Callie: After what seemed like many minutes a car pulled up I was surprised to see it was a 1967 ford mustang "Hey Stef it's been a while, hop on in" A guy said I presume Haze he looks about the same age as mom I notice they actually look a little alike. "Callie this is my 3rd cousin Haze Nolina, one of my moms cousin's sons" She says as she motions for me to get into the car "Hi, I'm Stef's daughter" I say shaking his hand. Getting in the front passenger side as he gets in the back seat Stef puts her knapsack in-between the seats with mine and gives her cousin a hug. "Even though we just emailed last week I feel like we haven't talked in a while one of these days we should really catch up" She says putting the car in drive and her foot on the gas peddle driving off into the night.
"Yes we should defiantly catch up, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the wedding but I couldn't get off work doing crisis counseling for the police is a pretty time consuming job" He says. "Well I'm glad you're doing better and holding down your job you we're really struggling with those flashbacks for a while. Hope your at least being more careful if your still using I mean you haven't called me asking me to try and bail you out of possession charges since then but your still my family I care about you" She says theirs an awkward silence. I honestly wouldn't be apposed to getting high myself right now not that I've ever really done that before "Is it just me or do you feel like getting high right now too mom?" I say possibly being overly honest. "I feel like I need something to take the edge off but I'm a cop if I got caught using illegal drugs I could loose my job" She says I know shes right.
Something pops into my head though that might be a potential legal alternative for us to try "There's DXM I've never tried it but It's legal and supposedly can be pretty relaxing" I say though I think it's mostly teens who use it. "Cough medicine? I don't know about that Callie maybe we should just try getting a caffeine buzz instead" She says seeming concerned but intrigued "Um Stef you and Lena got into an argument over your caffeine intake" I say. Okay now I'm starting to wonder if we took things to far running away we didn't even discuss where we're going "I'm the adult Callie Remember?" she says almost as if shes questioning it. "You sure about that Stefanie?" I say almost laughing I've never called her by her full first name before "Please I don't want to be distanced from you too" She says I see stray tears run down her face.
"I'm sorry" I say wiping the tears off her face "I'm sorry too" she whispers "Mom it's okay, having emotions is part of being human" I say trying to help her feel better "Being away from Lena right now is almost making me feel like someone ripped off part of me" She says. "You had an argument that happens to every couple at some-point, It doesn't mean give up on marriage, get a divorce and never see her again just right now you removed yourself temporarily from the situation" I say. "Your right I just need some time to relax and reflect, look at the situation from an outside one, I hope something good comes from us running away at-least" she says. "Sounds like you and your wife had a fight over something that in retrospect wasn't worth the bruised feelings it caused" Haze says "Maybe you have a point Haze" I say.
"Lena brought Callie into the argument for no valid reason other than she was ticked at me she owes in apology to Callie too, I need to not think to deep right now about running away" She says. "If you love Lena with all of your heart and soul if really want to be married to her eventually probably after a few days you'll go back to her even if it's simply because you miss her too much not too" He says rubbing her shoulders for a minute trying to detense her. "Thank you Haze that was deep very intense and thank you for letting me borrow the car, You live in the same place right?" She asks. "Yeah you can drop me on this road though its fine I can walk the rest of the way, and by the way I've done DXM before and it can be a good high depending on the dosage" He says "What's it like?" I ask curious.
"Well that depends on the dose if you do it I don't suggest taking more than a bottle in a half about 450/500mg because if you hit what dxm users refer to as the 4th plateau or the hole which is a very intense 4th you will pretty much black out and most likely have a bad time. Stuck in hallucinations your mind has conjured up it's possible to even have a mental breakdown or panic attacks as a side effect of hitting that plateau if you have flashbacks or bad memories. I personally like the 3rd plateu the best it's sort of like being high and stoned while tripping maybe even being a little drunk too and fyi that syrup doesn't taste pleasant, the pills are easy to down, when pills and syrup are combined though they can potentate each-other a bit. Like I said though be careful with the dose don't take more than about 500mg tops and since you've never done it before try listening to some happy and trippy music. This is important because negative music can effect the trip negatively, lie down in a dimly lit room but light enough you can make out whats around you and close your eyes while listening to the music as you may get closed eye visuals have fun, relax and be careful." He says
"Thanks for the info if I decide to do it I'll keep your advice in mind, you seem to know a lot, very smart and intelligent just like my mom" I say. "Thank you for the complement, I work doing crisis interventions at police stations mostly with suspects but sometimes with the police too, sort of like being a psychiatrist or a shrink accept I don't have credentials that high up" he says. " Luckily you've never had to give me an intervention Haze! we both have hard jobs" She says "Yeah got that right" Haze says, He talks to me a little about how he also has ptsd for a few minutes it sounds like hes had some difficult spots at times. Mom drops him off a little down the road she gets out of the car and hugs him "Thanks again and take care of yourself I'll have the car back to you within 6 days" she says "Take care of yourself too" He says.
