the watchtower. The moment his head connected with the ground, he melted into shadow and dispersed, thus making no noise.

While I killed the archer, Link had begun to creep up toward the encampment. He withdrew his short-bladed traveler's sword, hand firmly grasped around its dark grip. He made his way towards the bokoblin in the middle of the pack. The only noise coming from him was the crunching of grass beneath his feet, and even this was kept to as much of a minimum as possible. His breathing light, his gaze hyper-focused, Link raised his sword high into the air the moment he reached his target.

The bokoblin never knew what hit him. All it did know was pain as Link's sword stabbed through its neck from behind. Malice dripped from its wound, melting the grass beneath it with an accompanying sizzle for just a moment. Then the bokoblin turned to shadow and dispersed into the atmosphere.

The other bokoblins jolted to attention and stared at Link with bug-eyed shock. He readied his sword for another swipe, but they rushed towards their weapons, avoiding his attack in the process. Link frowned and spun around as one of them picked up a bow, and the other grabbed a simple club.

I leaped off of the watchtower, which wasn't even taller than the tree beside it, and landed lightly on the ground. I then rushed over to help Link as he dashed forward to slay the final two bokoblins. The bokoblin who'd grabbed the bow notched an arrow and fired it at Link, but, graceful and elegant, he deftly spun away from it. In one fluid motion, he used the momentum of the dodge to bring his sword slicing up toward the bokoblin. The club-wielder, however, who had also picked up a shield, screeched and darted forward. It blocked his sword attack, making him stumble, and lashed at his head with its wooden club.

"HIYA!" I cried, cracking my spear across the crown of its head just after it whalloped Link hard. The Champion staggered but shook himself to attention just as the second archer notched another arrow. Link ran at it and knocked the bow out of its hands with a clean swipe of the flat of his sword, then buried the blade in its head. It turned to shadow and dissipated.

The bokoblin with the club and shield, meanwhile, turned to face me angrily, shaking its head. It raised its shield as I jabbed my spear at it, blocking the jab. I frowned and jabbed again. It blocked again. Link snuck up behind it, motioning for me to continue distracting it. I narrowed my eyes and stabbed the wooden spear at it three times; it blocked two, but was knocked off-balance the third time. My partner used this chance to stab through where it's heart would be.

And that was the end of that.

A moment after the bokoblin disappeared like its buddies before it, a flash of purple light drew our attention to the opposite end of the camp from the archer tower. Another tower of similar size had been erected there. A skull-like chest that had two glowing purple eyes sat on top of it. Link grinned.

"Looks like we'll get more than just their weapons and shield for that!" he crowed happily, hurrying over to it and climbing up the ladder. He heaved himself up onto the platform with the chest and opened it.

"What's in there?" I asked.

He reached inside and lifted up another sword, nearly identical to the one he already carried. "Looks like we got a back-up sword."

I whistled appreciatively. "Nice."

"Yeah, mine is feeling weak. I think the blade's going to break soon."

Content with our reward for taking out the encampment, we gathered up the rest of the weapons and shields dropped by the dead bokoblins. Link took the shield since he'd be able to carry it with his short sword out. We each took a bow, very simple ones with supple wood that pulled back easily, and we also found a couple bundles of five arrows lying around the camp, as well as two quivers.

My back a few pounds heavier due to the items I now carried on it, I rolled my shoulders to crack them and grinned at Link. "Alright. Now that those monsters are taken care of, let's head to that shrine."

Link nodded. "Agreed. We should get that done as soon as possible."

We skirted around the decently-sized lake between us and the shining Shrine so that we wouldn't have to get unnecessarily wet. Our weapons clunked on our backs, which was a little annoying, but something I'd just have to get used to. We mostly just enjoyed the peace and warm, clear weather while we walked. At last, though, we reached the Shrine, and stood before it with a sense of awe.

It sat on the edge of a small pond that hugged its southern and western sides. A metal, dented crate sat collecting dust outside it, and I spied a metal chest half unburied in the pond's floor. We were very close to the Plateau's retaining wall now, close enough that its shadow stretched across the ground just five or six feet away. The ground around the stout, ancient structure was a mixture of dirt and small stones.

The Shrine itself, shaped oddly like a laboratory flask, was bulkier on the bottom and thinner on top. It was largely made out of the same smooth black rock that the stalactite on the tower was composed of. It had a curious maze-like design built into the bottom, through which orange light shone, and on the top facing us, the surface of the black stone glowed with an orange Sheikah eye design. Its entrance was currently closed off to us by slabs carved with what looked like ancient writing symbols.

A pedestal like the ones in both the tower and the Shrine of Resurrection sat in the open, on a platform that stuck out from it. Instead of having a slot for Link to place his not-Nintendo Switch in, however, it had another orange Sheikah eye. Frowning, Link moved to set the Sheikah Slate on the glowing eye, but when the screen crossed over the eye, the design switched from orange to blue.

Link startled as the bottom of the shrine glowed blue suddenly as well, and a robotic voice droned, "Sheikah Slate confirmed."

A circular design on the floor we stood on glowed blue, drawing my attention to it for the first time, and the same voice said, "Travel Gate registered to map. Access granted."

The slabs that blocked us off from the entrance to the Shrine swung inward, revealing a cramped room with only a circular platform on it. We glanced at each other, shrugged, and walked in to stand on the platform.

But nothing happened.

And nothing continued to happen.

I frowned. "What's wrong with this thing?"

"Maybe it's broken?" Link ventured.

"I mean, we have to be supposed to be going down, right?" I said, stomping on what I knew was the elevator to the Shrine. "There's nothing else in this goddamned Shrine than this platform, anyway."

Link frowned. "Maybe it's because we're both standing on it?" he guessed.

I blinked at him. "Eh? What do you mean?"

"Maybe it's only meant to take one person," he said, and stepped off the platform. He turned to watch what happened, and when nothing did, AGAIN, we both frowned. "Okay. You try stepping off."

I did as he told me to. The moment I did, the air hummed with energy and the platform began descending. I moved to get back on it to ride down with him, but Link rose a hand in the universal stop sign.

"Wait. If it only let me down, it might only let me back up."

I froze and frowned. "...That's… a fair point," I grumbled, not liking the implication that I would have to wait here while Link completed the Shrine. It made sense, though, given that not even Zelda had been able to do anything with the Shrines she'd known of in canon. I sighed and ran a hand through my long hair. "Fine, fine. Go do your thing. Get that old man his treasure."

"I'll be back in just a bit," he said with a smile. "Don't let any of those pig-faced freaks sneak up on ya."

"As if," I snorted, rolling my eyes.

Link's head sank below the floor with the descending elevator.

I groaned and slumped to the floor, resting against the Shrine wall. This was going to be fucking boring, wasn't it? What could I do in my spare time? Well, there was a pond nearby.

Hm. A swim might be in order.

...If I enjoyed the feeling of the cold water against my new, sweaty body so much that I failed to pay attention to my surroundings and accidentally gave Link a full view of myself when he came out of the Shrine, it's NOT my fault.

Needless to say, when the old man fluttered in on his paraglider and we were both blushing redder than a Happosai victim on a Friday night, and I was quickly finishing putting my shirt on, he looked confused as FUCK.

~o~

The damn old man didn't give us the paraglider, of course. Oh, no. Instead, he made us travel back to the Sheikah Tower and scout three MORE Shrines scattered around the Great Plateau… but he also promised to throw in a second paraglider so that I could have one, too. Which was helpful for obvious reasons, but I digress. The whole endeavor was good for a video game, but not so much for real life.

Freakin' side quests, man.

Luckily, the whole Fast Travel mechanic—tapping on blue markers on the Sheikah Slate's map—did actually work for me as well. All I did was touch Link's arm and it transported us both to the top of the Tower in a flash. Unluckily, one of the Shrines we needed was surrounded by Guardians I knew were still active from having played the game, one Shrine was located at the top of a steep cliff, and the last Shrine was at one of the highest points of the Plateau, deep within a snowy region.

Ah, fun, fun, fun.

"So… which Shrine do you want to tackle first?" Link asked, blinking down at me.

I shrugged. "The Shrine on the other side of this tower from the Oman Au Shrine seems like it would be best." I pointed to the blue pin we'd marked on the Slate, which was located near the part of the map labeled Eastern Abbey in (thank God) English. "It's closest to us."

He stared out over the land, standing at the edge of the platform in the tower. "Sure," he said, shrugging. "Works for me."

~o~

"Hey, what's up with that skull, do you think?"

"I, uh, don't think that's such a good idea. Look, there's an archer tower."

"Shoot it."

"Wha…? But, er, I um, am not that good with a bow…"

"I'll teach you how. I dunno why, but I think I'm pretty good, like I am with the sword. Here, hold the bow like this―no, no, like this―shift your fingers up a bit… there we go. Now, notch the arrow like so, holding the string with your fingers like… yep, just like that. Good. Now, aim with your dominant eye, and carefully pull the string back. It's a bit of a longer shot, so aim a bit higher than that. Like so. That's it! Aaaand let go."