Reaching over the car he shakes my hand "It was nice to meet you Callie and try to keep your head up ptsd doesn't have to control the rest of your life just because you had a difficult past doesn't mean you can't have a much better future, your a smart beautiful kind person with a lot of potential" he says to me. "Thank you, I'll see you soon" I say laughing slightly, Mom gets back in the car and drives off Haze seems like a nice I'll probably see him when mom drops off the car well it's nice in a way to know someone else who has ptsd. Mom hasn't said anything about where we're going though does she even know? "Where are we even going?" I ask casually. "I haven't thought that far ahead thanks for reminding me, Is there someplace in California you've always wanted to go but haven't been to?" She asks me.
"I've always wanted to go the Santa Monica Pier since I was a little kid but I never got to go there" I say "Okay Santa Monica it is then!" She says turning on the radio the song "Proud Mary" By CCR comes on "I love this song!" I say "No kidding me too!" she says. Finding myself singing along to the song with mom I laugh slightly then I belt out the chorus "I didn't know you could sing so well wow" she says glancing at me for half a second trying to keep her eyes on the road. "One of my hidden talents, I write some amazing poetry too" I say "I'd love to hear some of your poetry sometime" She says "At some-point sure its not about unicorns and fuzzy toys though" I say jokingly "You are one special person Callie" She says laughing slightly. "So are you" I say returning the complement, she really does mean a lot to me I mean to me shes my mom now even though Jude and I haven't been officially adopted yet.
We drive for whats probably hour, about halfway through the ride it starts pouring rain at the same time "Sultans of swing" By Dire Straits comes on the radio mom and I comment on what a fitting song it is for a rainy day. The fact that I'm referring to her mainly as my mom and not Stef shows that I'm letting her in more allowing her to get closer to me, shes the only person besides Jude I've trusted enough to let get this close to me in a long time. As much as I love Lena and the rest of the family for some reason I seem to have a stronger bond with mom the fact that shes a cop doesn't bother me anymore. I'm sort of surprised of how protective I've felt over her at times though she has really become a mom to me, goes to show DNA doesn't always make a mother love does.
Looking down at the map in my lap "We're only a few towns away just follow the signs" I say "Do you want to stop and pick up something for breakfast before check into a room? Just because we ran away doesn't mean I'm going to let you sleep all day!" She says jokingly smiling a little. "We should pick up some protein bars or something like that, they don't need to be refrigerated so it's a simple option and some ginger-ale" I say. "Sounds like a plan we just need to find someplace thats open" She says, I'm a bit curious to try the dxm and see what its like but I'm not so sure mom is going to be okay with that "Do you still want to get high?" I ask unsure. She gets an uptight look on her face "Yes, I still feel like I need a release" She says back "We could try the dxm , it might be worth giving a shot I mean haze said hes done it and found it pleasant" I say still feeling unsure of how shes going to react.
"Okay we can try it you know what we both need to try and loosen up, Have a fun break we deserve it" She says "I wasn't so sure you could bring yourself to do it, way to go mom!" I say jokingly well sort of joking. " I figure what the heck already took things this far running away with you" She says laughing slightly "We're not going to hit rock bottom or beyond it down the rabbit hole I think things will start to get better soon I hope they do" I say with optimism. "I hope things get better soon too" She says I lean my head against her shoulder tired an weary "We should find a 24 hour store well if we can and then we should find a motel room in Santa Monica because its 1am and I can tell your exhausted too" I say. " Your right I really am tired If we don't come across an open store soon I'm going to just find a motel" She says "This is one of those times when having a cellphone can come in handy" I say seeing the irony.
"We left our phones behind for reason though, we'll just have do without a cellphone for a few days" She says "I have my mp4 but its just a walkman nothing fancy with wifi" I say oh well I guess we'll have to do this the old fashioned way. " it's okay sweetie relax" The way she called me that no one had ever called me sweetie before tears escaped down my face "Your so kind to me" I whisper trying to conceal my emotions. "And your kind to me too" She responds putting one arm around my shoulders I sat there in stillness feeling almost as if my ptsd is arguing with my brain to put my wall back up right now as if I'm trusting her too much. I try to keep on the look out for an open store it's still raining pretty hard the sides of the road are flooding heavy drops of water crashing against the windshield the wipers moving back and forth sliding them to the side almost ticking like a manual clock.
After a few minutes I see a sign lit up that says CVS and 24 hour on the bottom of it "I see something up ahead" mom and I say at the same time we both let a laugh "Do you want to come in or stay in the car?" She asks pulling into the CVS. "I'll come in that way I can choose out something for breakfast" I say though part of me wanted to stay in the car I knew that wasn't such a good idea, I felt the need to be near her. "Okay, How many containers of you know what should we get?" She asks me like haze had said no more than about 500mg. "3 containers should work whatever they have that doesn't have any other active ingredients preferably pills though" I say as we get out of the car almost running to the door. "Stay near me Callie" She says looking at me for a second I put my hand in hers as we walk inside I know shes just trying to be on the safe side.