TWANG!

"GRAW―!?" The strangled, pained growl cut off as the disgusting little goblin-esque creature died with my arrow buried in its head.

"...I thought you said you weren't a good shot? That was a one-hit kill."

"I, uh… beginner's luck?"

"Hm, maybe… Oh, hey. There's a lamp dangling from the ceiling of the inside of the skull on the other side of that eye socket. ...I wonder what would happen if I shot it down…?"

TWANG!

Several moments later, the lamp fell, and a huge KABOOM filled the air alongside very black smoke, as well as the sound of bokoblins screaming in agony as they died very painful deaths.

"Oh. Um. That, apparently."

I stared flatly at him for several moments. "Okay, you Michael Bay version of Robin Hood," I deadpanned. "Let's move on before we blow up any more of the countryside."

Link stared back at me blankly. "Who's Michael Bay? And who's Robin Hood?"

At least we got a (flaming) spiked boko club and some fire arrows out of the deal once we searched the blackened skull.

~o~

"Oh, hey, look, it's another one of those statues like we just saaaaaaw―is it moving? Is it GLOWING?"

DONG! BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE―

"FUCK! ITS EYE IS GLOWING! RUN, LINK, RUN!"

BEEBEEBEEBEEBEE―

"GET BEHIND THAT WALL!"

"My life was too short, my life was too short, my life was too short for this!"

BEEBEEEBEEBEE kaBOOM!

"We made it. Oh Hylia, we made it. We're alive. Fuck, fuck, fuck, I've never been so happy to be alive. ...Why does it sound like lots of bat wings flapping?"

We looked up and behind us, above the edge of the rock wall we hid behind with our hearts hammering in our chests from our close encounter.

"...Please tell me that's not a swarm of evil, one-eyed bats heading our way."

"Um. Unfortunately… That is indeed a swarm of evil, one-eyed bats heading our way."

"...I think I'm beginning to hate nighttime."

~o~

"Well, I'm glad to see someone's happy!"

Link blinked. "Eh? Why are you so upset? What happened?"

"While you were down there dicking around in the damn shrine, I got attacked by two more Keese and three skeleton bokoblins, and got a boko spear thrust into my boob!" I barked furiously, rubbing my still-sore tit. "That thing was made out of solid wood! And even though it's a lot weaker of a weapon than it looks, it still hurts like hell when its thrust with a lot of force into your boob!"

Link blinked and poked at his chest. He looked back up at me, confused. "My chest isn't that sensitive."

"That's because you're a boy!" I growled darkly, remembering the times when I could get hit in the chest and not feel like I got kicked in the balls. "I don't wanna hear it from you!"

Link stared at me for a few seconds longer, then grinned innocently, brought out the Sheikah Slate, and pressed his finger on the screen. Suddenly, in his free hand he was holding a round bomb. "I got weird magic bomb things!"

"Good for you," I groused tenderly.

He canceled out the bomb, which simply vanished from his hand, and put the Sheikah Slate back on his hip. The adorable blond Hylian then reached into his Small Pouch of Holding and, with an even wider grin, pulled a huge two-handed sword that looked very heavy out. I had to jump to the side with a yelp to avoid it slicing my nose off. "I also got a claymore!" he exclaimed, as giddy as a kid in a theme park.

My eyes crossed as I stared wide-eyed at the huge blade I'd almost lost my sniffer to. "Watch what you do with that thing!" I growled, bitch-smacking him across the face.

"Ow! What was that for!?"

"For being a reckless idiot who almost lopped my nose off!"

Link winced. "Oh. Sorry, Eve."

I immediately felt bad. Why did Link have to look so much like a kicked puppy? You just couldn't stay mad at him for long. "It's ok. Just watch where you swing your very heavy, very sharp weapons next time."

"Yes, ma'am."

It felt weird being called ma'am unsarcastically.

"Yeah, well… let's just… move on to the next shrine. The one on that cliff, I think, would be easiest to get to. It'll involve a lot of climbing, though."

Link shrugged. "Fine by me!"

~o~

"Oh, hey, look! A beehive with honey in it!"

"Eh? Oh, hey, so it is. Wait. Why do you have your bow ou―NO, YOU IDIOT! STOP! DO YOU NOT SEE THE―"

TWANG!

"...Bee swarm buzzing around it," I finished weakly, facepalming. I then fixed a sheepish Link with a firm glare. "Great. You shot the beehive off the tree branch. And now we've got a bunch of very angry bees buzzing after us."

"...At least we can break up their swarm with fire arrows?" Link offered.

I groaned to the heavens.