I walk with her down the snack isle first picking up a container of diet ginger-ale for my stomach encase I need it and simply because we're going to need something to drink, Then we walk to the nutrition isle Picking out a box of vanilla caramel protein bars and handing them to her. "Those look good" She says "Yeah they do" I say trying not to show much emotion lastly we walk to the cough/cold section in one of the isles I scan looking for something usable seeing 3 containers of generic dxm only pills on the shelf that was all they had that was plain they didn't have any plain dxm syrup. Mom picks up the containers and we walk to the cash register I guess the man at the check out figured we were sick or just didn't care because he rang everything up without even looking at us, thats a good thing. I carry out both bags in one hand "I would have carried it, thank you though I appreciate it" She says as we get into the car.
"Your my mom I was trying to be polite I know your tired and worn out" I respond almost defensively as she pulls out turning back onto the road seeing the dark circles that have formed under her eyes "I didn't say their was anything wrong with that sweetie" she says. I start to tear up again, she makes it hard for me to push her away when shes so nice to me I don't want to push her away its the ptsd thats causing it. A few minutes later I see a sign that says we're officially in Santa Monica "It says the pier is towards the left on _ road lets see if we can get a room at a motel that we can walk to it fairly easy from" I say. "Good idea" She says after a a few blocks she turns left onto the road I keep my eyes out for a motel anyone with a vacancy at this point.
I see a motel with a vacancy sign in the distance "I see one up ahead a few blocks on the left" I say seeing the pier in the distance, neon lights from amusement park rides I had always wanted to go to the amusement park. It was the first amusement park to have a solar powered ferris wheel one of the things about it that I liked, Mom turns into the parking lot she puts the car into park and takes the keys out of the ignition the radio shuts off. She gets out of the car heading towards the office almost as if shes upset with me for some reason but shes probably just tired I make sure the doors are locked and take out all the bags in the car. Carrying them I scurry under the tiny amount of roof to the side of the office I take the 20$ bill mom gave me earlier out of my front pocket putting it in my knapsack trying not to cry again right now but my body starts to tremble with fear what if she abandons me?.
Trying to shake off that thought tears roll of my face I begin to feel my body slipping slightly I rest my back against the wall, I can feel the scared look thats on my face right now the utter fear in my eyes locking eyes with mom for a second as she walks out the office door. I shake blocking my body in a protective stance as she runs towards me "Come here love" She says as she hugs me I seem to immediately stop blocking my body wrapping my arms tight around her. No one had ever called me love before ether "I love you mom" I say squeezing her I know shes not going to abandon me "I love you too Callie" she says kissing me on the forehead "I'm sorry" I whisper she looks deep into my eyes I see a motherly look of love and concern on her face. "You didn't do anything wrong, I promise your safe with me I'll never do anything to intentionally hurt you" she says I can by the look of pure love in her eyes shes telling me the truth.
"I don't know what I'd do without you mom" I say "I don't know what I'd do without you ether Callie" She says slurring her speech slightly her eyes shut "Okay I really need to get you to the room before you pass out" I say quickly her eyes open halfway. I let go of her slightly to move my arm up under her shoulders trying to support her up glancing at the key it says 9 on it I walk her over to the room its the 3rd to last on the right her eyes are shut again. I take the key from her hand unlocking the door I open it walking through the door re-locking the room from the outside quickly shutting the door and turning on a light. Lying her down on the bed shes passed out cold, I put the bags down in-front of the bed then I tuck my mom into bed placing a blanket over her and give her a kiss on the back of her hand heading off to the bathroom.
What I had wanted to do was give her a kiss on the cheek or forehead but I was sort of afraid to and didn't want to wake her up I shut the bathroom door it was a smallish bathroom but it had the basics a shower/bathtub, towels, soap, a toilet and a sink. There was a travel size bottle of 2 in 1 baby shampoo/conditioner in the bathtub, I use the toilet and wash my hands putting a little water on my face drying my hands. I leave on the bathroom light with the door it half open and turn out the other light I see a digital clock on the nightstand type thingie on the left side of the bed I set it for 8am seeing as its 1:45 now and we both need the sleep. It will be nice to sleep in even though 6 hours of sleep isn't that much, I climb in the right side of the bed opposite mom I find myself curling up next to her.
Putting my arm around her I rest my head on her shoulder I realize I'm basically cuddling with my passed out mom even though she may not biologically be my parent shes the best mom I could ask or wish for in a lot of ways but no ones perfect. The fact that I'm lying down on a bed seems to settle in because I yawn suddenly feeling more sleepy tiredness creeping up on me I'll be really surprised if I can actually sleep through an hour though. "Goodnight mommy I love you" I whisper even though shes to incapacitated to hear me, well at least one of us is getting some rest I suppose. My thoughts start to fade part of me doesn't want to go to sleep but I need to sleep to keep myself healthy and alive I feel my arm around my mom, I don't need a teddy bear I have my mom to hold onto wait I don't remember ever having a teddy bear(Callie falls Asleep).